Fake News Websites aren’t doing the damage – it’s the ‘real’ ones

Express reporter about to sharpen his quill pen.

Express reporter about to sharpen his quill pen.

The proposal that fake news websites should be shut down, or shut out by social media outlets because they may or may not have exerted an undue influence over real life political issues and voting outcomes, one can’t help but wonder what goes on in the befuddled heads of our so-called leaders. [Read more…]

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Man Who Bathed In Baked Beans gets hardly any views on You Tube

Mr Glanville pictured last month in training.

Mr Glanville pictured last month in training.

A Clacton man who planned to break the internet with a viral You Tube video of himself plunging into a bathtub filled with baked beans has been left shaken and disillusioned following a lacklustre response from internet users.

“I thought it was a cracking idea,” said Terry Glanville, 36. “I really thought it would go viral and get me a sponsorship deal to do bonkers things on You Tube but it’s only had about 23 views so far. It seems only my family are interested in my crazy antics. Obviously I got it wrong so I’m going to have a rethink. It’s either that or I’ll have to get off my arse and get a proper job.”

Industry experts appeared to agree that taking a bath in baked beans isn’t likely to break the internet because it’s so last century.

“Bathing in baked beans is no big deal,” Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University said today. “It’s quite tame really. I mean, only last week there was a bloke who had a bath in hot chilli sauce, a bloke riding a bike off a cliff, some woman getting her arm ripped off by a bear and even a bloke in a wing suit who crashed and died in real time on Facebook.Taking a bath in baked beans is quite tame really – unless the beans are piping hot, or set on fire or something.”

“How about if I pour a bucket of freezing cold water over my head?” Mr Glanville suggested.

“We’ll be in touch…” said Professor Mist, shaking his head.

More as we get it.

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Concerns Raised Over Kim Kardashian’s Arse

Kim Kardashian's arse pictured yesterday.

Kim Kardashian’s arse pictured yesterday.

Concerned citizens in the Western world have been raising concerns over Kim Kardashian’s arse after it failed to appear in global media for two days running.

“This is most disconcerting indeed,” Dublin housewife Agnes Brown wrote on Facebook. “I’ve been through the Mail online with a fine tooth comb and there’s been no mention of Kim’s arse for at least two days. It just isn’t fecking good enough. I can’t possibly function on a day to day basis unless I’m kept fully informed as to what Kim’s arse is up to.”

To date, Kim Kardashian’s arse is the only arse in history to have broken the internet twice. It’s an arse that has earned its rightful place in history books as the only arse you can stand eight pints of Guinness on, and the arse that inspired tens of thousands of women to have their buttocks artificially inflated with gallons of whale blubber.

“In order to gain a glimmer of understanding about the universe, the cosmos and the planet we live on it’s vital that we be made aware of the status of Kim Kardashian’s arse,” said Professor Stephen Hawking in a somewhat robotic voice. “We need to know that Kim’s arse is in robust health and functioning properly, as opposed to being blocked up, violated or even having the screaming shits. It’s vital for the future of humanity that we be kept informed.”

Cafe Spike approached Kim Kardashian’s arse for comment and it responded with a fart. Somewhat surprisingly it smelt like shit and not Chanel No 9

Ted Pemberton

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Man who got the internet now scared of everything

Aaaaaarrrggghh!

Aaaaaarrrggghh!

A 59 year old Falklands veteran who never used to be afraid of anything has revealed that he is now scared to set foot outside his front door since he connected to the internet.

Ex-Welsh Guardsman Crispin Evans said that he’s now scared of migrants, Muslims, giant rats, false widow spiders, drunken hooligans, rapists, muggers, chuggers, the government, flying saucers, the New World Order, fast food, carbohydrates, bacon, Alzheimers, base jumpers, free climbers, zit squeezers, celebrities, the NHS, Jeremy Corbyn, Ant and Dec, Creationists, Simon Cowell, the Kardashians, sex maniacs, vicious dogs and low flying drones.

