Apple MacBook Pro a massive disappointment says local man

Shuttlecock - still banned from the Express comments section despite owning a MacBook Pro which has been a massive disappointment.

Shuttlecock – still banned from the Express comments section despite owning a MacBook Pro which has been a massive disappointment.

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, who invested in a state of the art Apple MacBook Pro laptop computer some time ago has declared that his investment has given him little more than massive disappointment.

“My Apple MacBook pro laptop computer has been a massive disappointment to be honest with you,” said Shuttlecock, who found his Apple MacBook Pro laptop computer to be a massive disappointment according to reports. “I was expecting a whole new world of information technology and online entertainment to open up before me and it simply didn’t happen.

“Once I’d plugged it in and got it up and running it proved to be no better than my old Dell laptop, the one covered in fag ash and beer spillage.

“I was expecting a dramatic improvement in my Facebook page, but it was just the same old shite as usual, and even on my Apple MacBook Pro laptop the Express comments sections are still frequented by the same depressing nutters, as is the Mail online, which contains exactly the same bullshit as it did on the old Dell laptop. I really do think Apple need to up their game if they’re going to be competitive and justify charging extortionate prices for hardware that just spews out the same old crap day after day.

“I even looked at my own website, and it was just as crap as it was on the old fag burn scarred Dell.

“And still nobody likes or shares our stuff. If you ask me, I’d say Apple need to sort their act out.

“This MacBook Pro has just been a massive disappointment.”

More as we get it.

* Next week – Shuttlecock reveals why his new LG HD 3D TV is a massive disappointment because there’s fuck all on it worth watching.


UKIP Supporters Accuse Mail Online Of Cynical Ratings Manipulation

A Furious UKIP Fan Pictured This Morning

A Furious UKIP Fan Pictured This Morning

Commenters on UKIP articles on the Mail Online have accused the site moderators of cynically manipulating the up/down red/green arrow ratings in order to discredit UKIP and make the party’s supporters appear no better than a bunch of paranoid, ranting lunatics.

“It’s a sneaky, underhand tactic designed to discredit Nigel and the party,” one told us. “If people post anything complimentary about Nigel, the red arrows come flying in like the clappers, yet negative comments get similarly green arrowed. It’s obviously a fix.”

In order to test the conspiracy theory we interviewed a bloke down the pub who just happened to be reading a copy of the Mail. He told us that he looks at the paper’s online website too and that he didn’t see any obvious indications of arrow rigging.

“I’m a Conservative myself,” he told us. “But I am in no way biased against UKIP. I just follow the party line and quite frankly I agree that they’re a bunch of swivel eyed loons. They probably get so many down votes on the website because they’re all as nutty as fruitcakes and never stop twatting on about Nigel and complaining about the EU. That and the fact that they’re only on about twelve percent in the polls, which means that eighty eight percent of people don’t agree with them. I’ll be glad when they get their two seats or whatever they’re expecting and bloody shut up. They get on my nerves.”

“It’s a joke is that arrow based scoring system,” one UKIP supporter complained. “They obviously manipulate the statistics because the whole world knows exactly how important the red and green arrows on a website populated almost exclusively by lunatics are. Putin does the same thing with his hired stooges in Russia. They’re all in it together you know, the Mail, Putin, the lefties, the Muslims, the EUSSR, the Greens and the Jihadists. And the reason why they do it is because they’re all afraid of Nigel and the UKIP revolution, but we’ll have the last laugh when Nigel is in Downing Street and we’ve taken our country back.”

Yes, of course you will. You haven’t really thought this through, have you?

Paddy Berzinski


China Now World Leader In Weird News Stories

It’s official! 98% of the entire output of weird world news stories emanate from China.


It seems that if a toddler crawls out onto a 20th floor ledge, a woman gives birth on the toilet and the newborn is instantly washed down the sewers, a person miraculously survives a 500 foot fall from bamboo scaffolding whilst erecting a skyscraper, an entire family die from eating poison fish or some bloke who got drunk and passed out at a party before dying because his mates thought it would be rib-ticklingly hilarious to wedge a live eel up his arse – you can bet on one thing.

It happened in China.

