Our Farewell Note To David Cameron – Piss Off!

Pig botherer quits. Loser.

Pig botherer quits. Loser.

We doubt that porky porker Cameron will ever read this, but just in case you do stumble across this article, our message to you is – Piss off!

Goodbye and bollocking good riddance to the worst Prime Minister this country has ever had. We hope you’re fucking proud of your legacy Dave – austerity, mounting debt, ripping the arse out of the NHS, kicking the crap out of the sick and vulnerable, food banks, Brexit, tax breaks for your rich pals, zero action on corporate tax evasion, cuts to public services that even horrified your mother, and of course not forgetting the allegation that you plonked your prick in a porker’s mouth.

We just have one question to ask you, as you sit counting your offshore based millions after leaving our nation neck deep in shit as a result of your egomaniacal folly – can you take drooling Gideon Osborne and that murdering bastard Iain Duncan Smith with you?

We don’t usually do rants, but if we did they’d probably be a bit like this one.

Piss off ya prick!!!

Love you not,

Cafe Spike dot com.


Welfare Reform Dramatically Improved My Life – Says Dead Man

Police issued a picture of a possible suspect today.

Police issued a picture of a possible suspect today.

Speaking through the channel of an accredited Spiritualist a dead man today claimed that welfare reforms had dramatically changed his life for the better. The 58 year old who collapsed and died an extremely undignified and public death on the grubby floor of a British factory whilst working shifts for the ‘living wage’ in an intensely stressful environment had nothing but praise for the government’s radical welfare reform programme.

“I had heart trouble,” the man revealed. “It was so bad that I could barely manage a single flight of stairs without having to stop and sit down for a rest. I felt completely useless to be honest. It got to a point where I couldn’t walk more than a few steps without feeling dizzy and nauseous, living in constant fear of losing my balance and falling under a bus or cracking my head on something sharp and suffering some kind of terrible brain trauma.

“I felt like my life was finished and that I’d become a burden to my family and society as a whole.

“Then I was invited to attend a Fitness For Work Assessment and it changed my life in the most positive way possible. I was judged to be fit for work by a fat cunt with his arm in a cast who basically ignored everything I said, but who dramatically improved my life by asserting that I was 100% fit and able to work and subsequently cut my Employment Support Allowance by £30 a week and told me to get off my lazy arse and contribute something to society, which at the time I thought was a bit of a liberty coming from a government funded prick who earned more in an hour being a twat than I could earn on the living wage in a month, but in the end the fat wanker was absolutely correct.

“It changed my life for the better, giving me the confidence to apply for various positions, including Head Goalkeeping Coach at Sunderland FC and sparring partner for Floyd Mayweather in Las Vegas.

“Suffice to say that I didn’t get any of the more glamorous posts that I applied for, but after being sanctioned by the DWP and forced to rely on food banks for basic sustenance I got offered a job in a factory on a production line where you had to have the hand speed of Muhammad Ali in order to make a go of it, whilst being berated by a fat bastard of a supervisor who just stood around shouting at people and watching them struggle whilst making no attempt whatsoever to assist.

“On my third day I wasn’t feeling too well but I went in to work regardless. Seeing as the DWP had declared me fit and healthy enough to work I mistakenly believed I’d be okay.

“Then we had a bit of a pile up on the line where I couldn’t quite keep up, but I did my best because anything is better than being at the mercy of the psychopathic DWP and this bastard of a government, but I keeled over. I hit the floor like a sack of shit and lay there helpless, twitching in my death throes as my workmates went into panic mode.

“I’d have loved to have spent my final minutes on this earth telling my nearest and dearest that I loved them unconditionally, but I drew my last breath on that shitty factory floor surrounded by strangers, and I was grateful to the DWP for making my life better. At least I was in work.

“And the employment agency who employed me offered discounted trauma counselling to my fellow employees, which really made my day as I watched from the firmament above.

“Thanks to the DWP I at least died with dignity. I’d rather that than to pop my clogs on the sofa eating macaroni cheese and watching Judge Rinder.

“It was all for the best really. I just hope my co-workers weren’t too traumatised watching me thrash about in agony and spit my dentures out as I shuffled off this mortal coil. I’m not bitter. Just very, very dead.”

(This article is dedicated to Iain Duncan Smith, the Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) ATOS assessors and that poor dead pig whose head suffered a fate worse than death even after death.)

*With all due respect to Judge Rinder.



Iain Duncan Smith – Mwaah ha ha ha ha…

Vlad The Impaler pictured recently at a cannibal barbecue.

Vlad The Impaler pictured recently at a cannibal barbecue.

Those who think Iain Duncan Smith’s resignation from the DWP means he’s gone for good need to think in terms of horror movies where the bad guy – seemingly dead – gets up and continues his reign of terror with even greater ferocity than before. They’re dead but they won’t lie down.