“I never used to be scared of anything,” Mr Evans said. “I was always pretty fearless but since I got the internet I’m petrified of just about everything. Still, I suppose it pays to keep abreast of developments. I never realised I was in mortal danger every day of my life, so from now on I’ll be stopping indoors and getting my shopping delivered. If I really have to go out I’ll take taxis everywhere, door to door. You can’t be too careful these days.”

We tried to contact comedians Lee Mack and Tim Vine out of Not Going Out for comment but they were both out, but not out-out like that cheeky Cockney comedian Micky Flanagan who hasn’t been seen for a fortnight and whose wife told us to tell him to phone home if we managed to contact him because his tea’s going cold.

Paddy Berzinski

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Shitting Dog Clip Goes Viral

Sack The Photo Editor - They Aren't Dogs

Sack The Photo Editor – They Aren’t Dogs

When Mary Anne Copperkettle went out for a stroll in her local park a few days ago, she had no idea that a mongrel dog struggling to achieve a successful bowel evacuation on a patch of grass would be the key to her future. Fortunately for Mary Anne she had her phone with her, allowing her to record the momentous event for posterity. She subsequently uploaded the footage to You Tube and was astonished when it went viral, amassing over three million views within the first hour of it being made publically available.

“I didn’t think anything of it at first,” she told our reporter. “It was just a manky old dog scratching at some grass. It wasn’t even cute looking, but the way it was scratching at the grass and turning around in circles somehow caught my attention, so I got my phone out and started filming it.”

The ensuing footage, which lasts for a few seconds less than three minutes quickly captured global attention.

“It wasn’t until the dog dropped into a squat and started straining its neck that I realised I might be onto a good thing,” Mary Anne said. “Then when its tongue started lolling about and it started shaking I realised that I had something special.”

With ‘special’ being the operative word. The clip goes on to show the dog turning in wild circles, shaking and thrutching and wiping its arse on the grass, with its neck muscles straining fit to burst before it leaves a sizably proportioned if somewhat steamy deposit on the yellowed grass. As the clip winds up, the dog’s relief is almost palpable.

“I think that’s why the clip took off,” Mary Anne said. “I mean, it’s something that we can all relate to; that build up of tension, the mounting suspense, the climactic circling and then the release, and the subsequent aura of blessed relief. To me it was hugely symbolic of the human condition, a bit like having sex with somebody you’ve fancied for years, the fulfilment of a fantastic dream. I think it strikes a chord deep down in most people. Either those who have successfully consummated a relationship with a distant lover, or those who’ve managed a huge shite following days of constipated frustration.”

Sadly, the aftermath of the event – a council employee shovelling the shit up and dumping it on a flower bed – was not captured on record, which according to Oxbridge scholar and turd historian Brian Stool is a tragedy of Shakespearean proportions.

“It’s a missed opportunity,” Stool said. “This steaming heap of dog shit encapsulated the entirety of the human experience, and now it is lost for all eternity. We start off with shit, live a shitty life, and then we complete the cycle by turning back into shit. It’s all a bit shit really and would be a complete waste of time were it not for the fact the end product nourishes the roses, thus propagating life and experience, as well as looking and smelling quite nice. Which is more than the shit ever did.”

A profound summation indeed – although frankly we could make neither head nor tail of it.

What never ceases to amaze us is how seemingly innocuous events can lead to stunning new horizons, and that’s a fact when it comes to Mary Anne Copperkettle. Within days Mary Anne’s crapping dog clip was generating significant advertising revenue, with TV companies and the press taking up the story in what has developed into a thriving franchise, and the money is absolutely rolling in.

“I’ve been offered a six figure sum to write a book,” Mary Anne told us. “And the major movie studios are already fighting over the rights. The title of the book is: ‘How A Shitting Dog Changed My Life.’ It’s part autobiographical and part self-help manual. Isn’t that great?”

It certainly is. And all because a dog decided to have a shit at the perfect moment in time.

Reporters: Cox & Shuttlecock.

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Martin Shuttlecock – Surfing The Net For Porn

An alluring pretend lady of the night made out of plaster pictured last year.

