What Will A Brexit Vote Actually Give Us?

It's a gamble - however you look at it.

It’s a gamble – however you look at it.

With less than 48 hours to go to the referendum the vast majority of the British public appear to be uncertain regarding what will happen given either possible scenario, so here at Cafe Spike we’ve done a bit of research and in this, the first of a two part report we’ll reveal exactly what a Brexit vote will result in, and its effect on the man in the street. (Or woman – we aren’t sexist.)

Here at Cafe Spike we’ll tell the Brexit Brigade exactly what they want to hear. And here’s what we’re hearing (from Brexit voters) we’ll get:

*Control of our borders. (By building a sea between us and the rest of Europe and leaving it to it.)

*Stop immigration. (ALL immigration – the Aussie points system idea is just bullshit.)

*Get rid of everybody – especially the Eastern Europeans, the Muslims, and anyone with a tan who doesn’t holiday in Cornwall.

*Stop all benefits. (Apart from pensions and care home subsidies.)

*Put homeless people in camps.

*Put a stop to refugees. (Especially Muslims.)

*Close all holiday camps just in case.

*Ban tent sales. (Just in case.)

*Award knighthoods to Nigel Farage, Nick Griffin and Paul Nuttall.

*Make our own trade deals with rest of the English speaking world. (Especially China, India and the Commonwealth – if they’ll have us.)

*Bring back Love Thy Neighbour on the telly.

*Elevate Boris Johnson to Divine status.

*Award Iain Duncan Smith the Nobel Peace Price for his sterling work with the sick and the disabled.

*Bring back white dog shit.

*Make everybody rich.

*Have a World Cup where England win to regenerate interest in football.

*Deport all the Muslims.

*Turn all the mosques into lap-dancing clubs.

*Re-instate fish and chips as the nation’s favourite meal.

*Unlimited free online porn.

*Shoot all the leftist socialists.

*Bring back hanging. (Because we like hangings.)

*A return to good, commonsense Nazi values.

*Free Viagra.

*Immediate and mandatory execution of anyone refusing to toe the party line.

*Bring back Robinson’s Barley Water to the Wimbledon tennis championships.

*Scrap the NHS and focus on holistic medicine. (Unless you can afford to pay for such nonsense as life saving surgery etc.)

*Force the Express, the Mail and the Torygraph to stop censoring comments from sociopathic nutters in the interests of free speech.

*Burn every book ever written.

*Trash all museums and smash all the exhibits because life only begins on June 23rd 2016 in our hysterical nation.

*Think of another group to focus your righteous indignation on. (Maybe the Jews, or the Jehovah’s witnesses – or better still, the Irish, Scottish and the Welsh.)

*Fill the seas around the UK up with imported fish in order to replenish dwindling fish stocks. (so that we can fuck it all up again by overfishing.)

*Free everything. (Apart from beer and fags which will incur a nominal charge but be much cheaper than they are now.)

*The right to bear arms and go on high school and gay club killing sprees unfettered by red tape.

*Straight bananas, really powerful hoovers and proper British passports.

*The absolute right to eat bacon sandwiches at will.

** Based on the views of the absolute fucking idiots who comment on the websites of the Express, the Mail, the Scum and the Torygraph. (With particular emphasis on the Express.)

***Brought to you by Cafe Spike in the spirit of togetherness.

Paddy Berzinski


Daily Express reader not sure about Black Friday

Is it a Muslim festival or something?

Is it a Muslim festival or something?

It’s that time of year again – Black Friday – when the stores have big sales which involve the punters kicking seven shades of crap out of each other and risking life and limb in order to pick up a cheap flatscreen TV they don’t actually need or a games console that they’ll hardly ever use. That’s if they’re lucky. The unlucky ones get a good hiding, and nothing to show for it other than possibly a festive tin of Quality Street or a damaged advent calendar.

Black Friday is yet another American marketing ploy which we’ve latched onto here, but what does the average patriotic Brit really make of it all? We asked a Daily Express reader, who didn’t seem quite sure what to think.

“I’m not sure what to make of it,” Baz admitted. “Nigel hasn’t said anything about it so I simply don’t know what I should be thinking. Is it something to do with the New World Order? Will closing the borders and kicking all the foreigners out sort it? Is it a Muslim thing?”

At which point we informed the DE reader that it’s more of a marketing ploy, a way of trying to get the public to splash out over the festive season.

“So it’s part of the Coudenhove-Kalergi plan then?” the DE reader gasped. “A conspiracy by the lefty cultural Marxists to eradicate the historical indigenous British people in order to Islamify and put concrete and mosques all over Britain?”

We reiterated that Black Friday really doesn’t have anything to do with black people, race issues, religion, or anything really, other than to get people spending.

