The Paris Massacre and despicable political point scoring

Charlie Hebdo peace demo - Paris 2015

Charlie Hebdo peace demo – Paris 2015

The terrible sequence of events in Paris on Friday 13th have rightfully been covered to saturation point, and for the most part have been covered responsibly and impartially. This isn’t the appropriate time for knee-jerk reactions and it certainly isn’t the time for people of any political stripe to attempt to make cheap capital out of an appalling tragedy. Nor is it the time for certain celebrity obsessed media luvvies to overdose on their own senses of self righteous indignation in order to sell newspapers.

We don’t need to go into specifics, we don’t need to name and shame. The bandwagon jumpers are there for all to see, and they ought to be ashamed of themselves. All the finger pointing and posturing won’t bring those poor victims back. Any reasonable human being regards such behaviour as cheap and nasty.

Show some respect and back off with the one-upmanship bullshit. At times such as this people should be standing together and condemning the murderers and all they stand for. And while we’re at it we should also consider that similar horrors are played out every day somewhere on this great big blue marble we call Earth. Our outrage is spurred by proximity and familiarity; Paris is only a relatively short train journey away, bringing the realisation that it could have been us.

By all means support Paris and condemn the murderous fanatics who perpetrated this outrage, but do so for the simple reason that you’re a human being. Not only does cheap political point scoring serve no purpose – it disrespects the memories of the victims who had their lives so cruelly snatched away from them under the most appalling circumstances.

Ted Pemberton.


It’s Squeaky Bum Time For US Satire Site As ISIS Roll Into Texas

Sad Tired World's EIC Burgess Butthole - Shitting Bricks Today

Sad Tired World’s EIC Burgess Butthole – Shitting Bricks Today

A little known group of writers (we can’t really call them satirists) who contribute to an online ‘satirical’ publication which bills itself as, “one of the most interesting and funny sites on the web, with thousands of articles from a conservative slant” are reported to be shitting themselves today following the revelation that ISIS have claimed responsibility for a foiled attack on an extremist meeting in Garland, Texas, which left two perpetrators dead and a security guard injured.

The ‘writers’ involved have a long history of stoking anti-Islamic sentiment, and of repeatedly insulting the Prophet, going back years to the days when they were banned from other websites after dogmatically refusing to refrain from peddling their twisted brand of hate and bigotry, and stamping their feet like a kid throwing a tantrum when they couldn’t get their own way.

Eventually the small group of societal misfits went on to form their own website, which continues to spew out racist, sexist, homophobic and anti-Islamic material, but according to some cyber experts the attack in Garland has “put the willies right up ’em.”

Cafe Spike’s very own Martin Shuttlecock has had a number of run-ins with these people. Here’s what he had to say.

“These guys seemed okay at first,” he said. “Writing dumb late-middle-aged sexual fantasies about young celebrities, but then a darker, more sinister aspect began to rear its ugly head. They started ganging up on other contributors and launching outright hate and smear campaigns against anyone who had the temerity to oppose their extreme political stance – which was slightly to the right of the KKK.

“It all started to go wrong for them when they flew into a collective hissy-fit when one publisher declined to accept a story inciting ‘Piss On A Mosque Day’ and despite some good advice from other writers they were pretty insulting towards the publisher, to the point where they were banned from the site.

“I told them myself that if a UK based publisher had published that article he or she would be leaving themselves open to criminal charges and possibly even imprisonment. Their response to that was that the publisher was a weak, insecure chickenshit. Which of course he wasn’t – he merely conducted himself like a responsible adult.

“They then moved on to a website based in India which had no publishing restrictions and between them pretty much destroyed it, to the point where it no longer has an online presence.

“So they started up their own site, and to be quite frank it’s pure dreck. All it consists of is a series of vicious rants and nasty insults hurled at the President, the Democrats, anyone who disagrees with them, and… erm…myself and a few other people.

“They were just too daft to make arseholes out of really, and about as funny as getting yourself skinned alive by a psycho wielding a potato peeler. We just ignored them.

“What made me think of them today was the attack on the cartoon contest in Garner, which ISIS claimed responsibility for. These goons who’ve been publishing their hate crap for some time now seemed to think that Islamic extremism was fair game for them, because that sort of stuff only happens on the other side of the world. Now it’s happened in Texas, and could happen anywhere in the USA or around the world, they’ll be shitting themselves. They’re just a bunch of clapped out old fart keyboard warriors with more bluster than is good for them.

