If Donald Trump Puts His Grubby Little Mitts On Me I’ll Rip His Nut Sack Off – Says Feisty Woman

What's that you say fat boy? - A woman off the telly - not the feisty one.

What’s that you say fat boy? – A woman off the telly – not the feisty one.

If Donald Trump lays his grubby mitts on me I’ll rip his nut sack off – says feisty woman

The feisty woman issued the intimidating statement in the bar of a Salford hotel late last night. Responding to a question posed by a fellow patron regarding Donald Trump’s wandering hands, the woman – who according to sources takes no shit from anybody – emphasised that should Trump ever lay his grubby mitts on her then she’d rip his nut sack off.

“She didn’t specify exactly how she’d rip Trump’s ball bag off,” said a witness. “So it’s open to interpretation whether she’d rip it off with her teeth, her bare hands, or use some kind of tool like mole grips or something…”

“I’ve known her for years,” a source told us. “And believe me she’s not the kind of woman you’d want to mess with. She used to be married to a local gangster until he upset her over something or other and he was so scared of her that he fled the country. There’s a rumour that she had him rubbed out and then buried in the foundations of the new Coronation Street set, although it is just a rumour. She can be pretty scary though and that’s a fact.”

A spokesman for Donald Trump advised us that there’s little chance of Trump ever encountering the feisty woman as he doesn’t visit Salford much, adding that Trump wasn’t overly concerned by the prospect of having his ball bag ripped off by anybody. Apart from possibly Hillary Clinton, but in more of a figurative than literary way.

More Trump related tomfoolery as it comes in.



A wife is for life – not just for Christmas

How Wives Used To Be Back In The Good Old Days

How Wives Used To Be Back In The Good Old Days

British League Of Wives (BLOW) is set to launch a concerted television advertising campaign aimed at men, with the objective of raising awareness among men – who take a wife solely in order to have somebody handy over the Christmas holiday period to make meals and generally wait on them hand and foot – that such behaviour is just not on.

“It’s just not on,” said Sandra Bloefeld of BLOW. “This is the 21st century after all. The days when women would spend all day in the kitchen slaving over a hot stove and traipsing back and forth from the fridge with endless cold beers for their fat lazy arsed husbands are long gone.”

Disturbingly for women everywhere, a report compiled by the Department of Intuition reveals that the percentage of men who take a wife for Christmas before kicking them out immediately after the holiday is over, averages out at a staggering 93%

Abandoned wives charities such as Battersea Wives Home complain that the January abandonments place tremendous strain on resources, leaving many unable to cope with the deluge.

“We need to change attitudes dramatically,” Sandra Bloefeld told us. “Men need to realise that the cute, sexy, subservient wife they married in December will grow into a strong, independent woman; one who will soon tire of running around after a lazy spouse, and develop a range of complex character traits, such as demanding that the husband leave the toilet seat down, that he occasionally ought to get up off his arse and get cracking with those long overdue DIY projects and realise that occasionally at bed time she really will have a headache.”

“Well I’m not going to change my attitude for any bloody woman,” said Joe Calderbank, who has had three wives for Christmas and kicked them all out by the second of January. “They’re all cute and cuddly for a bit, and then comes the nagging, the moaning, the burnt dinners and the fights over the TV remote. Well they can piss off. I’ll get another one this Christmas – probably a nice Thai model – but if she starts getting bloody stroppy she’ll be out on her ear by January and no mistake.”

We asked Joe if he was aware of the strain imposed on abandoned womens’ charities by negligent husbands such as him and whether he had any regrets about abandoning wives into the January cold, he responded:

“Those charities get shedloads of money off the public and they should be grateful that blokes like me keep them in a job. In answer to the second part of your question: Do I balls regret it. When you buy your Christmas turkey you chuck it out once it’s eaten, once it’s outlived its usefulness. There’s no point hanging on to it. It’s the same with wives. If they aren’t up to the task they need to be discarded. No point in having them stink the place out for years to come.”

Sandra Bloefeld had the last word on the matter, as she sharpened a carving knife and stormed out of our office saying:

“I’m going to slice that sexist pig’s knackers right off.”

More as we get it.