Migrant Hordes To Swarm UK Within Days As Island Loophole Exposed

Shoot them! - Daily Express reader comment

Shoot them! – Daily Express reader comment

France – People traffickers are gearing up for a cash bonanza after discovering legal loopholes caused by historical by-laws which will effectively allow them to transport migrants to Jersey and the Isle of Wight unhindered, and from there on to mainland Britain.

The by-laws – originally introduced in 1939 at the outbreak of World War II – state that Wight and Jersey guarantee safe passage to any person who lands on their shores as a result of flight from persecution.

Once in Wight or Jersey, all migrants will have to do is register at the local police station, where they will be issued with travel warrants – endorsed by the UK government, and funded by the European Union – after which they will be granted immediate entry to the mainland by ferry or by air, unrestricted by HM Border Force regulations on arrival.

The loophole was discovered by left wing infiltrators who were working as researchers at the BBC according to sources, before being relayed to the traffickers, who are reputed to be members of a Turkish crime family based in North London.

Some people traffickers have already set up shop in Creances on the Normandy coast and have already set up a ticket office and hired a number of high turnover vessels in order to facilitate the short voyage to Jersey.

Residents of the Jungle camp at Calais are said to be moving en masse to Cherbourg, where members of the same Turkish gang have leased a decommissioned cross channel ferry, funded by the EU to transport the migrants to Ventnor, on the Isle of Wight.

Officials on both islands are bracing themselves for a massive invasion as the government files emergency legislation in an extraordinary session in a scramble to close the legal loophole.

Jersey based airlines and Isle of Wight ferry operators are said to be working hard to secure additional capacity in order to accommodate the unprecedented influx by transferring them as rapidly as possible to the mainland.

More as we get it.

Billy Fisher for Cafe Spike


Who IS Lady C? Barking Mad Murphy Investigates

Lady C NOT FUCKING DOING IT with Anton DuBeq on our telly

Lady C NOT FUCKING DOING IT with Anton DuBeq on our telly

It’s that time of the yodel again Fawkes. I’m a Celeb! Help! Anton Deck. Witchety grubs. Bush tucker trial by jury. Lady C. Who is Lady C? I don’t know. Does she? Do Anton Deck? Rumble in the jungle with Chris Mountebank and Duncan Ballymurphy. Nice. Camp fires and sand crabs with onion. Has she gone yet? What? Who?

Lady C eh? Feisty or wotsits? Brought up as a boy in Jamaica, married a Lord, got divorced. Won’t take yes for an answer on a postcard or anything. Don’t put crickets in my bra you naughty Boy George. By the left. Now we’re cooking. No kangaroo anus for me thanks Mr Ramsay I’m on a diet. Ostrich balls to you too you cad! Not wanting pythons. Rice and beans for you chum. You fat bastard!

Posh. Long hair. Hell’s Angels on wheelies playing trombones, the swines! Free boob jobs for bus drivers! Howay man! Haddaway an shyte. Dancers in Stetsons. Curried spiders and crocodile bollocks. Ooh look a ghost! And a squirrel! The emu’s crapped in my slippers again Tony. What you going to do about that eh? Eh? Eh? True gold my arse!

Lady C? Has she gone yet? Where’s the dunny?

Singing offal, until nix thyme.

Barking Mad Murphy.


10 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Kendra Wilkinson





Kendra As Seen On Our Big Telly Yesterday

Kendra As Seen On Our Big Telly Yesterday

At the tender age of 18, Kendra moved in with billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne in Wayne Mansion in Gotham, which is somewhere in America. Apparently. During this period Kendra was a frequent visitor to the Bat Cave. She is also thought to have enjoyed cruising the dangerous streets of Gotham of a night time in the Batmobile whilst drinking Gatorade through a straw – through her nose.


As a young girl Kendra took a summer job with a pest controller in her native Cuba. “She wasn’t very good at it,” her ex-boss told us. “She got all unnecessary if she came within three feet of a rat or a roach. So I fired her. She only officially worked for me for half an hour – and twenty minutes of that was spent putting her boiler suit on.”