“It’ll be interesting to see how brave and outspoken they are today. My money says they’ll be huddled in their Mommas’ basements adjusting the straps on their tin-foil helmets.”

*Cafe Spike does not endorse hate-filled material of any description, but we do like frank and open discussion and the odd spot of blatant piss-taking.

**And remember kids – never be afraid to prod an idiot with a pointed stick.

Paddy Berzinski


1,000 Daily Express Readers To Fight Islamic State

IS pictured recently on a chilly day quaking in their boots.

IS pictured recently on a chilly day quaking in their boots.

As a direct response to the latest horrific footage released by Islamic State, a patriotic group of around 1,000 Daily Express readers are reported to be combat ready and en route to meet Islamic State in full on battle, in the killing fields of Iraq and Syria.

“They’ve gone too far this time,” said Express reader Graviton. “What’s needed is a furious response to these outrages, and they can be assured that I personally will make full use of my experiences gained over 45 years as a chartered accountant in order to orchestrate their downfall.”

The mercenary group of Daily Express readers come from all walks of life, and they’re said to be raring to go to take the fight to the enemy.

“I’m sick and tired of what Islamic State are doing,” proud Britain First supporter Cyril Greenford said. “It’s time to say enough is enough. They’ve got no right being here in the first place. Benefit scroungers one and all, every man-jack of ’em. Once we’ve killed ’em all there’ll be more benefit money in the pot for me and my fourteen kids by different baby mothers. I’m prepared to put my life on the line if it means more benefits for my family, and I’ll be able to afford better quality crack as a result.”

Morbidly obese farmer’s son Geoffrey Giles from Gloucestershire is also making plans to fight Islamic State.

“Them Muslims are taking our country over, and they have to be stopped,” he said. “Coming over here and taking over our chippies. Well I’m not going down without a fight I can tell you. As soon as my mobility scooter is charged up I’ll be right there on the front line.”

“I’ve been warming up for weeks,” Express reader Godfrey Jones told us. “My knuckles are as hard as tempered steel with the constant gnawing. I can’t wait to get over there and give them a full payload of unrestrained invective in bold italics. That’ll sort ’em.”

More as we get it.


EDL Invade Newcastle Christening Looking For ISIS

A disappointed EDL member, pictured slinging his hook.

A disappointed EDL member, pictured slinging his hook.

Newcastle couple John and Samantha Osbourne had an unwelcome surprise at the Christening of their baby daughter Iris, at St Botolph’s church in the city, when proceedings were interrupted by an unscheduled invasion by members of the North-East branch of the EDL.

Family, friends and the presiding vicar could only look on in slack jawed amazement as the group of ten men swept into the church chanting anti-Taliban slogans and demanding to know where ISIS were because they fancied having a fight with the Jihadist group.

“It was a lovely ceremony until all these fat blokes in flat caps stormed in and started shouting, wanting a fight,” Samantha told us. “When they told John that they’d heard ISIS were appearing at the church and that they’d come for a fight – you could have knocked us down with a feather. I told them, we’ve got an Iris here, but no ISIS that we were aware of, but they were having none of it.”

“I tried to explain to them that there must be some mistake but they wouldn’t budge,” the Rev Timothy Allsop said later. “They started chanting like a crowd of football hooligans, called me a Marxist lefty and quite clearly stated that they weren’t going anywhere until they’d given ISIS a good bashing. Eventually we had to call the police.”

“The worst of it was that they upset the bairn,” Samantha said. “She’d been as good as good as gold until these pot-bellied morons stormed in spouting their rubbish. After the police removed them she cried her little head off throughout the rest of the ceremony. These people are just middle aged overweight idiots with a serious brain cell deficit.”

A spokesman for Northumberland police confirmed that officers had been called to an incident at St Botolph’s church, and that an undisclosed number of trespassers had been removed from the premises, adding that the EDL members had acted upon information received which subsequently turned out to be flawed.

This isn’t the first incidence of failed intelligence related to the North-East branch of the EDL. Recently they invaded a book club meeting in the area in the hope of giving media personality Russell Brand a fair slapping, although the author was nowhere near the city at the time.

A senior EDL spokesman refused to condemn the North-East branch, claiming that their enthusiasm was admirable, if somewhat misguided.

