Andrea Leadsom In A Nutshell

Popular with Express readers but not so much with foxes. Leadsom.

Popular with Express readers but not so much with foxes. Leadsom.

Until recently the vast majority of the British public had barely heard of Prime Ministerial contender Andrea Leadsom, so to save you the trouble we’ve done the research for you. proudly presents a potted history of Andrea Leadsom.

Ms Leadsom attributes her strongly held Christian values to the fact that she was born in a stable in Bethlehem beneath a shining star after her parents were turned away from an inn which had been fully booked up by gay couples in Bethlehem for an LGBT wedding. She insists to this day that she isn’t bitter over the incident, citing that she regularly attends a donkey sanctuary as evidence.

In 1066 Leadsom was working as a military advisor to King Harold. The king ignored Leadsom’s tactical battle plan and got shot in the eye by an archer. “If only he’d listened, we’d never have lost the battle of Hastings and Britain would have remained British,” Leadsom mourned some days after the event.

In 1534 Leadsom founded the Church of England after telling the Pope to get stuffed. “It was me behind that,” Leadsom told friends. “Henry VIII was nominally in charge of the state at the time but in reality he was always off bonking one or other of his wives or stuffing his face with chicken legs and red wine, so I took charge. Henry was fun to be around but in affairs of state he was about as much use as a cheesecloth condom.”

During World War II Ms Leadsom was employed as a speech writer for then Prime Minister, Winston Churchill. “All that stuff about fighting them on the beaches and never in the field of human conflict – that was me that was. Winnie wasn’t very good with words and he was off his nut on brandy 24/7. Not a lot of people know that, but I do.”

In the searing heat of the 2008 credit crunch crisis which plunged the world into recession it was Ms Leadsom who saved Britain’s bacon. “Poor Gordon Brown was completely out of his depth,” she reportedly said. “So I took over. I couldn’t believe the scale of the mess we were in as a nation so I took immediate damage limitation steps. That involved making some tough decisions, but had I not taken command of the situation we’d have been in worse financial shape than Greece. I’m quite proud of my role in our recovery actually, although I don’t really like talking about it.”

And there’s more to Andrea Leadsom than simply being an outstanding politician; she also has sporting and artistic streaks and has always been highly active in both fields, aside from her stellar political and banking careers.

In the 1970’s she assisted Francis Ford Coppola during the filming of the Oscar winning Godfather films in the capacity of technical advisor. “That was fun,” she told Empire Magazine. “And not without creative differences. Francis was initially very dubious about including the horse’s head scene but I insisted. I simply wouldn’t take no for an answer – the rest is history. At the time I called Brando, DeNiro and Pacino my “boys.” You could say that I really had my stamp all over those films.”

In the 1960’s Leadsom was also an influential behind the scenes figure in the football world. “Yes,” Ms Leadsom smiled in a TV interview in 1970. “It was me that told Alf to put Hursty in the starting eleven, and I told Matt Busby to use Nobby Stiles to man mark Eusebio in the 68 European Cup Final. It all made perfect sense to me. Of course I faced a few raised eyebrows, but in the end I was proved correct. As I always am.”

Ms Leadsom was also a hands on supporter of the civil rights movement in the USA in the turbulent 60’s, marching hand in hand with Dr Martin Luther King on many occasions and witnessing the slaying of Malcolm X at the Audubon Ballroom in Harlem, New York. Ms Leadsom is also a super mother, an accomplished juggler, a playwright, a gymnast and has worked as a stunt double for Angelina Jolie in a series of action movies.

Not forgetting of course her tireless work for charity and keen interest in offshore banking and tax havens.

Source: Billy Fisher.

Article by Paddy Berzinski.


Daily Mail more interested in Top Gear than us says steelworker

Carol Vorderman - Welsh but not a steelworker.

Carol Vorderman – Welsh but not a steelworker.

A Welsh steelworker expressed concern today that the Daily Mail appeared more interested in the forthcoming Top Gear series than in the plight of 40,000 steelworkers, their families, and the countless ancillary dependents of the British steel industry.

“It’s a bloody disgrace,” said Clive Waller. “I mean, I can understand the outpourings of grief over the passing of a national treasure like Ronnie Corbett – God love him – but when there’s thousands of families whose lives are being turned upside down and inside out you’d think the national press would have more immediate concerns than bloody Top Gear.

