Migrant Hordes To Swarm UK Within Days As Island Loophole Exposed

Shoot them! - Daily Express reader comment

Shoot them! – Daily Express reader comment

France – People traffickers are gearing up for a cash bonanza after discovering legal loopholes caused by historical by-laws which will effectively allow them to transport migrants to Jersey and the Isle of Wight unhindered, and from there on to mainland Britain.

The by-laws – originally introduced in 1939 at the outbreak of World War II – state that Wight and Jersey guarantee safe passage to any person who lands on their shores as a result of flight from persecution.

Once in Wight or Jersey, all migrants will have to do is register at the local police station, where they will be issued with travel warrants – endorsed by the UK government, and funded by the European Union – after which they will be granted immediate entry to the mainland by ferry or by air, unrestricted by HM Border Force regulations on arrival.

The loophole was discovered by left wing infiltrators who were working as researchers at the BBC according to sources, before being relayed to the traffickers, who are reputed to be members of a Turkish crime family based in North London.

Some people traffickers have already set up shop in Creances on the Normandy coast and have already set up a ticket office and hired a number of high turnover vessels in order to facilitate the short voyage to Jersey.

Residents of the Jungle camp at Calais are said to be moving en masse to Cherbourg, where members of the same Turkish gang have leased a decommissioned cross channel ferry, funded by the EU to transport the migrants to Ventnor, on the Isle of Wight.

Officials on both islands are bracing themselves for a massive invasion as the government files emergency legislation in an extraordinary session in a scramble to close the legal loophole.

Jersey based airlines and Isle of Wight ferry operators are said to be working hard to secure additional capacity in order to accommodate the unprecedented influx by transferring them as rapidly as possible to the mainland.

More as we get it.

Billy Fisher for Cafe Spike

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Man who got the internet now scared of everything

Aaaaaarrrggghh!

Aaaaaarrrggghh!

A 59 year old Falklands veteran who never used to be afraid of anything has revealed that he is now scared to set foot outside his front door since he connected to the internet.

Ex-Welsh Guardsman Crispin Evans said that he’s now scared of migrants, Muslims, giant rats, false widow spiders, drunken hooligans, rapists, muggers, chuggers, the government, flying saucers, the New World Order, fast food, carbohydrates, bacon, Alzheimers, base jumpers, free climbers, zit squeezers, celebrities, the NHS, Jeremy Corbyn, Ant and Dec, Creationists, Simon Cowell, the Kardashians, sex maniacs, vicious dogs and low flying drones.

“I never used to be scared of anything,” Mr Evans said. “I was always pretty fearless but since I got the internet I’m petrified of just about everything. Still, I suppose it pays to keep abreast of developments. I never realised I was in mortal danger every day of my life, so from now on I’ll be stopping indoors and getting my shopping delivered. If I really have to go out I’ll take taxis everywhere, door to door. You can’t be too careful these days.”

We tried to contact comedians Lee Mack and Tim Vine out of Not Going Out for comment but they were both out, but not out-out like that cheeky Cockney comedian Micky Flanagan who hasn’t been seen for a fortnight and whose wife told us to tell him to phone home if we managed to contact him because his tea’s going cold.

Paddy Berzinski

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