How mental would a war with Spain be?

The calm before the storm.

The calm before the storm.

With all this guff about a war with Spain in defence of Gibraltar we got to thinking: What would happen? How would it play out?

We’ve concluded that such an event would be an absolute farce. Probably beginning with:

Theresa May ordering a seaborne invasion of Spain with a ‘Task Force’ comprising of an aircraft carrier with no planes. The Spanish President responds by appealing for volunteer fighters, but the appeal falls on deaf ears as the only Spaniards with any interest in coming to the cold damp UK are already here working in bars and restaurants. The rest like their sunshine, their senoritas and their La Liga and can’t be arsed.

Arron Banks funds a home defence unit and appoints Nigel Farage Captain of the Walmington on Sea platoon.

Theresa May makes plans for a bowling game with Donald Trump at Plymouth Hoe on D-Day2.0 and promises to wear ‘fuck me’ shoes and test the weight of Trump’s bowls.

In the meantime while the Spanish are watching El Clasico between Real Madrid and Barcelona at the Bernabeu and lobbing pig heads onto the playing area, Britain launches a sneaky full on naval assault in a pincer movement, targeting the Northern port of Bilbao and the Med city of Barcelona.

In London, Spanish waiters retaliate by masturbating into the carbonara sauce of Conservative and UKIP voters.

The Royal Marines land on the beaches near Bilbao but the locals just laugh, befriend them and buy them Margaritas. The assault stalls as three Marine battalions are pinned down on the beach drinking and singing Julio Iglesias songs deep into the night. Fireworks are let off by the locals. Initial concern by the Marines is not in evidence.

“They’re just fireworks,” one says. “Best war I’ve ever been in. Apparently the lassie in the flamenco costume wants to take me for a paella. Wah hey! Get in!”

The Spanish President interrupts all media broadcasting to announce that Neymar’s third goal was a blatant handball after Barcelona’s 6-5 win at the Bernabeu and slams the Brazilian for being a “dirty cheating hijo de puta.” (Son of a bitch.)

Boris Johnson likewise interrupts all UK public broadcasting to complain that the Spanish aren’t taking this seriously.

The Spanish President responds by saying: “How can anybody take a gringo oaf like you seriously? You mop-headed Bullingdon Club muppet?”

Nigel Farage deserts the Walmington on Sea platoon and in defiance of orders commandeers a Piper Comanche light aircraft, which he proceeds to fly to somewhere near Berlin in order to beg for Angela Merkel to intervene and call for a halt to hostilities.

Theresa May would probably get very shouty and sweary.

Theresa May would probably get very shouty and sweary.

The SAS storm the beaches at Barcelona but it’s too hot so they doff their uniforms and make camp. Before long they’re approached by hordes of weed dealers, prostitutes, human statues, jugglers and beggars. They all get stoned while they wait for orders. To keep the troops hydrated a convoy of waiters in tuxedos serve our boys absinthe and cocktails and tell the troops they’ll have to up sticks and move if they aren’t dining or have a pre-booked reservation.

One irate SAS officer on Barcelona beach threatens to shoot a particularly aggressive waiter in the head over a tipping argument but the face off is defused by a passing taxi driver who takes the SAS man twelve metres further down the beach for 20 Euro.

UKIP leader Paul Nuttall announces that he’s been awarded the Victoria Cross for storming and holding single handedly an ice cream van on Las Ramblas as he penetrated enemy lines. Strangely the Twitter message bearing the announcement was posted from an IP address in Birkenhead.

Nigel Farage cocks up on the map reading and instead of landing in north-eastern Germany actually parachutes into North Korea. He is picked up by Kim Jong Un’s security forces and taken to Sandow Prison where he is interrogated by North Korean agents. Farage offers to treat Kim Jong Un to a black forest gateau, a bottle of Grouse and a bag of Walker’s crisps by way of a bribe. Jong Un refuses.

Angela Merkel tells Britain to stop being stupid. Douglas Carswell announces that he can’t take it any more and he’s moving to North Korea. ISIS release a video stating that they’re totally confused by the whole situation and can’t make head nor tail of it.

Donald Trump flies into Heathrow on Air Force 1 and tells everybody to calm down. “Just calm down,” he says. “Calm down. Right down. All the way down. Get Zen. Do it bigly. Chill the fuck out,” as he waves his tiny hands in soothing gestures.

Vladimir Putin calls Trump a “yellow bellied bastard” on Russian state TV. According to Trump’s spray-tanning technician and chief advisors there isn’t really any point arguing with that, so Trump lets it go. For now… He later calls Putin a “gay Russki poisoner” on Twitter but subsequently announces that his Twitter account has been hacked by a mysterious man in a hat in Manhattan.

Theresa May is absolutely gutted when a glamour photographer – mistaking her for an aspiring model – says that he wouldn’t waste valuable film on her. She retreats to Downing Street and kicks Geoffrey Hammond’s cat on the way in, sparking cries of outrage from animal activists. She will go on to call a halt to hostilities, recall the troops from Spain and cry herself to sleep.

