Britain Faces Big Bacon Crisis As Danes Ban Exports In Brexit Backlash

Enjoy while you still can. By next week it'll be history. The Classic Full English.

Enjoy while you still can. By next week it’ll be history. The Classic Full English.

Whilst it was inevitable that there would be a backlash from Europe over Britain’s decision to leave the EU, nobody stopped to consider that the classic ‘Full English Breakfast’ might be the first move in a war of attrition as Denmark slapped a ban on all exports of bacon to the UK. In a shock move, the Danish Food and Agriculture Minister announced in Copenhagen today that with immediate effect, all exports of bacon and allied products to the UK will be suspended.

“The British have been doing a lot of fighting talk of late,” Peppa Schnitzel told the Danish parliament. “They’ve called us all many bad things, so we will not only be saving our bacon, we’ll be keeping it. They are not having any more from us. It serves the selfish pigs right. A Full English cannot possibly be a Full English without bacon.”

Industry experts here in the UK say that the Danish move will have a devastating effect on national morale, even though Ireland – our second major bacon provider hasn’t announced a similar retaliatory move. Yet…

Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University responded that the Danish bacon blockade will result in the price of a single rasher of smoked back or streaky bacon to rise to £9.00 as things stand.

“In reality it’ll mean the price of a bacon sandwich purchased in a cafe or at a food van will go up to around £40,” Professor Mist said. “And if the Irish adopt a similar tactic then bacon will become completely unaffordable, even if you can get your hands on a black market supply. It’ll be more expensive than saffron. It’s all quite tragic really.”

We'll never see the like again.

We’ll never see the like again.

Soon to be ex-Prime Minister David Cameron is said to be “gutted” by the news – being a huge lover of all things pork and bacon related – but insisted it isn’t his fault.

“Let me be perfectly clear on this,” he said. “It isn’t my fault. I asked the public to vote remain but they didn’t. Everybody hates me now.”

More as it comes in.

Martin Shuttlecock