Express makes “fake news” accusation. The irony…

Bollocks!

Bollocks!

At a time when the British public don’t really have much to laugh about, given the terror attacks on Westminster Bridge, the Manchester bombing, the Borough Market atrocity and the Grenfell Tower catastrophe, the Daily Express doesn’t disappoint when it comes to disseminating rank hypocrisy. Indeed, it would be funny or at best bitterly ironic that the “respectable” face of Britain First wallows in its own excrement, but it really isn’t.

This is the Express – an organ that refers to itself as a news outlet, which in itself is a laughable concept, accusing Corbyn supporters of spreading fake news.

It should be funny, but it isn’t.

This is the Express – the arsewipe of a rag that’s been spreading outright lies about the EU for decades, the Muslim hating Express, the rag which preys on benefit recipients and single mothers, the Express that detests refugees, the Express that shits and pisses on reality on a daily basis on its vile website frequented by vile basement dwelling sexually frustrated individuals.

The Express are the people who spread outright lies about the EU – banning bacon sandwiches, banning curved bananas, stating that the EU is an unelected dictatorship.

The very same Express which publishes stories about Barack Obama and Angela Merkel passing secret “Illuminati” hand signals, that can’t even give a reliable weather report, that basically spouts zero other than absolute bollocks on any given occasion.

They’ve accused Corbyn “supporters” of spreading fake news regarding reporting restrictions on the control of casualty figures from the Grenfell Tower catastrophe on a blog. Actually the Express are clutching at straws and failing as usual with these lurid accusations by attempting to associate them directly with Jeremy Corbyn.

In short – it’s all bollocks. Everything the Express publishes is bollocks.

And worst of all, it’s nasty divisive bollocks. The Express epitomises everything that is wrong in this country. We have a brief message for the Express:

FUCK YOU!

Cafe Spike

Share

Daily Express readers rushed to A&E after gorging on BULLSHIT over Easter weekend

A concerned relative waits anxiously for news.

A concerned relative waits anxiously for news.

Facebook and Twitter users today SLAMMED the DAILY EXPRESS as Accident and Emergency departments across the land were overwhelmed by readers complaining of severe stomach pains and experiencing breathing difficulties after absorbing copious amounts of bullshit.

“We haven’t had a weekend as hectic as this since since THE SUN broke the story about Freddie Starr eating an innocent hamster,” an exhausted A&E surgeon gasped as he leaned on a hospital radiator in Chatham. “The DAILY EXPRESS readers are a volatile and insular group at the best of times, but there was no way we could have predicted them flooding the system in such overwhelming numbers. Quite frankly we struggled to cope.” [Read more…]

Share

I wish Katie Hopkins would just piss off, says man

My own TV show? How?!

My own TV show? How?!

A man who describes himself as a fork lift truck driver said today that he wishes Katie Hopkins would just piss off out of it and stop talking bollocks.

The Daily Mail columnist who makes a living out of being an absolutely heartless bitch hit the headlines this week when she had a haircut following a surgical procedure designed to help her battle with epilepsy.

“By her own criteria she’d have had herself humanely put down by now because she’s neither use nor fucking ornament, and a nasty piece of work to boot,” the man said.”Frankly I wish she’d just shut her bastard cakehole and stop poking her nose in where it isn’t wanted.”

A quick appraisal of the facts appears to support the view that Katie Hopkins is a blatant self publicist who thrives on media exposure, so in order to shut her up people need to stop publicising her prehistoric slant on life and just ignore the stupid cow.

Oh shit…

Paddy Berzinski

Share

DAILY EXPRESS Plumbs New Depths With TINY HITLER DICK STORY

We don't care how big his fucking dick was. He lost and that's all that matters

We don’t care how big his fucking dick was. He lost and that’s all that matters

Just when you get to wondering whether the spoof newspaper known as the DAILY EXPRESS could possibly sink any lower than the murkiest depths of utter bollockdom, they do.

Bearing in mind that these guys are supposed to be professional journalists working for a national news outlet, the casual observer could be forgiven for concluding that these morons ought to venture no further into the land of literacy than the weekly shopping listwhich if left to them would probably turn out to be indecipherable anyway.

Having ‘entertained’ the British public for years with its racist comment sections, its weather related scare stories and its absolutely obsessive xenophobic rants designed to scare the living shit out of vulnerable old ladies and insecure old men, the mind boggles as to what pathetic “topical” stunt they’ll exploit next.

Is there life on Mars? Is everything a conspiracy? Can their readership possibly get any more fucking idiotic?

They give us this little topical gem:

“Hitler lacked in trouser department: Evil Nazi dictator had TINY deformed penis” By REBECCA PERRING (Monday Feb 22nd 2016)

This from a rag that bangs the drum for Nigel Farage, who has been sponsored by the DE and who himself could be subjected to similar trouser related ridicule at a pinch. But we won’t go there. We couldn’t possibly stoop that low.

Most reasonable people would readily identify certain parallels between the DE’s hateful rants against Muslims and Christian Europeans in the name of patriotism, the support for a bigoted martinet, the extreme right connection and the rise of Naziism in 30s Germany. That ain’t rocket science.

