“Tits get clicks” claim hotly disputed by failed website Editor

Very nice and all that but it doesn't attract readers.

Very nice and all that but it doesn’t attract readers.

Claims that naked breasts and cleavage pictures in online articles attract viewers have been hotly disputed by online magazine editor Martin Shuttlecock, of www.cafespike.com

“What a load of old shite,” Shuttlecock said. “Tits – big, small, perfectly formed, pert or whatever – make no difference whatsoever to the amount of clicks an article gets. It’s all bollocks is that. We’ve tried just about everything short of animal porn to attract readers and our most successful story in our undistinguished history featured a really shit picture of The Scoop in London in an article about the MP for Fareham in Hampshire.

“So that’s that theory well and truly fucked.

“If anyone out there has any ideas how to make our failing website more popular we’ll be glad to hear them.

“Just don’t ask us to start writing quality articles – because basically we’re fucking hopeless.”

*Don’t pass this crap on to your friends because frankly it’s all becoming something of an embarrassment.

BMM

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Apple MacBook Pro a massive disappointment says local man

Shuttlecock - still banned from the Express comments section despite owning a MacBook Pro which has been a massive disappointment.

Shuttlecock – still banned from the Express comments section despite owning a MacBook Pro which has been a massive disappointment.

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, who invested in a state of the art Apple MacBook Pro laptop computer some time ago has declared that his investment has given him little more than massive disappointment.

“My Apple MacBook pro laptop computer has been a massive disappointment to be honest with you,” said Shuttlecock, who found his Apple MacBook Pro laptop computer to be a massive disappointment according to reports. “I was expecting a whole new world of information technology and online entertainment to open up before me and it simply didn’t happen.

“Once I’d plugged it in and got it up and running it proved to be no better than my old Dell laptop, the one covered in fag ash and beer spillage.

“I was expecting a dramatic improvement in my Facebook page, but it was just the same old shite as usual, and even on my Apple MacBook Pro laptop the Express comments sections are still frequented by the same depressing nutters, as is the Mail online, which contains exactly the same bullshit as it did on the old Dell laptop. I really do think Apple need to up their game if they’re going to be competitive and justify charging extortionate prices for hardware that just spews out the same old crap day after day.

“I even looked at my own website, www.cafespike.com and it was just as crap as it was on the old fag burn scarred Dell.

“And still nobody likes or shares our stuff. If you ask me, I’d say Apple need to sort their act out.

“This MacBook Pro has just been a massive disappointment.”

More as we get it.

* Next week – Shuttlecock reveals why his new LG HD 3D TV is a massive disappointment because there’s fuck all on it worth watching.

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Stuff Your Referendum – Says Local Man

A picture of a woman wearing a bikini top inserted for no immediately obvious reason.

A picture of a woman wearing a bikini top inserted for no immediately obvious reason.

Local man and part-time website editor Martin Shuttlecock told both Brexit and Remain campaigners to: “Stuff your referendum up your khyber.”

The astonishing outburst occurred as canvassers simultaneously turned up at Shuttlecock’s front door brandishing leaflets and all manner of scare stories and worst case scenarios .

“I’m not interested in any of it any more,” he said later. “I’m damn well sick to the back teeth of the lot of it. It doesn’t matter which way you vote because you just can’t win. Cameron and Osborne spearheading the remain camp and Boris, Farage and Duncan Smith doing the Brexit thing…

“They’re all lying sadistic butchers. How can anyone believe any of them?

“It’s like being offered a choice between hanging and the electric chair.

“I won’t even bother to vote – I’m just going to get a few beers in instead and binge-watch a box set of ‘Walking Dead’ to cheer myself up.”

The referendum will be held on 23rd June.

UKIP supporters will self destruct as soon as the result is announced.

Paddy Berzinski

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Stephen Fry Invited To Write For Café Spike – But He’ll Have To Do It For Free

Café who?

Café who?

After receiving unacceptable levels of abuse over a jocular remark at the BAFTA’s it appears that Stephen Fry has deleted his Twitter account in exasperation, blaming hordes of internet trolls for getting the wrong end of the stick.

Mr Fry joked that award winning costume designer Jenny Beavan – a close friend of the raconteur – looked like a bag lady, prompting the Twitter storm. Mr Fry subsequently deleted his Twitter account, but his online career as a wit could be reinvigorated after Cafe Spike Editor in Chief Martin Shuttlecock extended the tormented star a lifeline.

