Trump To Deport Nigel Farage

You're fired ya prick! Now fuck off!

You’re fired ya prick! Now fuck off!

US President Elect, Donald Trump is to have Nigel Farage deported from the USA as soon as possible after discovering that the creepy little shit isn’t some big shot politician after all – just some half arsed chancer who showed up at Trump Tower prostituting himself like a three dollar whore. [Read more…]

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Macho man Trump does a runner in Reno after gun threat

I'll put my hands up! Just don't shoot!

I’ll put my hands up! Just don’t shoot!

Oh Donald…in a scene reminiscent of Stephen King’s novel, The Dead Zone, you ducked and ran for cover when security identified an armed threat.

Oh dear.

We thought you liked guns…

We thought you were a tough guy…

We thought you’d protect us…

There you go.

Byee…

Cafe Spike

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Mississippi Republican thought Nigel Farage was an alien

An alien pictured waving a small flag last week.

An alien pictured waving a small flag last week.

When Nigel Farage appeared on stage with Donald Trump recently in Mississippi many attendees were somewhat confused regarding exactly who Nigel Farage is and what on earth is his relevance to the US presidential campaign.

It seems many got the wrong end of the stick.

“He’s some kind of alien ambassador to planet earth ain’t he?” said staunch Republican Jerry Klugelheimer III. “They told us we’d be making contact this year with the aliens, and he’s the alien, right?”

When our reporter corrected Mr Klugelheimer and explained that Nigel Farage is in fact the outgoing leader of UKIP and a leading Brexit campaigner he scratched his head, frowned and said:

“Well I’ll be damned. I would have sworn he’s an alien. He looks like a goddamned alien, he talks like a goddamned alien…wow. I can’t wrap my head around this. I have no clue what the hell UKIP or Brexit is but if that guy is human he’s one pug ugly little pipsqueak.”

“I can’t understand why Trump had him up there,” said Republican voter Dolores Saskwatch. “He reminds me of Hitler – all that hand waving and aggressive talk makes him come across as a nasty little man. I think Trump should dump him immediately – the Trump campaign doesn’t want to be associated with extremist right wing politics.”

Hmmm…

More as we get it.

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Trump Tried To Get Into My Knickers Claims English Rose

Georgina Osborne pictured in Accrington yesterday.

Georgina Osborne pictured in Accrington yesterday.

US presidential candidate Donald Trump was allegedly obsessed with former model and reformed drug addict Georgina Osborne and made repeated attempts to seduce her during a night out at a snooker club in Accrington, Lancs.

According to English rose, Georgina Osborne.

The failed seduction attempt took place in 1986, after Trump plied Ms Osborne with fourteen pints of Thwaites bitter and a bottle of Babycham.

“He was terribly insistent,” Georgina recalls. “I was outside in the car park waiting for a taxi when he came to give me what I thought would be a goodnight hug, but before I knew it he had me bent over the bonnet of a Ford Cortina. Had it not been for the intervention of a man from a kebab van I shudder to think what might have happened. Trump had me at his mercy, but in fairness he saw the absurdity of the situation and bought me a doner kebab. He admitted he’d allowed himself to get a little carried away by my stunning beauty and we laughed about it afterwards. Anyway, it all turned out well because I married the man from the kebab van.

“Of course that was before the crack cocaine addiction, the prostitution and six appearances on the Jeremy Kyle show, but I was young and foolish then. And so was he.”

We contacted Donald Trump’s campaign HQ for a reaction to Ms Osborne’s revelation but they completely ignored us.

And please – no Specsavers quips. They aren’t remotely funny and we’re sick to fucking death of them.

Paddy Berzinski

*Next week – Georgina Osborne – Nigel Farage wanted me to wear a burkha in kinky sex romp

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Is This Donald Trump’s Final Solution?

Some flyaway hair pictured with the Donald

Some flyaway hair pictured with the Donald

To the great Constitutional scholar Donald Trump and to anyone of his ilk who believes it is acceptable to force Muslims to register on some database simply because they are a member of a certain religion: Maybe force them to wear striped pajamas with yellow Crescent Moons sewn on the fronts.  How could that go wrong?

