“Extremists Have Drugged Our Water Supply”

Some water pictured a while ago. (Contains massive aircraft carrier)

Some water pictured a while ago. (Contains massive aircraft carrier)

As implausible as the headline may sound, Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University stands firmly by today’s statement after having conducted an exhaustive two year study.

“There’s no other possible explanation,” Professor Mist said. “The evidence is all around us. Our nation has become totally paranoid as the most cursory glance at our media and society reveals. Everybody’s gone completely mental, from the Prime Minister all the way down to that bloke from East Grinstead who parades around the town all day wearing a nautical hat, blowing a whistle and saluting passing traffic whilst standing rigidly to attention at traffic lights.

“There’s no doubt that as a nation we’ve lost the plot. We’ve all gone bonkers.

“The only rational explanation is that some crackpot extremist organisation has drugged our water supply. The only thing I can suggest is that people eat more beetroot. I’m not sure why though.”



Why I Stopped Commenting On The Daily Express Online

Where the crazy people come out to play

Where the crazy people come out to play

Anyone who’s ever taken the trouble to look at the comments sections on Daily Express articles will undoubtedly have found it to be a very strange place indeed. There’s something remarkably other-worldly about this strange fantasy realm, along with its angry orc-like denizens. This is a land where failed politician Nigel Farage is elevated to Divine status, xenophobia is a virtue, and pent up fury is only ever as far away as the next blink of an eye.

It’s a place with a pack mentality and a language of its own; a place where spouting hate seems to be norm. Have the temerity to disagree in this strange land and be prepared to accept a virtual mauling. It’s no place for faint hearts – doubly so if you find being called a ‘traitor,’ a ‘lefty,’ or any number of other unsavoury labels offensive. Sitting in the guest of honour slot at the right hand of the Nigel is a new hero. Vladimir Putin is the new right wing hero because “he’s got balls and he doesn’t fanny about” when it comes to lobbing bombs about.

Something slightly ironic going on here methinks. Adherents of the right supporting a militaristic former KGB officer and lifelong Communist – until the wall came down and not much really changed for the average Russian, other than not being Communists any more. At least not officially. Very strange how the right laud this man, singing his praises over the internet whilst referring to the serving British Prime Minister as “CaMoron.” Almost all DE readers refer to the PM as “CaMoron.” I have no idea why they bother. Perhaps it’s intended to be witty, funny, ironic or even sarcastic, but whatever the reason, it isn’t any of those things. I’m no fan of Cameron myself; I just find it slightly ironic that a bunch of lifelong Conservatives (at least until they discovered UKIP) could be so traitorous ( a very popular word at the DE for all and sundry) to one of their own and even call the Tories ‘lefties.’

Another thing about this hero worship of Mr Putin that doesn’t appear to have been given a great deal of thought as the sabres are rattling – his bombing campaign in Syria is only likely to make the place even more intolerable than it already is for those remaining. So they’re going to flee. Which means more refugees. Which is odd because the readers who comment on the DE don’t like refugees at all, much less economic migrants. The general tone seems to suggest that these people are subhuman and as such ought to be blasted to smithereens. or at least shot. It doesn’t quite square up as a coherent argument, rather like everything UKIP ever says. It sounds dramatic but it makes no sense.

So what does a dissenting occasional columnist do? Joins the fray of course. Which is exactly what I did. I prodded and probed but mainly I just took the piss because what was being said on those pages hardly seemed worthy of formulating a coherent counter argument. In fact, most of it was completely barking mental.

What happens in online fora (or forums if you prefer) is that arguments are good. On the DE site hardly anybody argues because they all have the same opinion, which is repeated over and over again amidst a bit of backslapping. Dissenters usually get myriad responses, usually abusive at one level or another, and I got plenty of responses, at one or other of said levels, mainly it must be said abusive responses.

Abuse is fine by me – I’m used to it – but these people do their homework. Because I used my regular (open) Facebook page on log in, some genius had an idea to trace me and ‘out’ me to the world. Now that’s a piece of detective work even the legendary Holmes would have been proud of. (Not really – it just involved a couple of Google searches that a five year old could have executed.)

And the next move? Well, some genius decided to hint that they know where I live and that they know my home telephone number, and posted some of the detail they’d ‘uncovered’ along with a sort of thinly veiled threat to reveal this ‘secret information’ to extreme right wing groups.’  Basically being patriotic and ‘proper’ British and sort of a way of saying: “We can hurt you.” Which resulted in comments on the relevant thread becoming  disabled, because that sort of thing – although it may be democratic (according to personal interpretation) – it is ‘slightly’ illegal.

So after going for a really big shit – not because of them; it was the chicken jalfrezi – I went back and told them I wasn’t going anywhere.

And guess what? No call, no knock on the door – pretty much business as usual. Just empty threats from keyboard warriors with delusions of grandeur.

Having said that, I am concerned that one of them might post dog shit through my letter box while I’m either out or not looking, because that’s the way these people go into battle.