But a story about Hitler’s dick? He’s been dead for seventy years, so how on earth is that in any way relevant or topical? It’s literally going from the sublime to the ridiculous because Richard Desmond and his sycophantic crew would probably have been equally as far up Hitler’s arse as the Daily Mail was at that time, and it’s the sort of own goal that would win any blooper of the year award.

An extreme right wing news outlet mocking the same kind of right wing extremist that they sponsored in the General election to the tune of a cool million.

If we had our way we’d break all the windows at the DE and haul its staff and readers off to a forced labour camp in Poland, where we’d introduce them to the delights of Zyklon B.

It would be in the national interest. It really would.

Martin Shuttlecock

Share

SAS To Keep Tabloids Up To Speed With Covert Ops Intel

A sniper pictured pointing a gun at something

A sniper pictured pointing a gun at something

The SAS today announced a groundbreaking deal to keep Britain’s tabloid press fully up to speed with all of its covert operations on an hourly basis.

The tabloids, desperate for some kind of positive spin on the middle east conflict appealed to the secretive regiment’s Commanding Officers to reveal lurid stories concerning anything involving killing the bad guys out there in the bombed out desert wasteland. Surprisingly the SAS promised to allow the press full access to all missions and promised absolute transparency.

Appearing at a press conference in Hereford, a man in a Captain’s uniform told assembled reporters:

“Of course we’ll keep the press fully informed at all times, because we appreciate that they’ll focus on honest documentation of our activities and not just make up lurid stories of their own involving snipers taking out the bad guys from impossible distances, sabotage operations behind enemy lines and black ops where our chaps go in disguised as locals and get involved in ferocious firefights with bloodthirsty jihadis.

“The regiment recognises that this is the way forward and understands that such levels of disclosure won’t really put our lads in actual danger of any kind. For example, we told the Daily Express ten minutes ago that we would be sending ten operatives into Raqqa, Syria disguised as women in order to set targets for bombing raids before neutralising two ISIS checkpoints in the city centre and being airlifted out of the combat zone by RAF Chinook helicopters on the eastern outskirts of the city.

“Our chaps are quite happy with the arrangement and the Daily Express have promised not to say anything that might compromise the mission, so everybody’s happy.”

At which point an irate farmer appeared as if from nowhere and ordered the assembled press corps to get off his land.

More as we get it.

Reporter: Hattie Bowler

Share

Daily Express Makes Complete Arse Of Itself AGAIN

If the Express did vampirism, this would be a crucifix

If the Express did vampirism, this would be a crucifix

The Daily Express confirmed its position as a laughing stock of the British press today by publishing a headline on its website confidently stating: “100,000 say NO to the EU: Poll PROVES Britain wants out of eurozone”

Really?

Now, we know that the Express supports UKIP and tolerates hate speech on a daily basis through its comments section, but could a right wing rag really be so idiotic as to actually believe its own warped version of reality and actually have the effrontery to publish such a nonsensical claim as a headlining story?

Sadly, yes.

Everybody knows that the Express supports UKIP and having demonised single parents and condemned benefit claimants to an eternity of burning brimstone they moved on to wholeheartedly support the demonisation of refugees fleeing a war zone amid a rabid hate campaign against anything remotely Islamic, but do they really expect anyone with half a functioning brain to believe that 92% of Britons want out of the EU?

Let’s just ponder that for a moment.

The Express website is pretty much a closed shop as far as comments go. Unless you’re a UKIP supporting conspiracy theorist lunatic, in which case it’s okay. But be warned – unless you’re a xenophobic, racist, psychotic hate monger you have to be brave to attempt to pose an alternative point of view. If you aren’t a Farage devotee, and have the audacity to speak out in public against these lunatics then you can expect a deluge of abuse, threats of violence, and intimidation from the Express’s bottom feeding denizens.

Did they really say that? Can anybody be THAT stupid?

Did they really say that? Can anybody be THAT stupid?

Dare to say anything rational on the Express comments section and you’ll be branded as a troll by the racist Pegida, Britain First supporting troglodytes who lurk in its depths.

Most of whom by their own admission hold several email accounts and post there under a variety of aliases – and thus have multiple votes in the so-called “poll.”

So 92% PROVE that Britain wants out of the EU?

Really?

92% of certifiable lunatic racist psychotics using multiple votes maybe. Even UKIP stated that the poll results were an embarrassment.

Which PROVES conclusively that the Daily Express and its readers are full of shit and talk absolute bollocks.

Martin Shuttlecock for Cafe Spike

Share

Barking Mad Murphy On ‘Ed Miliband And Why I Won’t Be Voting Labour’

Do not listen to Barking Mad Murphy! The man is an utter twunt!

Do not listen to Barking Mad Murphy! The man is an utter twunt!

Ed Miliband eh? Labour Party. Miss Faversham still wearing the erection outfit years later covered in cobwebs. Ardman Animation. How does one eat a bacon butty without gagging? Red Ed my arse. Tractor to the shirking classless. Caviar and mash? Leave it out bruv. Bloomsbury Group – champagne soviets, like macaroons but slightly fair weather.

