Hairy man beaten up by migrants on stag night

Mr Snell pictured leaving hospital in a wheelchair with his bruises still painfully evident.

Mr Snell pictured leaving hospital in a wheelchair with his bruises still painfully evident.

This is the face of a hairy man who was beaten up by migrants on his stag night in a notorious East London no-go area for white Christian patriots. Alan Snell, 23 from Blackheath, south London was enjoying his last night of freedom until the point where he became separated from his chums and decided to pop into a takeaway shop in Brick Lane for a vegetable samosa.

Alan takes up the story:

“I’d got my samosas and was just about to bite into one when I found my way barred by three big black blokes. They said I shouldn’t be in Whitechapel because it’s a no-go area where white Christian patriots and Daily Express readers weren’t welcome. I tried to push past them but they set about me, punching me in the face and kicking me.

“I felt sick to my stomach being attacked in my own country by migrants and couldn’t understand why they were picking on me. They blacked my eyes and I had blood in my wee for three days. Thankfully they didn’t steal my phone or my wallet, but they completely ruined my Britain First jacket.

“I shan’t be going there again and that’s a fact. I’ve no idea why I was singled out. This is my country and if I decide to piss outside a mosque that’s my right as a patriotic British citizen. I didn’t deserve to be on the receiving end of a good kicking by those three big black blokes.

“My fiancee, Jayda, was horrified when we had to postpone the wedding. Of course I’ll be having another stag night, but this time it’ll be in Alabama where big black blokes know their place.”

More as we get it.


Migrants are eating OUR hedgehogs claims academic

We're coming for your hedgehogs ya bastards!

We’re coming for your hedgehogs ya bastards!

Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University astonished the scientific community today by apportioning the blame for the UK’s rapidly declining hedgehog population on migrants.

Because the migrants are eating them all at every opportunity.

“There’s little doubt that migrants from Africa are eating our hedgehogs on an industrial scale,” Professor Mist stated. “They regard our native hedgehogs as a valuable food source and prowl our back gardens under cover of darkness setting hedgehog traps, and probably peeping through windows at our womenfolk with lustful intent or similar.

“Having captured a hedgehog, they incapacitate it by snapping its neck with pliers, before encasing it in wet clay and throwing it into the embers of an open fire, where it roasts. Then they peel off the baked clay and eat the animal after poking it out of the embers with a stick.

“Such activity has a devastating effect on our hedgehog population and it’s a tad disconcerting to think of hordes of hedgehog hunting migrants prowling our back gardens in the dark while we’re tucked up in bed.

“What worries me is that one day the marauding nocturnal migrant hordes will lose their appetite for baked hedgehog and start climbing through open windows in order to molest our womenfolk at gunpoint. Or knifepoint or whatever.

“We live in frightening times. If you doubt the veracity of that, ask a hedgehog. They’re mainly too scared to venture out alone at night.”

More as we get it.

MS for


Migrants slaughtered and barbecued disabled child’s kitten

"I can't find Tiddles."

“I can’t find Tiddles.”

Residents of Hereford were left furious as it emerged that a migrant gang slaughtered and barbecued a disabled child’s pet kitten. Nine year old Violet Elizabeth Huff of Covington Gardens in the city hasn’t yet been informed of the terrible chain of events, whereby a group of callous migrants snatched the kitten off the streets, cut its throat, skinned and gutted it and then spit roasted it on an open fire on public land by the river.

“I saw the whole thing,” Hereford resident Bertrand Bussell said in a statement. “It was sickening. The behaviour of these migrants was shocking. While the kitten was cooking they were all sitting around on stolen deckchairs drinking vodka, injecting heroin and laughing. Then they ate the poor little thing. There would have been more meat in a Ginsters Cornish Pasty. I’d have had a go at them but they were mainly big buggers and evil looking bastards and I’ve a bad back.”

Hereford Police report that no arrests have been made as they haven’t received any complaints about kitten abuse.

So the evil migrants get off scot free yet again.

“Have you seen Tiddles? She’s been out for ever such a long time…” a tearful Violet Elizabeth – who suffers from Nuttall’s Syndrome asked our reporter.

Evil migrant bastards.



Woman attacked in broad daylight by sadistic migrant tattooists

Ms Folsom pictured today with her mental migrant eyebrows.

Ms Folsom pictured today with her mental migrant eyebrows.

Innocent shopper Abigail Folsom was recovering quietly at her home in Gorleston after being viciously attacked in broad daylight by a marauding gang of migrant tattooists. Ms Folsom had just left her local newsagent’s shop having purchased a copy of The Guardian, a can of Lilt and a Mars bar when the gang struck.

“They came out of nowhere,” Ms Folsom said. “They grabbed me and forced me into an alley where they strapped me to a chair and then one of them produced the tattoo gun. I was absolutely petrified.