In her early teens Kendra displayed a talent for cricket and excelled as a spin bowler, but as nobody else declared any interest in the sport whatsoever, the head cricket coach Mr Khan went back to India, where he worked as a used car salesman until his untimely death in 1972 when he was trampled and killed by a rampaging circus elephant. Kendra didn’t attend the funeral on the grounds that she was washing her hair.

Witchetty Grubs

In 1968 whilst on vacation in London Kendra came to the attention of then Beatles guitarist, George Harrison. Some historians believe that Harrison was inspired by Kendra to pen the hit song ‘Something,’ although Harrison himself never confirmed it. Beatles historian Peter Best insists that ‘Something’ was nothing whatsoever to do with Kendra. “I don’t think ‘Something’ was about Kendra,” he told us yesterday. “It was probably about someone else or something. But not ‘Something Else’ exactly because that’s a different song entirely.”

Kangaroo Penis

Most people won’t be aware of it, but Kendra is actually a committed vegan. Apart from when she’s tucking into meat and fish, or egg and chips. Insiders report that Kendra was converted to veganism in the 1960’s when she was kidnapped by the Black Panthers and spent months on end as a hostage locked up in the dark in a wardrobe in San Francisco’s Haight Ashbury district.

When She Was Bonking Batman. (Allegedly)

When She Was Bonking Batman. (Allegedly)

Ostrich Testicles

To this day Kendra claims that her mild mannered ways and all round humility stem from the time she spent ten days with Nelson Mandela in his Robben Island prison cell. “He was an amazing human being,” Kendra said recently of their meeting in 1981. “He just radiated peace, love and forgiveness. A truly inspirational human being. We spent a lot of time together, mostly meditating and playing Call Of Duty on his X-Box. They were good times. Mostly.”

Green Ants

Kendra attributes her toughness and durability to the days when she played as a tight end for the Chicago Bears football team back in 1984. “I had to be tough to even live with those guys,” she said just before she went into the jungle recently. “I had a fight with William ‘The Refrigerator’ Perry in the locker room one time after a game against the Denver Broncos. He was a mountain of a guy but I whupped his ass that night. I offered to take the whole team on in the parking lot as I was raging, a bit like a bull really. I was so furious I had to jump in the Chicago River to cool off. When I got out they’d all gone home so I went to McDonalds and ate two Big Mac meals. Then I felt a bit sick so I went for a walk.”

Dung Beetles

Hard as it may be to believe, Kendra has had no professional training in the noble art of swearing. “I’m completely self-taught at swearing,” she told former Prime Minister’s knock off piece Edwina Curry in the jungle last night. “It took me years to perfect the art. I studied mostly in the Bat Cave in Gotham when I was with Bruce Wayne. He brought me a bunch of DVD’s with Robert DeNiro, Harvey Keitel, Richard Prior, Eddie Murphy and some Scottish guy in them. I studied the discs like, forever…and perfected my swearing. I can even cuss a little in Italian. At least I think it’s Italian…”

Ant and Dec

Kendra has apparently forged a natural affinity with pint-sized Geordie TV presenters Ant and Dec. She puts this down to having spent three months working at Gregg’s in North Shields in 1923. “We get along because I understand the Geordie mentality,” she told Michael Buerk as they queued up for the dunny in the jungle camp this morning. “Having spent time in the north-east I get where they’re coming from. Although I have no clue what a single one of them is saying. That would take three lifetimes of intense linguistic studies. I hope Edwina’s quick in that dunny by the way – I’m proper dying forra slash.”

Bush Tucker Trials

Kendra is no stranger to trials, being a fully qualified Attorney at Law – the American equivalent of a Duty Solicitor who’s always nipping out the back for a sneaky fag at your local Magistrates Court before completely cocking up your statement in court if you’re unfortunate enough to have him/her representing you. Kendra famously was assigned to represent Lee Harvey Oswald in the Kennedy assassination case in 1963. Former Dallas Sheriff Eddie Knox told us: “Kendra could have changed the course of history that day. Had she done her hair and flossed her teeth just a little damn bit quicker we’d have had Oswald in court before Jack Ruby even got into the building.”

Vote for Kendra on I’m A Celebrity – Get Me Out Of Here by Ant and Dec, or just give us a like and share on FB. Frankly, we’re not all that bothered either way.