Patriotic UKIP supporters would probably be cheering our boys on from the safety of their own living rooms.

Patriotic UKIP supporters would probably be cheering our boys on from the safety of their own living rooms.

In an effort to secure Nigel Farage’s release, intrepid Mail reporter Katie Hopkins jets out to Pyongyang but turns back at the airport after discovering that North Korea is chock full of “smelly yellow low rent people.” She is violently sick on the return flight and an emergency landing in order to secure medical attention for the withered hack is only averted when Ms Hopkins reads a comment on Express online where somebody calling himself “RockHardJohnson” from Bromsgrove wrote: “She’s a bit of a pig but I’d give her one. For spite.”

Meanwhile back in Blighty everyone celebrates VE day (Victory over Europe day) by going down the pub and grumbling about gays and Muslims, apart from the Remoaners – who aren’t actually moaning any more, simply making plans to get the hell out while the going’s good – and Jeremy Corbyn calls for an election whereby he has as much chance of winning as he has of backing an athematic in a blow-football game against a free diver.

In North Korea Nigel Farage announces from his prison cell that he’s forming a new party – NKIP – North Korea Independence Party, based on anti-American propaganda and an inherent fear of the Japanese, calling for mass rallies and an end to immigration. Kim Jong Un laughs in his face, telling Farage that no fucker in his or her right mind would want to immigrate to North Korea but tacitly agrees to the proposition.

Arron Banks offers financial backing to NKIP, Douglas Carswell declares his intention to stand as the Member For Pyongyang Western Ward but is bitterly opposed by Paul Nuttall – winner of 8 Victoria Crosses in the Anglo-Spanish War.

Guy Verhofstadt reportedly died laughing and Paul Golding and Jayda Fransen invited Pippa Middleton to be Chief Bridesmaid at their impending nuptials in The Grand Central Mosque in Karachi, Pakistan.

Kim Jong Un advised North Koreans to “Keep Calm And Carry On.”

That’s enough.


It couldn’t possibly get any dafter.

Unless you know better…

Paddy Berzinski for


Cafe Spike to embrace right wing extremism

Nigel Farage looking smug now that we're on message with the right.

Nigel Farage looking smug now that we’re on message with the right.

Crap online so-called comedy website today announced a change in its editorial policy by stating that it was abandoning its previously unsuccessful leftard PC liberal stance and embracing rampant xenophobic right wing extremist politics.

“We were going nowhere fast,” Cafe Spike’s Editor, Martin Shuttlecock announced this morning. ‘Nobody seems interested in anything we have to say about fairness and social justice so we’re going to start appealing to the type of frustrated psychotic wanker that writes in the Express comments sections.

“An awful lot of people seem to be interested in the inflammatory right wing bollocks spouted by the likes of Donald Trump, Nigel Farage, Katie Hopkins and the fuckwits at the Daily Express so that’s the direction we’ll be going in from now on.

“Besides being a sound business decision it’s much easier to just make up scare stories blaming migrants for everything, so that’s what we’ll do, starting today.”

Paddy Berzinski


Nigel Farage and Katie Hopkins to present Great British Bake Off

Nigel Farage and Katie Hopkins are both so elfin fugly we've put a pic of Michelle Keegan up wot we got off t'internet instead.

Nigel Farage and Katie Hopkins are both so elfin fugly we’ve put a pic of Michelle Keegan up wot we got off t’internet instead.

The much loved former UKIP leader and the highly regarded Mail columnist are currently the favourites to take over presentation duties on GBBO following the show’s switch to Channel Four from its original BBC slot.

“Katie’s a natural choice for the slot,” a theatrical agent who insisted on anonymity told Cafe Spike. “Her appearances on This Morning alongside Holly Willoughby and Pip Schofield galvanised her reputation for representing ordinary people. She’s in tune with the common people, as she proved by filming herself getting shagged in a field by a pig herder.

“As for Nigel Farage – he’s just so charismatic and attractive that millions of formerly straight UKIP voters just want to be gay for a day and share a bed with him smoking fags, having sex and drinking Bombardier beer whilst slagging off foreigners and pretending not to be racist.

“Which doesn’t bode well for Nadia, but the bottom line is that Katie and Nigel know all there is to know about fruit cakes.”

More as we get it.



I wish Katie Hopkins would just piss off, says man

My own TV show? How?!

My own TV show? How?!

A man who describes himself as a fork lift truck driver said today that he wishes Katie Hopkins would just piss off out of it and stop talking bollocks.

The Daily Mail columnist who makes a living out of being an absolutely heartless bitch hit the headlines this week when she had a haircut following a surgical procedure designed to help her battle with epilepsy.

“By her own criteria she’d have had herself humanely put down by now because she’s neither use nor fucking ornament, and a nasty piece of work to boot,” the man said.”Frankly I wish she’d just shut her bastard cakehole and stop poking her nose in where it isn’t wanted.”

