The Election Result Is Way Beyond Parody

We're All Hiding Mate - You Are Not Alone

We’re All Hiding Mate – You Are Not Alone

Most people who write for Café Spike have at one time or another published satirical news stories, parodies, lampoons, spoofs or whichever way you’d care to describe them. Some have been quoted in actual newspapers, like the Daily Telegraph, Metro (Although we aren’t quite sure that counts) and we’ve been mentioned on TV quite a few times. The most memorable for me was when Sky News announced that Twilight author Stephanie Meyer, and Harry Potter author JK Rawling were all set to: “collaborate on a novel – more after the break.”

During the break somebody must have realised that the story was a piss-take, because they didn’t mention it again. So near, and yet so far… Almost had you there Kay Burley…damn it.

We’ve pretty much held back on the parody news scene since we got started, yet others continue to fill the void, sometimes with great wit and originality, other times maybe a bit less so – broadly meaning that they’re a bit shit. But over the course of the 2015 General Election in the UK, the world of online satire has been bountifully blessed with myriad virtual orchards hanging heavy with rich pickings.

We looked at this and we just thought – how the fuck do you lampoon something that’s already a spoof of a satire of a parody in the first place?

Was this election the politicians’ way of taking the piss out of us?

When you consider that the electorate actually voted for the lynchpins of the worst performing government for a century, that the electorate voted for £12 billion worth of cuts directed at the sick and vulnerable whilst the multi-billion earning corporations get away with paying a big fat zero in taxes and that we had national newspapers publishing tactical voting guides in order to prevent the possibility of some sort of Satanic alliance between Labour and the SNP, then parody becomes impossible.

The entire process has been one massive piss-take directed at a gullible British public, a dirty tricks campaign that plumbed the depths of depravity from the moment it got off the ground. The press went into overdrive, roundly slagging off anybody who posed the slightest threat to the future prosperity of the rich in their ivory towers. They already admitted that over the last five years the rich have got even richer, whilst everybody else – especially the “hard working” – have become progressively poorer.

And the Conservatives actually won a majority! How stupid are we as a nation?

Of course there were a few minorly humorous diversions – such as Nigel and his purple revolution only getting the one seat as opposed to the landslide his delusional followers were so confidently expecting. Nigel failing in his election bid (again) was another. George Galloway and Esther McVey losing their seats left us with a nice warm feeling, as did the resignations of Miliband, Clegg and Farage, but truth is stranger than fiction, as the old adage goes, thus any attempt at parody would have been far less ironic or funny than the reality of it all.

At least the Scots didn’t fall for all the bullshit, but they’ll be the only ones chuckling over their porridge at breakfast time. For the rest of us the outlook is bleak.

Still, we could always move to Scotland, although the Scots would probably rip the piss out of us as well. Why not? We deserve it.

Paddy Berzinski


Nutty Nigel sinking fast as UKIP support plummets

GE 2015 008Our old friend Nutty Nigel Fromage appears to be having a spot of bother lately as support for UKIP appears to be shrinking fast. Of course, you either love or loathe Nutty Nigel and his band of swivel-eyed loons – it really isn’t all that long ago since the kippers predicted a UKIP landslide and Nutty Nigel as the next Prime Minister, but all that appears to be changing.

In all honesty we aren’t all that fond of Nigel and his mates, and we base this on the fact that his sole argument on any topic remotely political appears to be to blame immigration, which quite frankly is just plain daft to all but the terminally muddle-headed. He blames immigrants for the NHS situation when the reality is that the NHS wouldn’t be able to function without immigrant staff, and he even blames them for traffic congestion on the M4.

(It’s possible his M4 remarks were made in jest, but you can never really tell with Nigel.)

Nige was particularly disappointing on last week’s leaders’ debate, goofing around, pulling faces and not really saying anything constructive. Somehow everything seems to be an effect of immigration, no matter how tenuous the link.

Maybe the great British public have finally wised up to the weasel, and he’s about to go ‘pop.’ As weasels do, at least according to the nursery rhyme. The reality is that Nigel is no peoples’ champion. He’s just another public school educated career politician, a former city commodities broker who’s been drawing a salary from the very organisation he purports to detest.

Now it doesn’t seem so cut and dried that he’ll romp to victory in the Thanet South seat in the general election, although it remains to be seen if he loses whether he’ll actually stand down as UKIP leader. In a way we’ll be sad to see him go because the bloke is pure comedy gold, but one positive outcome of his sinking back into obscurity will be that perhaps all the deluded kippers who stalk the comments sections of the online press, particularly the Mail and the Express will finally pipe down and go back to their Sudoku puzzles.

We don’t have a vote in Thanet South, but if we did we’d probably vote for Al Murray’s FUKP because the pub landlord promises that if FUKP win he’ll reduce the price of a pint to a penny.

Which is about as believable as any of Nutty Nigel’s promises.

Martin Shuttlecock.


Iain Duncan Smith Makes Election Pledge To Help The Disadvantaged

We Didn't Have A Pic Of IDS But Here's One Of His Rich Mates

We Didn’t Have A Pic Of IDS But Here’s One Of His Rich Mates

Conservative Inquisition grand master, Iain Duncan Smith today vowed to give every assistance possible to the disadvantaged in our society, after five years of kicking them in the balls and driving them to desperation, and in extreme cases, possibly suicide.

The Minister for Murder told an audience of prominent bankers at a London hotel that with an election looming it would be ‘morally indefensible’ to continue to penalise poor people for being poor. Following gasps of horror from the champagne and truffle consuming audience, Duncan Smith smiled like a shark, before adding:

“Relax, it’s just an election promise,” he said. “It’s the old carrot and stick ploy – the poverty stricken will lap it up if the greedy avaricious benefit scrounging bastards think there’s going to be something in it for them. Of course there won’t be. Promises were made to be broken, and I’m just the man for the job,” he said.

In related news the MOD announced today that it was considering a government proposal to use the long term sick and disabled for target practice during exercises on Salisbury Plain.