The Revolutionary Cafe Spike Diet Revealed

Get your day off to a flying start

Get your day off to a flying start

We’ve been asked to list our Editor In Chief’s typical dietary intake over a 24 hour period for a leading international health, diet, exercise and fitness magazine, basically in the hope that others will be inspired to attain a Café Spike level of fitness and mental agility. So what follows is a typical day in the dietary life of our esteemed EIC.

04:30 Crawl bleary eyed and slightly hungover out of warm bed. Go downstairs.

04:35 Promise to shower later. Coffee and cigarettes.

05:00 Breakfast. Bacon, fried bread, fried egg, sausages, mushrooms, fried tomato, baked beans, black pudding slices, sautéed potatoes, toast, chilli ketchup.

05:30 Check emails.

05:32 Cigarette. Open Facebook. Post disparaging comments on posts considered pointless. (99.9%)

06:00 Open Mail Online. Post stupid comments to wind the idiots up. Three packets of crisps, more cigarettes, four cold beers. Stiff brandy.

08:00 Last night’s curry microwaved and served on thickly buttered sliced white bread. (4 Slices) Back to bed for a bit.

11:45 Whisky and double pepperami pizza or cheddar cheese on toast. (4 slices) Try to write a story for the magazine. Treble brandy. Put reading glasses on to prevent double vision. Type rubbish for a few minutes. Give up. Large rum and coke. Doze off in chair watching This Morning.

15:15 Wake up starving. Microwaved corned beef on toast with four strong lagers. Exchange FB messages with Frankie, our staffer in the USA who hasn’t been well recently. Advise Frankie that he needs to switch to a healthy lifestyle.

16:45 Exercises. A brisk walk up the shops. Buy a case of strong lager. Kebab shop – mega doner with salad, chilli sauce, slice of pizza and two deep fried chicken breasts, southern style.

Don't Skimp On The Drink!

Don’t Skimp On The Drink!

17:15 Weight training. Putting beers in fridge.

18:00 More beer. With brandy, whisky and schnapps.

20:30 Up the chippy. Fish, chips and mushy peas, saveloy and pickled egg.

21:00 Neat vodka, box of Dairy Milk. Watch the news for a bit.

22:00 Supper – microwaved KFC Zinger burger with fries beans, gravy and coleslaw that I’d put in the fridge three days ago and forgotten about.

23:00 Half bottle of Merlot and bed.

It may not work for everybody but it works for me.

Martin Shuttlecock. Editor In Chief. Café Spike.

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McDonalds Not Inherently Evil – States Prominent Conspiracy Theorist

A Man With No Connection To McDonalds

A Man With No Connection To McDonalds

Following a barrage of negative publicity spanning a period of almost twenty years, the beleaguered fast food giant has gained a powerful – if unlikely – ally in the form of Internationally renowned Conspiracy Theorist – Professor Arthur Bostik.

It appears that Professor Bostik was moved to speak out following the online publication of a magazine article which squarely laid the blame for the disappearance of the Malaysian Boeing 777 on the Big Mac and fries retailer. The article alleged that the pilot of the aircraft had probably gone instantly and inexplicably insane as a result of eating McDonald’s burgers containing reclaimed meat, otherwise known as pink gunk.

“That’s just crazy,” Professor Bostik said. “These idiots are giving us reputable conspiracy theorists a bad name.” [Read more…]

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