99% Of Express Readers Don’t Get That They’re Idiots

I ain't fick!

I ain’t fick!

In a shock poll conducted by Cafe Spike it has emerged that 99% of Daily Express readers refuse to accept that they are idiots, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

“The fact that I believe every conspiracy theory out there and that I’m incredibly gullible and stupid doesn’t make me an idiot,” claimed one outraged Express reader. “Although I must admit I did feel a bit of a twat after panic buying two thousand tins of vegetable soup and a catapult after the Express weather reporter told us about the impending ice age, but nobody can predict the weather. Ergo I am not an idiot. End of.”

“Just because I’d stop at nothing to get my country back doesn’t make me an idiot,” said 89 year old UKIP member George Slaughter. “Anyone who doesn’t agree with me should be tortured and shot in the head. My next door neighbour’s grandad didn’t fight in two world wars so that we can be governed by EU Nazis. We’re perfectly capable of our own final solution thank you very much.”

“I’m not gay but I’d perform oral sex on Nigel Farage for all he’s done to deliver our country from the yoke of Nazi oppression,” said an Express reader who calls himself “inlovewithdemocracy” in the comments section of the DE. “And furthermore I’d have anyone who isn’t a white Christian interned in labour camps, although I’m not sure about gas chambers…there must be a more economical way of conducting mass genocide than gassing and cremation.”

“I HAVEN’T A CLUE WHAT THE HELL I’M TALKING ABOUT AT THE BEST OF TIMES,” said DE commenter CAPSLOCK. “BUT WE SHOULD KILL EVERYBODY WHO DOESN’T AGREE WITH ME – ESPECIALLY THE DARKIES AND THE QUEERS.”

All of which kind of says something or other.

Although we haven’t got a clue what that might be.

Martin Shuttlecock.

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Daily Express Readers SLAM and BLAST Government Plans For Correct English

UKIP's Lord Mustard Pants of Thanet seen checking the UKIP bank balance last week.

UKIP’s Lord Mustard Pants of Thanet seen checking the UKIP bank balance last week.

Government plans to ensure that every UK resident should have an acceptable command of the English language, initially aimed at Islamic women has provoked an unexpected response from the most unlikely of sources – Daily Express readers.

“I can’t believe they’re investing £20 million in teaching Muslim economic migrants to speak and write decent English,” one FURIOUSLY OUTRAGED reader BLASTED and SLAMMED.What about us indigenous historic Britons who can’t talk or write English proper? They won’t pay us nothing to learn our own language but they don’t mind throwing money at the migrant scum. They’re all traitorous slags. Only Lord Nigel Mustard Pants of Thanet is qualified to run this country and as such he should be installed immediately in Downing Street. He’s the only patriot we have left. And he’d put the indigenous British population above the scrounging scum invading our country and destroying our traditional way of life so that WE can learn proper English too. Vote UKIP! VOTE OUT OF THE CORRUPT EU NOW!”

Although we weren’t quite sure where the irate Kipper was going with his BLASTING and SLAMMING, it’s our view that everyone should be entitled to a voice in the modern world and in the media, so there you go.

An independent analyst from the Department Of Inanity, a government think tank, told us:

“It’s common knowledge that Daily Express readers tend to have a poor command of both written and spoken English, although they’ve had a lifetime to learn it and experience exposure to it every day. For some reason, the comments on the DE’s online articles expose how crap most of them are at their native language. Most of them don’t seem to be able to even cast a critical eye over the dubious content of the articles they read on the DE website let alone post a coherent comment. If it’s racist in any way they lap it up like hungry kittens, yet they tell others to ignore mainstream media outlets. Our analysis revealed that they’re almost as illiterate as the wankers who post on the Britain First Facebook page. And that’s really saying something.”

When we spoke to a UKIP spokesman we were assured that: “Nigel Farage can do joined up writing, and that he’s currently working on the correct use of the apostrophe.”

Reg Bond for Cafe Spike

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