Don’t Mention The Prime Minister And The Pig

Not quite a pig's ear of it.

Not quite a pig’s ear of it.

What is it with our political leaders and pigs? Ed Miliband gained notoriety for his agonised expression during the run up to the General Election as he manfully attempted to eat a bacon sandwich, and now David Cameron… As disturbing revelations surface in a tell-all book by Cameron’s former chum Lord Ashcroft, it’s probably better not to mention the pig.

Nationwide, people are spluttering over their toast and marmalade at the breakfast table as the pig story hits the headlines. Can it be true? Could a serving Prime Minister have once done something unspeakable with a pig?

Was it just the head?

Or was the body attached?

And what of the legs?

You won't squeal will you?

You won’t squeal will you?

These are questions probably best left unanswered. We don’t know what happened because we weren’t there, so for us to comment or pass judgement over what may or may not have happened according to an uncorroborated allegation would simply be wrong.

Although why anybody would want to do such a thing with a dead pig’s head remains a mystery to us. Where’s the motivation? Who could possibly stand by and watch a rich toff allegedly plonk his old chap in a dead pig’s mouth and perform a sex act on it and find such an act clever or even mildly amusing?

What’s the point?

Did nobody have the presence of mind to take a metaphorical step back and suggest quietly to our future PM that fucking a dead pig’s head might not be such a good idea? Especially in front of witnesses?

“Hang on Dave old chap, before you… ahem… rise to the occasion, so to speak, it might be a good idea to think this through. There are witnesses for a start, and Binky over there has a camera. Be warned. One day you may become Prime Minister, participate in high level meetings with powerful international leaders. You might even get to meet the Pope! Do you honestly think these people in the future will respect some chap who once shagged a dead pig’s head? And if you get married and have kids? Your kids will never live it down at school, and your future wife will never be completely at ease with you in moments of intimacy knowing you’ve podged a porker’s nut. She’s going to wonder where the bloody hell else you’ve put it. You can maybe get over the weed and the Charlie allegations but if you poke that dead pig’s gob you’ll never live it down.”

Or something along those lines at least.

But apparently not. At least if Lord Ashcroft is to be believed. Of course it remains a possibility that Lord Ashcroft is just a bitter and twisted individual with a malicious agenda.

We don’t know if these allegations are true or not, but we’ll certainly never look at the Prime Minister again without a vague feeling of unease.

Paddy Berzinski, Oink Oink News Corporation.