Captain America Unmasked?

Captain America or just some silly old sod playing Penny For The Guy?

Captain America or just some silly old sod playing Penny For The Guy?

We got a really weird email today at the café, consisting of a picture of some old geezer posing alongside some as yet non-gender specific shrivelled specimen which looks like the type of thing that would enjoy an occasional sojourn with a sailor in a foreign land for a penny or two. Frankly we were utterly baffled. The accompanying text was even more baffling. It simply read: “Captain America unmasked? Do your research. The answer is out there.”

Not having the faintest idea what this nonsense was all about, we ran a Goggle search on Captain America purely out of curiosity.

It seems that Captain America is a Marvel Comics superhero who made his debut in 1941, that his real name is Steve Rogers, that he wears some kind of stupid body stocking, that he’s an expert in Morse code and that he carries a shield that vaguely resembles a dustbin lid with a star drawn on it. The impression we got was that Captain America is the sort of reactionary right wing mug who these days would probably watch Fox News and suck up everything that idiot Sean Hannity says and perceive it as wisdom.

All of which means exactly jack shit to us.

Looking at the guy in the fuzzy pic, he could be a Steve we suppose, at a stretch. The poor guy looks henpecked all to hell and back and probably talks the talk when he’s fraternising with his jock buddies, although it seems pretty certain that he wouldn’t know where the house trousers are because his wife is wearing them. Probably, if not almost certainly.

Further research revealed that Captain America is a popular character in the motion pictures, played by Chris Evans – who we thought was a ginger British TV and radio presenter, but it seems it’s a different Chris Evans, who also isn’t the bloke in the email pic we got. Although the bloke in the pic may well be a hundred years old, judging by the look of him.

And probably resides in a gated community because he’s paranoid about people with a slightly darker skin hue than himself, especially if their surname happens to be Obama.

The problem for us here at Café Spike is that even though the answer may well be out there, we have no wish to find out what it is. We’re Café Spike, not the bastard X Files.

So please don’t send us any more moronic emails about Vikings and stuff because we’re busy people and we don’t care.

Reporter: Burgess “Never Seen Combat Because I Made That Part Up” Butthole

*No xenophobic, homophobic, paedophilic, racist, hate-mongering nut-jobs were hurt in the process of publishing this article. Which is a pity really, but you can’t have everything.

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It’s Squeaky Bum Time For US Satire Site As ISIS Roll Into Texas

Sad Tired World's EIC Burgess Butthole - Shitting Bricks Today

Sad Tired World’s EIC Burgess Butthole – Shitting Bricks Today

A little known group of writers (we can’t really call them satirists) who contribute to an online ‘satirical’ publication which bills itself as, “one of the most interesting and funny sites on the web, with thousands of articles from a conservative slant” are reported to be shitting themselves today following the revelation that ISIS have claimed responsibility for a foiled attack on an extremist meeting in Garland, Texas, which left two perpetrators dead and a security guard injured.

The ‘writers’ involved have a long history of stoking anti-Islamic sentiment, and of repeatedly insulting the Prophet, going back years to the days when they were banned from other websites after dogmatically refusing to refrain from peddling their twisted brand of hate and bigotry, and stamping their feet like a kid throwing a tantrum when they couldn’t get their own way.

Eventually the small group of societal misfits went on to form their own website, which continues to spew out racist, sexist, homophobic and anti-Islamic material, but according to some cyber experts the attack in Garland has “put the willies right up ’em.”

Cafe Spike’s very own Martin Shuttlecock has had a number of run-ins with these people. Here’s what he had to say.

“These guys seemed okay at first,” he said. “Writing dumb late-middle-aged sexual fantasies about young celebrities, but then a darker, more sinister aspect began to rear its ugly head. They started ganging up on other contributors and launching outright hate and smear campaigns against anyone who had the temerity to oppose their extreme political stance – which was slightly to the right of the KKK.

“It all started to go wrong for them when they flew into a collective hissy-fit when one publisher declined to accept a story inciting ‘Piss On A Mosque Day’ and despite some good advice from other writers they were pretty insulting towards the publisher, to the point where they were banned from the site.

“I told them myself that if a UK based publisher had published that article he or she would be leaving themselves open to criminal charges and possibly even imprisonment. Their response to that was that the publisher was a weak, insecure chickenshit. Which of course he wasn’t – he merely conducted himself like a responsible adult.

“They then moved on to a website based in India which had no publishing restrictions and between them pretty much destroyed it, to the point where it no longer has an online presence.

“So they started up their own site, and to be quite frank it’s pure dreck. All it consists of is a series of vicious rants and nasty insults hurled at the President, the Democrats, anyone who disagrees with them, and… erm…myself and a few other people.

“They were just too daft to make arseholes out of really, and about as funny as getting yourself skinned alive by a psycho wielding a potato peeler. We just ignored them.

“What made me think of them today was the attack on the cartoon contest in Garner, which ISIS claimed responsibility for. These goons who’ve been publishing their hate crap for some time now seemed to think that Islamic extremism was fair game for them, because that sort of stuff only happens on the other side of the world. Now it’s happened in Texas, and could happen anywhere in the USA or around the world, they’ll be shitting themselves. They’re just a bunch of clapped out old fart keyboard warriors with more bluster than is good for them.

“It’ll be interesting to see how brave and outspoken they are today. My money says they’ll be huddled in their Mommas’ basements adjusting the straps on their tin-foil helmets.”

*Cafe Spike does not endorse hate-filled material of any description, but we do like frank and open discussion and the odd spot of blatant piss-taking.

**And remember kids – never be afraid to prod an idiot with a pointed stick.

Paddy Berzinski

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