An alluring pretend lady of the night made out of plaster pictured last year.

Failing satirist, buffoon of long standing, idiot, pariah, awful cook, bad husband, and beer guzzling, chain smoking idiot, Martin Shuttlecock, today embarked upon a lunatic quest intended to promote failing comedy website www.cafespike.com

By hitting the lowest common denominator…and surfing the net for porn.

Here, he explains the illogicality of his quest:

“I needed the hits. So porn seemed the logical option. Everybody likes a bit of porn now and again, unless you’re a Caramelesque nun or something…”

Shuttlecock then went on to explain how he surfed the net for top quality porn in the interests of reaping in a gazillion hits on his favourite website, and thus restoring his much maligned reputation as a humourist of the lowest order…but only when his long suffering wife had retired for the night.

“I couldn’t have done this with her looking over my shoulder,” he confided. “She’d go fucking mental and probably hit me over the head with a cast iron skillet. Or something.”

Armed only with a hand written list of dodgy porn sites, which his workmate, Dave, had scribbled on the back of a works scrap sheet, Shuttlecock set about his task in the early hours of this morning.

“I had to pluck up a bit of Dutch courage before setting out on my mission,” he explained. “Luckily there were a couple of cold ones in the fridge. I downed the first one in double-quick time, and then poured out the second, ready, should I need it.”

Shuttlecock steeled himself, preparing for the worst, (Because his mate, Dave, is a man of dubious tastes.) and then logged on to his laptop. He went on to peruse 20 internet porn sites in quick succession.

Here’s what he found:

1 – Some bloke smoking a pipe and talking Italian. Wearing a sombrero. Having a J Arthur. Yuck!

2 – A panoramic shot of the Ventura Freeway in Los Angeles. Starring some cars and some fairly hectic smog.

3 – Some fat bloke kissing a blonde girl’s arse. In 1979.

4 – A blonde American woman with unnaturally large and curiously shaped breasts, straddling a pommel horse, shouting her head off, rolling her head around and swearing a lot.

5 – A brunette, licking her painted lips, panting something or other in French and sucking on a fag. Smoking ban, no surprise, looking at this.

6 – Some callow youth, peeping through a window. At night time. A bit like a stalker. Out of the Police’s ‘Every Breath You Take.’

7 – That looks really uncomfortable…they’re gonna be aching all over the shop in the morning.

8 – Is that a? Oh dear…oh deary me…that’s just wrong on every level.

9 – Some people in a bar…talking German. Interesting, this one, there’s a dating ad on the side for my local area with some fat bird in glasses who looks suspiciously like that woman who works up the shops.

10 – Oh my God! That must be fake.

11 – That looks painful…

12 – Some bird kissing some bloke’s hairy arse. Put me off me beer that has. Right proper.

13 – A blonde girl wearing a cowboy outfit riding a horse, but a window on the side asking me if I want to talk dirty…as if…Maybe it’s one of them internet trolls.

14 – Not sure about this one. Looks like a dozen octopuses tentacle wrestling. Very confusing. And slimy.

15 – Some French girl in a maid’s outfit serving dinner to a baldy bloke with a badly fitting syrup. Wonder why she’s crawling under the table? Baldy bloke probably dropped his fork. Not sure now whether he’s smiling or in agony. V strange.

16 – I’d never have believed a grown man would want to do such a thing with a live chicken. That’s SICK.

17 – Ah, a vampire. Hang on…I thought he was supposed to bite the girl’s neck!

18 – Prison. A man’s prison. Someone taking a shower…ooh err! Not keen on that one. I’m not homophobic or anything, but I could have done without that. Thankyou very much!

19 – A cartoon! It’s the Simpsons! By the bloody left! I never realised Ned Flanders had it in him! Homer will go mental if he ever finds out what Marje has been up to!

20 – Hang on! That’s me Nan! Cut! Turn the bastard thing off!