But it hasn’t happened yet. Thing is, I’d rather talk about any issues with these people but they don’t seem capable of discourse. But I have thought of a solution to that. We can meet over a pint in a local pub and converse via email so that they can get their point across by using the ‘CAPS LOCK’ button. No need for any disruption to other customers that way and it keeps the noise levels down.
It was fun for a few days, from the non-existent bacon sandwich ban, to the fictional police ban on wearing a patch in honour of fallen colleagues, through the usual racist and xenophobic nonsense which litter the pages in glorious profusion. Taking the piss was easy, but after a very short time the amusement value faded. After a short time the paranoia on display – the desire to convert Europe to Islam, the Coudenhove-Kalergi plan, the New World Order, the Bilderberg Group – loses its madcap lustre and it all gets very dull indeed. Recently the DE has developed almost as an extension of nut-job groups like Britain First, the EDL and Pegida, which is an insane standpoint for any national newspaper.

So I announced that I was leaving, and got some warm farewell messages (Warm as in I got the impression they’d have been delighted to set me on fire.) and I called it a day.

There’s an old saying that says you can’t preach to the converted, and there’s a great deal of truth in that, but to be brutally honest I think the main reason I stopped taking the piss on the DE is that it’s such a depressing experience. I suppose it’s what happens when you get a small group of like minded delusional people actually believing that they speak for the majority. It’s a bit like having shackles removed at the moment, a blessed relief not to feel the urge to go there.

Unless it’s for the occasional foray in order to rip the piss out of Nigel Farage.

Never say never.

Martin Shuttlecock


It’s Squeaky Bum Time For US Satire Site As ISIS Roll Into Texas

Sad Tired World's EIC Burgess Butthole - Shitting Bricks Today

Sad Tired World’s EIC Burgess Butthole – Shitting Bricks Today

A little known group of writers (we can’t really call them satirists) who contribute to an online ‘satirical’ publication which bills itself as, “one of the most interesting and funny sites on the web, with thousands of articles from a conservative slant” are reported to be shitting themselves today following the revelation that ISIS have claimed responsibility for a foiled attack on an extremist meeting in Garland, Texas, which left two perpetrators dead and a security guard injured.

The ‘writers’ involved have a long history of stoking anti-Islamic sentiment, and of repeatedly insulting the Prophet, going back years to the days when they were banned from other websites after dogmatically refusing to refrain from peddling their twisted brand of hate and bigotry, and stamping their feet like a kid throwing a tantrum when they couldn’t get their own way.

Eventually the small group of societal misfits went on to form their own website, which continues to spew out racist, sexist, homophobic and anti-Islamic material, but according to some cyber experts the attack in Garland has “put the willies right up ’em.”

Cafe Spike’s very own Martin Shuttlecock has had a number of run-ins with these people. Here’s what he had to say.

“These guys seemed okay at first,” he said. “Writing dumb late-middle-aged sexual fantasies about young celebrities, but then a darker, more sinister aspect began to rear its ugly head. They started ganging up on other contributors and launching outright hate and smear campaigns against anyone who had the temerity to oppose their extreme political stance – which was slightly to the right of the KKK.

“It all started to go wrong for them when they flew into a collective hissy-fit when one publisher declined to accept a story inciting ‘Piss On A Mosque Day’ and despite some good advice from other writers they were pretty insulting towards the publisher, to the point where they were banned from the site.

“I told them myself that if a UK based publisher had published that article he or she would be leaving themselves open to criminal charges and possibly even imprisonment. Their response to that was that the publisher was a weak, insecure chickenshit. Which of course he wasn’t – he merely conducted himself like a responsible adult.

“They then moved on to a website based in India which had no publishing restrictions and between them pretty much destroyed it, to the point where it no longer has an online presence.

“So they started up their own site, and to be quite frank it’s pure dreck. All it consists of is a series of vicious rants and nasty insults hurled at the President, the Democrats, anyone who disagrees with them, and… erm…myself and a few other people.

“They were just too daft to make arseholes out of really, and about as funny as getting yourself skinned alive by a psycho wielding a potato peeler. We just ignored them.

“What made me think of them today was the attack on the cartoon contest in Garner, which ISIS claimed responsibility for. These goons who’ve been publishing their hate crap for some time now seemed to think that Islamic extremism was fair game for them, because that sort of stuff only happens on the other side of the world. Now it’s happened in Texas, and could happen anywhere in the USA or around the world, they’ll be shitting themselves. They’re just a bunch of clapped out old fart keyboard warriors with more bluster than is good for them.

“It’ll be interesting to see how brave and outspoken they are today. My money says they’ll be huddled in their Mommas’ basements adjusting the straps on their tin-foil helmets.”

*Cafe Spike does not endorse hate-filled material of any description, but we do like frank and open discussion and the odd spot of blatant piss-taking.

**And remember kids – never be afraid to prod an idiot with a pointed stick.

Paddy Berzinski