Also, it was probably reported in that bastion of journalistic credibility – mail online.

But are these articles true?

Here at Café Spike we don’t really know all that much about life in China, having never been there. We would have imagined it as being a place undergoing rapid industrial expansion, a place where people work 19 hour days in sweatshop conditions churning out the entire gamut of consumer goods ranging from iPads and iPhones to designer drugs and powdered rhino horn aphrodisiacs.

When they aren’t preoccupied by carving poached elephant tusks into some kind of statuary – usually involving an Oriental lady brandishing a parasol.

Apparently tiger balm is quite useful too – unless you happen to be a tiger.

It’s either that or a bunch of old people doing Tai-Chi in city squares in homage to the late Bruce Lee – who depicted Chinese life in his movies as ‘mainly a lot of noisy fighting.’

So, is China the epicentre of global weirdness? Are the people really inscrutable? Do they all attack tanks with a bag of shopping? Do they really eat that crap they sell over here in Chinese takeaways or is it just some huge enduring national joke?

Or is it just that it’s hard to confirm all these Chinese ‘weird’ stories so they aren’t really open to question, allowing lazy journos to knock off at midday and spend the rest of the day in the pub?

We don’t know the answer to that, but we do know that when we tried to lay a bet on most of these stories being utter BS nobody would take it.

Not even BetFred.

More as we get it.


Ten Bloody Good Reasons To Vote UKIP

In Nigel We Trust

In Nigel We Trust

We want our country back! Oh yes indeedy! And who’s the ideal man for the job? Is it ‘Do Nothing Dave’ or ‘Clegg The Peg’? Or even the Millipede chap who talks like he has a mouth full of old socks? We don’t think so. If we all truly want to reclaim our nation and our glorious empire for the benefit of our future Irish/Germanic/Jewish/Muslim/Sikh/Hindu ancestors and Daily Mail readers there really is only one way to vote.

On the surface it may not appear to amount to much in the way of political strategy, given that UKIP appear to have no political strategy whatsoever – other than to withdraw from the European Union – and then probably have a rethink at some point regarding where exactly we all go from there, which nobody seems to have a clue about – apart from Nigel.

Who has a plan.

Although he appears to be reluctant to divulge it to the electorate.

Probably because it’s Top Secret and such a masterstroke of utter genius that Nigel will deliver us all from evil in Ye Olde Red Lion in Henley on Thames in much the same way as Hitler succeeded in the Beer Hall Putsch in Munich.

Although it’s doubtful Nigel would attempt such a coup in a Bierkeller – that would be far too European.

And Nigel’s a GEEZER!

We know our history.

Here’s ten reasons to vote UKIP

1 – Nigel likes a pint. Anyone who likes a pint is okay by us, and is obviously in touch with the man on the street. He likes pubs too so he can’t possibly be all bad.

2 – Nigel likes the odd bacon butty. Even committed vegans occasionally hanker after a bacon butty, so that’s a good indicator of something or other. And not only does Nigel enjoy the odd bacon butty – he knows how to eat the damn thing. Manfully. With purpose. Taking huge bites and chomping on his Warburton’s medium sliced and smoked back bacon with ketchup like a man on a mission. Not like the Millipede fellow, or Do Nothing Dave making a mockery of noshing on a Cornish Pasty wearing an expression like he was eating a maggot infested apple. Nigel rocks!

3 – Nigel doesn’t seem too keen on Romanians. Nige once legendarily revealed that he wouldn’t feel as comfortable living next door to a house full of Romanian men as he would living next door to a house full of German men. And to be brutally honest, we wouldn’t feel altogether sure about a house full of any men living next door. Houses full of men are a bit iffy at best, we reckon. Unless the house in question happens to be a fire station or a police station. So he totally nailed that one.

4 – He married a German, so he obviously isn’t racist. So no worries there then unless you happen to be a Romanian man living next door to him with eleven of your cousins.

5 – Nigel used to be a Conservative, ‘used to be’ being the operative words. Too many people accuse the Cameron chap of being indecisive and weak. When Nigel found that out he had it away on his toes sharpish. Sources reckon he thought that the Conservatives were way too left wing for his liking and not nearly tough enough on benefit scroungers and illegal immigrants. Or any immigrants whatsoever. Allegedly.

