UKIP to offer EXPRESS readers FREE online remedial ENGLISH lessons

Dear Niggle - ah fink yew are..."

Dear Niggle – ah fink yew are…”

Reports are suggesting that UKIP are set to roll out a programme of free online remedial English lessons for its members who comment on the DAILY EXPRESS website after a study found that 99.7% of kipper comments were “frankly quite fucking embarrassing,” according to an insider.

“No wonder the public at large think UKIP members are as thick as bollocks,” said UKIP representative Paul Nutter. “I’m all in favour of taking our country back – but not for these fucking idiots. They’re an embarrassment. They don’t even seem to have a grasp of the basics, like punctuation and when to use capitals, and when it comes to the difference between there, their and they’re – they’re fucking clueless.

“They’re the same with your and you’re. And let me tell you I’ve wept tears of blood at the number of times I’ve seen people wanting to reclaim our “boarders.” It’s a disgrace really, when the migrants speak better English than the natives, so we’re rolling out this education programme.

“I very much doubt it’ll have much effect. To be honest I’m thinking of defecting to the Tories.”


More as we get it.



Express Wordwheel Puzzle Is Quite Revealing

What are they on?

What are they on?

The Express Wordwheel puzzle is a test of vocabulary, featuring in a puzzle format nine letters which players must use to score points, with the central wheel letter compulsorily used in words constructed which must be a minimum of four letters with no proper names allowed.

Saturday’s DE Wordwheel puzzle consisted of the following letters: G I B N R O T H with the essential component letter being the additional and central letter B

So, that’s G I B N R O T H B

Here at Cafe Spike we got BINGO, THROBBING, THROB, BROTH, ROBBING, BRIO, BOTH, GIBBON, BRIGHT, RIGHT and ORBIT – amongst others.

But BRIT and BRITON weren’t allowed.

Whilst BIGOT was?

Is it just us, or has the Daily Express become some sort of treatment facility for the terminally delusional?

Or, even more sinisterly…is the Daily Express taking the piss out of its own rabid readership?

Answers on a postcard…but not to us please.

We have enough shit going on in our own world without inviting Richard Desmond and his shitty newspaper’s idiotic readers to contact us.

So tell them.

Leave us out of it.

And have a nice day ya bastards.


Dare You Take The Cafe Spike Spelling Test?












Everybody makes mistakes; everybody occasionally makes typos and sometimes we fall victim to auto-correct on our phones, but some people are just really stupid and seemingly determined to make themselves look like complete idiots on social media and comment sections of websites. Not that we’d mock the intellectually challenged, or take the piss or anything like that, but test your spelling with our quick quiz multiple choice spelling selection. And to prove we aren’t taking the piss, we’ll even give you a clue.Ready?

Here we go.

Remember, we’re looking for the correct spelling, not feeble excuses.

1) A person who hasn’t been taught to read and write.

a) Illitrit.

b) Illiterite.

c) Illiterate.

d) Steaming heap of dog shit.

(Select one answer only. We don’t have time to piss about.)

2) The location of an object or person.

a) They’re.

b) Their.

c) There.

d) Knob head.

(Hurry up, the pubs are open.)

3) Without a shadow of a doubt.

a) Defiantly.

b) Definately.

c) Definitely.

d) Shirley Temple’s tits.

(Come on – it isn’t that difficult.)

4) A state of harmony.

a) Piece.

b) Piss.

c) Peace.

d) Piss-flaps.

(Hurry up – the tea’s on!)

5) Thought about.

a) Wandered.

b) Wounded.

c) Wondered.

d) Drippy dirt box.

(It’s like watching paint dry is this. HURRY UP!)

6) Belonging to us.

a) Are.

b) Hour.

c) Our.

d) Hairy arseholes.

(It isn’t bastard rocket science! Get on with it!)

7) Something that makes no sense.

a) Redicerlous.

b) Rediculous.

c) Ridiculous.

d) Smelly sweaty bollocks.

(A load of. Probably.)

8) That which is to be frowned upon.

a) Dispicable.

b) Despickabel.

c) Despicable.

d) Knob cheese with chives in it.

(Almost there. Only 2 to go. You can do it.)

9) A sausage ingredient.

a) Poke.

b) Plonk.

c) Pork.

d) Pickled pigs’ dicks.

(This is hard work. We don’t know why we bother sometimes.)

10) An involuntary response to humour.

a) Larf.

b) Laff.

c) Laugh.

d) A wet fart with a few bits of runny shit in it.

(That’s it. We won’t be doing this again.)

How did you do?

Mostly A’s – Probably a Daily Mail reader.

Mostly B’s – Probably Daily Express reader.

Mostly C’s – You probably once read a book.

Mostly D’s – You’re probably a Café Spike reader.

Not that it makes any difference anyway. The very fact that you even attempted to try this test demonstrates that you’re worthy only of utter contempt. Unless of course you answered mostly D’s – in which case you really ought to follow us on Facebook and have a look at our non-interactive website occasionally. You could even try sending our Editor in Chief, Martin Shuttlecock a Facebook friend request, although he’ll probably ignore you because by all accounts he’s a proper dickhead.

Compiled by Café Spike’s very own Ted Pemberton.

(A right twat if ever there was one.)