“It just demonstrates how highly the working man is regarded by those with a ‘for profit’ propaganda machine at their disposal. What’s really annoying is that they sacrificed our industrial base in favour of banking and the service industry and when it all goes tits up they bail out the bankers but they don’t want to know when we’re in trouble. And it’s all because they have this fanatical power trip agenda.

“What they don’t seem to realise is that if they kill us off they really won’t have a fall-back position because there’ll be bugger all left to fall back on. It’s fantasy politics. Still, as long as Top Gear’s in good shape it’s all good. I suppose…until you factor into the equation that they hate the BBC too.

“Let ’em carry on. There’ll only be them left after they’ve killed every other bugger off.

“Then I expect they’ll start eating themselves.

“Like the short sighted cannibals they are.”


Iain Duncan Smith – Mwaah ha ha ha ha…

Vlad The Impaler pictured recently at a cannibal barbecue.

Vlad The Impaler pictured recently at a cannibal barbecue.

Those who think Iain Duncan Smith’s resignation from the DWP means he’s gone for good need to think in terms of horror movies where the bad guy – seemingly dead – gets up and continues his reign of terror with even greater ferocity than before. They’re dead but they won’t lie down.

As for resigning on a point of principle – sadistic psychopaths rarely – if ever – have a sudden attack of guilt following a concerted five year rampage, so we aren’t buying that at all. It’s political grandstanding and IDS has clearly thrown his cap in with Boris and the Brexit brigade, instantly transforming from demon to morally upright martyr; at least in the eyes of the terminally stupid and Daily Express readers.

Celebrating IDS’s resignation seems somewhat premature. He’ll be back, more evil than ever, like Michael Myers, Freddie Krueger and the Terminator.

In fact IDS will probably pop out of a Whitechapel alley in the dead of night tonight, wearing a long black cape and a top hat, brandishing a large knife ruthlessly murdering and mutilating innocent passers by.

A chap’s got to keep his hand in, don’t you know.

Martin Shuttlecock


MP’s To Be Subjected To Random Drug Testing

Gideon mate - give yer nose a good wipe before we go in.

Gideon mate – give yer nose a good wipe before we go in.

MP’s based in the House of Commons are threatening to go on strike after being told they face mandatory random drug testing, like footballers and athletes and employees of puritanical multi-national corporations. Members of the National Union of MP’s have slammed the move and are threatening a series of one day strikes in protest at what they describe as “an unjustifiable assault on our human rights.”

One particular MP complained: “I’m not having this. Who is anyone to make life changing decisions affecting my professional life? I didn’t study all my life to become a freeloading profiteer only for some fucking oik to start poking his bastard nose in. I’m a human being too for Christ’s sake.

“Just because I have an addiction to Colombian marching powder doesn’t mean I cant do my job properly. This is a bridge too far. Before we know it they’ll be clamping down on our tax avoidance schemes and scrutinising our expense accounts. If I choose to snort Charlie off an escort’s tits that’s my business. We’re all together on this one. We aren’t having it.”

This one promises to be ongoing.

More as we get it.

Martin Shuttlecock


Dear Mr Cameron – Would you like my balls as well?

Dear Fat Foreheaded bacon faced fuckwit...

Dear Fat Foreheaded bacon faced fuckwit…

Dear Mr Cameron

No doubt you’ll be pleased to know that I am no longer a Trade Union member; I suppose I ought to be grateful for this situation and feel heaven blessed that your Prime Ministerial predecessors – Messrs Thatcher, Major, Blair, and Brown virtually destroyed the trade union movement in order to appease the bankers and industrialists of this world in the name of profit. I won’t mention the tax evading multi-national corporations you’re so kind to, because that would be a tad embarrassing for all concerned.

Anyway, I wish you well in your single-handed campaign to destroy everything that working people fought so hard to establish over so many years, and I fully understand that we all need a good kick in the arse from time to time so that we know our place. I stand in awe of your resolute approach regarding the total destruction of the ‘enemy within.’ I was never a member of the Bullingdon Club myself, although I did once own a rather nice jacket. One I worked overtime to pay for. (Do you remember overtime Sir? It used to be paid at time and a half, double time on Sundays by way of compensation for workers sacrificing time with their families in order to meet production requirements. Thank heaven you and your predecessors put a stop to that nonsense with zero hours contracts and agency employment. Quite frankly it was a nightmare until common sense kicked in.)