“If he wants to send something in, I’ll have a look at it,” Shuttlecock said. “But if we publish his stuff he’ll have to understand that we won’t be paying him, because we’re skint. We’re happy to throw Stephen Fry a lifeline if he’s struggling but we don’t want any of that clever wry stuff he’s famous for. Being a bit thick, like, all that clever stuff goes right over our heads. Mind you, some juicy gossip about large breasted actresses would brighten the old place up a bit. We like that sort of thing.”

More as we get it

Paddy Berzinski

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Local Man Still Hasn’t Done Rubik Cube

A pic of a Rubik cube we saw on the interweb net last Friday

A pic of a Rubik cube we saw on the interweb net last Friday

Following the successful world record attempt at solving a Rubik cube by some smart arsed kid who did it in about five seconds flat, local man and Café Spike staffer Martin Shuttlecock admitted that he still hasn’t completed the puzzle yet, after years of trying.

“I got a Rubik cube in about 1982 or thereabouts,” Shuttlecock told me. “And I still haven’t finished it. Some of my mates managed to do it but I could never quite crack it myself. I just peeled the stickers off then stuck them back on so it looked like I’d done it, but nobody believed me. Eventually I gave up on it and threw it in the bin after all the stickers fell off. However, seeing that smart arsed kid do it in five seconds I felt the urge upon me again…

“So I got one of eBay for two quid. I was only a kid when I first tried it but I’ve matured a lot since then, completing the Sun crossword and playing chess really badly so I set about the puzzle with a will.

“And I still couldn’t do the buggering thing. Sod it. It’s going in the bin and I never want to try it ever again. It’s just too stupid for words.”

Shuttlecock isn’t renowned for his patience, or his affability. Which probably explains why he has no friends and everybody hates him.

Paddy Berzinski

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At Last – Cafe Spike Gets The Chance To Put The Boot In On Jeremy Corbyn

Keeping Schtum - Jeremy Corbyn - A Pic We Nicked Off The Internet.

Keeping Schtum – Jeremy Corbyn – A Pic We Nicked Off The Internet.

In the complicated world of international news media, poor old Café Spike comes way down in the pecking order when it comes to publishing articles of national importance. It’s been six weeks since we submitted our application to run an article slamming Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn – and we finally got permission from the Ministry Of Disinformation this morning, personally signed off by Robert Danvers-Fotheringay, the Ministry’s Senior Minister.

Our brief was simple – dish the dirt on Corbyn and spread it liberally all over social media. Except…it wasn’t quite so simple. As any reporter worth his/her salt would do as a matter of course, we trawled through existing articles which purported to dish the dirt on Corbyn, and quite frankly they weren’t very impressive.

As usual the Express and the Mail led the pack with a zeal bordering on bloodlust, and the remarkable revelation surfaced that Corbyn has been married twice! Oh, the scandal! The impact of this hard hitting exclusive was somewhat dulled when his first wife revealed that they had separated amicably and remain on good terms. She also revealed that Jeremy was the stay at home type who liked to spend his evenings relaxing and eating cold baked beans from the tin. The late Keith Moon probably wouldn’t have been very impressed by that – Moon probably had more remarkable trips to the toilet in his heyday.

‘He talks to terrorists!’ the tabloids screamed. People like Hamas, the IRA, Hezbollah, and probably Hannibal Lecter, the Yorkshire Ripper and Satan himself. Corbyn supporters argue that the job of a politician is to tackle problems, and that problems can’t be tackled without dialogue. Bugger! That’s another angle flying out the window.

All that’s happened in the concerted media campaign to blacken Corbyn’s character is that it’s backfired spectacularly. Instead of smearing Corbyn – they’ve served only to enhance his reputation as a straight talking, thoughtful, honest politician. Until now.

In a shocking Café Spike exclusive, we can exclusively reveal in our exclusive that Mr Corbyn has an Achilles heel. When tasked with dishing the dirt, Café Spike never fails to come up with the goods, and it all happened right under the noses of hordes of press and TV reporters.

Following the announcement of Mr Corbyn’s landslide victory in the Labour leadership election, his first move was to go with crowds of supporters and the media to The Sanctuary, a pub and hotel situated on Tothill Street in the heart of Westminster, a short walk from Parliament and St James’s Park underground station.

