Merkel Orders Britain To Stop Making Sausages In Brexit Backlash

No sausage, no bacon - project fear becomes a hellish reality.

No sausage, no bacon – project fear becomes a hellish reality.

Through the auspices of the EU, German leader Angela Merkel has demanded that British sausage makers either stop producing sausages forthwith or pay a per sausage licence fee to the German government of approximately £1.50 per sausage to the German government.

“Sausages are a German innovation,” said German MEP Herr Willy Flicka. “It is only right and correct that Britain pay a licence fee of £1.50 per sausage to the fatherland. When you were our friends before the Brexit vote – apart from that twat Farage – we were happy to let you make sausages as a gesture of our good will. But now you have made it abundantly clear that you don’t like us, so you can pay the licence fee, you Fockers.”

“This is a disaster for British sausage manufacturers,” said Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University. “It’ll mean the price of a sausage sandwich or a hot dog will go up to around £10 a throw. It’s not good news for butchers or sausage manufacturers, and you can kiss your Cumberlands and your Lincs goodbye. As far as sausages go it’s game over. And all because we voted Brexit. It’s a crying shame really, but – on a positive note – at least the Germans haven’t invaded Poland yet.”

More on the Full English Breakfast crisis as we get it.

Martin Shuttlecock

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Have The Germans Really BANNED SAUSAGES?

A liar tucking in to sausage and mash earlier today.

A liar tucking in to sausage and mash earlier today.

SLAMMED!

According to the Sunday Express they have, but then according to reports in the EXPRESS there’s all manner of malarkey going on these days. The THREE MONTH ARCTIC WINTER they predicted never actually came about, and neither did the GIANT METEORITE cause GLOBAL DISASTER on Saturday night as predicted. Which tends to suggest that generally speaking the EXPRESS TALKS OUT OF ITS ARSE.

BLASTED!

The EXPRESS has form for this. Indeed the NATIONAL AND ONCE REPUTABLE news outlet appears to have abandoned responsible journalism in favour of blaming refugees and migrants for just about EVERYTHING imaginable. Such a travesty then that THE EXPRESS’s article of the month features a clip of some American bloke POPPING A MASSIVE ZIT, and drowning the screen in repulsive pus. Not forgetting THE EXPRESS’s really, really annoying USE OF BLOCK CAPS FOR SENSATIONALISM in just about every fucking bullshit headline they run.

SLAMMED AND BLASTED!

Oh, and not forgetting their rather weedy tactic of describing anyone with even the most minor of criticisms as SLAMMING this, or BLASTING that. What a load of old bollocks.

UKIP AND DONALD TRUMP BLASTED!

As if all that wasn’t enough they support UKIP – reporting every mouth-fart that Nigel ‘Mustard Pants’ Farage pollutes the atmosphere with. And they support Donald Trump – a Presidential candidate who seems more interested in convincing the American people that he doesn’t have small hands or a small dick than in actually saying anything relevant.

GERMANY SLAMMED AND BLASTED FOR BANNING SAUSAGES!

Just like the EXPRESS report concerning the full English breakfast ban – it’s just more bollocks from a poorly written, badly researched right-wing NATIONAL NEWS OUTLET that really should know better and act more responsibly, rather than pandering to its EDL and Britain First supporting readership of moronic neanderthals.

Just sayin’ like.

MS for cafespike.com

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FIFA World Cup Is A Fix! – Say Shell-Shocked Brazil Fans

A Brazil Shirt - Similar To The Thousands Set Alight In Sao Paolo Yesterday

A Brazil Shirt – Similar To The Thousands Set Alight In Sao Paolo Yesterday

Brazilian football fans the world over are finally coming to terms with their team’s 7-1 semi-final World Cup drubbing at the hands of Germany – and to a man they’re screaming “FOUL!” And they appear to lay the blame squarely at the door of shady far Eastern gambling syndicates.

“It’s obviously a fix,” said one irate fan on Copacabana beach yesterday. “Brazil could never be as poor as that unless the players deliberately rolled over and allowed the Germans to win. In boxing and Arjen Robben terms, they took a dive.”

Watching re-runs of the match, the Brazilian fans appear to have a point.

Top class Brazilian stars like Fred and Hulk simply kept their silky skills to themselves and seem to have adopted the tactic of going for a gentle stroll for 90 minutes during World Cup matches, looking slightly bored by the whole event, and then there’s the little matter of star player Neymar suffering a fractured vertebra in a sickening incident at the end of the quarter final.

“I just think Neymar wanted out,” a Rio firefighter told us as he hosed down a burning bus set alight by rampaging fans in a favela. “And to be honest I don’t blame the lad. Had he played in that game his reputation would have been left in tatters. You better stand back a bit. I think the gas tank’s about to blow…”

The mood in Germany was somewhat different, perhaps predictably.

“We slaughtered them because they are a poor team,” Rolf Krauss said as he wolfed down a beer in Munich’s Hofbrauhaus. “We just walked through them like they weren’t there – probably because they weren’t. Their defence was non-existent and technically they had a very poor team with almost zero tactical nous. I think they thought they just had to turn up on time to win the thing, because the referees seem to have bent over backwards to accommodate them. There was no ‘fix’ and anyone who believes otherwise is a fool.”

An undercover Café Spike investigation discovered that the Brazilian players, had they won the tournament would have walked away as national heroes worth countless millions of dollars so that for them to have thrown the game seems highly unlikely.

What do you think?

Send us your views on our Facebook page.

We’ll probably just laugh at you – but that’s life.

Martin Shuttlecock for Café Spike.

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