As for resigning on a point of principle – sadistic psychopaths rarely – if ever – have a sudden attack of guilt following a concerted five year rampage, so we aren’t buying that at all. It’s political grandstanding and IDS has clearly thrown his cap in with Boris and the Brexit brigade, instantly transforming from demon to morally upright martyr; at least in the eyes of the terminally stupid and Daily Express readers.

Celebrating IDS’s resignation seems somewhat premature. He’ll be back, more evil than ever, like Michael Myers, Freddie Krueger and the Terminator.

In fact IDS will probably pop out of a Whitechapel alley in the dead of night tonight, wearing a long black cape and a top hat, brandishing a large knife ruthlessly murdering and mutilating innocent passers by.

A chap’s got to keep his hand in, don’t you know.

Martin Shuttlecock


Iain Duncan Smith accused of being a pr*ck by everybody

If it looks like a cunt, talks like a cunt, acts like a cunt then it's probably a cunt.

If it looks like a cunt, talks like a cunt, acts like a cunt then it’s probably a cunt.

(Definitely not safe for work, under 18s or anyone of a nervous disposition.)

Everybody in Britain appeared to be united this evening as it was universally accepted that DWP head Iain Duncan Smith is indeed a pr*ck of the highest order.

Duncan Smith has attracted his fair share of controversy since taking charge of the Department for Work and Pensions, for applauding the widespread use of food banks in order to cut government expense, the ridiculous sanctioning of out of work benefit claimants for the flimsiest of reasons, ATOS assessments which declared thousands of people fit for work shortly before they died, and lying and attempting to whitewash and cover up the statistics that prove beyond any shadow of a doubt that he really is a pr*ck.

And we haven’t even started on his fake CV, his bullsh*t qualifications or the fact that that he has the mentality of a psychopathic sh*t-eating dung beetle.

“I’d go further than that,” Cafe Spike Editor Martin Shuttlecock told me. “I wouldn’t call him a pr*ck – I’d call him an out and out utter and complete c**t. I’m not as young as I used to be but I’d love to smack his f*cking face around in a boxing ring for a few rounds. The baldy headed, shark faced, f*ck-witted c*nt.”

It seems even David Cameron also thinks Iain Duncan Smith is a pr*ck, as the c*nt came out in favour of a Brexit in defiance of his leader. Who only gave him the DWP job in the first place because shovelling s*it is too good for the hateful pr*ck who just about everybody would never tire of kicking seven shades of sh*t out of.

The f*cking bullsh*tting, benefit cheating, a*se licking, bowling ball headed, psychopathic nut job glob of vag*nal discharge has never been the flavour of the month in our office.

And never will be. Quite frankly we hope he dies an agonising death soon. Or something. The pr*ck.

Paddy Berzinski.


Cameron Stitched Up Like A Kipper As Boris Backs Brexit

Hey Up Lads - The Daggers Are Out

Hey Up Lads – The Daggers Are Out

With Boris Johnson and Iain Duncan Smith electing to go against the Prime Minister by backing a Brexit from the European Union, the question arises: Is this really all about Europe or is it another Conservative power play?

Even among his own hardcore supporters David Cameron is widely regarded as the worst Prime Minister in history, so it’s ironic that two of his high profile political “allies” are taking advantage of the opportunity to do to him what he allegedly did to that pig’s head.

It’s hard to sympathise with the fat faced idiot, so we aren’t even going to try. We’re just going to sit back and enjoy the fireworks as these jumped-up public school buffoons self-destruct and their sadistic party descends into chaos and farce. What’s annoying about this is that the people governing us are so self-absorbed and egotistical that they’re actually hijacking the single most important test of public opinion in decades – the great EU debate, in order to play their stupid games.

That fact alone speaks volumes about our so-called leaders.

Were it not so important it would be hysterically funny.

On the one hand we have an abject failure of a Prime Minister and his equally odious failed Chancellor advising us to remain in the EU, whilst on the other hand you have a failed Minister for Work and Pensions who has mercilessly pummelled the sick and the disadvantaged pairing up with the political caricature that is Boris “Born In The USA” Johnson. (Apologies to the Springsteen chap.)

And that’s before we even get to the comedy circus that sees the alliance of Nigel Farage and George Galloway.

“Infamy! Infamy! They’ve all got it in for me!” – The Carry On film line seems to sum up Cameron’s predicament perfectly.

We can only hope that every bastard one of them pushes the self destruct button, thus allowing somebody to gain power who actually knows what they’re doing.

Martin Shuttlecock for Cafe Spike. (We have a Facebook page but not many people like us. We don’t mind – we just do what we do.)