Japanese student sucked down creep’s toilet

The offending toilet, which neighbours described as a shit hole.

The offending toilet, which neighbours described as a shit hole.

The mystery disappearance of a female Japanese student has finally been explained by her landlord, who neighbours and fellow tenants described as a ‘creep.’

19 year old Sukira Yamamoto, a student from Yokohama disappeared last year during a Halloween party at her flat in Worthing and despite an intensive international police investigation there were no obvious conclusions to be drawn for seasoned investigators.

Until now.

Ms Yamamoto’s landlord, Christopher Cummings provided the solution when he expounded the theory that Ms Yamamoto had been sucked down the toilet by “a person or entity hitherto unknown.”

“It’s the only plausible explanation I can think of,” Cummings told investigating officers. “It was an otherwise normal Halloween party, with guests in fancy dress getting drunk and high. Sukira went to the toilet and that was the last we saw of her. The only explanation I can come up with is that someone or something sucked her down the toilet for reasons we may never know.

“What I’m absolutely sure of is that I certainly did not follow her to the bathroom, choke her to death with electrical cord, haul her body back to my flat, keep it in the bathtub until later, perform a series of shockingly depraved sexual acts upon her corpse and then freeze it in a chest freezer in the garage before putting the frozen remains through a wood-chipper in the dead of night. That would just be weird. She definitely got sucked down the bog and that’s all there is to it.”

“To be honest with you we were at a loss as to what fate might have befallen Ms Yamamoto,” Inspector George ‘Nipper’ Crabbe of Sussex Police told us. “But with Mr Cummings’ statement all becomes abundantly clear. She was obviously sucked down the shitter by somebody, so we’ll be having a look down the sewers to see if we can find further clues. We’re grateful to Mr Cummings for his input – even though he is a bit of a weirdo who’s on the sex offenders register. His collection of bloodstained lingerie provided some much needed light relief for investigating officers. As far as we’re concerned it’s case closed.”

Ms Yamamoto became the 19th tenant of Mr Cummings to disappear over the last three years.

“That’s a bit weird,” admitted Inspector Crabbe. “But we’re not reading too much into it at this point.”

More as we get it.

Paddy Berzinski

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A Sushi Bar In Burnley? You’re Having A Laugh Mr Yakamoto

 

Raw Fish On A Roundabout

Raw Fish On A Roundabout

The few remaining residents of the declining mill town of Burnley, in Lancashire, were almost unanimous in their condemnation of a Japanese businessman’s plans to launch two sushi bars – one on the site of a former pub on Accrington Road, in the town, and one in neighbouring Padiham, in a disused shop in Burnley Road.

“What do we want with sushi? What is it anyway?” one resident groaned. “It took us thirty year to get used to eyetie coffee and Mac-bastard-Donald’s. I don’t bloody know where all this is leading to…but it’ll all end in tears. You mark my words and just think on.”

It seems that residents of Burnley and district aren’t quite prepared for a cultural onslaught which basically consists of bits of fish on a roundabout, skalextric type system, only a lot slower, to be washed down with sake – rice wine.

Or something equally ridiculous.

“Ooh, having raw fish going round and round in front of yer! I couldn’t do with that…I’d be sick!” Joyce Atkinson of Harold Avenue exclaimed. “Don’t they think we’ve got enough shops already, flogging bloody foreign muck? Course, I blame the Pakis, with their chow mien and their bloody kebabs and stuff. This place has gone right downhill since they took over the drugs and prostitution game. Now they’re asking us to eat raw fish off a fancy flaming roundabout? They can stick that where the sun don’t shine, and I’ll tell yer that for nowt!”

However, Mr Tokei Yakomoto, the Tokyo businessman who set up the deal is convinced that he can win the locals round, and is quite prepared to put his money where his mouth is.

“Maybe there be initial resistance to project,” he said. “But the people will love the sushi, when they come to be familiar with it. Is great delicacy in Japan.”

Upon reading a fax of Mr Yakomoto’s statement, Charlie Windsor, of Hudson Street, could hardly believe his eyes.

“Tell me you’re sodding well joking,” Mr Windsor said, with an air of menace about his tone. “They want us to eat raw fish and wash it down with rice pudding on a fancy bastard roundabout? Bollocks to ’em! Lads and lasses round here – they’ll trash the joint. On a daily basis. We’ve got short memories us – them swines turned me grandad Albert into a raving nutcase when he were a POW. Mad as a bucket of lemurs he was. And now they want us to pay to eat their shite? I’ll gi’ them two month afore they get burnt out. Sushi…bollocks…”

Mister Yakomoto remained upbeat about the project, insisting that locals would get to know and love sushi.

Some Fish Playing Scalextric

Some Fish Playing Scalextric

Local historian, on loan, Ken Lucid, currently residing in leafy Chiswick, told reporters:

“It’s right that Mr Yakomoto should remain optimistic regarding his current venture, but being an historian, I’d rather equate his chances alongside those of Emperor Hirohito in World War Two. In short, he’s going to be completely snookered if his sushi bars open in Burnley. The sad truth is that the only adaptable people in Burnley buggered off years ago in search of pastures new.”

Sio Nara – As we get it…

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