What Will A Brexit Vote Actually Give Us?

It's a gamble - however you look at it.

It’s a gamble – however you look at it.

With less than 48 hours to go to the referendum the vast majority of the British public appear to be uncertain regarding what will happen given either possible scenario, so here at Cafe Spike we’ve done a bit of research and in this, the first of a two part report we’ll reveal exactly what a Brexit vote will result in, and its effect on the man in the street. (Or woman – we aren’t sexist.)

Here at Cafe Spike we’ll tell the Brexit Brigade exactly what they want to hear. And here’s what we’re hearing (from Brexit voters) we’ll get:

*Control of our borders. (By building a sea between us and the rest of Europe and leaving it to it.)

*Stop immigration. (ALL immigration – the Aussie points system idea is just bullshit.)

*Get rid of everybody – especially the Eastern Europeans, the Muslims, and anyone with a tan who doesn’t holiday in Cornwall.

*Stop all benefits. (Apart from pensions and care home subsidies.)

*Put homeless people in camps.

*Put a stop to refugees. (Especially Muslims.)

*Close all holiday camps just in case.

*Ban tent sales. (Just in case.)

*Award knighthoods to Nigel Farage, Nick Griffin and Paul Nuttall.

*Make our own trade deals with rest of the English speaking world. (Especially China, India and the Commonwealth – if they’ll have us.)

*Bring back Love Thy Neighbour on the telly.

*Elevate Boris Johnson to Divine status.

*Award Iain Duncan Smith the Nobel Peace Price for his sterling work with the sick and the disabled.

*Bring back white dog shit.

*Make everybody rich.

*Have a World Cup where England win to regenerate interest in football.

*Deport all the Muslims.

*Turn all the mosques into lap-dancing clubs.

*Re-instate fish and chips as the nation’s favourite meal.

*Unlimited free online porn.

*Shoot all the leftist socialists.

*Bring back hanging. (Because we like hangings.)

*A return to good, commonsense Nazi values.

*Free Viagra.

*Immediate and mandatory execution of anyone refusing to toe the party line.

*Bring back Robinson’s Barley Water to the Wimbledon tennis championships.

*Scrap the NHS and focus on holistic medicine. (Unless you can afford to pay for such nonsense as life saving surgery etc.)

*Force the Express, the Mail and the Torygraph to stop censoring comments from sociopathic nutters in the interests of free speech.

*Burn every book ever written.

*Trash all museums and smash all the exhibits because life only begins on June 23rd 2016 in our hysterical nation.

*Think of another group to focus your righteous indignation on. (Maybe the Jews, or the Jehovah’s witnesses – or better still, the Irish, Scottish and the Welsh.)

*Fill the seas around the UK up with imported fish in order to replenish dwindling fish stocks. (so that we can fuck it all up again by overfishing.)

*Free everything. (Apart from beer and fags which will incur a nominal charge but be much cheaper than they are now.)

*The right to bear arms and go on high school and gay club killing sprees unfettered by red tape.

*Straight bananas, really powerful hoovers and proper British passports.

*The absolute right to eat bacon sandwiches at will.

** Based on the views of the absolute fucking idiots who comment on the websites of the Express, the Mail, the Scum and the Torygraph. (With particular emphasis on the Express.)

***Brought to you by Cafe Spike in the spirit of togetherness.

Paddy Berzinski


Britain to ban cats in order to appease migrants

What you lookin' at fool?

What you lookin’ at fool?

Parliament is said to be about to pass emergency legislation banning all cats – no matter how cute or annoying – in order to appease Muslim migrants, according to a Westminster insider.

“The migrants can’t be doing with cats,” the insider told us. “So it just makes sense that cats have to go. Cats are a nuisance anyway, doing their business in people’s plant pots and killing birds all the time. Just think of it as positive cultural enrichment.”

But not everyone was easily swayed.

“There’s more to this than meets the eye,” cat lover Tabby Tortoiseshell said. “There’s something sinister going on here for sure. Does nobody find it a little strange that among the hundreds of thousands of migrants flooding Europe not a single one appears to have a cat? Surely that in itself is a statistical impossibility? I reckon it’s a government conspiracy, probably orchestrated by that Duncan Smith wanker – he hates disabled people with a vengeance so it makes perfect sense for him to support a cat ban.”

But it isn’t all bad news, even if it does turn out to be true.

“I think a cat ban is a great idea,” said Roland Mighty, CEO of the Rats And Mice Protection League. “It’s the best news we’ve had for ages. It’ll be one less thing for our rodent cousins to be afraid of. Rats and mice disappear all the time but nobody puts ‘Lost’ posters on lamp-posts for them.”

Ted Pemberton


Katie Hopkins To Join UKIP

Controversial Katie

Controversial Katie

Even we were taken aback by the claims – made by Burnley market trader Jim Grimshaw last night – implying that Britain’s most hated woman has pledged her allegiance to UKIP in the upcoming General Election.

Hopkins – a Sun columnist – who has attracted an avalanche of utter contempt across all media for her outrageous social media comments and inane scribblings in the press, is said to be considering not only giving her support to UKIP but also in getting directly involved in the day to day running of the party.

“Think about it,” Grimshaw told Café Spike. “She hates immigrants, she’s rich, she’s posh and she once got shagged by some bloke in a field on camera. She’s ideal for UKIP. It’s a match made in heaven. When she suggested that she’d like to see refugees machine-gunned in the Med I immediately thought of Nigel Farage and UKIP. They go together like peaches and cream.”

When pressed, Grimshaw couldn’t actually provide any evidence in support of his controversial claim, but he did tap the side of his nose with his index finger and gave us a crafty, knowing wink.

We tried to contact Katie Hopkins for a reaction but as none of our people know her phone number or have any idea where she lives there was no response.

We did manage to contact a UKIP supporter – who insisted on anonymity – and she told us:

“This story is blatant nonsense. There is no way that UKIP would in any way, shape or form consider forming any kind of allegiance with that utterly contemptible, malodorous and toxic excuse for a human being. Christ, we may be UKIP and to be honest we could do with some high profile media support but even we wouldn’t sink that low. I hope she gets struck by lightning or something to be honest, but that’s only my opinion and not necessarily that of Nigel or the party.”

Luke Jaywalker