One of our reporters has been in The Sanctuary – Martin Shuttlecock once visited the establishment to attend a meeting, and from what he says about it, it isn’t the sort of place where a potential Prime Minister should be hanging out.

“As soon as I walked in there the alarm bells started ringing,” Shuttlecock told us. “Somebody said that a rat had poked its head in the door – and this in broad daylight – but the barman put it down to construction work going on down the street. Then as I purchased a drink from the bar and took a seat I immediately noticed a crowd of men huddled around a TV set watching a West Ham game on the TV and cheering every time the Hammers did something useful with the ball. Suffice to say, they weren’t cheering much, but West Ham? I’ve seen ‘Green Street Hooligans’ so I know all about West Ham. For Jeremy Corbyn to go in that pub is a disgrace. He ought to be ashamed of himself. I know I was.”

Reporter – Paddy Berzinski

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Furore In Fareham As ‘Outsider’ Conservative Candidate Backs Controversial Development Plan

Fareham says 'No' to this sort of thing.

Fareham says ‘No’ to this sort of thing.

One doesn’t normally expect political controversy in what is regarded as one of the safest Conservative seats in the country, yet somehow the Conservative party, aided and abetted by the local council seemed to have successfully achieved the political equivalent of poking the proverbial hornets’ nest with a sharp stick.

The current furore has historical roots in an ambitious development plan to the north of the town, known locally as Welborne; a plan embracing some 6,000 additional dwellings, which has been embraced by the council and vehemently opposed by residents of the borough. As Café Spike’s head office is in Fareham, and given that we have the right to express an opinion, our Editor In Chief, Martin Shuttlecock today issued a statement.

“There’s been a long-running dispute about this development proposal,” he told us. “On balance it appears that the local council have a vested interest in proceeding with the plan, whereas local residents have expressed deep – and quite reasonable concerns – over associated infrastructure problems. Whilst I accept that our country needs additional housing to meet the requirements stipulated by the government, it’s also quite reasonable to take into account the concerns of existing residents. These people are distinctly not NIMBY types; they’re concerned about a lack of affordable housing in the area, the destruction of a vast area of greenfield designated land in pursuit of further urbanisation, the provision of schools, the availability of medical treatment on a system which is already horrendously overstretched, endless traffic jams on already gridlocked roads and fears of becoming swallowed up by an endless urban sprawl.

“The furore, which was already blazing as a result of a lack of transparency by the local council – who appear to have a vision of a megalithic conurbation tentatively branded Solent City – was further inflamed when the Conservative party “parachuted” in out-of-towner candidate, Suella Fernandes to contest the seat at the forthcoming general election.

“Suella Fernandes is a Conservative candidate who has unsuccessfully contested seats in other constituencies in the past. According to reports she is a property lawyer who has been ‘parachuted’ in by the Conservative party at both local and national level with a mission to seal the Welborne deal, come what may, as evidenced by her immediate support for the Welborne project, despite not being in full possession of the relevant details.

“Some voters have expressed concerns that Fernandes has been conducting a below-the-belt campaign by claiming to be a local person who has the interests of local people at heart, and the voters don’t seem to be buying that.

“The bottom line is that she’ll be elected by a landslide, as Conservative candidates tend to be in this constituency, but I have to at least question her motivation in all this. The people of Fareham are good people, and my feeling is that they deserve the truth from the Conservatives at both national and council levels, and they aren’t getting that in my opinion.

“Of course, nobody would ever come out and make an honest statement to the effect of: We stand to make a fortune out of this, and so do the developers, so just kindly shut up and go away.

“Which is a shame, because the people deserve honesty, and they aren’t getting it at all. At least in my opinion.”

*The anti-Welborne/development group have a Facebook page – Fareham – Countryside Or More Housing – The Big Debate. Contributors to the page aren’t by any means fanatical; they’re actually quite accommodating and friendly on both sides of the argument. If you join the page your views will be respected and the participants are willing to discuss the issue without going overboard or being unreasonable. Unlike the prospective Member Of Parliament, who by all accounts has embraced the Welborne project yet blocked anyone from her Twitter feed with the temerity to question her claims.

Café Spike has no vested interest in the argument and acts purely as an independent observational entity.

