Travellers Didn’t Want To Stop At Fareham

Fareham - world leader in mobile technology and human rights.

Fareham – world leader in mobile technology, charity shops and human rights.

A group of travellers basing themselves temporarily at Locks Heath, near Fareham in Hampshire have apologised for any inconvenience caused to outraged local residents by explaining that Fareham wasn’t on their original itinerary and that they had been forced by unforeseen circumstances to make an emergency stopover.

“Two of our vehicles were beset by mechanical problems,” a spokesman for the travellers told The Nose. “So unfortunately we had to pull in by Locks Heath shopping centre. I say unfortunately, because whereby many local councils make provisions for travellers – such as running water and waste disposal facilities – Fareham Borough Council doesn’t. They don’t want us here and quite frankly we don’t want to be here either. But in an emergency, what can you do?”

Fareham resident Jim Soothill complained to neighbours that the travellers would soon be breaking into houses and stealing pet dogs unless people were exceptionally vigilant. Adding that womenfolk wouldn’t be safe from unwanted attention either.

“I expect the locals will be locking their doors and windows tonight,” the travellers spokesman added. “Not to mention their dogs and their daughters. It’s all a bit of a nonsense really, and quite hypocritical considering that the locals continually vote for an MP and a council who rob them blind on a daily basis. Believe me, we’ll be leaving ASAP before the locals mob up on us bearing flaming torches and set us all on fire. Like in that Frankenstein film.”

Cafe Spike approached Jim Soothill for further comment but he was otherwise engaged in handing out portions of home made lardy cake and igniting petrol soaked torches with a World War II issue Zippo lighter.

Reliable sources report that a prominent member of Fareham Borough Council, known locally as The Fat Controller was last seen scrambling aboard his WWII Spitfire fighter in order to undertake low level strafing runs against the invaders.

Locks Heath resident, Hazel Goodyear, 67, a spinster told us:

“I’ll be having an early night tonight. I’ve been warned about rapists on the prowl so I’ll be leaving the bedroom window open just in case.”

More as we get it.

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Iain Duncan Smith – Mwaah ha ha ha ha…

Vlad The Impaler pictured recently at a cannibal barbecue.

Vlad The Impaler pictured recently at a cannibal barbecue.

Those who think Iain Duncan Smith’s resignation from the DWP means he’s gone for good need to think in terms of horror movies where the bad guy – seemingly dead – gets up and continues his reign of terror with even greater ferocity than before. They’re dead but they won’t lie down.

As for resigning on a point of principle – sadistic psychopaths rarely – if ever – have a sudden attack of guilt following a concerted five year rampage, so we aren’t buying that at all. It’s political grandstanding and IDS has clearly thrown his cap in with Boris and the Brexit brigade, instantly transforming from demon to morally upright martyr; at least in the eyes of the terminally stupid and Daily Express readers.

Celebrating IDS’s resignation seems somewhat premature. He’ll be back, more evil than ever, like Michael Myers, Freddie Krueger and the Terminator.

In fact IDS will probably pop out of a Whitechapel alley in the dead of night tonight, wearing a long black cape and a top hat, brandishing a large knife ruthlessly murdering and mutilating innocent passers by.

A chap’s got to keep his hand in, don’t you know.

Martin Shuttlecock

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The Enfield Haunting Poltergeist Review

What a load of rubbish!

What a load of rubbish!

Ted Pemberton reviews The Enfield Haunting off the telly in his own unique style.

I didn’t want to watch this at all, because I didn’t believe in ghosts and poltergeists or any of that gubbins, but it was in my contract or something so I had no choice in the matter. Now I’m glad that I did, and I’ve become a firm believer.

The Enfield Haunting is the absolutely true story of a malevolent entity which manifested itself in the manner of a poltergeist in an ordinary house in an ordinary street in Enfield back in the 1970s when people wore baggy pants and drove around in Ford Capris with Marc Bolan blasting out of the 8 track stereo. Anyway, back in the old days the story was in all the papers and even on the telly quite a bit, probably because there were only three channels back then and they were usually all shite with fuck all on, a bit like today really, except now we have hundreds of channels with bugger all on.

On a positive note, The Enfield Haunting has Barry the dopey Brummie out of Auf Wiedersehen Pet in it, although sadly not Oz or Wayne who couldn’t really have been in it anyway because he’s dead in real life. Not Oz – Wayne. Oz is alive and probably dancing around the toon of a freyder neet in his crocodile shoes. Unless he’s gone to Memphis again to meet up with the ghost of Elvis at Graceland like the bloke in that song who walked about in Memphis for a bit. But not Wayne because like I said, in real life he’s dead. And he couldn’t have been the poltergeist because he didn’t die until afterwards. In real life.