EU. Oh yes. Angela Snorkel, the Germaniacs, the French letters, Italian stallions, double Dutch, goat cheese. Britain. Coal mines, steelworks, shitbuilding, cowboys, swarfega. Rubber gloves and hairnets? Organised grime, balotelli boxes, red tapeworms. Strike! Strike! All out brotherhoods and sister acts. All for wonton soup, mulligatawny for all. Oh yes indeed! Factoid!

Tacks – thumb tacks, carpet tacks, constipation tacks. Apples, Giggle, Starburst. More or lessons? You decried. Social Clubbism? Wheeltappers and Shunters? Left tits? Too many shampoo socialites. All plush boys and girlies from hoarding schools. Rugger tugger? Jolly hockey masks? Out of touchpaper the mewling glasses.

As I said at Nuremburg – Was ist das? Never against. Brass roots, bold as monkeys, cribbage strewn urbane pastylands. Sick? Disabled? We’ll have that then. Not on your Nelly. New Labour old bullocks. More Noah.

Ever again. Bring back dangling and the larch I say. Vote Spike. I’m not.

Reporter: Barking Mad Murphy.

Share

Magazine Editor Freaks Out Over World’s Longest Christmas Sub

Would you want this coming down your chimney?

Would you want this coming down your chimney?

Martin Shuttlecock, editor of top quality online magazine Cafe Spike is quietly recuperating at home after being faced by the world’s longest online submission and almost losing his mind in the process. Insiders say that Shuttlecock has been under a great deal of stress lately and that he was hoping that some of the Café Spike writers would step up to the plate and submit some copy for the festive season.

Rather than leaving it all to him while the team go out and get pissed/stoned/arrested or beaten up.

Which is the festive norm for Spike staffers at this time of the year.

“He’s been moaning about it for weeks,” long suffering wife Anne told me. “The team have either all thrown sickies or they’re off tracking down long lost maiden aunts in various far flung corners of the world. It’s always the same. I’ve told him to give the whole thing up time and time again, but he won’t listen. He seems to think he’s some kind of undiscovered literary genius. The truth is that he’s a bit of a delusional bell-end so I just let him get on with it.

“Then one of the writers submitted a lengthy and hilarious seasonal skit and his head almost exploded. One minute he was hunched over the laptop – as usual – and the next he sort of liquefied and slid right off the couch and onto the floor. For a moment I thought he was dead, but then he got up and walked a tad unsteadily to the kitchen. It was as if he was drunk.

“Come to think of it – he probably was. He usually is. Then he cracked his head on the doorpost and fell flat on his face onto the kitchen floor. He pissed his pants at that point. The filthy old sod.”

Further investigations revealed that the cause of Shuttlecock’s rapid onset deterioration was a submission by a certain Mr Lynton Cox, a parody of the Dickensian Christmas classic novel ‘A Christmas Carol’ entitled ‘Lynton Cox’s What The Dickens?’

Shuttlecock explains the reasons for his perplexity:

(As he drinks cup after cup of instant coffee and munches on a seemingly endless supply of chocolate digestive biscuits.)

“It was the length of it,” Shuttlecock groaned. “It’s more like a bleeding book than a magazine article, and I’m expected to have it all edited and published by Christmas day! It’s like War And Peace! It’s an enormous chunk of text. And not only that – it’s written like an actual Dickens, but with a sense of humour. I laughed out loud reading it several times…”

So what’s the problem?

“It’s Coxy,” Shuttlecock groaned. “I’m sure he just does it to wind me up. He loves anarchy, lives for it. It’s even got quite a bit of gratuitous swearing in it – which he puts in there specifically to piss me off. He knows that I like to have inoffensive content on the site so he does it just to piss me off. The bastard.”

But there is quite a substantial amount of ‘industrial language’ distributed all over the net…so what’s the problem with that?

“Don’t get me fucking started!” Shuttlecock ranted, as he almost choked on a chunk of chocolate digestive. “The first part is long! Then it gets longer…and longer…it won’t even fit on me hard drive for God’s sake! I’ve filled up two laptops, a PC and a fucking iPad already and still there’s more! Part five makes Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ look like a novella! If I get my hands on Cox I swear to God I’ll fucking strangle him! TIS THE SEASON TO BE FUCKING JOLLY MY ARSE!!!”

At which point – with Shuttlecock seemingly on the verge of bursting a blood vessel – long suffering wife Anne intervened, insisting that I leave the room.

“Best leave him alone for a while,” she advised. “If you keep on pressing him he’ll probably shit his pants and muggins here will be left to clean the daft bastard up. The bottom line is that quality writing makes him feel insecure, and Lynton delivers that in spades. As for my pathetic excuse for a husband…he’s just a talentless twat really, but I haven’t the heart to tell him.”

At which point I made my excuses and left.

You can read Lynton’s magnum opus in the ‘Running Shorts’ section of cafespike dot com if you have a few years to spare. You could also ‘like’ and ‘share’ it on Arsebook or reTwitter it or whatever. Anything that makes that insufferable pillock Shuttlecock feel even more inadequate than he already is, is fine by me.

Reporter:- Paddy Berzinski

Share