Get off it!

Get off it!

“I’m not sure,” Baz said as he mulled it over. “But what we should really do is either get out rioting in the streets or give it our full support. I can’t really say until Nigel tells me what to think.”

When our reporter laughed in disbelief Baz threatened to pass our details on to an extreme right wing racist group who would be round to sort us out.

Which was all a bit worrying really – considering Baz was wearing a German WWII helmet, a Nazi armband and sporting two extra large poppies.

Ted Pemberton


600,000 Britain First March In Burton On Trent

And The Crowds Roared At The BF Rally In The Back Room Of A Pub Somewhere

And The Crowds Roared At The BF Rally In The Back Room Of A Pub Somewhere

The extreme right political party Britain First were yesterday celebrating a decisive victory in its bid to take our country back, when an estimated 600,000 flag bearing marchers took to the streets of Burton On Trent in Staffordshire protesting the proposed opening of a mosque in the town. According to a Britain First spokesperson BF supporters flocked from all corners of the UK in support of their anti-Islamic message.

“It was a fantastic turn out today,” announced a fat bloke with a megaphone. “Our officials lost count of the numbers at the 600,000 mark when the batteries failed on our Knights Templar calculator. It’s great news for Britain First, and what’s more it means I won’t have to resort to flogging cheap tat out of a suitcase like Del Boy out of Only Fools And Horses. We do it all online these days.”

“It sent a shiver down my spine seeing so many flag-waving patriotic Brits in one place at one time,” said a man drinking Special Brew straight from the can. who identified himself as Wellard Harry from Brentwood, Essex. “I reckon they’ve underestimated the attendance in the official figures. If you ask me it was nearer to a million.”

The march started out from a car park in the town and went largely unnoticed as the throng was escorted by the police through some back streets to another car park where a Britain First speaker got hysterical over something or other and the crowd lapped it up.

However, the wife of a serving Staffordshire police officer had a slightly different view. “My old man hates pulling duty like this ‘event,'” she told us. “He says it’s basically just babysitting a bunch of idiots with nothing better to do, wasting public money and police time and resources that could have been better utilised elsewhere. The bottom line is that these people are a bunch of deluded arseholes with nothing better to do. And there weren’t 600,000 there at all. Somebody somewhere is telling porkies.”

Local resident Steve Tyhurst who heard about the march but didn’t actually see it told us: “I don’t get what they’re about, unless it’s just to do with getting donations off stupid people. If they want to fight they should join the army. Although the army probably wouldn’t have them because they’re too old, too fat, and they’d probably fail the entry level intelligence test.”

A local councillor who asked that his name be withheld told us: “They’re claiming 600,000 attended? Definitely not. When they wave flags it gives the impression from a distance that there’s a lot more of them, which is a bit of a con really. There certainly wasn’t that number on show. In fact I think I can safely say that you could have rounded them up and got them on a single decker bus. They do have a tendency to exaggerate.”

Were you there? Can you read? Drop us a line.

Paddy Berzinski


Mass Online Hysteria Erupts Over Fictional Bacon Ban



It all kicked off big time on the Daily Express website’s comments section yesterday when the DE published a ‘story’ stating that bacon sarnies, butties or whatever you care to call them may or may not be banned in case they upset Muslim sensibilities. The story, such as it was contained a suggestion from somebody or other at Goldsmith University  that reheating bacon sandwiches, sausage rolls and generally any kind of pork product in workplace microwaves could be offensive to those of the Muslim and Jewish faiths.

Note the word ‘could’ because could is an entirely different word to ‘does.’ The DE ‘story in question seemed plausible – given the occasional bouts of communal insanity to which humanity is occasionally prone – although when any sane person considers the evidence based on real life experience, it’s highly improbable. Yet it didn’t seem to stop dozens of paranoid UKIP supporters from getting a bit hot under the collar and venting their collective “UKIP are not a racist party” spleens over some mythical ‘law’ which literally appeared to induce mad cow disease into their little hearts. Bless ’em all.

It didn’t take long for it all to go completely mad, with people expressing their fury about the Muslim invasion, the erosion of British culture, the end of life as we know it and Armageddon in an almighty shrapnel blast of knotted bacon rind.

I don't believe it!

I don’t believe it!

I read the story myself, and as I appear to be quite popular among Express online readers I introduced occasional inane comments suggesting that veganism is king and ‘meat will give you all manner of bad made up illnesses’ into the equation. For this crime against Christianity I was branded a ‘lefty,’ whilst other, slightly more robust commentators declared patriotically that the Muslims are taking over the world and are no doubt determined to enforce Sharia law across the nation. Even in Chipping Norton.