Shuttlecock sums up:

“This porn lark’s all well and good if you like that sort of thing. But it’s all a bit samey, and repetitive. Like Status Quo, or watching Arsenal in the eighties. Or writing the same book a hundred times over and just changing the names. All in all, I think porn’s a bit pointless. Like watching the Food Channel when you’re hungry and the cupboard is bare.”

More as we get it.

*You can follow Café Spike on Facebook if you like. Frankly we could do with the support.

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Cafe Spike Academy Opens Its Doors With Lifesaving Online Internet Survival Course

I Bet He Votes UKIP

I Bet He Votes UKIP

Here at Café Spike we’re always into turning a fast buck, and being as opportunistic and exploitative as we are, we’ve launched The Café Spike Academy – an unaccredited institution designed to strip you of your money in the most painless way possible. The Café Spike Academy is a non-profit organisation founded by Martin Shuttlecock and philanthropically tailored in order to help you get the most out of your life whilst keeping us supplied with things like beer, pies, mushy peas, gravy and black pudding.

In other words – it’s a win/win situation.

You win, and we win. (Except we probably make more out of it than you do. Or ever will.)

FAQ’s

So, what’s on offer?

Not much yet, to be honest. But we have launched our very first online subscription course:- How To Survive The Internet Without Making A Right Tool Of Yourself.

Is that it? What does it involve? And how much does it cost?

Now look here – we aren’t trying to impress anybody. We’re offering a service in return for a modest fee. Our Internet Survival course will teach you all you need to know about not making a complete tit of yourself online. The cost is minimal – as little as £59.99 per month. (Minimum 18 month contract with a buy out option which will probably become legally binding as soon as we no longer have a direct debit mandate. T&C’s mean absolutely nothing to us.)

So, what’s included in the package?

Here’s our brochure:

The Café Spike Academy

How To Survive The Internet Without Making A Right Tool Of Yourself

Ever made a proper buffoon of yourself by posting an outraged comment on an internet forum at a time when you’ve felt so angry that you’ve bitten half of your knuckles off? Before regretting it in the cold harsh light of day with a stinking hangover? Ever posted some inane, badly constructed drug induced comment on Facebook or Twitter? And then thought: “My God – I hope nobody who knows me has actually read that. Especially my boss at work…”?

We can help.

We’ve discovered that by using transcendental meditation, yoga, and banging your head into a wall for a bit before posting impulsive comments can be a life saver.

We will teach you:

The difference between they’re, there, and their.

The difference between country, countries and country’s.

How to use a spellchecker.

The difference between our and are.

How to post in lower case letters, and the reason why nobody actually reads things posted in shouty upper case letters with a plethora of misplaced apostrophes.

Apostrophes – how to use them in the correct context.

How to resist typing “VOTE UKIP YOU GNAW IT MAKE’S SENCE!!!”

We will also teach you about TROLLS.

A Troll Pictured Lurking In Some Shadows In Black And White

A Troll Pictured Lurking In Some Shadows In Black And White

TROLLS are cheeky people who don’t believe in God and often side with the Devil by being his advocate. TROLLS are like EVIL SPIRITS if you believe everything you read online. We’ll teach you how to ignore them as opposed to smashing all your furniture up in frustration.

The Café Spike Academy will provide one-to-one online tuition to all our subscribers at all times.*

*Providing we aren’t down the pub or having a kip or something.

The Café Spike Academy will provide a shoulder to cry on when you’re at your wits end, and advise you if you’re probably plagiarising established publications or journalistic signature stylisation.

All this and probably a lot less from only £59.99 per month, with the odd newsletter thrown in when we can be arsed.

*3D Interactive Service dependent on broadband availability and/or a supplementary £30.00 per month. (subject to gullibility)

That sounds great! Where do I sign my life away?

Send us a message and we’ll be on the case.

*Priority bookings can be accommodated for a one-off sweetener payment of £750

*Forthcoming attractions and courses from The Café Spike Academy: Stand-Up Comedy Performing For The Painfully Shy, and How To Avoid UKIP.

More details as we get them.

Possibly.

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