I think it makes perfect sense to demand that striking shirkers give two weeks notice to employers in order to initiate strike action. I mean, it’s not as though strike action is a last resort is it? The lazy sods just want a day off in the sun to pop down the beach and sun themselves. Unlike our hard working Parliamentarians who can’t afford to take a day off unless it involves filling in expense forms. I also think it makes perfect sense that striking picket line members (Although I haven’t personally seen a picket line since the Miners Strike in 1984/5 which the heroic Mrs Thatcher soon crushed with the invaluable assistance of a battery of expensive consultants, like the McGregor chap, an upstanding man if ever I saw one.) will be forced to register their names and details with the police.

Personally, I’d be a bit careful with that one. Take a lead from Mrs Thatcher – she may well have been going a bit senile at the time but she knew to keep the old Bill onside. She dragged them in from all over the country to batter people at places like Orgreave coking plant, and paid them generous overtime rates, spending millions in order to beat the bolshy bastards down and essentially create what we now understand to be welfare dependency. Should you achieve such astounding success in your union bashing campaign, don’t forget to take full credit for your achievement, and unlike Mrs Thatcher be overlooked for creating benefit scroungers whilst giving us the miracle that is Canary Wharf. We’re proud of that, so it doesn’t pay to overlook achievement. One has to speculate, to…erm…accumulate.

In closing Sir – good luck in obliterating those bolshy trade union left wing bastards. Or at least what’s left of them.

Your obedient servant

Martin Shuttlecock

PS – If you reply to this letter I promise I’ll send my freshly cut off bollocks back by return post. I’d give more, but sadly I have nothing else left.


Has England Sold Its Soul To The Devil?

Once Upon A Time We All Worked Together As A Team

Once Upon A Time We All Worked Together As A Team

So, the election results are in, and as Mr Cameron himself might say, the electorate have sent out a clear message to our political leaders that we want the next five years to be presided over by the Conservative party. True – not everybody wants it, but the geopolitical minority obviously do. That’s democracy in action.

For the less well off, the elderly the sick, those who care about our NHS, those on low wages and zero hours contracts it maybe isn’t such an enthralling prospect. It’s another five years of living on the edge, food banks, insecure low-paying jobs, praying that you don’t ever get sick, and sort of wondering where all these people actually are who you read about in the Daily Mail? You know the ones – the ones the Sun calls ‘benefit scroungers,’ the ones who ‘come over here taking our jobs’ and walking out of benefit offices with the keys to a posh house in Mayfair and pockets stuffed with cash? The ones with the big plasma screen TVs who drive brand new BMWs, holiday in the Caribbean and dine out at Michelin starred restaurants?

I’ve never known anybody on benefits who lives like that. And I’ve known a lot of people who survive on benefits; strangely enough, none of them were exactly living the high life.

The less well off in our society – including the millions engaged in low-paid employment are pretty nervous right now. Given that the coalition government have absolutely hammered the most vulnerable in society, and with a promise of even greater austerity to come, their concerns must be taken seriously. Nick Clegg, the former Deputy PM and Lib-Dem leader has said that the influence of his party in its coalition role reined the Conservatives in to some extent, preventing them from going all-out psycho on the poor. Now that restraint has been removed and the Tories have a free hand.

Not much more than a century ago, when the British Empire was the most powerful in the world, when the rich lived in palatial luxury, the poor made the money – in the factories, in the shipyards, in the steelworks, down the coal mines, and for their labour they were worked slowly to death in appalling conditions, crowded into ramshackle slums and left to their own devices. If you didn’t work you didn’t eat, if you got sick you died. Happened every day. Most people couldn’t read or write. Travel was unheard of. People lived and died in the same small area and rarely went anywhere other than home or to work. Some joined the army, fighting for the Empire. Women were second class citizens. Life was brutal. Life was short and generally extremely unpleasant.

It was these people who were sacrificed on the fields of Flanders, these people who shed their blood, the same people who manned the factories, the mills and the pits who fought the enemy and were regarded as expendable.