“I tried to scream for help but one of them grunted something at me in foreign – Latvanian or something – and they tattooed these really crap Latvanian style eyebrows on me. Then they unstrapped me and ran off laughing like demented maniacs.

“I managed to stagger into a charity shop and the old dear in there sat me down and gave me a cup of tea and a mirror. That’s when I saw what the bastards had done to my eyebrows. I just cried and cried.

“I used to be quite ambivalent about migrants and voted to remain in the EU but now I hate the bastards and realise that I was just another PC leftard. From now on – after what those swines did to me – I’ll be buying the Daily Express every day and pushing for a second referendum so I can vote for a Brexit.

“I’ll never forgive those migrants for what they’ve done to me. A few days ago I’d have been able to pull Brad Pitt or George Clooney but with these eyebrows I’d struggle to pull even a frog faced fuckwit like Nigel Farage.

“My life is ruined. And migrants did it.”

More as we get it.


Ten Million Strong Migrant Army To Storm UK This Summer

We're on our way to England - we shall not be moved!

We’re on our way to England – we shall not be moved!

Thanks to the Brexit vote in the EU referendum, experts are predicting that ten million migrants are set to land on our shores this summer.

“They’ll be arriving from just about everywhere,” said Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University. “It’s just the way things work in the world these days. All the people who were thinking about coming to the UK have had their minds made up for them by the Brexit vote, and they’ll grasp the opportunity to come here while we’re still in the EU and they still have a chance.

“Without a shadow of a doubt the Brexit vote will only result in Britain being swamped, and the rest of Europe won’t do so much as raise a finger to stop them. The bottom line is that Britain has been largely unaffected by migrants from outside the EU, but the Brexit vote has opened the floodgates.

“It’s ironic that the Brexit vote – taken with the intention of keeping these people away from the UK – has had the opposite effect. It’s proving to be a magnet, even for many millions who weren’t really serious about coming here anyway. Our research demonstrates conclusively that millions are on their way here to beat the Brexit deadline.

“Nigel Farage must feel like a bit of a monkey’s arse really. He’s sparked a global financial meltdown, torn Britain apart and initiated a migrant crisis of even bigger than biblical proportions.

“And Britain First will be really pissed off when Jayda Fransen starts wearing a burka as a fashion statement and runs off with an athletic looking sub-Saharan migrant named Ali.

“Sometimes you just have to wonder what goes on in people’s heads.”

* In related news the Daily Express denied allegations of scaremongering over the migrant crisis, single mothers on benefits and benefit scroungers and said it’s relocating to Mumbai.

“It seems people have sussed us out now it’s all too late,” said a DE hack wearing a white raincoat with snot stained sleeves and dried vomit all down the front. “I’m not taking the blame for this mess. I’ll get lynched if I stay here. I’m off to Argentina. Bollocks to Richard Desmond.”

More as we get it.



Busty Polish Migrant Slams Brexit Voters Hypocrisy

She just doesn't understand it all.

She just doesn’t understand it all.

Polish sex industry worker Kataryna Zaberze today lashed out at Brexit voters, labelling them as “stupid and hypocritical.”

Ms Zaberze, who lives in a £2.4 million Chelsea townhouse made no bones about her feelings on migrant hating Brits.

“I said they were stupid and hypocritical and I stand by that,” she said today. “They all claim to hate migrants yet whenever I go to a pub or a club or even out shopping at Waitrose they’re all over me like rash. What is wrong with these people? Usually they are telling me that they despise migrants and want them all sent home, but for some reason they make an exception for me. I just don’t understand that mentality at all.

“Quite frankly nor do I understand why they never seem to be able to look me straight in the eye. They just gawp at my cleavage and I find that very weird and a little bit disconcerting.”

More migrant based malarkey as we get it.



Calais Migrants Celebrate Brexit Vote

This man denied being a Daily Express Reader

This man denied being a Daily Express Reader

Thousands of migrants in the Jungle refugee camp on the outskirts of Calais have been applauding Britain’s referendum decision to part company with the EU, with parties and celebrations continuing throughout the weekend.

“This is wonderful news for us, and we’d all like to send our heartfelt thanks and eternal gratitude to the patriotic British Brexit voters who have furnished us with this fantastic opportunity,” said Mohammed Abassi, a Sudanese Muslim refugee. “In the past we’ve been hassled by the French police, who stop us from accessing the lorries bound for England, but now that Britain wants no truck with the French they’ll just let us do what we want because they just aren’t bothered any more.

“I’m told that getting to England will be much easier now as the frontier will be at Dover. Once we’re in, we’re in and there are many things we can do legally in order to stay. I love Brexit! Three cheers for Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson!”

