How Do We Solve A Problem Like Suella?

Taking the piss out of the electorate since 2010

Taking the piss out of the electorate since 2010

With an election looming ever closer on the horizon, and with many residents of this fair borough feeling isolated and left out of the decision making process which we loosely describe as ‘democracy’ we here at Café Spike would like to pose a few points for consideration.

There has been a wellspring of well intentioned cynicism directed at our Conservative candidate, Suella Fernandes, in what is essentially a safe Conservative seat. Essentially, the local populace have viewed Suella’s selection as a candidate with deep suspicion, probably based on the assumption that her mission purpose is to get the thumbs up for the Welborne project with full support from the local borough council, and that our prospective member of parliament will take very little interest in local affairs once the deal is done.

The truth is that we have no way of knowing how Suella will interact with her constituents post election. Setting aside personal interests, and the way Suella has apparently closed down any kind of interaction with constituents who have criticised her on social media – given the depth of feeling – maybe it’s time to take a step back in order to assess the situation.

On a personal level, a massive development project has its pros and cons, so here at the Café we have no vested interest either way. Suella has been brought in to achieve an objective. She’s been drafted in to get the Welborne project up and running – but she shouldn’t be castigated for that. She’s just doing a job, and she can’t do that job without the approval of the electorate. It’s up to us. The bottom line is that we either give our approval to Welborne or we don’t.

I’m going to digress here, and I’m going to do a little bit of straight talking.

Today I attended Queen Alexandra Hospital with my wife. She had cancer surgery early in 2012 and a subsequent CT scan showed up an anomaly. We’ve had the best treatment and care that anyone could hope for, and all we can do is be thankful that we have the best doctors, nurses, surgeons and staff anywhere. Today my wife had to have a more intensive scan – a CT/PET scan.

We got the best treatment and the best staff we could wish for. But there was one disturbing aspect – the scan was conducted by a private company, presumably one who sends the bill to the NHS. We can only assume that tax payers’ money used to pay said bill also pays dividends for the private company concerned. We could be wrong, but the alternative makes no sense.

Make no mistake – your vote on Thursday will have a resounding effect on all of our futures – and no, before you start harrumphing this isn’t a fucking party political broadcast.

If you vote for Suella, you’re voting for the most deceitful, incompetent government in a century. (Research the figures, this is not political spin.) If you vote for Suella you’ll get Welborne, and on a higher plane you’ll get increasing privatisation of our treasured NHS. You’ll also get minimal workers’ rights, the most vulnerable in society targeted and basically the same bum deal, lies and spin you’ve been subjected to for the last five years.

Do we have a political objective here at Café Spike? In a word, no.

I’ll come clean here and freely admit that being born and brought up in Lancashire, my politics do lean slightly towards the left. I saw first hand how Margaret Thatcher destroyed communities and introduced the welfare culture so despised by so many Conservatives today. Yet they were the party who founded it all – and somehow Thatcher has achieved a status approaching sainthood amongst the Conservative faithful.

This won’t go down well in this constituency, but vote for Suella and you will get Welborne. There will be no turning back.

I’m going to vote Labour, but I wouldn’t encourage anyone else to do so. Labour are no different to the Conservatives – they’re all career politicians and all completely out of touch with ordinary people. I’d rather be boiled alive in my own urine than vote UKIP, and the Greens are just stark raving bonkers. The Liberal Democrats in this area have quite a good reputation, and their councillors do a good job, so maybe that’s the alternative. It’s a point worth pondering.

In closing, what I would say to the electorate here in Fareham is, don’t vote Conservative if you don’t want Welborne and you want QA to be available to take care of your health needs.

I appreciate that most voters in Fareham are dyed in the wool Conservatives, but Suella and co really aren’t about to do you any favours at all. They’ll deliver all right – more housing, more strain on the already creaking infrastructure, more traffic jams, more chain coffee shops, a diminished NHS, higher taxes and more benefit cuts.

And Welborne – Mr Woodward’s ‘legacy’

It’s in your hands. Suella is just doing a job.

Martin Shuttlecock.


Appeal – Can You Help Us Find Our Missing Nigel?

Why,oh why, did you have to leave and, go away? Have you seen him?

Why,oh why, did you have to leave and, go away? Have you seen him?

We aren’t offering a reward or anything, but we seem to have misplaced our Nigel, and we’d really, really appreciate it if you could help us to get him back.

Nigel went missing just before last weekend. He was last seen in a pub celebrating the birth of the Royal baby, chugging on a B&H with a swift pint. At the time he was last seen he was wearing a stupid grin, a coat with a velvet collar and shiny shoes. The only witness we have at present has informed us that Nigel said he was leaving in order to try to find a ‘policy.’ We aren’t sure exactly what that means, but it does seem to confirm that our Nigel was acting in an uncharacteristic fashion. He’s never mentioned anything about policy before, although he did once scribble something he described as ‘an idea’ on a soggy beer mat in biro.

Our Nigel has been described as bearing more than a passing resemblance to Parker, the Gerry Anderson puppet out of the TV series Thunderbirds. He’s quite a jovial sort of chap, who it’s quite safe to approach providing you don’t mind somebody bending your earholes with anti-EU propaganda for an hour or two. And you aren’t an immigrant or an ethnic minority.

And possibly dangerous if you happen to be a Romanian.

We’re desperate to find our Nigel, as he hasn’t been seen for two or three days, and we’re desperate to bring him home. If you’re English just take him to the nearest pub, buy him a pint, tell him David Cameron is on his way to discuss the possibility of a coalition and contact us ASAP.

If you aren’t English, it’s probably advisable to track him and maintain contact with your local police station via mobile phone until he is successfully apprehended.

If you do spot our Nigel, please let us know via our Café Spike Facebook page. We’re desperately missing him, because we haven’t had a good belly laugh in days, and as his absence continues to torture us, our country is rapidly disappearing down the toilet. Help us get our Nigel, and our country back. You know it makes sense.

Many thanks from the Café Spike team.

Contact us on our Facebook page; it’s on Facebook somewhere.