Things changed. It wasn’t a simple process – this isn’t intended to be a historical document, merely a fleeting overview. Things changed because people began to care about each other, they formed alliances and fought a new enemy – oppression. The trades union movement was born – bringing equality and fairness to millions, education and womens’ rights to vote were fought for, and the crowning glory was that the National Health Service was created.

It must have seemed like Utopia – fairness at work, dignity, a sense of pride and the envy of the world – the NHS.

Consecutive governments – both Labour and Tory – have fought tooth and nail since the 1960s to either claw back, or completely remove these freedoms, and we the British public have not only allowed them to do this – we’ve given them our blessing, patted them on the back and applauded them. Something like leaving everything you’ve ever earned to your executioner because you think he’s doing a damned good job.

And before you start – no this is not some left wing socialist rant. I just want to know why we don’t seem to care about our fellow man any more. It’s a simple enough ask. We used to pride ourselves on our community and national spirit, we used to support our families, our mates and their families, our workmates, we used to have compassion, not just for our own people, for any group of people who were having a hard time. We used to send food to famine victims, help to the victims of natural disasters, and sometimes we still do back up a worthy cause but it appears to be a dying trait of our national psyche.

What happened to us? At which point did we actually stop giving a fuck about anyone else?

I spend quite a bit of time online, and sometimes it can be pretty disquieting. On the one hand you get people purring over cuddly animal stuff on Facebook, and you get people starting petitions because somebody shot a cat with a bow and arrow, or outraged because somebody dropped the ‘F’ word (The word is fuck.) on a TV newscast, and on the other hand you get people advocating gunboats in the Mediterranean and being applauded for it, and a lunatic fringe who want to pull us out of the EU because they’re afraid of Muslims. (You really couldn’t make this shit up.)

Are these people the new voice of Britain? Are these the same self-righteous people who voted in a government which has already started the creeping privatisation of the NHS? The government who vow to recoup billions from the most vulnerable in society whilst they turn a blind eye to their tax avoiding chums and the zero tax paying multinational corporations? Is this what the new voice of Britain voted for? Among a raft of equally nasty measures perpetrated by a government which will clearly only benefit the rich – who have got considerably richer as the poor die. Is this what we really want?

It must be. We voted for it. That’s democracy – even if we do have the worst performing government in a century? A government which presides over the biggest rich/poor gap since Victorian times? How did that happen?

For one thing – Rupert Murdoch and his insidious media empire. Aided and abetted by the Telegraph and the Mail. They warned of chaos if Miliband got into power and allied himself with the SNP, which seems a trifle hypocritical considering that there’s been chaos since 2010 and nobody has been effective in dealing with it. The Sun happily publishes xenophobic rants by middle aged women who ought to know better (Katie Hopkins) whilst the Express donates to UKIP, supporting its extreme right wing agenda – at the same time as the Mail, once UKIP friendly – suddenly coming to regard UKIP as a threat to the Conservative vote, omits to mention Nigel Farage at all in the days running up to the election.

UKIP were dealt a bad hand in reality – even though they shook up the mainstream parties with their xenophobic stance to a degree whereby immigration suddenly leapt up the agenda, second only to the economy. UKIP became cannon fodder because they threatened to erode the right wing vote. We all know how that turned out, and to be honest I won’t be shedding any tears over Farage. Whichever way you look at it, this election was a massive con – designed simply to divide and rule – and the electorate fell for it, hook line and sinker.

In my own constituency, Fareham, in Hampshire, a Conservative won by a landslide. I wonder if the electorate ever actually realised that by casting their votes that way they were virtually green-lighting a huge development plan known locally as Welborne, which will inevitably place unbearable strain on our already overstretched infrastructure. And that doesn’t even include further development programmes involving thousands of new dwellings. It all seems eerily reminiscent of the day after the 9/11 atrocity when I remarked to a colleague: “That was terrible. The most shocking thing I think I’ve ever seen in a nation at peace.” The reply was: “I don’t really care. It doesn’t affect me.”

But didn’t it affect us all? That’s the trouble. We’ve sold our souls. We’ve all been had. And the really sad thing is that we don’t seem to care.

Martin Shuttlecock.