Our Farewell Note To David Cameron – Piss Off!

Pig botherer quits. Loser.

Pig botherer quits. Loser.

We doubt that porky porker Cameron will ever read this, but just in case you do stumble across this article, our message to you is – Piss off!

Goodbye and bollocking good riddance to the worst Prime Minister this country has ever had. We hope you’re fucking proud of your legacy Dave – austerity, mounting debt, ripping the arse out of the NHS, kicking the crap out of the sick and vulnerable, food banks, Brexit, tax breaks for your rich pals, zero action on corporate tax evasion, cuts to public services that even horrified your mother, and of course not forgetting the allegation that you plonked your prick in a porker’s mouth.

We just have one question to ask you, as you sit counting your offshore based millions after leaving our nation neck deep in shit as a result of your egomaniacal folly – can you take drooling Gideon Osborne and that murdering bastard Iain Duncan Smith with you?

We don’t usually do rants, but if we did they’d probably be a bit like this one.

Piss off ya prick!!!

Love you not,

Cafe Spike dot com.


Where’s Gideon? Has Anybody Seen Him?

Gideon (pictured on the right) is easily recognised by his waxy complexion. And he might possibly have some white stuff on his nostrils.

Gideon (pictured on the right) is easily recognised by his waxy complexion. And he might possibly have some white stuff on his nostrils.

It’s the new game that’s taking the nation by storm since the referendum result was announced – the hunt for George Osborne, erstwhile Chancellor of the Exchequer is well and truly on.

Gideon – as we like to call him – hasn’t appeared in public since the referendum result was announced, which has led to all manner of speculation, given that his boss – Bacon Bonce Cameron at least had the good grace to address the nation in order to inform us that he’s chucked in the towel.

So where is Gideon?

Some say he’s beavering away at the treasury trying desperately to make some sense out of the economic carnage caused by the Brexit vote; some say he’s gone off on a drug and alcohol fuelled bender, and some insist he’s buried up to the nuts in some high class call girl or other.

Here at Cafe Spike we’re not sure. The best we can come up with is that he’s buggered off to China because he thinks the Chinese are his mates, and that he’ll hand them a bung in order to promote football or the dog eating festival or something.

To be honest, we haven’t a clue where he is.

If anyone sees him can you let us know?

Many thanks.

Cafe Spike


Theresa May’s Cleavage Not Worth A Wank

No. Just, no. Not even with shampoo on.

No. Just, no. Not even with shampoo on.

Cafe Spike broke ranks with the mainstream media this morning, following hysterical press coverage of Home Secretary Theresa May’s cleavage as revealed during a live television broadcast covering George Osborne’s budget speech in Westminster.

Quite frankly we were in total agreement with Zebediah Spalding, the former Arctic explorer turned political commentator who said: “For God’s sake let’s have some perspective here. There’s something desperately wrong with a society where the government exploit the poor and infirm in order to line the pockets of the ultra-privileged, and all that goes over the heads of the media, who seem more interested in an old woman’s tits than the abuse of the population. Definitely something wrong here.”

“Frankly speaking,” Cafe Spike’s Editor in Chief Martin Shuttlecock told us. “And without being sexist or anything, but whenever I see Theresa May on the telly my gaze is more focussed on the bags under her eyes and her awful hairstyles than anything located due south of there, which can be of no possible interest to anyone in possession of a hormone unless it’s a question of loyalty. Not really worth a wank in the greater scheme of things.

“On a cerebral level I must admit that I do sometimes regard the woman with a vague curiosity – often wondering to myself how such an incompetent buffoon could ever attain such an exalted position in government. But then I look at the rest of them and it isn’t difficult to work out.”

Even The Sun appeared to make a massive fuss over the cleavage exposure, which is somewhat ironic considering that they published page three glamour shots for decades and owner Rupert Murdoch only recently married a washed up model cum groupie whose own cleavage was recently described as resembling “a basset hound’s lug holes” by an undisclosed alleged source.

In other news, trains into London Waterloo station were disrupted again as another citizen of the fifth largest economy in the world, and the most rapidly developing economy in Europe threw herself under a train at Clapham Junction in sheer desperation.

Paddy Berzinski


Cameron Stitched Up Like A Kipper As Boris Backs Brexit

Hey Up Lads - The Daggers Are Out

Hey Up Lads – The Daggers Are Out

With Boris Johnson and Iain Duncan Smith electing to go against the Prime Minister by backing a Brexit from the European Union, the question arises: Is this really all about Europe or is it another Conservative power play?

Even among his own hardcore supporters David Cameron is widely regarded as the worst Prime Minister in history, so it’s ironic that two of his high profile political “allies” are taking advantage of the opportunity to do to him what he allegedly did to that pig’s head.