6 – Nigel distinctly does not believe in nepotism or any kind of corruption in politics. He genuinely does employ his German wife as his private secretary because she’s the only person on the planet capable of doing the job. Apart from probably Carol Vorderman, but her wage demands would probably have proved prohibitive.

7 – Nigel’s father worked as stockbroker, and Nigel himself declined a university education so he could work in the City. So he knows how it works, unlike the other political party leaders who were wasting their time dressing up like buffoons in their Bullingdon Club togs and ridiculing the oiks. Nigel worked at the coal face (figuratively speaking) so he knows the script. He probably wrote some of it. A vote for UKIP ensures that we’ll get a Prime Monster who can find his way around the system without the need of a dodgy Romanian manufactured sat-nav.

8 – Nigel has sorted out the ‘swivel eyed loons’ in the UKIP ranks with surgical precision. According to insiders he sent all the swivel eyed loons to a Romanian optometrist in Bucharest who specialises in eyeball training. It seems they’re all still loons but they’ve trained hard and can now prevent their eyeballs from swivelling.



9 – Mail Online readers love UKIP. Read the comments in Mail Online articles relating to anything vaguely connected to Europe or immigration and they mainly say the same thing. We want our country back! Vote UKIP! So what? You may well ask. Given that the Mail’s website is the most popular newspaper website on earth, with its impeccable reputation for accurate and typo free reporting its readers and commenters must be right. The Mail obviously has the most politically savvy readership of any organ, so they can’t possibly be even remotely misguided. Even if a lot of them do accidentally leave ‘Caps Lock’ on for no explicable reason most of the time.

10 – UKIP have a solid policy for governance. Nobody seems to know quite what it is yet, but when we pull out of Europe we’ll be able to go back to the good old days of Empire and export curries and kebabs alongside call centre activities to places like the Windward Islands and everything will be hunky dory.

So there you have it.

I’m voting UKIP. Feel free to join me.

Reporter: Paddy Berzinski (Not Romanian – honest.)


Express Takes Over From Mail Online In The Controversial Comments Stakes

Who's The Daddy Now?

Who’s The Daddy Now?

There hasn’t been much to speak of in terms of good news recently, as we’re sure you don’t need reminding. Civilians being bombed in Gaza, IS running amok in Syria and Iraq, the ugly spectre of racist policing being a fact of life in the USA, Ebola, and the ice bucket challenge. A quick pootle around the internet confirms all of the above and more, and as our leaders enter into crisis talks concerning national security at various holiday destinations around the globe, one is left wondering how such seemingly intractable problems are ever going to be resolved.

In fairness to Britain, Home Secretary Theresa May has acted swiftly and decisively, demonstrating leadership of Churchillian proportions by vowing to punish returning Jihadists with…ASBO’s… (Anti-Social Behaviour Orders – similar to the type of ASBO you’d get for playing loud music all night or persistently pissing in your neighbour’s wheelie bin…)

Here at Café Spike we aren’t overtly political – we tend to believe in doing the right thing – but Ms May’s deterrent to those guys out in Syria or Iraq who are beheading and crucifying people seems to be laughably inadequate.

“Best not cut his head off Razza…we don’t want the old Bill waiting for us at Stratford when we get back. Could end up wiv an ASBO bruv…”

We don’t know what the solution is, if indeed there is one, but a great many people do. They are the ones who post comments on sites like the Mail and Express online.

IS ASBO Protest Demo. "Theresa May has got us shitting ourselves with her ASBO threats" one reported.

IS ASBO Protest Demo. “Theresa May has got us shitting ourselves with her ASBO threats” one reported.

Now, the Mail comments have long had a reputation for being right wing and extremely intolerant, not to mention outspoken. The less popular Express site we at Café Spike had largely regarded as irrelevant – until we looked at it recently. And whilst the Islamic State fighters may not actually be shitting themselves at the prospect of an ASBO – the keyboard warriors here in the UK and elsewhere certainly appear to be a cause for concern, as they try to out-UKIP one another.

