Donald Trump Stole Kim Kardashian’s Bra, Swears Mail Reader

A distraught Kim pictured yesterday in Wolverhampton.

A distraught Kim pictured yesterday in Wolverhampton.

Avid Daily Mail reader Tom England is convinced that Donald Trump stole Kim Kardashian’s bra after pictures emerged of the reality TV star wearing a see-through top and no bra emerged on social media.

“When I saw the pictures of Kim all but showing her top bollocks off I knew straight away that somebody had stolen her bra, and that somebody has to be Donald Trump,” Mr England said last night. “He’s the only one who fits the bill. I used to be a Trump supporter but the recent revelations regarding his sexist exploits have put me right off him.

“It’s not at all like Kim to go out half dressed unless there’s a very good reason for it, and I’m convinced somebody stole her bra. Having completed an online course in criminal profiling I applied the basic principles to the case of Kim’s stolen bra and lo and behold, Donald Trump emerged as the prime suspect.

“My research has also revealed that Barack Obama has had full sex with Michelle Obama at least twice, that the Queen is really a man named Bert, and that Katie Price is a sex robot experiment that didn’t work out as planned.

“But of course the New World Order wouldn’t ever allow me to say such things in public. They’d have me assassinated or something.”

And…

That’s enough of that nonsense, thank you very much.

CS

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Concerns Raised Over Kim Kardashian’s Arse

Kim Kardashian's arse pictured yesterday.

Kim Kardashian’s arse pictured yesterday.

Concerned citizens in the Western world have been raising concerns over Kim Kardashian’s arse after it failed to appear in global media for two days running.

“This is most disconcerting indeed,” Dublin housewife Agnes Brown wrote on Facebook. “I’ve been through the Mail online with a fine tooth comb and there’s been no mention of Kim’s arse for at least two days. It just isn’t fecking good enough. I can’t possibly function on a day to day basis unless I’m kept fully informed as to what Kim’s arse is up to.”

To date, Kim Kardashian’s arse is the only arse in history to have broken the internet twice. It’s an arse that has earned its rightful place in history books as the only arse you can stand eight pints of Guinness on, and the arse that inspired tens of thousands of women to have their buttocks artificially inflated with gallons of whale blubber.

“In order to gain a glimmer of understanding about the universe, the cosmos and the planet we live on it’s vital that we be made aware of the status of Kim Kardashian’s arse,” said Professor Stephen Hawking in a somewhat robotic voice. “We need to know that Kim’s arse is in robust health and functioning properly, as opposed to being blocked up, violated or even having the screaming shits. It’s vital for the future of humanity that we be kept informed.”

Cafe Spike approached Kim Kardashian’s arse for comment and it responded with a fart. Somewhat surprisingly it smelt like shit and not Chanel No 9

Ted Pemberton

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