It’s hard to sympathise with the fat faced idiot, so we aren’t even going to try. We’re just going to sit back and enjoy the fireworks as these jumped-up public school buffoons self-destruct and their sadistic party descends into chaos and farce. What’s annoying about this is that the people governing us are so self-absorbed and egotistical that they’re actually hijacking the single most important test of public opinion in decades – the great EU debate, in order to play their stupid games.

That fact alone speaks volumes about our so-called leaders.

Were it not so important it would be hysterically funny.

On the one hand we have an abject failure of a Prime Minister and his equally odious failed Chancellor advising us to remain in the EU, whilst on the other hand you have a failed Minister for Work and Pensions who has mercilessly pummelled the sick and the disadvantaged pairing up with the political caricature that is Boris “Born In The USA” Johnson. (Apologies to the Springsteen chap.)

And that’s before we even get to the comedy circus that sees the alliance of Nigel Farage and George Galloway.

“Infamy! Infamy! They’ve all got it in for me!” – The Carry On film line seems to sum up Cameron’s predicament perfectly.

We can only hope that every bastard one of them pushes the self destruct button, thus allowing somebody to gain power who actually knows what they’re doing.

Martin Shuttlecock for Cafe Spike. (We have a Facebook page but not many people like us. We don’t mind – we just do what we do.)


George Osborne Might Have Snorted Cocaine Off My Bare Tits – Bradford Prostitute

We couldn't print a picture of the prostitute so you'll have to make do with a pic we took of Katie Hopkins off the laptop

We couldn’t print a picture of the prostitute so you’ll have to make do with a pic we took of Katie Hopkins off the laptop

A Bradford prostitute who we can’t name for legal reasons has suggested that the Chancellor Of The Exchequer might have snorted high grade cocaine off her tits at a sordid sex party held in a West End Hotel.

The revelation came as the 58 year old woman appeared at Bradford Magistrates Court on a charge of not having a valid TV licence. When asked if she had anything to say in her defence she alleged that George Osborne might have snorted cocaine off her tits one time and that if such a thing had actually happened it could well have been the mitigating factor that sent her into a downward spiral of poverty and depravity.

Rejecting the claim, the magistrates found the woman guilty as charged and ordered her to pay a £200 fine and attend psychiatric counselling.

We managed to catch up with the woman outside the court complex to ask if there was any truth in her sordid allegation.

“Course it’s true,” she insisted. “I’ve had loads of politicians, pop stars, actors and telly presenters snort coke off me tits in me time. Osborne was one of ’em for sure. There’s nowt wrong wi’ my memory love. That Jeremy Hunt were a bugger for a bit o’ back door action, Iain Duncan Smith used to get a kick out of chaining me to a radiator and beating me swede in wi’ a baseball bat and Cameron’d ask us to fluff him up before he give it rice wi’ an ‘am shank afore he sniffed coke off me tits. It’ll all come out one day. Mark my words.”

We can’t be 100% certain that she was telling the truth, but nothing surprises us any more. Heaven help us all.

Paddy Berzinski for Cafe Spike


George Osborne now Britain’s most popular man

Gideon mate - give yer nose a good wipe before we go in.

Gideon mate – give yer nose a good wipe before we go in.

It’s true – Gideon has metamorphosed from cartoon villain to peoples’ champion on the strength of his autumn spending review after climbing down on proposed tax credit cuts and further cuts to the police budget. Good ole Gideon said that he’s listened to the people and subsequently executed an astonishing U-turn because such a measure would penalise hard working families unnecessarily, and categorically not executed the U-turn because it could well have smashed his political career to smithereens, led to the downfall of the Bullingdon Boys government and made the Conservative party look slightly less psychopathic than Pol Pot or Uncle Joe Stalin.

Gideon’s actions have at last given some degree of credibility to the party’s claims that they are now the party representing the workers of Great Britain. We asked a great British worker if he really felt that the Conservatives are the party of the common man?

Andy Prentiss works in a factory in Oxfordshire. Here’s what he told us:

“Oh yes. I feel safe under the Conservatives, more secure than I’ve ever felt in my life. I earn the minimum wage working for an agency and could be fired at a moment’s notice with no recourse to appeal of any kind. At least I have work and I’m grateful for that. I understand that sometimes my services aren’t needed and I think it’s really brilliant that the Conservatives are so keen to get people into work but not so keen on protecting those people once they are in work. It makes me feel needed and valuable – even though I get treated like shit all the time and the company I work for pays fuck all in taxes despite making millions in profit. It’s only right that I stand on my own two feet. And thanks to the wonderful Conservatives I know that if I’m really on the bones of my arse I can always feed the kids by way of the food bank while they sort my JSA claim out when I get fired so that I can be re-engaged on a lower pay scale, which I have to accept or I’ll have my benefits sanctioned. We truly do live in enlightened times, and it’s mainly due to the people’s party – the Conservatives.”

In related news, rumours that £2 billion in foreign aid to a certain South American country has been ring fenced in order to promote exports of Colombian Marching Powder have been vehemently denied by a Whitehall insider with a bad case of the sniffles.

Ted Pemberton