Café Spike Banned From The Daily Express

We ain't afraid of no spooks

We ain’t afraid of no spooks

Café Spike are proud to announce that our Editor in Chief, Martin Shuttlecock has been banned from commenting on the Daily Express website. By his own admission Shuttlecock only expressed an interest in the site because although its users claim to represent the silent majority in the UK – they aren’t really representative at all.

“They’re just a bunch of right wing bigots,” Shuttlecock explained. “They don’t represent me or anyone I know, so I set out to challenge their cosy little mutual back-slapping club. I spoke out against them and they didn’t like it. They really do not like it up ’em. It didn’t take long for threats against my person to surface but I just shrugged them off and carried on regardless.

“That’s when the paranoia kicked in – as more and more people joined in, taking the piss out of Nigel Farage, UKIP, racism and right wing politics the paranoid lunatics all thought it was just me writing under various different identities. Which is ironic considering they are the biggest offenders in the multiple ID controversy.

“So it seems they lodged a complaint and my account was suspended. I emailed the DE asking why and got this email in response from Joe Lewis, the DE’s legal advisor:

“I write in response to your email of 02 February 2016. Please rest assured your account would not have been blocked because you object to UKIP or its leader.

We are the publishers of news which facilitates public discourse and debate. Naturally within that forum their will be individuals who abuse their freedoms and advocate views which are distasteful and unpleasant, though in the arena of public discourse it is not our role to curtail that individuals free speech upon a particular subject. Where we do receive a complaint regarding a user who has descended into abuse, vitriol or use of racial epithets then it is standard practice to banned such people from the forum.

On a side note, the account under username ‘nuttynigel’ – during a periodic sweep of the system a number of accounts were linked to that account which is why it has been blocked. We discourage multiple accounts from a single user. If you can confirm in writing that you do not use multiple accounts then I shall be happy to reactive the account ‘nuttynigel’”

“Now let’s just get this straight,” Shuttlecock continued. “If they were really concerned about “abuse, vitriol and racial epithets” then it certainly isn’t me who should be under scrutiny. It’s all the right wing nutters who should be banned. Not me. Although I did find the spelling and grammar in Mr Lewis’s email highly amusing in a post ironic way. Only in the Daily Express.

“Anyway, I sent them the following email in response:

“Dear Mr Lewis
I can confirm that I post on the DE comments section as nuttynigel and my partner posts as Charlotte Webster from this IP address.  I’d also suggest you have a look at some of the posts by extreme right wing users, who regularly use hate speech in a form verging on illegality, invariably using multiple ID’s
One thing becomes instantly clear, and that is that the DE is quite happy to publish anti-Islamic hate speech but cannot and will not tolerate criticism.
As for my account, feel free to do with it whatever you please. I care not.
Good luck with your racist hate speech echo chamber and pass my regards on to your boss, Mr Desmond. (Although further donations to UKIP are an absolute waste of resources IMHO.)
Or in layman’s terms, stick your website up your arse.

Banned by the Daily Express?

We’ll look on that as an achievement and carry the mantle with pride.

Martin Shuttlecock


Daily Express Makes Complete Arse Of Itself AGAIN

If the Express did vampirism, this would be a crucifix

If the Express did vampirism, this would be a crucifix

The Daily Express confirmed its position as a laughing stock of the British press today by publishing a headline on its website confidently stating: “100,000 say NO to the EU: Poll PROVES Britain wants out of eurozone”


Now, we know that the Express supports UKIP and tolerates hate speech on a daily basis through its comments section, but could a right wing rag really be so idiotic as to actually believe its own warped version of reality and actually have the effrontery to publish such a nonsensical claim as a headlining story?

Sadly, yes.

Everybody knows that the Express supports UKIP and having demonised single parents and condemned benefit claimants to an eternity of burning brimstone they moved on to wholeheartedly support the demonisation of refugees fleeing a war zone amid a rabid hate campaign against anything remotely Islamic, but do they really expect anyone with half a functioning brain to believe that 92% of Britons want out of the EU?

Let’s just ponder that for a moment.

The Express website is pretty much a closed shop as far as comments go. Unless you’re a UKIP supporting conspiracy theorist lunatic, in which case it’s okay. But be warned – unless you’re a xenophobic, racist, psychotic hate monger you have to be brave to attempt to pose an alternative point of view. If you aren’t a Farage devotee, and have the audacity to speak out in public against these lunatics then you can expect a deluge of abuse, threats of violence, and intimidation from the Express’s bottom feeding denizens.

