Inauguration was “massive” insists Mayor Barry Slade

Crowds pictured en route to the abbey.

Crowds pictured en route to the abbey.

The mayor of Titchfield today announced that Friday’s inauguration ceremony at the abbey was, “massive, yugely attended, and the biggest and best ever.”

Despite eye-witness and photographic evidence which clearly show only eleven attendees (five of whom were intending to visit the neighbouring garden centre but took a wrong turn) Mayor Slade warned reporters (including us) not to look at the evidence, but to trust him, because he was there.

“I know what I saw,” Mayor Slade fumed. “I saw a lot of people, many people, a crowd going back as far as I could see – all the way down past the Fisherman’s Rest to Titchfield Mill. To suggest that only eleven people turned up for the inauguration is ridiculous. All those people, that crowd, all that clapping and cheering, I’ll never forget that. I know what I saw and I’m telling you that I’m absolutely correct, and the press is wrong. Very wrong. So very, very wrong. On every level. Just wrong.

“And I’ll tell you something else – my crowd was way bigger than the last Mayor’s. A lot bigger. Multiple times bigger. And it would have been bigger still if not for the road works on the A27 by Fareham station and the fact that they held the meat raffle two days early in that pub in Portchester.

“You’re all pathetic and fake anyway and I hate you all.”

More as we get it.

Paddy Berzinski

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Titchfield Mayoral inauguration branded a flop

Mayor Barry Slade - defiant in the face of adversity.

Mayor Barry Slade – defiant in the face of adversity.

Officials have officially stated that the disappointing figures for Friday’s mayoral inauguration ceremony in the grounds of the abbey were ‘disappointing, to say the least,’ while newly sworn in Mayor, Barry Slade decried the claims by declaring the event a ‘resounding success which sent a message out to the world, the whole world, all of it, oh yes.’

Despite hiring 100 seats for the event, officials announced that only 11 had actually shown up, of which five were garden centre customers who had taken a wrong turn.

Mayor Slade blamed the dismal turnout on ‘adverse conditions and women,’ claiming that tailbacks on the M62 had caused problems and that many visitors became distracted by the allure of a farmers’ market just up the road in Fareham, adding that women didn’t help the situation because ‘they always want their own way.’

“It was bladdy big load of shit innit,” said burger van entrepreneur Ali Bullo. “They tell me six hundred coming so I pay thirty pound for license, come with hundred burger, I sell not one. Is bladdy rip-off and big waste of time. Nobody come, nobody buy burger, Tommy Cooper impersonator – him not come. Is all a bladdy big con innit …”

Mayor Slade dismissed his critics by saying they just couldn’t get along with his anti-everything stance.

“Seems obvious to me that in this village the women wear the pants,” he said. “Women should stop talking and trying to interfere with business and get busy in the bedroom and the kitchen because they aren’t good for much else. If you ask me they have too much influence, way too much influence. The guys of Titchfield need to grow a pair, that’s right, grow a pair, a big pair, a yuge pair, and put their foot down with a firm hand before we become a nation of pussies. Pussies…yes…”

More as we get it.

Paddy Berzinski

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Titchfield Mayor Elect – Inauguration show line up

Titchfield residents are said to be excited by the inauguration show.

Titchfield residents are said to be excited by the inauguration show.

Newly elected Titchfield Mayor, Barry Slade has finally announced the line up ahead of his inauguration in the grounds of Titchfield Abbey tomorrow. (Weather permitting.) [Read more…]

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