The government were denounced as ‘traitorous,’ which is something of a DE buzzword, and some people even went as far as to say they would eat pork pies and bacon rolls outside mosques as a mark of protest. Humour of any description appeared to be in exceedingly short supply, which led me to write in a frivolous manner that Muslims were correct in not eating pork because pork contains parasitic worms, and that once consumed, the worms move up to the inner ear via the lungs and attack the cochlea, causing possibly permanent deafness. One individual apparently took my idiotic remark at face value, replying that “farm bred pigs don’t have worms.”

When I went on to state even more idiotic ‘facts’ such as microwaves causing blindness and pork being the main cause of brain cancer somebody politely pointed out that more people are killed in car accidents than die eating pork. I must admit, that one kind of threw me. From that point on it got even more insane, so I decided it might be wise to just shut up and let the silly sods get on with it.

The reality is, there is no bacon or pork ban in force according to the law. It’s all a question of personal choice. I think somebody forgot to tell all the furious kippers, so they went about their patriotic duty with gusto, defending God and country by angrily pounding their keyboards and doubtless snorting into their Ovaltine as they vowed to defend the bacon sarnie to the death.

A furious kipper last week girding his loins to prepare for battle.

A furious kipper last week girding his loins to prepare for battle.

Just as I got to thinking things couldn’t possibly get any crazier, a brief look at the Mail Online revealed that Richard Littlejohn – that well respected champion of common sense and straight talking no bullshit journalism – had thrown his pork pie hat into the fray. Somebody must have told him to get up out of his hyperbaric chamber and whip his laptop out pronto because the Express was kicking up a storm with this one. So Littlejohn basically repeated the DE article in some feeble attempt at stirring up a similar shitstorm on the Mail.

As Littlejohn himself has often said, “You couldn’t make it up.”

Which is somewhat ironic given that somewhere down the line somebody obviously did.

Martin Shuttlecock.


Muslims To Blame For Whitby Graves Shortage

Bone storage is a real problem in Whitby

Bone storage is a real problem in Whitby

The shortage of available burial sites in the historic Yorkshire seaside town has been blamed fairly and squarely on Muslims and uncontrolled immigration by many pillars of the indigenous British community. Two years ago the town’s graveyard suffered a severe case of land slippage, resulting in the contents of old graves being unceremoniously deposited in peoples’ gardens. It was a shocking chapter in local history in the town which prides itself on its long standing association with Bram Stoker’s classic vampire novel Dracula.

“I found, to my absolute horror, two skulls, some leg bones and a ribcage by my wheelie bin on that occasion. It’s outrageous,” local resident Steve Arnold remarked in the local paper. “And something needs to be done about it.”

Local officials are reported to be scouring the area in search of a suitable site for a new cemetery, but have so far drawn a blank. Yet according to some sources the blame for the current crisis can be unequivocally blamed on Muslims and Eastern European migrants, but mostly Muslims.

“They take up more cemetery space than native British bodies because they’ve all got to be buried facing Mecca, so neat rows of graves are out,” Essex resident Jayda Golding told us. “They aren’t happy with taking over our country, they want to dominate our graveyards too. It’s a disgrace. You could bury eight British people in a single Muslim grave – that’s the unpalatable truth about this emergency. We can’t even lay our loved ones to rest in peace any more in their own land but we can bury these terrorists on hallowed ground. Next they’ll be flattening Whitby Abbey and building a mega-mosque and start selling halal fish and chips on the quayside. It’s disgusting and we intend to protest this sorry state of affairs in a car park somewhere. The word has already gone out and the motorbike and sidecar has just passed the MOT so you can expect a big turnout.”

Mohammed Akram, a London based Imam said he’d never heard such a load of old nonsense in his life.

“I don’t see how people can blame Islam for landslips and a shortage of graves in Whitby,” he said. “According to the 2011 census there were only 19 Muslims listed as residents out of a total population of over 13,000, and although one or two of them may have expired since then I can’t really see it having a massive impact on the burial situation. As for flattening Whitby Abbey and building a mega-mosque on the site, I think that’s just scaremongering. There wouldn’t be any demand for it. I would imagine somebody’s front room would suffice.”

Vlad the Impaler was unavailable for comment at the time of going to press, and reports that he’s currently residing in a million pound mansion in Mayfair counting his benefit payments have been strongly denied by the Romanian embassy in London.


8 Year Old Given 40 Lashes For Wearing Three Lions Shirt On St George’s Day

England Under Threat

England Under Threat

It should have been a normal school day for 8 year old Tommy Trinder, but things went from being horribly awry on St George’s day for young Tommy, to being life changing – and all because Tommy’s parents sent him to school wearing a ‘three lions’ England football shirt on what was supposed to be a celebration of England’s patron saint.