Anyway, to cut a long story short – these two young girls get poltergismed by this evil spirit thing and it’s doing their mum and dad’s heads in, so Barry turns up in an E Type Jag to sort things out because he’s in some sort of psychical research society. (Not Barry, the bloke in real life who he’s playing, who is also dead in real life like Wayne, but not like Oz who isn’t dead at all in real life. At least not that we’re aware of.)

When Barry can’t cope he gets some bloke called Giles in to help him out. Giles knows lots about hauntings and stuff because he wrote a book about it, but in this case he’s not much cop at all really so they call a psychic medium in and she talks in somebody else’s voice and some stuff moves about the room a bit and it’s absolutely terrifying. When this doesn’t work, one of the girls starts talking in a croaky voice which freaks everybody out, so they put her in hospital where she falls out of bed at least once.

In the end it turns out that the ghost thing is the spirit of an old bloke who popped his clogs in the house in the armchair and he’s a bit pissed off about stuff in general. This is confirmed when Barry goes to see the bloke’s son, who’s played by Spider out of Coronation Street and who confirms that the old man was a grumpy old git who didn’t particularly get along with people.

And then it all ends and everybody gets back to normal, or something like it. I’d have liked to have done a better, more detailed review of this, but it’s almost three hours long and I’d drank nearly a full bottle of whisky so my memory is a little bit fuzzy, but as I was stumbling up the stairs to bed, having switched the telly off and the lights out, some poltergeist presence tripped me up on the stairs and I crashed down face first and really hurt my hooter. Put the willies right up me did that.

So now I’m a believer, like the Monkees.

 

Ted Pemberton

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Shocking Doggy Murder At Crufts

Wrong Dog Breed You Idiot!

Wrong Dog Breed You Idiot!

Shocking news coming into the office today regarding a doggy murder at Crufts, the world famous dog show. It seems that an Irish Setter from Belgium named Jagger, who came second in his class on Thursday collapsed and died shortly after returning to Belgium. According to sources an autopsy revealed the presence of poisoned beef cubes in the dog’s digestive tract.

Has the world gone stark raving bonkers? Our resident literary critic Ted Pemberton certainly thinks so.

“It’s bad enough with ISIS running amok in the middle east and that lot in Africa doing their best to emulate them without some silly sod poisoning a dog. What’s the point? We’ve got people relying on food banks, we’ve got people sleeping in the streets, we’ve got people starving all over the world and somebody poisons a dog? That’s just mental. I thought the kind of people who went to Crufts were dog lovers, not dog poisoners. I’m genuinely surprised they’ve got nothing better to do. If you ask me the person responsible for this should be strung up by the ankles and battered to death with a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire. And I’d be quite happy to do it, I can tell you that for nothing. I’m just wondering if UKIP will put a stop to all this nonsense. Killing cute doggies – it’s disgusting.”

Quite.

More as we get it.

Reporter – Paddy Berzinski

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Mr Mercedes by Stephen King – Reviewed By Ted Pemberton

A picture of a picture of a proper book

A picture of a picture of a proper book

It’s amazing what a man can achieve without really putting any effort into it. After all, I got this job as a book and film reviewer here on Café Spike and I hardly ever read books, or watch films. When I was asked to review Mr Mercedes I just responded in the usual manner. With a shrug and a chuckle, but the boss man insisted that on this occasion I was going to have to bite the bullet and read the damned book in order to earn my corn.

But I argued, as one does. I pointed out that Stephen King has a net worth of a squillion dollars or more and that he hardly needs an endorsement from a two-bob rag like Café Spike in order to up his media profile, or increase his book sales. In any case, I sincerely doubt that our dozen or so hard core readers would have any noticeable effect on the Maine man’s bank balance even if they all rushed out and bought ten copies each of the hardback version.

“Listen to me, you drunken old fool,” my Editor snarled as he took me by the throat in an almost vice-like grip. “Café Spike is down on the bones of its arse. It’s failing spectacularly. And you aren’t helping at all. You WILL read this sodding book and you WILL write a review or I WILL KILL YOU.”

Which quite frankly I thought was a bit strong, and I would have said so in no uncertain terms had the Editor not virtually crushed my trachea.

“We can get ourselves out of this mess in several ways,” the swine said, once he’d stopped manhandling my throat. “We can rip-off other humour sites, we can cop other people’s original styles and churn out reams of crap, or we can revert to click-bait.”

“Click-bait?” I croaked.

