UKIP Voters More Bewildered Than Ever

Who's the Daddy now Nigel?

Who’s the Daddy now Nigel?

UKIP voters have never exactly been the sharpest suits on the rack, and now Lord Mustard Pants of Thanet’s mobility scooter mafia are even more bewildered as Nigel the idle idol gets pushed ever further into the background by the Westminster heavy mob.

It’s all very confusing for the terminally bewildered average UKIP voting intellectual featherweight.

Who to support now?

George Galloway?

A hard line left winger whose cat impressions on Celebrity Big Brother attracted more attention than anything he ever said in the house. The man who consorted with Gaddafi, Hamas, Hezbollah and pandered for the Muslim vote in Bradford under the Respect banner standing hand in hand with Nigel the patriot?

What the hell is going on?

Or Boris Johnson?

The Bullingdon Boy, David Cameron’s one-time bessie mate who might really be a Tory plant, because he’s certainly making ole Mustard Pants appear surplus to requirements?

All very confusing for the kippers.

Who don’t seem to know whether to fart, shit or pen an extremely angry letter to the DAILY EXPRESS.


Martin Shuttlecock


Daily Express Readers SLAM and BLAST Government Plans For Correct English

UKIP's Lord Mustard Pants of Thanet seen checking the UKIP bank balance last week.

UKIP’s Lord Mustard Pants of Thanet seen checking the UKIP bank balance last week.

Government plans to ensure that every UK resident should have an acceptable command of the English language, initially aimed at Islamic women has provoked an unexpected response from the most unlikely of sources – Daily Express readers.

“I can’t believe they’re investing £20 million in teaching Muslim economic migrants to speak and write decent English,” one FURIOUSLY OUTRAGED reader BLASTED and SLAMMED.What about us indigenous historic Britons who can’t talk or write English proper? They won’t pay us nothing to learn our own language but they don’t mind throwing money at the migrant scum. They’re all traitorous slags. Only Lord Nigel Mustard Pants of Thanet is qualified to run this country and as such he should be installed immediately in Downing Street. He’s the only patriot we have left. And he’d put the indigenous British population above the scrounging scum invading our country and destroying our traditional way of life so that WE can learn proper English too. Vote UKIP! VOTE OUT OF THE CORRUPT EU NOW!”

Although we weren’t quite sure where the irate Kipper was going with his BLASTING and SLAMMING, it’s our view that everyone should be entitled to a voice in the modern world and in the media, so there you go.

An independent analyst from the Department Of Inanity, a government think tank, told us:

“It’s common knowledge that Daily Express readers tend to have a poor command of both written and spoken English, although they’ve had a lifetime to learn it and experience exposure to it every day. For some reason, the comments on the DE’s online articles expose how crap most of them are at their native language. Most of them don’t seem to be able to even cast a critical eye over the dubious content of the articles they read on the DE website let alone post a coherent comment. If it’s racist in any way they lap it up like hungry kittens, yet they tell others to ignore mainstream media outlets. Our analysis revealed that they’re almost as illiterate as the wankers who post on the Britain First Facebook page. And that’s really saying something.”

When we spoke to a UKIP spokesman we were assured that: “Nigel Farage can do joined up writing, and that he’s currently working on the correct use of the apostrophe.”

Reg Bond for Cafe Spike


Why I Stopped Commenting On The Daily Express Online

Where the crazy people come out to play

Where the crazy people come out to play

Anyone who’s ever taken the trouble to look at the comments sections on Daily Express articles will undoubtedly have found it to be a very strange place indeed. There’s something remarkably other-worldly about this strange fantasy realm, along with its angry orc-like denizens. This is a land where failed politician Nigel Farage is elevated to Divine status, xenophobia is a virtue, and pent up fury is only ever as far away as the next blink of an eye.

It’s a place with a pack mentality and a language of its own; a place where spouting hate seems to be norm. Have the temerity to disagree in this strange land and be prepared to accept a virtual mauling. It’s no place for faint hearts – doubly so if you find being called a ‘traitor,’ a ‘lefty,’ or any number of other unsavoury labels offensive. Sitting in the guest of honour slot at the right hand of the Nigel is a new hero. Vladimir Putin is the new right wing hero because “he’s got balls and he doesn’t fanny about” when it comes to lobbing bombs about.