“We’ve had a few communication breakdowns with the North-East branch recently,” the spokesman stated. “But in fairness they’re as keen as mustard. The problem appears to be that only one of them can read, a six year old who’s quite bright for his age although apparently not too hot on comprehension. Our focus is on improving the branch’s performance and our understanding is that a thirteen year old has applied for the job of Senior Intelligence Officer. He’s in remedial reading classes at the moment but that shouldn’t be a bar to joining the EDL. We welcome members of all stripes – providing they’re English and a bit thick.”

Reporter: Eddie Mackum


2 Million March For Peace, Freedom Of Speech And Harmony In Paris – Nigel Farage Goes Down The Pub (Allegedly)

Where's Nigel?

Where’s Nigel?

Following the horrendous terrorist attacks in Paris last week, some 2 million people took to the streets of Paris in protest, including an array of European and world political figures in a display of unity and defiance. Many carried ‘I am Charlie’ placards in reference to the slaughter at the offices of French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo, yet strangely, UKIP leader and Member of the European Parliament Nigel Farage was nowhere to be seen.

According to our source – a bloke up the shops who hangs around on a bench all day, but who is usually reliable – Nigel, the ‘people’s politician’ couldn’t be arsed with all that nonsense and probably went down the pub for a sneck lifter.’

Nobody knows quite why Nigel chose not to attend the protest march, but one renowned political analyst posited the theory that the UKIP leader was battling demons related to his abstinence from the drink since the New Year.

“You’d have expected Nigel to be giving it large for maximum publicity and proper milking it over there in Paris,” the renowned political analyst – who requested to remain anonymous – told us. “But for some reason, that didn’t happen. I can only assume that he’s been missing the drink something terrible – because he likes a pint or nine does our Nigel – and he’s succumbed to his demons and finally buggered off down the Dog And Duck.”

The bloke up the shops who tipped us off about this blockbuster story was reluctant to come out and openly say that Nigel had submitted in his battle with the drink.

Nigel - On The Drink With One Of His Mongy Mates Last Year

Nigel – On The Drink With One Of His Mongy Mates Last Year

“I never said he was supping pints,” our source declared. “I just said that I reckon he went down the pub with his mates. Probably to watch the Arsenal match on Sky. Don’t put words in my mouth – for all I know he could have been supping Diet Coke as he cheered the Arse on. He probably wasn’t – he was probably getting the drink down his neck like a champion, but I’m not allowed to say that. I’d get crucified by Daily Mail readers.”

In the final analysis, we can’t explain Nigel Farage’s conspicuous absence from the Paris march, and we aren’t altogether sure whether he’s embroiled in a battle with the drink or not, and we can’t explain his silence on the matter, although it’s probably fair to say that he is a bit fonder of the drink than of our European kin and he’s probably not all that keen on free speech either. In short: We haven’t got a clue.

What we do have a clue about though, is the overwhelming outpouring of support from the good citizens of Paris – citizens of every race, creed and colour, who took to the streets yesterday to denounce terrorism and defend at all costs the right to free speech, so that the likes of us can publish our drivel, safe in the knowledge that if some gun toting nutter storms our office and shoots us all up to shit that at the very least we hold a firm grip on the moral high ground.

Paris – We salute you!

The Café Spike Team.


Britain First Reject ISIS Alliance Offer

A spokesman claiming to represent right wing extremist group Britain First today claimed that BF had rejected offers of eternal kinship from the Islamic State. In a carefully prepared statement, the alleged ‘spokesman’ told anyone who’d listen as he shouted from a bullhorn in London’s Trafalgar Square:

“Britain First was approached via an email in the early hours of Wednesday requesting that we ought to align with the Islamic State in a gesture of global brotherhood.

“Britain First totally reject any such overture. We have nothing in common with ISIS. All they seem to want is to establish a state based on their own ideology, with complete disregard for anyone who disagrees with their extreme viewpoints. They are prepared to perpetrate extreme violence, sectarianism, forcing women to make the tea – and that is distinctly not what Britain First is all about. We don’t go around telling people what to do, and chopping their heads off if they disagree with us. At least – not just yet. And anyway – they’re foreigners. We are working in the interests of our fellow patriots in rejecting these overtures – next thing is they’ll be coming over here stealing our benefits and taking council houses off deserving British drug addicts, and we’re not having that.”

The alleged spokesman repeated the statement several times to a crowd of bewildered Japanese tourists, until a pigeon shat on his head and he beat a hasty retreat towards the Strand whilst shouting a stream of colourful expletives.

More as we get it.