A quick appraisal of the facts appears to support the view that Katie Hopkins is a blatant self publicist who thrives on media exposure, so in order to shut her up people need to stop publicising her prehistoric slant on life and just ignore the stupid cow.

Oh shit…

Paddy Berzinski


Surgeon Inserted Canary In Katie Hopkins’ Skull ‘For A Laugh’

Tweet tweet!

Tweet tweet!

Eminent surgeon, Mr Hugo DeFreitas FRCS today announced that after performing a neurological procedure on journalist Katie Hopkins, he’d popped a canary into her cranial cavity for a laugh.

“Surgery is a deadly serious and often tense activity,” he said. “So we have to have a laugh now and again or we’d all go stark raving bonkers. I thought leaving a canary in Hopkins’s skull was a nice touch. I’d love to see her expression when it starts whistling and she tries to work out where it is.”

It isn’t unusual for surgeons to inadvertently leave surgical instruments inside their patients, but putting stuff there deliberately appears to be a recent phenomenon. Recent incidents revealed by x-rays have shown a women with a cuckoo clock in her abdomen, a man with a ball bearing in his sinuses and a pensioner with a bottle of Lucozade in her rib cage.

“It’s not a practice we encourage,” said a BMA spokesman.

“I always said she was a birdbrain anyway,” chuckled the surgeon. “For my next trick I’d like to leave a moral compass in Iain Duncan Smith’s head, or a pony up Jeremy Hunt’s arse or something similar.”

The world waits in hope.


Katie Hopkins To Join UKIP

Controversial Katie

Controversial Katie

Even we were taken aback by the claims – made by Burnley market trader Jim Grimshaw last night – implying that Britain’s most hated woman has pledged her allegiance to UKIP in the upcoming General Election.

Hopkins – a Sun columnist – who has attracted an avalanche of utter contempt across all media for her outrageous social media comments and inane scribblings in the press, is said to be considering not only giving her support to UKIP but also in getting directly involved in the day to day running of the party.

“Think about it,” Grimshaw told Café Spike. “She hates immigrants, she’s rich, she’s posh and she once got shagged by some bloke in a field on camera. She’s ideal for UKIP. It’s a match made in heaven. When she suggested that she’d like to see refugees machine-gunned in the Med I immediately thought of Nigel Farage and UKIP. They go together like peaches and cream.”

When pressed, Grimshaw couldn’t actually provide any evidence in support of his controversial claim, but he did tap the side of his nose with his index finger and gave us a crafty, knowing wink.

We tried to contact Katie Hopkins for a reaction but as none of our people know her phone number or have any idea where she lives there was no response.

We did manage to contact a UKIP supporter – who insisted on anonymity – and she told us:

“This story is blatant nonsense. There is no way that UKIP would in any way, shape or form consider forming any kind of allegiance with that utterly contemptible, malodorous and toxic excuse for a human being. Christ, we may be UKIP and to be honest we could do with some high profile media support but even we wouldn’t sink that low. I hope she gets struck by lightning or something to be honest, but that’s only my opinion and not necessarily that of Nigel or the party.”

Luke Jaywalker


Jeremy Clarkson – Who Gives A Rat’s Arse?

The Top Gear Team Getting A Warm Welcome In Argentina

The Top Gear Team Getting A Warm Welcome In Argentina

Here at the Café we’ve studiously ignored the ongoing row over the BBC’s suspension of self proclaimed petrol head, Jeremy Clarkson, because quite frankly we don’t give a rat’s knacker either way. We don’t even watch Top Gear because it’s about as interesting as watching a goldfish swim around in endless circles in a glass bowl. It’s just a show about high performance cars presented by a middle aged egomaniac who owns a seemingly overlarge head. In the greater scheme of things it’s completely irrelevant.

To us anyway.

Seemingly not to Clarkson’s legions of fans, and even his opponents. It’s descended into the realms of political farce of the lowest order.

The Prime Minister expressed his support for Clarkson – let that sink in for a moment – The Prime Minister. Jesus Dave…do you really not have more important things to do? It would be laughable were it not so bloody tragic.

Here’s the skinny – Clarkson got ticked off because of a lack of satisfactory catering after a hard day’s filming and proceeded allegedly to throw a punch at a producer because he couldn’t get his own way. Then Clarkson reported himself to the BBC for misconduct.

According to sources, Clarkson’s contract with the BBC is up for renewal and cynics claim that Clarkson wants away in order to sell his show to the highest bidder.

So why all the hullabaloo? Who gives a toss what he does?

Apparently media harridan Katie Hopkins does – she likened the BBC’s suspension of Clarkson to hanging the queen. Which is plainly just fucking moronic.

Anyone with half a brain knows that Clarkson’s carefully constructed TV persona has been honed to promote maximum publicity, good or bad. Yet we have a Prime Minister and the entire media up in arms over some lumpen headed spoilt brat millionaire’s rights?

What a load of old bollocks. We just think he’s a cunt.

Reporter: Ted Pemberton