Did they really say that? Can anybody be THAT stupid?

Did they really say that? Can anybody be THAT stupid?

Dare to say anything rational on the Express comments section and you’ll be branded as a troll by the racist Pegida, Britain First supporting troglodytes who lurk in its depths.

Most of whom by their own admission hold several email accounts and post there under a variety of aliases – and thus have multiple votes in the so-called “poll.”

So 92% PROVE that Britain wants out of the EU?


92% of certifiable lunatic racist psychotics using multiple votes maybe. Even UKIP stated that the poll results were an embarrassment.

Which PROVES conclusively that the Daily Express and its readers are full of shit and talk absolute bollocks.

Martin Shuttlecock for Cafe Spike


People Who Write ‘FACT!’ At The End Of Online Posts Are Morons – FACT!



If you’re one of those smart-arsed internet commentators who add the word ‘FACT!’ after posting some smugly conceited comment on an internet forum, you might not really want to read this article. Because the reality is that punching ‘FACT!’ out on your keyboard whilst foaming at the mouth doesn’t exactly bestow upon you an air of intellectual superiority.

It just makes you come across as a proper knob-head.

‘FACT!’ is the latest incarnation of POSTING A COMMENT IN UPPER CASE TYPE – which in itself automatically informs your reader that you have nothing worthwhile to say, but that you’re going to post in big shouty letters anyway. Because it takes prominence on screen.

It doesn’t.

Nobody with half a brain ever reads anything posted in Caps Lock because by its very nature it reveals itself to be moronic without having to take the trouble to read the content. Readers just know it’s going to be crap. End of.

That’s another one. End of. End of rarely ever exactly means that, because it isn’t the end of anything. It’s just an open invitation to continue an online argument. It’s designed to wind the ‘sheeple’ up.

Sheeple? That’s another irritating term, which implies that the commentator in question has all the answers, whereas the sheeple, a bit like sheep, tend to believe that things such as chemtrails, the illuminati, the New World Order, Reptilian alien space monsters, the Loch Ness monster and suchlike don’t exactly exist. They’re just the product of some fevered dream fired up in some lonely sad case’s bedroom.

These days, with the wonders of online communications all the sad cases can gather in cyberspace, together, and commune with like-minded delusional halfwits.

If you’re reading this and silently nodding to yourself in agreement, thinking that all the above mentioned ‘types’ are card carrying members of the tin foil hat brigade – then don’t. Because people who comment with words to the effect of ‘polish your tin foil hat up’ are just as fucking irritating.

Which brings us to the grammar nazis.

Now, we all appreciate that even the best of us make typos from time to time, especially if you’re messaging on a phone or an iPad, because it can be a bit fiddly, moreso if it’s done in haste. Like on a bus, train, or in a toilet cubicle at work. Most people understand that, and make allowances.

We’d argue though, that in some cases there are serial offenders – and strangely enough, they almost invariably appear to be politically minded right wing extremists. Who are ‘TAKING ARE COUNTRY BACK’ or some such bollocks.

We’d like to suggest that anyone who wants to take ‘are’ country back, or stop these marauding alien hordes from spreading ‘they’re’ filthy religion after storming ‘are boarders’ might use as a starting point getting to grips with their own fucking native language.

And, in closing, as is our wont, we leave you with: ‘VOTE UKIP!’

As seen ad nauseum all over comments pages on the likes of mail online and the express. Whether you actually choose to VOTE UKIP or not is none of our business. Suffice to say that Nigel Farage makes David Cameron and the late Rusty Lady look like left wing students embroiled in a poll tax riot – but hey…it’s your choice.

Want to end animal cruelty? VOTE UKIP! Want increased pensions and a fairer deal for the vulnerable? VOTE UKIP! Want to become an isolated nation cut off from our European neighbours? VOTE UKIP! Want to send every foreign born UK resident packing? VOTE UKIP!

Quite frankly we don’t give a toss what you do.

But we would be eternally grateful if some of you would confine your stupid thoughts, ideas and misguided messages to the inside of your own skulls and not share them with a mainly disinterested world.

You know who you are.

End of.

Reporter: Paddy Berzinski