Something slightly ironic going on here methinks. Adherents of the right supporting a militaristic former KGB officer and lifelong Communist – until the wall came down and not much really changed for the average Russian, other than not being Communists any more. At least not officially. Very strange how the right laud this man, singing his praises over the internet whilst referring to the serving British Prime Minister as “CaMoron.” Almost all DE readers refer to the PM as “CaMoron.” I have no idea why they bother. Perhaps it’s intended to be witty, funny, ironic or even sarcastic, but whatever the reason, it isn’t any of those things. I’m no fan of Cameron myself; I just find it slightly ironic that a bunch of lifelong Conservatives (at least until they discovered UKIP) could be so traitorous ( a very popular word at the DE for all and sundry) to one of their own and even call the Tories ‘lefties.’

Another thing about this hero worship of Mr Putin that doesn’t appear to have been given a great deal of thought as the sabres are rattling – his bombing campaign in Syria is only likely to make the place even more intolerable than it already is for those remaining. So they’re going to flee. Which means more refugees. Which is odd because the readers who comment on the DE don’t like refugees at all, much less economic migrants. The general tone seems to suggest that these people are subhuman and as such ought to be blasted to smithereens. or at least shot. It doesn’t quite square up as a coherent argument, rather like everything UKIP ever says. It sounds dramatic but it makes no sense.

So what does a dissenting occasional columnist do? Joins the fray of course. Which is exactly what I did. I prodded and probed but mainly I just took the piss because what was being said on those pages hardly seemed worthy of formulating a coherent counter argument. In fact, most of it was completely barking mental.

What happens in online fora (or forums if you prefer) is that arguments are good. On the DE site hardly anybody argues because they all have the same opinion, which is repeated over and over again amidst a bit of backslapping. Dissenters usually get myriad responses, usually abusive at one level or another, and I got plenty of responses, at one or other of said levels, mainly it must be said abusive responses.

Abuse is fine by me – I’m used to it – but these people do their homework. Because I used my regular (open) Facebook page on log in, some genius had an idea to trace me and ‘out’ me to the world. Now that’s a piece of detective work even the legendary Holmes would have been proud of. (Not really – it just involved a couple of Google searches that a five year old could have executed.)

And the next move? Well, some genius decided to hint that they know where I live and that they know my home telephone number, and posted some of the detail they’d ‘uncovered’ along with a sort of thinly veiled threat to reveal this ‘secret information’ to extreme right wing groups.’  Basically being patriotic and ‘proper’ British and sort of a way of saying: “We can hurt you.” Which resulted in comments on the relevant thread becoming  disabled, because that sort of thing – although it may be democratic (according to personal interpretation) – it is ‘slightly’ illegal.

So after going for a really big shit – not because of them; it was the chicken jalfrezi – I went back and told them I wasn’t going anywhere.

And guess what? No call, no knock on the door – pretty much business as usual. Just empty threats from keyboard warriors with delusions of grandeur.

Having said that, I am concerned that one of them might post dog shit through my letter box while I’m either out or not looking, because that’s the way these people go into battle.

But it hasn’t happened yet. Thing is, I’d rather talk about any issues with these people but they don’t seem capable of discourse. But I have thought of a solution to that. We can meet over a pint in a local pub and converse via email so that they can get their point across by using the ‘CAPS LOCK’ button. No need for any disruption to other customers that way and it keeps the noise levels down.
It was fun for a few days, from the non-existent bacon sandwich ban, to the fictional police ban on wearing a patch in honour of fallen colleagues, through the usual racist and xenophobic nonsense which litter the pages in glorious profusion. Taking the piss was easy, but after a very short time the amusement value faded. After a short time the paranoia on display – the desire to convert Europe to Islam, the Coudenhove-Kalergi plan, the New World Order, the Bilderberg Group – loses its madcap lustre and it all gets very dull indeed. Recently the DE has developed almost as an extension of nut-job groups like Britain First, the EDL and Pegida, which is an insane standpoint for any national newspaper.

So I announced that I was leaving, and got some warm farewell messages (Warm as in I got the impression they’d have been delighted to set me on fire.) and I called it a day.

There’s an old saying that says you can’t preach to the converted, and there’s a great deal of truth in that, but to be brutally honest I think the main reason I stopped taking the piss on the DE is that it’s such a depressing experience. I suppose it’s what happens when you get a small group of like minded delusional people actually believing that they speak for the majority. It’s a bit like having shackles removed at the moment, a blessed relief not to feel the urge to go there.

Unless it’s for the occasional foray in order to rip the piss out of Nigel Farage.

Never say never.

Martin Shuttlecock