Mississippi Republican thought Nigel Farage was an alien

An alien pictured waving a small flag last week.

An alien pictured waving a small flag last week.

When Nigel Farage appeared on stage with Donald Trump recently in Mississippi many attendees were somewhat confused regarding exactly who Nigel Farage is and what on earth is his relevance to the US presidential campaign.

It seems many got the wrong end of the stick.

“He’s some kind of alien ambassador to planet earth ain’t he?” said staunch Republican Jerry Klugelheimer III. “They told us we’d be making contact this year with the aliens, and he’s the alien, right?”

When our reporter corrected Mr Klugelheimer and explained that Nigel Farage is in fact the outgoing leader of UKIP and a leading Brexit campaigner he scratched his head, frowned and said:

“Well I’ll be damned. I would have sworn he’s an alien. He looks like a goddamned alien, he talks like a goddamned alien…wow. I can’t wrap my head around this. I have no clue what the hell UKIP or Brexit is but if that guy is human he’s one pug ugly little pipsqueak.”

“I can’t understand why Trump had him up there,” said Republican voter Dolores Saskwatch. “He reminds me of Hitler – all that hand waving and aggressive talk makes him come across as a nasty little man. I think Trump should dump him immediately – the Trump campaign doesn’t want to be associated with extremist right wing politics.”

Hmmm…

More as we get it.

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US under attack by Mississippi Pirates – Exclusive

Scary fish. Illustration by Gerry 'Inchcock' Chambers.

Scary fish. Illustration by Gerry ‘Inchcock’ Chambers.

© 2015 by Frank E. Jordan

Café Spike Chief US Correspondent of the Western World

And

Principal Toilet Cleaner

ST. LOUIS, Missouri (ABSNN) – In a shocking admission, the US Army Corps of Engineers says the US is currently under attack by foreign pirates who are commandeering ships and barges operating on the Mississippi, Missouri and Ohio Rivers above Cairo, Illinois. The announcement came Tuesday during an Emergency News Conference called by Lt-Gen. Samuel L. Clemmens, Commandant of the Army’s Corps of Engineers.

“That foreign pirates are operating within the US is unprecedented and has not occurred since the War of 1812 against the British,” Clemmens said. “However, what is most shocking is that these pirates, operating with complete impunity, are not humans; they are, in fact, non-human Asian Carp,” Clemmens revealed.

“Up until now, the damned fish were just a nuisance to pleasure boaters,” an ashen-faced Clemmens told reporters. “They were seen as another non-native, invasive fish species that have been the concern of environmentalists for the past ten years, since they were first found in waters of the Mississippi Basin.

“No one knows exactly how they got here,” Clemmens continued. “You can see them on YouTube videos where, when they get startled by the sound of boat engines, they leap out of the water by the hundreds causing a black eye here or there, or even an occasional broken nose when they collide with boat operators.

“But since the weekend the carp, armed with automatic weapons and cutlasses, have seized three river boats, pushing coal barges and four chemical barges carrying high explosives,” he continued.

“The carp may intend to destroy bridges and other river infrastructure,” the General said, “although we are not at all certain what their demands might be,” he concluded.

President Barack Obama also held a news conference Tuesday, where he issued a statement promising: Swift action against the carp and authorizing the use of deadly force by US Navy SEAL Teams, USMC Force Reconnaissance operatives and US Navy gunboats.

“We shall exterminate this threat to our nation’s major waterways,” Obama promised reporters. “We have reason to believe the carp may be acting as agents of ISIS or ISIL. But I must admit, neither I nor any of our intelligence agencies had any idea that fish now have, or ever have had, religious affiliations.”

“If the fish are agents of a foreign power, whatever their religious affiliations may be, it may be possible to find fish affiliated with the Westboro Baptist Church that we can arm and set against them,” Obama said.

Reporters asked the President how long it would take to sign on, arm and train volunteer fighting fish to set against the pirate carp?

“How in the hell can I answer that?” the President snapped. “We don’t know what language our native, patriotic fish speak or how to communicate with them, or even if they’d be willing to go up against the foreign carp.”

This reporter, representing Café Spike reminded the President that the US Navy has, for more than 50 years, been training bottle-nosed dolphins to assist the Navy’s Special Warfare Groups in combat operations.

President Obama would not speculate on just what combat roles the dolphins might play and, pointing out an obvious difficulty in using the dolphins, refused to rule out any role at all.

“You have to understand,” Obama said. “Dolphins have no fingers and are, therefore, unable to use our current arsenals of military firearms. I have instructed our armorers to immediately adapt weapons for dolphins to use.”

In the meantime, the President promised: “All river commerce on the Mississippi Basin will be escorted by US Navy and Coast Guard Patrol Boats utilizing torpedoes, and ASROC rockets. Additionally A-10 tank buster aircraft, and other jet ground support weapons systems we can bring to bear against the pirates will be used to wipe them out.”

“We refuse to negotiate with terrorist fish,” he promised.

Wednesday morning, videos said to have been sent by the Asian Carp, were posted to YouTube promising to bring river traffic to a standstill: “Until Israel vacates Palestine.”

Israel’s Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, no friend of Obama’s, said: “Israel will stand by its treaty commitments with the United States and if attacked by Asian Carp, will respond in kind.” Exactly what kind is not known at this time.”

Café Spike will, of course, continue to report on the fish pirates as the story develops.

Or not, as the case may be.

Reporter Frank E Jordan

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