Trump Tried To Get Into My Knickers Claims English Rose

Georgina Osborne pictured in Accrington yesterday.

Georgina Osborne pictured in Accrington yesterday.

US presidential candidate Donald Trump was allegedly obsessed with former model and reformed drug addict Georgina Osborne and made repeated attempts to seduce her during a night out at a snooker club in Accrington, Lancs.

According to English rose, Georgina Osborne.

The failed seduction attempt took place in 1986, after Trump plied Ms Osborne with fourteen pints of Thwaites bitter and a bottle of Babycham.

“He was terribly insistent,” Georgina recalls. “I was outside in the car park waiting for a taxi when he came to give me what I thought would be a goodnight hug, but before I knew it he had me bent over the bonnet of a Ford Cortina. Had it not been for the intervention of a man from a kebab van I shudder to think what might have happened. Trump had me at his mercy, but in fairness he saw the absurdity of the situation and bought me a doner kebab. He admitted he’d allowed himself to get a little carried away by my stunning beauty and we laughed about it afterwards. Anyway, it all turned out well because I married the man from the kebab van.

“Of course that was before the crack cocaine addiction, the prostitution and six appearances on the Jeremy Kyle show, but I was young and foolish then. And so was he.”

We contacted Donald Trump’s campaign HQ for a reaction to Ms Osborne’s revelation but they completely ignored us.

And please – no Specsavers quips. They aren’t remotely funny and we’re sick to fucking death of them.

Paddy Berzinski

*Next week – Georgina Osborne – Nigel Farage wanted me to wear a burkha in kinky sex romp

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BF’s Paul Golding Warned To Lay Off The Kebabs

A half eaten kebab pictured last week.

A half eaten kebab pictured last week.

A Britain First insider exclusively revealed today that the far-right group’s leader, Paul Golding has been advised to lay off the kebabs for a while or run the risk of becoming a really, really, fat bastard. BF members expressed concern over the portly gobshite’s rapidly expanding girth, which can be clearly seen on recently released Britain First clips.

“He’s a bugger for an extra large doner with salad and lashings of garlic sauce,” the insider confided. “He often has two a day and he’s on first name terms with the staff at Ali Bullo’s Kebab and Pizza Grill in Swanley. Jayda’s forever nagging him about being a porker but he takes no notice. It was only when Doctor Hassan warned him to lay off the kebabs, and exercise more or risk getting type 2 diabetes that he started paying attention.”

Kebab shop proprietor Ali Bullo commented: “Him come in shop two three times every day. Is good customer but him no really like us. Him smile to face only for kebab – is best in Swanley, but deep in heart him hate us. Is why Mehmet put little extra protein in garlic sauce, if you get what I mean.”

We asked Paul Golding for a comment but one of his minions told us he was out somewhere flogging tat in a shopping centre off a rickety table.

Please Like Share and Retweet or we’ll start posting pics of abused kittens.

Paddy Berzinski

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The Revolutionary Cafe Spike Diet Revealed

Get your day off to a flying start

Get your day off to a flying start

We’ve been asked to list our Editor In Chief’s typical dietary intake over a 24 hour period for a leading international health, diet, exercise and fitness magazine, basically in the hope that others will be inspired to attain a Café Spike level of fitness and mental agility. So what follows is a typical day in the dietary life of our esteemed EIC.

04:30 Crawl bleary eyed and slightly hungover out of warm bed. Go downstairs.

04:35 Promise to shower later. Coffee and cigarettes.

05:00 Breakfast. Bacon, fried bread, fried egg, sausages, mushrooms, fried tomato, baked beans, black pudding slices, sautéed potatoes, toast, chilli ketchup.

05:30 Check emails.

05:32 Cigarette. Open Facebook. Post disparaging comments on posts considered pointless. (99.9%)

06:00 Open Mail Online. Post stupid comments to wind the idiots up. Three packets of crisps, more cigarettes, four cold beers. Stiff brandy.

08:00 Last night’s curry microwaved and served on thickly buttered sliced white bread. (4 Slices) Back to bed for a bit.

11:45 Whisky and double pepperami pizza or cheddar cheese on toast. (4 slices) Try to write a story for the magazine. Treble brandy. Put reading glasses on to prevent double vision. Type rubbish for a few minutes. Give up. Large rum and coke. Doze off in chair watching This Morning.

15:15 Wake up starving. Microwaved corned beef on toast with four strong lagers. Exchange FB messages with Frankie, our staffer in the USA who hasn’t been well recently. Advise Frankie that he needs to switch to a healthy lifestyle.

16:45 Exercises. A brisk walk up the shops. Buy a case of strong lager. Kebab shop – mega doner with salad, chilli sauce, slice of pizza and two deep fried chicken breasts, southern style.

Don't Skimp On The Drink!

Don’t Skimp On The Drink!

17:15 Weight training. Putting beers in fridge.

18:00 More beer. With brandy, whisky and schnapps.

20:30 Up the chippy. Fish, chips and mushy peas, saveloy and pickled egg.

21:00 Neat vodka, box of Dairy Milk. Watch the news for a bit.

22:00 Supper – microwaved KFC Zinger burger with fries beans, gravy and coleslaw that I’d put in the fridge three days ago and forgotten about.

23:00 Half bottle of Merlot and bed.

It may not work for everybody but it works for me.

Martin Shuttlecock. Editor In Chief. Café Spike.

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Ken Mither and The Chip Shop Boys – New Album In The Works

Somebody Eating Their Dinner - With Proper Gravy.

Somebody Eating Their Dinner – With Proper Gravy.

MUSIC – Yorkshire ‘Real Gravy’ campaigner, Ken Mither has revealed that he has reformed his pop band The Chip Shop Boys, and confirmed that the popular combo are hard at work in the recording studio laying down tracks for their new album – I’ve Got You Covered.

“It’s exciting that we’re working on a new project,” Mither said. “And it’s great to be back working with the lads again.” [Read more…]

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