“To be honest, when I voted for Brexit I didn’t envisage this,” said Britain First supporter Mickey “Knuckles” Cummings of Ashford, Kent. “Can somebody explain what all this means? I really ain’t got a clue when it comes to politics. I just like shouting a lot and being in a gang.”

More as we get it.



Migrants occupy sacred site

Coming over here and stealing our culture...

Coming over here and stealing our culture…

Patriots and nationalists were left filled with outraged indignation after a migrant couple and their entourage effectively commandeered a prominent national shrine and world heritage site earlier today.

Complaints alleging heavy handed policing and pro-migrant security force bias flooded police stations as locals were left fuming having been denied access to the shrine by security forces while a balding bloke and a skinny migrant woman were given free access to the site in order to take advantage of a photo opportunity.

“It’s ridiculous,” one local complained. “This place is usually packed with tourists and locals and you can hardly move without somebody’s breath in your face – bad or good – but they cleared the entire site so that a couple of freeloaders could sit posing on a bench in supposed harmony looking spiritually complete while we get held back and left to sweat. Typical of the corrupt authorities here – one law for migrants and another for the indigenous people. There’ll be a civil war here if this nonsense continues I’ll tell you.”

“We had a similar situation a few years ago when some glammed up migrant came and took the place over for a photo shoot,” another local added. “All she did was sit on a bench looking dead miserable. It’s just not good enough.”

Slammed up migrant sitting on bench looking miserable a few years ago.

Slammed up migrant sitting on bench looking miserable a few years ago.

A police spokesman in Agra, India issued a brief statement to the effect that the Taj Mahal is now open for business as usual and apologised for any inconvenience.

Martin Shuttlecock


Britain to ban cats in order to appease migrants

What you lookin' at fool?

What you lookin’ at fool?

Parliament is said to be about to pass emergency legislation banning all cats – no matter how cute or annoying – in order to appease Muslim migrants, according to a Westminster insider.

“The migrants can’t be doing with cats,” the insider told us. “So it just makes sense that cats have to go. Cats are a nuisance anyway, doing their business in people’s plant pots and killing birds all the time. Just think of it as positive cultural enrichment.”

But not everyone was easily swayed.

“There’s more to this than meets the eye,” cat lover Tabby Tortoiseshell said. “There’s something sinister going on here for sure. Does nobody find it a little strange that among the hundreds of thousands of migrants flooding Europe not a single one appears to have a cat? Surely that in itself is a statistical impossibility? I reckon it’s a government conspiracy, probably orchestrated by that Duncan Smith wanker – he hates disabled people with a vengeance so it makes perfect sense for him to support a cat ban.”

But it isn’t all bad news, even if it does turn out to be true.

“I think a cat ban is a great idea,” said Roland Mighty, CEO of the Rats And Mice Protection League. “It’s the best news we’ve had for ages. It’ll be one less thing for our rodent cousins to be afraid of. Rats and mice disappear all the time but nobody puts ‘Lost’ posters on lamp-posts for them.”

Ted Pemberton


Migrant Hordes To Swarm UK Within Days As Island Loophole Exposed

Shoot them! - Daily Express reader comment

Shoot them! – Daily Express reader comment

France – People traffickers are gearing up for a cash bonanza after discovering legal loopholes caused by historical by-laws which will effectively allow them to transport migrants to Jersey and the Isle of Wight unhindered, and from there on to mainland Britain.

The by-laws – originally introduced in 1939 at the outbreak of World War II – state that Wight and Jersey guarantee safe passage to any person who lands on their shores as a result of flight from persecution.

Once in Wight or Jersey, all migrants will have to do is register at the local police station, where they will be issued with travel warrants – endorsed by the UK government, and funded by the European Union – after which they will be granted immediate entry to the mainland by ferry or by air, unrestricted by HM Border Force regulations on arrival.

The loophole was discovered by left wing infiltrators who were working as researchers at the BBC according to sources, before being relayed to the traffickers, who are reputed to be members of a Turkish crime family based in North London.

Some people traffickers have already set up shop in Creances on the Normandy coast and have already set up a ticket office and hired a number of high turnover vessels in order to facilitate the short voyage to Jersey.

Residents of the Jungle camp at Calais are said to be moving en masse to Cherbourg, where members of the same Turkish gang have leased a decommissioned cross channel ferry, funded by the EU to transport the migrants to Ventnor, on the Isle of Wight.

Officials on both islands are bracing themselves for a massive invasion as the government files emergency legislation in an extraordinary session in a scramble to close the legal loophole.

Jersey based airlines and Isle of Wight ferry operators are said to be working hard to secure additional capacity in order to accommodate the unprecedented influx by transferring them as rapidly as possible to the mainland.

More as we get it.

Billy Fisher for Cafe Spike