Donald Trump shat in my handbag claims Titchfield woman

Velda Geldof ended her thirty years of silence over the incident as revelations of Trumps’s sexual proclivities shook the world recently.

Incident occurred at a Las Vegas casino in 1985

Presidential candidate treated holidaymaker like ‘a lump of meat.’

Some woman who bears a vague resemblance to Velda Geldof pictured walking in the rain a fortnight or so ago.

Some woman who bears a vague resemblance to Velda Geldof pictured walking in the rain a fortnight or so ago.

Neighbours claim that Mrs Geldof is ‘a deluded fantasist.’

“I was on holiday at one of the big casinos in Vegas with my husband, Reg in 1985,” she claimed. “Reg was having a pint in the cocktail bar and I was playing the slots when Trump approached me. He said ‘Hi’ and then grabbed me by the pussy and whisked me off to his room. It all happened so fast that I felt dizzy.

“When we got to his room he was talking the talk and pawing me all over. Then he hoiked my skirt up, lobbed me on the bed and did the deed.

“It was all over in less than a minute, and it was nothing to write home about. He’s only got a button mushroom and a couple of sprouts down below so I was hardly blown away by the experience.

“It must have been when I popped to the bathroom that he shat in my handbag, because when I came back into the room he was sitting on the edge of the bed sniggering like a naughty child.

“I made my excuses and left, but in the elevator there was this sudden horrible stench all around me. Further investigation revealed that the Donald had indeed logged in to my handbag, so to speak, leaving me a whiffy yule type log as a souvenir. The dirty honking bastard.”

Donald "can you smell shit in here?' Trump. aka - the dirty honking bastard.

Donald “can you smell shit in here?’ Trump. aka – the dirty honking bastard.

Mrs Geldof insists that she isn’t a publicity seeker and that she has only released the details of her 1985 encounter with Trump in order to show the world the true nature of the strangely coiffured orange-skinned wannabe politician.

She also alluded to a kinky threesome she had with Nigel Farage and Dom, the posh boozer off Gogglebox but wouldn’t go into detail unless Cafe Spike stumped up more cash.

“If you’re a reporter and you’re listening to Velda, you’re wasting your time,” a nosy neighbour told our correspondent at the scene. “She’s a complete fantasist, always going on about the famous blokes she’s had. She’ll tell you anything. Everybody round here knows she’s off her nut.”

More as we get it.



Sexy Weather Girls Ruined My Life – Claims Inadequate Idiot

"Every day brings news like this - the weather will remain the same or change from what it is - big boy..."

“Every day brings news like this – the weather will remain the same or change from what it is – big boy…”

Although the weather in Britain is usually pretty crap, the decision by television companies to “sex up” the weather forecast hasn’t been without its casualties. One of which was Titchfield man Simon Harvey.

“I used to have a prestigious job as an IT consultant, programmer and web designer,” said Mr Harvey. “But then I made the life changing error of watching Ulrikka Jonsson presenting the weather on the telly and I was instantly hooked. It was worse than crack cocaine. I was supposed to go to work but I just couldn’t help myself – I developed a morbid fascination with weather girls.

“It got to a point where I was scouring the internet for weather reports because in my mind nothing else really mattered. I got fired, lost five stone in weight, could hardly eat or drink and started developing antisocial tendencies – like lurking behind the bins at Tesco and hurling abuse at passers by. I even contemplated buying a gun – just to shoot people who didn’t agree with me about weather girls. I’m still hopelessly addicted. The weather might be crap but for the weather girls the moon’s your lobster. Or something.”

Cafe Spike’s scientific consultant, Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University told us:

“Simon Harvey’s off his nut. He definitely needs help, but don’t look at me. I’m having nothing to do with the idiot.”

More as we get it.