You are an un-American stooge who has never read the Bill of Rights, or who believes it only pertains to (or, most likely believes it SHOULD only pertain to) those of the “Christian” faith, since it is obvious that only Christians should have rights to worship unregistered:

Amendment 1:

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof…”

To force any practitioner of any religious faith to register with a government agency, which, in this case, is any Muslim believer whether or not he or she is a US citizen, would amount to a de facto barrier to the free exercise thereof of their faith. No one in this country has any right whatsoever to know what religion I practice, or if indeed I practice none at all.

And for those of you who believe “it could never happen here in the US,” just ask the Mormons what has happened to them in this country. I’ll give you a hint… hell; I’ll be generous and give you two hints:

(1) In the 19th Century, an order of Extermination was signed by a state governor (figuratively) giving the Mormons till sundown to get out of town or to face extermination at the hands of the state militia.

(2) Polygamy kept the Territory of Utah from becoming a state and husbands were jailed in prisons, many losing everything they had in the process. Polygamy was a tenant of the LDS religious faithful. Exactly who it hurt, I do not know or care; US citizens were denied their rights based upon their religious beliefs.

Snake handling is illegal in many states. Christian Scientists are often prosecuted for faith healing, whereas Benny Hinn is free to swindle millions from Social Security recipients for bogus healings and jabbering over them whist he slaps them out cold with a blow to the forehead.. God knows we can’t have ole Benny put out of business; but it could happen if we put faith healers on a data base and prosecuted them when their “healed” lame folks trip and break a hip, or worse.

Do you believe it cannot happen to you, my Christian friends? Then why, oh why do I read (almost every day) in newspapers and magazines about “the war upon Christianity?”

Finally, for those of you who believe Muslims should all be placed upon some database or “No Fly List,” why is it that you are so dead-set opposed to registering your guns, all of which CAN and COULD kill an innocent YOU–but you can be in favor of registering US citizens of the Muslim faith who are unlikely to ever kill YOU?

It’s the US versus THEM mentality that shall most likely do you in.  Hitler beat Trump on the registering of religious groups; he registered Jews.  Now, how was that a bad idea?

By Frank E Jordan, US Correspondent, Café Spike

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More Tea Vicar?

They Hate This Man - We Can't Think Why...

They Hate This Man – We Can’t Think Why…

You Tea Partiers need to get a grip, preferably around the throats of your heroes Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman.

I mean, Sarah Palin not only cannot name a member of the Founding Fathers of this country, but believes only citizens of the US have any rights in a court of law and that means either she has never read the US Constitution or, if she has, she cannot understand it.

Michelle Bachman shouldn’t be a MC because she is quite literally barking mad. She says people elected Obama because they felt sorry for him because he was black. Well, I believe people elected her because they felt sorry for her because she is developmentally challenged (with my apologies to those folks who are.)

In Texass, (sic) a school board member said she wanted blacks off the board. And her statements were recorded. But she doesn’t believe she should have to resign because she was only expressing her honest opinion. I think she should be muzzled and kept in a veterinarian hospital long enough to find out if she is rabid. I am only expressing my honest opinion.

Another of your heroes believes that God gave North America to the English because savages were wasting it. Now before my brain implodes, may I remind you that aboriginal people were not savages. They absolutely did not waste the land but we’re tied to it and worshiped it. And there are no more savage people in this country than the members of the Westboro Baptassholigan Church. Even WV snake handlers have more sense than to picket a fallen soldier’s funeral.

I’d like to say it ain’t nothin but a thing but Jesus weeps every time you folks open your hate filled, “Christian” mouths in his name.

I could go on. Unfortunately, I have a brain and I know now that you Tea Partiers want to roll back civil liberties until folks like me are not allowed to say what A-holes you are.

Maybe burn me at the stake with the ‘faggots?’ I just put a mental image in your tiny mind didn’t I?

From our US Correspondent, Frank E Jordan

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