Spurned Husband Gives Love Rival Dirty Look

A happily married couple pictured in 1970's Torquay

A happily married couple pictured in 1970’s Torquay

Spurned husband, Julian Whiterock – who has been accused by his soon to be ex-wife, Jane Whiterock of being boorish, self centred, controlling, obsessive, slightly psychopathic, megalomaniacal and sexually deviant – got one over on his love rival by giving him a dirty look upon encountering him in the sliced bread aisle of a local supermarket.

The Whiterocks, who are in the process of divorcing since Julian’s behaviour became impossible to tolerate face a difficult situation, given that Jane has started seeing another man.

“I’m not having it,” Julian raged at the wet fish counter. “She married me for richer, for poorer, better or worse, in sickness and in health and that’s how things are and always will be. I know it’s rather unusual having a love triangle showdown in a supermarket but when I saw my wife with that man in the bread aisle something inside me snapped, and I gave him the dirtiest of dirty looks. This isn’t over yet, believe me.”

Jane Whiterock countered that Julian had treated her like shit for the most part of their marriage and that he’d refused to respond to counselling, or to change his ways.

“So what?” Julian fumed. “I’m the man of the house aren’t I? AND THAT is why I gave him the dirty look. Quite frankly he deserves it.”

The ‘other man’ in the tormented love triangle, Stephen Richardson reported that he hadn’t even noticed that Julian Whiterock was simultaneously shopping in the same supermarket, and claimed not to have noticed either Julian or the reported dirty look.

“I didn’t even notice that Julian was there,” said Stephen Richardson, the ‘other man.’ “And I don’t mean to appear rude but we’ll be approaching the checkout soon and I want to get some Belgian buns, a Ben and Jerry’s, an Eton Mess and a bottle of Courvoisier for Jane for when we spend Saturday night in watching a movie. She likes stuff like that. Toodle pip.”

“Don’t think you’ve heard the last of this,” Julian seethed at the checkout. “I’ve just bought her a foot spa, three cans of deodorant, a packet of corn plasters and a cook book by Rick Stein. There’s only ever going to be one winner in this love triangle. You’ll see.”

*Renowned TV chef Rick Stein was unavailable for comment but witnesses reported seeing Jane Whiterock leaving the supermarket carpark accompanied by Stephen Richardson in a Volkswagen Golf at roughly the same time Julian Whiterock crashed his BMW into a petrol pump.

If it’s any consolation we don’t know what any of this means either.

Cafe Spike.


A wife is for life – not just for Christmas

How Wives Used To Be Back In The Good Old Days

How Wives Used To Be Back In The Good Old Days

British League Of Wives (BLOW) is set to launch a concerted television advertising campaign aimed at men, with the objective of raising awareness among men – who take a wife solely in order to have somebody handy over the Christmas holiday period to make meals and generally wait on them hand and foot – that such behaviour is just not on.

“It’s just not on,” said Sandra Bloefeld of BLOW. “This is the 21st century after all. The days when women would spend all day in the kitchen slaving over a hot stove and traipsing back and forth from the fridge with endless cold beers for their fat lazy arsed husbands are long gone.”

Disturbingly for women everywhere, a report compiled by the Department of Intuition reveals that the percentage of men who take a wife for Christmas before kicking them out immediately after the holiday is over, averages out at a staggering 93%

Abandoned wives charities such as Battersea Wives Home complain that the January abandonments place tremendous strain on resources, leaving many unable to cope with the deluge.

“We need to change attitudes dramatically,” Sandra Bloefeld told us. “Men need to realise that the cute, sexy, subservient wife they married in December will grow into a strong, independent woman; one who will soon tire of running around after a lazy spouse, and develop a range of complex character traits, such as demanding that the husband leave the toilet seat down, that he occasionally ought to get up off his arse and get cracking with those long overdue DIY projects and realise that occasionally at bed time she really will have a headache.”

“Well I’m not going to change my attitude for any bloody woman,” said Joe Calderbank, who has had three wives for Christmas and kicked them all out by the second of January. “They’re all cute and cuddly for a bit, and then comes the nagging, the moaning, the burnt dinners and the fights over the TV remote. Well they can piss off. I’ll get another one this Christmas – probably a nice Thai model – but if she starts getting bloody stroppy she’ll be out on her ear by January and no mistake.”

We asked Joe if he was aware of the strain imposed on abandoned womens’ charities by negligent husbands such as him and whether he had any regrets about abandoning wives into the January cold, he responded:

“Those charities get shedloads of money off the public and they should be grateful that blokes like me keep them in a job. In answer to the second part of your question: Do I balls regret it. When you buy your Christmas turkey you chuck it out once it’s eaten, once it’s outlived its usefulness. There’s no point hanging on to it. It’s the same with wives. If they aren’t up to the task they need to be discarded. No point in having them stink the place out for years to come.”

Sandra Bloefeld had the last word on the matter, as she sharpened a carving knife and stormed out of our office saying:

“I’m going to slice that sexist pig’s knackers right off.”

More as we get it.