1,000 Daily Express Readers To Fight Islamic State

IS pictured recently on a chilly day quaking in their boots.

IS pictured recently on a chilly day quaking in their boots.

As a direct response to the latest horrific footage released by Islamic State, a patriotic group of around 1,000 Daily Express readers are reported to be combat ready and en route to meet Islamic State in full on battle, in the killing fields of Iraq and Syria.

“They’ve gone too far this time,” said Express reader Graviton. “What’s needed is a furious response to these outrages, and they can be assured that I personally will make full use of my experiences gained over 45 years as a chartered accountant in order to orchestrate their downfall.”

The mercenary group of Daily Express readers come from all walks of life, and they’re said to be raring to go to take the fight to the enemy.

“I’m sick and tired of what Islamic State are doing,” proud Britain First supporter Cyril Greenford said. “It’s time to say enough is enough. They’ve got no right being here in the first place. Benefit scroungers one and all, every man-jack of ’em. Once we’ve killed ’em all there’ll be more benefit money in the pot for me and my fourteen kids by different baby mothers. I’m prepared to put my life on the line if it means more benefits for my family, and I’ll be able to afford better quality crack as a result.”

Morbidly obese farmer’s son Geoffrey Giles from Gloucestershire is also making plans to fight Islamic State.

“Them Muslims are taking our country over, and they have to be stopped,” he said. “Coming over here and taking over our chippies. Well I’m not going down without a fight I can tell you. As soon as my mobility scooter is charged up I’ll be right there on the front line.”

“I’ve been warming up for weeks,” Express reader Godfrey Jones told us. “My knuckles are as hard as tempered steel with the constant gnawing. I can’t wait to get over there and give them a full payload of unrestrained invective in bold italics. That’ll sort ’em.”

More as we get it.

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Britain First Reject ISIS Alliance Offer

A spokesman claiming to represent right wing extremist group Britain First today claimed that BF had rejected offers of eternal kinship from the Islamic State. In a carefully prepared statement, the alleged ‘spokesman’ told anyone who’d listen as he shouted from a bullhorn in London’s Trafalgar Square:

“Britain First was approached via an email in the early hours of Wednesday requesting that we ought to align with the Islamic State in a gesture of global brotherhood.

“Britain First totally reject any such overture. We have nothing in common with ISIS. All they seem to want is to establish a state based on their own ideology, with complete disregard for anyone who disagrees with their extreme viewpoints. They are prepared to perpetrate extreme violence, sectarianism, forcing women to make the tea – and that is distinctly not what Britain First is all about. We don’t go around telling people what to do, and chopping their heads off if they disagree with us. At least – not just yet. And anyway – they’re foreigners. We are working in the interests of our fellow patriots in rejecting these overtures – next thing is they’ll be coming over here stealing our benefits and taking council houses off deserving British drug addicts, and we’re not having that.”

The alleged spokesman repeated the statement several times to a crowd of bewildered Japanese tourists, until a pigeon shat on his head and he beat a hasty retreat towards the Strand whilst shouting a stream of colourful expletives.

More as we get it.

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