Martin Shuttlecock and Paddy Berzinski

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Crappy Breakfast Pic Sparks Full Blown Domestic At CS HQ

The New Version - With Black Pudding And Stuff

The New Version – With Black Pudding And Stuff

The recent publication of a breakfast picture featured in a Café Spike article about beef plums sparked a serious domestic incident at the site’s offices when resident chef, Carolina Del Greelio took exception and demanded in no uncertain terms that the picture, which depicted what she described as ‘a crap breakfast’ be deleted forthwith and replaced with something “better reflective of the chef’s talents” or face castration without anaesthetic.

“I didn’t think it was a bad shot,” Editor Martin Shuttlecock said. “It wasn’t spectacular, granted, but it looked appetising enough to me on the day I woke up starving hungry.”

Del Greelio did not agree, describing the illustration as: “Something I banged out whilst waiting for the kettle to boil.”

“I repented,” Shuttlecock admitted. “We’ve often been accused by some of our many detractors of writing about what we’ve had to eat, but quite frankly I thought the picture looked fine. I actually like tinned plum tomatoes, black pudding, bacon, egg and toast – even if the whole shebang is swimming in tomato juice. But she wasn’t happy and she wasn’t having it. She demanded that I change it immediately. At first I refused point-blank because I actually really enjoyed that breakfast. But it’s amazing how persuasive an angry wife armed with a rusty pair of garden shears and evil intent can be.

The Old Version - We Didn't Care How Runny It Was

The Old Version – We Didn’t Care How Runny It Was

“So I changed it to the amended version. It’s got smoked back bacon, a fried egg on a circle of fried bread, mushrooms, tomatoes and black pudding in the new screenshot, and she’s actually asked me to point out that the moisture on view isn’t grease – merely natural juices brought forth by expert cookery techniques. So there – duly pointed out.

“I was going to say that this isn’t truly representative of a typical full English breakfast because it doesn’t have sausages or beans on it but she waved the rusty garden shears at me, with a truly psychopathic gleam in her eye and an air of such malevolent intent that I gave in and agreed to supplant the existing brekky pic with something slightly more appetising.

“I’ll be sleeping with one eye open tonight because I’m not sure where she’s hidden the rusty garden shears.”

“I’m the guv’nor in this house and don’t you forget it,” Chef Del Greelio said in closing. “And he is a bit of a twat when all’s said and done.”

*Next time – How I spent three hours sitting on a chair by the oven door basting a bird because she challenged me to cook honey roast duck. I swear she stitched me up like a kipper. – By Martin Shuttlecock.*

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Cafe Spike Is 100% Behind Comic Relief

Send Us The Effin Money Now!

Send Us The Effin Money Now!

Rejoice good citizens of Britain, for it’s Comic Relief Day again – or Red Arse Day as we call it here in the office. That statement isn’t meant to be derogatory by the way – Café Spike supports Comic Relief all the way to the hilt. We think it’s wonderful that our stars of the comedy firmament take the time and trouble to travel to fly-blown third world countries in order to pose with a shovel for photographic opportunities and make self publicising heartrending documentaries about those less fortunate than themselves.

Although in all honesty the real reason why we’re totally committed to Comic Relief is that we’re a bit skint at the moment and we’re hoping and praying that the comedy Gods and Goddesses will smile upon us and send us some money or something.

To be brutally honest, Spike Towers could do with a lick of paint, some new carpets, a general makeover and a brand new back garden because ours looks like something out of an Alabama swamp dweller’s scrapbook. And the downstairs bog is chipped and could do with replacing.

So, when you’re ready…

Promise we won’t waste any donations on beer and takeaways.

Reporter: Martin Shuttlecock

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Illuminati Issue Terror Threat To Cafe Spike

(c) Frank E. Jordan & Lenton Ox, Café Spike Staff Writers

Groucho is...a cat?

Groucho is…a cat?

COLUMBUS Ohio, (ABSNN) – Like most reputable UK news sources, Café Spike has a sister news network in the US, the All Bullshit News Network (ABSNN). Friday, the CEO of ABSNN, Frank E. Jordan, a long-time, revered, talented, MANLY writer for Café Spike, received a horrifying (if true) communication from the Illuminati-Reptilian Alliance of the United New World Order (IRAUNWO) threatening to kill the talented, somewhat manly Martin Shuttlecock, Editor in Chief of Café Spike, “within 60 days unless Shuttlecock allows the Alliance to assume editorial control of the wildly popular online news magazine.”

