Titchfield Councillor calls for withdrawal from Fareham Market

Lord Mustard Pants Of Thanet - still smiling despite becoming an endangered species.

Somebody who vaguely resembles Councillor Cheeseman pictured before he got leathered down the pub recently.

Titchfield TCIP (Titchfield and Catisfield Independence Party) councillor Nobby Cheeseman has called on Titchfield traders to withdraw from Fareham market on the basis that that the market is undemocratic, a dictatorship, and that Fareham Borough Council’s stance on imported cheeses from outside farmers’ markets and French markets is devaluing traditional Titchfield cheese producers.

“We must retake Titchfield and regain control over our cheese market,” Councillor Cheeseman said over a pint and a ploughman’s at Titchfield Mill. “I’m not cheesist in any way but when Titchfield cheese producers put their goods on offer at Fareham Market there’s way too much red tape and they’re subjected to extortionate fees for stall rental and, quite frankly outrageous parking fees. We need to get out now and start our own cheese market. I’ve heard there’s a massive demand for Titchfield cheeses in outer Mongolia, and that’s how we should be looking at this issue. There’s a global market out there, so why bother with Fareham? It doesn’t make sense and it’s a bad deal for Titchfield. Our cheesemakers contribute about £350 per week to Fareham Borough Council, and that money would be better spent on First Aid courses at the village hall. We should have it painted on the side of a transit van or something to promote awareness.”

Local dimwit and aspiring politician Tom Slavish commented: “I’m not sure what’s happening here to be honest but I’ll assess the situation, test the waters and then come out on the side of whoever’s winning the argument.”

More as we get it.

Cafe Spike


Would YOU Buy Something From This Woman?

It’s the question that has the entire global internet buzzing, and even according to certain sources (Probably the poxy Daily Express) the alien invaders are joining in too.

Yet nobody seems to know WHY.

“I’d buy something completely useless – like a banana slicer – off that woman if it was on offer,” said Cafe Spike reader Gerald Chambers of Nottingham. “I’d even consider having her as a lodger in my spare bedroom rent-free although I can’t quite put my finger on why. She just looks like a trustworthy young woman who I’d be happy to accompany me whilst I’m feeding the ducks on one of my day trips to Derby. She looks like the kind of young dear who’d really appreciate a cheddar cheese and beetroot sandwich. And that’ll do for me. Anyone who looks like they might like beetroot is tickety-boo in my book. Although I can’t think why.”

"Look into my eyes...avert your gaze in an upward direction...trust me..."

“Look into my eyes…avert your gaze in an upward direction…trust me…”

“Yeah, I’d buy something off her,” said Cafe Spike’s senior United States correspondent Frank Jordan. “I’m not sure exactly why either, but it’d be fun trying to get with her and twiddle the knobs to tune into WKRP Cincinnati. Or so I’ve heard. Don’t quote me on that though.”

So we didn’t.

Instead we asked Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University to give us his views on why this young lady is proving to be such an influential sales person.

“She looks honest,” said Professor Mist. “You can see it in her eyes. Who could possibly resist an overture from such a sweet young lady? I’m sure that once she starts with her sales patter the vast majority of punters would be putty in her hands.”

“What a load of bollocks!” exclaimed Worthing lothario and twenty a day viagra man Alf Starling. “Sex sells and she’s got the lot. Who’s gazing longingly into her eyes for fuck’s sake? I’ll be paying her a visit next Tuesday armed with a bunch of flowers and a bottle of Liebfraumilch. No point pissing about. I reckon she’s we’ll up for it. Wa-heyyy! Dora Cattermole will have to sit this one out I’m afraid, because who dares wins.”

Thankfully nobody else was available for comment at the time of filing this report.

Otherwise it could have easily lost its focus and gotten completely out of hand.

Martin Shuttlecock