The general consensus appears to be that had UKIP been in power here in the UK that civilian airliners wouldn’t have been shot down, the whole middle east situation would never have happened and that the American police would have eliminated ethnic minorities decades ago.

Perhaps these commentators’ views would carry more weight if the keyboard warriors could actually achieve some sort of command of their mother tongue, and perhaps not express their views in shouty upper case letters strewn flamboyantly with half of the global supply of exclamation marks.

And the Express comments won our ‘Oh My God!’ award when one thicko described the Notting Hill Carnival as the “Ebola and street crime festival.”

It’s good to know that our nation’s heritage is in good hands.

It could be worse – these people could have their fingers hovering over the button…


MH17 – Conspiracy Theorist Nutjobs Swarm The Net

A picture Of The Plane We Found On The Internet

A picture Of The Plane We Found On The Internet

It had to happen. A civil airliner gets shot down over a war zone in Eastern Europe with the tragic loss of 298 innocent lives – including 80 children – and the nutters are all over the internet blaming the USA, President Obama, the Illuminati, the Rothschilds and quite possibly the Uruguayan footballer Luis Suarez. It seems inconceivable that somebody’s primary assessment of an international war crime involves the twisted thought processes of these nutjobs which appear to be: “How can we tie this in with our crackpot conspiracy theories?”

Hard to believe isn’t it. We started by looking at the comments section of the Daily Mail website. Here’s a small sample of what we unearthed.

Ping-Pong, Cairo, Egypt, 11 hours ago

He has a point. Guess we’ll never know the truth. The US are very good in covering their traces. Just like they did in 9/11 and the other Malaysian flight.

Read more:
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

Mayasmum, Glasgow, United Kingdom, 3 hours ago

As another commenter pointed out, this plane was the original missing plane. Every new report that comes out makes it more and more evident. Obama sure wants to pick a fight with Putin and get a war started.

Read more:
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

Iamyouonlydifferent, Telford, United Kingdom, 3 hours ago

What if the plane was the the other plane that went missing and who ever did it though of a clever way of disposing of the evidence it does seem a little strange 2 Malaysian flights could have such extreme endings with in months of each other

Read more:
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

In fairness to Mail readers these comments were almost universally condemned for the utter nonsense that they really are, but the worrying thing is that a certain section of our society seem absolutely hell bent on discarding the reality of a tragic situation and twisting it to fit their own warped agendas. It doesn’t take a genius to work out what happened, and we wouldn’t insult our readers’ intelligence by offering our own interpretation. It was obviously brought down by a remote controlled reptilian spaceship drone under the command of Lex Luthor. Or something even more sinister.

Understand, we here at Café Spike aren’t trying to glean any sort of humorous slant on a terrible crime – but we are sincerely determined to poke idiots with sharp sticks when they deserve it. And these deluded idiots really deserve it. And this crap is all over the internet. This gem from Twitter:

Goon✈ @tarmacGoon
@damochandler don’t believe the media mh17 is mh370 same plane different flight number! Massive conspiracy

It’s sad that people seem to relish the opportunity of exploiting a terrible event in order to promote some crackpot conspiracy theory. These are probably the same lunatics who allege that there were no planes involved in 9/11 and that the whole thing was some elaborate 3D holographic illusion and believe in the powers of thermite as a demolition tool.

An Internet Search Revealed That This Guy - Igor Girkin - Might Have Been Involved But It Makes It Less Interesting For Conspiracy Theorists Because He Isn't A Dark Shadow

An Internet Search Revealed That This Guy – Igor Girkin – Might Have Been Involved But It Makes It Less Interesting For Conspiracy Theorists Because He Isn’t A Dark Shadow

This is where things get dangerous in the real world – if investigators acted like conspiracy theorists they’d believe any load of old crap that anyone told them and spend the rest of their lives chasing their own tails and achieve precisely nothing.

Of course, if you choose to believe that Elvis and Michael Corleone were the shooters on the grassy knoll in 1963, that the planes on 9/11 were remote controlled by CIA agents or that the Queen of England is a shape shifting reptile who feasts on live human babies in secret rituals, then that is your right.

Just don’t write to us about it. We have a delete button and we aren’t afraid to use it.


Paddy Berzinski reporting for Café Spike