Yesterday’s threat letter came by bonded messenger to Jordan’s opulent offices at ABSNN’s World Headquarters, Beauty Parlor Supply and Tire Recapping Center in Columbus. It was one page long and is reprinted word for word below:

“4 February 2015

“From the desk of Groucho, LORD HIGH COMMISAR FOR IRAUNWO

“Dear Mr. Jordan,

“Please inform your colleague, Martin Shuttlecock, Editor in Chief of Café Spike News, that he shall die a horrible death come the morning of 4 April 2015 if he does not meet our demand that as of that date he shall turn over all editorial control of said Café Spike News to the IRAUNWO.

“The Illuminati-Reptilian Alliance requires the vast audience Café Spike enjoys as well as it’s well-deserved reputation for truth, accuracy in reporting and its unfailing fair and balanced approach to covering all sides of the issue at issue.

“We intend to have Café Spike with or without Shuttlecock. For his sake we hope he will agree. If not, his bullocks go first.

Groucho”

Our correspondent on terrorism, national security and conspiracies Lenten Ox writes:

This just the latest in a long line of threats in the attempt of IRAUNWO to intimidate leading websites into handing of control and to turn the Internet into a digital reptile house. With this latest it appears that nothing and nobody are safe.

There have been previous threats to other websites “Truth”out, Fuxnews, ISIS, the Israeli Government, The Democrats, The Republicans, Occupyallandsundry and Disney World dots com among others. Nobody has escaped their notice.

Long-time contributor to “Truth”out, and award-winning Academic Henri Giroux told us:

Shuttlecock pictured last year panicking

Shuttlecock pictured last year panicking

“This is the death-dealing politics typical of the Neoliberal onslaught in this age of extreme violence. The Barbarians are at the gates and this latest letter threatening Cafe Spike, the very hub of literate creativity, is a itself spectacle of illiteracy and typical of the failure of education of the abandoned generation. It is demonstrative of the crisis of Democracy and the onrush of Authoritarianism and we should struggle against such Dystopia and take up arms against the Orwellian Nightmare otherwise we are all fucked.”

Alicia Acoonass, Fuxnews spokesperson and sometime anchorwoman (until an unfortunate set of photographs appeared involving a Burkha and a Beaver), told us

“They are all trying to KILL us, these Islami terrorists will stop at nothing. Islamis live in deserts and so do lizards and other reptilian critters, they are all one and the same. We should bomb them all and lynch Obama while we’re at it. The World will not be safe until Dick Cheney is in the White House and sand is made illegal.”

Martin Shuttlecock, erstwhile editor in chief of Café Spike, was more laid back about the whole affair. We found him in the Dog and Duck his usual watering hole in Fareham high street watching Saturday football.

“Tell the truth I thought it was that mad bastard Frankie taking the piss at first but then someone told me he was in hospital and couldn’t even piss so I had to take it seriously. Anyway these lizard-loving illuminati fuckers don’t bother me; they can just stick their scaly heads up their herpetological arses and blow their puny brains out for all I care. I’ve cleaned worse things off the soles of my shoes. Let ’em come if they think they’re hard enough, and if they don’t let me finish my beer and my pork pie then they can really expect trouble, I’ll set the missus on ’em, she even frightens me.”

Local police security measures are being reinforced around Cafe Spike offices today because, as Superintendent Ken Corner of the Yard announced at an emergency press conference,

“We are obliged to take such measures because once Mrs. Shuttlecock gets involved then there is sure to be reptilian blood shed which would be unfortunate since the Local Authority has exhausted its street cleaning budget after the mess caused when she dealt with some itinerant Jehovah’s Witnesses.”

“We appreciate Ox’s use of polysyllabic words because they lend a certain something generally lacking in ABSNN reportage,” Jordan said.

“The FBI took custody of the Illuminati threat letter and promised to forward same to New Scotland Yard no later than 9 April 2015. We shall keep you informed. Meanwhile, ABSNN welcomes its newest major stockholder to its ranks of major stockholders, the Illuminati-Reptilian Alliance,” Jordan concluded speaking of himself in the third person as I am apt to do.

Frank

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