“It means using trending key words or famous names in deliberately misleading headlines, hoping people click on our rubbish and hang around for longer than three seconds before hitting the back-button. It’s old school internet cajolery. Read the book and write the review. Now. I want your copy on my desk by Monday morning.”

The Trouble With Books

Without being disrespectful to Mr King or his legions of fans I just don’t like books. Paper brings me out in a rash, so I make a point of reading as little as is humanly possible. Which can be a tad problematic for a literary reviewer. But I had my orders. I also had a problem. How does one write a book review without actually shelling out cash for a copy and reading the damned thing from cover to cover?

GIYF – Google is your friend.

A quick internet search turned up an audio version of Mr Mercedes – perfect! Just like listening to the radio! So I retired to my bedroom with the laptop and laid down, making myself comfortable and closing my eyes as the narrator started to tell his tale.

It didn’t work.

I got to the part at the beginning where people were lining up overnight in the cold and damp waiting for a job fair to open the following morning – and then I dozed off.

I tried several times but the result was always the same. About three minutes in I dozed off. This tactic obviously wasn’t going to work. The narrator’s voice was way too soothing. I kept waking up to bits of the story where I had no idea whatsoever about what was going on.

Luckily, a lady acquaintance down the pub had the ideal solution…

This Kindle’s On Fire

It's exactly what it says on the tin, but not really in flames

It’s exactly what it says on the tin, but not really in flames

So I took myself off down the local leccy appliance shop and bought a Kindle Fire. Then I set up an Amazon account and bought Mr Mercedes online. It was amazing! To this day I have no idea how Stephen King manages to type out a whole novel and send it out in a minute or so, ready to read. It takes me three days to write a ten line email.

And guess what? I loved the Kindle Fire, and I actually read the entire book in double-quick time.

It was a thoroughly enjoyable read too – told in the usual amicable camp fire style of a master storyteller who knows his audience intimately, and who understands exactly what that audience expects.

Mr Mercedes – The Review

Mr Mercedes is an extremely enjoyable book which I romped through at breakneck speed, but I don’t want to spoil it for anybody who may be considering reading it.

Suffice to say, it’s about a nasty piece of work who does something horrible with a Mercedes and a retired detective and his chums who set out to nail Mr Mercedes.

There’s even a bit of romance in it and lots of carefully crafted suspense leading up to a thrilling climax.

I’d highly recommend it.

The only problem I had was that the tight fisted bastard at Café Spike refused to reimburse me for the Kindle Fire HD.

Ted Pemberton reporting for Café Spike

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Priest Shits Pants In Scary Halloween Exorcism Ritual

An Exorcism As Seen On Café Spike's Telly

An Exorcism As Seen On Café Spike’s Telly

Father Nick Christmas, a Roman Catholic priest, of St Dustbin’s in Todmorden, West Yorkshire was recovering quietly at home today after shitting his pants assisting a colleague in an exorcism.

Father Christmas had expressed doubts about the ritual, going on the record to describe it as “a dirty, dangerous business.”

Which it turned out to be, as Christmas flooded his pants with a vile smelling mess at a crucial juncture in the ritual. [Read more…]

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Re-animator Concedes Defeat

Asda Version Of Frankenstein's Monster As It Appeared On Our Telly

Asda Version Of Frankenstein’s Monster As It Appeared On Our Telly

Famous re-animation expert and bon vivant Doctor Victor Frankenstein today conceded defeat in his bid to cobble together a body from several body parts and bring it back to life using lightning and chemicals.

“It didn’t really work out,” Frankenstein admitted, quaffing a brandy in a bar by the River Thames in London this lunchtime. [Read more…]

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Top Ten Must See Movies For A Spine Chilling Halloween

Michael Myers Of Haddonfield Illinois Loves Halloween

Michael Myers Of Haddonfield, Illinois Loves Halloween – Here He Is On Café Spike’s Telly

Okay, so it’s October 31st, Halloween, or the season of the witch as it was once described in the title of a really crappy movie that nobody in their right mind would ever want to watch on Halloween. So what do you do for a spooktastic televisual Halloween fright fest?

First off, you need a decent TV with a good sound system, and a Blu Ray player really helps. Beer is essential – if you haven’t got a beer supply to hand then steal some. [Read more…]

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Bedtime Story: Silent Night – Inner City (Part Two)

Part One is directly below.

They were like shadows. Very dark shadows.

But although I was scared, something inside me kept reminding me that these sinister figures were no bigger than your average ten year old kid. Sure, they were a little unnerving – but could they do me harm? Individually I doubted it, but if they swarmed me, maybe they could. It became imperative that I take the initiative. I had to become the aggressor. That type of behaviour doesn’t usually occur naturally to me. [Read more…]

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