“It seems that there was a Muslamic teacher there who took exception to our Tommy celebrating St George’s day,” Tommy’s dad, imaginatively also named Tommy explained. “The teacher dragged young Tommy off into the school yard, ripped his three lions shirt off his back and sentenced him to 40 lashes. You don’t expect things like this to happen in Bolton.”

“I wouldn’t have minded so much,” Tommy’s distraught mother, Thomasina added. “But we didn’t even know the teacher was a Muslamicist. We thought the teachers were nuns; it’s that Burka thing. It’s confusing.”

All of which was of no consolation whatsoever to young Tommy, who was lashed 40 times with a hastily constructed cat o’ nine tails, consisting of a rounders bat, some duct tape and nine pieces of cut up Aldi washing line.

“They’d never have got away with this nonsense if Nigel Farage had been in power,” Tommy Senior complained. “I blame the European Union myself.”

Young Tommy was admitted to Bolton General Hospital suffering from what have been described as ‘whiplash injuries’ but is expected to make a full recovery.

We asked Labour councillor, Cyril Fatbloke-Fiddler for a comment but he vehemently denied having seen anything at all, claiming he was busy fiddling his expenses at the time.

Paddy Berzinski


Je Suis Charlie – Nous Sommes Tous Charlie

I am Charlie, we are all Charlie. Never let freedom of speech die.

I am Charlie, we are all Charlie. Never let freedom of speech die.

Je suis Charlie, nous sommes tous Charlie. I am Charlie, we are all Charlie.

I was supposed to carry out some major updates on Café Spike yesterday; suffice to say that as events unfolded in Paris during and after the attack on the offices of satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo, it got pretty hard for me to focus on humour. I didn’t feel it appropriate, out of respect for the victims who were callously murdered for having the temerity to poke fun at a religious Godhead.

Following my initial revulsion I looked at the footage with a slightly more clinical eye. The masked gunmen certainly didn’t appear to be the cowards the far right would have us believe. They acted with well drilled military precision, not dissimilar to a special forces unit or a SWAT team, and to my untrained eye my guess would be that they were wearing body armour, aside from being heavily armed. These guys looked like experienced urban fighters.

Why did they commit this atrocity? Sure, I can understand that they were righteously indignant over Charlie Hebdo’s blasphemous treatment of their spiritual leader, but the crux of the matter remains that 12 people were gunned down because the shooters couldn’t deal with the fact that somebody who didn’t share their beliefs had the audacity to mock them for their extreme fanaticism.

Mockery of the great and the good is something of a European tradition. We all do it, or at least most of us do, and we take it for what it is – poking fun at the pompous and the self-righteous. It’s called satire. Not many people do it well, but those who have perfected their craft do it very well indeed, often striking a nerve or two along the way. The vast majority of us just tend to have a laugh about it and then move on. It’s like a tennis match – you win a point, then you lose one. It’s just a game.

Nobody in their right mind would ever suggest that the Jimmy Carrs, Frankie Boyles or Russell Brands of this world should be murdered because they caused offence to a particular group or individual. Most people see it for what it is – a publicity stunt, or simply a bad error of judgement when men like these cause offence. We cringe inwardly occasionally and then we get on with our lives. It’s the British way, and the European way.

As the day unfolded, so began the arguments, from the guarded; “Charlie Hebdo knew what they were doing and they brought this on themselves” to the outright fanatical; “We should declare war on all Muslims.” My response to both of these reactions in turn would be – no they didn’t – and – no we shouldn’t.

My opinion obviously won’t carry a great deal of clout, and if I’m honest with myself it isn’t the most intellectual analysis, simply my own interpretation of what I see – as an ordinary Joe – going on in the world around me. I wouldn’t dream of condoning or justifying in any way what happened in Paris, but there is one word which sums up most of what I see as being wrong with the world:


Extremists of all stripes, be they right wing, left wing, Christian, Muslim, Governments, the global media, dictators, bankers, industrialists, power brokers, serial killers, paedophiles, – they all share a common and rather despicable human trait; they refuse to countenance any form of compromise, only believing in one way. Their own way. And to a man they are ruthless and ready to kill at the drop of a hat in order to pursue their own warped agendas. Most of us just want to live our lives in peace and freedom, yet the truth is that our freedoms are being chipped away at, and that our little piece of terra firma diminishes a little in size as the clock ticks through the days, weeks, months and years.

It’s been said that satire is the ultimate weapon of the weak against the powerful, but satire is just clever words and pictures – it doesn’t come equipped with body armour and assault rifles.

If the gun really is more powerful than the pen – no matter who is pointing that gun – then we may as well just put down our pens and wave the white flag as we are marched to our respective places of execution, for then the lunatics have not only taken over the asylum – they’ve started the purge.

Martin Shuttlecock. 07/01/2015