The Election Result Is Way Beyond Parody

We're All Hiding Mate - You Are Not Alone

We’re All Hiding Mate – You Are Not Alone

Most people who write for Café Spike have at one time or another published satirical news stories, parodies, lampoons, spoofs or whichever way you’d care to describe them. Some have been quoted in actual newspapers, like the Daily Telegraph, Metro (Although we aren’t quite sure that counts) and we’ve been mentioned on TV quite a few times. The most memorable for me was when Sky News announced that Twilight author Stephanie Meyer, and Harry Potter author JK Rawling were all set to: “collaborate on a novel – more after the break.”

During the break somebody must have realised that the story was a piss-take, because they didn’t mention it again. So near, and yet so far… Almost had you there Kay Burley…damn it.

We’ve pretty much held back on the parody news scene since we got started, yet others continue to fill the void, sometimes with great wit and originality, other times maybe a bit less so – broadly meaning that they’re a bit shit. But over the course of the 2015 General Election in the UK, the world of online satire has been bountifully blessed with myriad virtual orchards hanging heavy with rich pickings.

We looked at this and we just thought – how the fuck do you lampoon something that’s already a spoof of a satire of a parody in the first place?

Was this election the politicians’ way of taking the piss out of us?

When you consider that the electorate actually voted for the lynchpins of the worst performing government for a century, that the electorate voted for £12 billion worth of cuts directed at the sick and vulnerable whilst the multi-billion earning corporations get away with paying a big fat zero in taxes and that we had national newspapers publishing tactical voting guides in order to prevent the possibility of some sort of Satanic alliance between Labour and the SNP, then parody becomes impossible.

The entire process has been one massive piss-take directed at a gullible British public, a dirty tricks campaign that plumbed the depths of depravity from the moment it got off the ground. The press went into overdrive, roundly slagging off anybody who posed the slightest threat to the future prosperity of the rich in their ivory towers. They already admitted that over the last five years the rich have got even richer, whilst everybody else – especially the “hard working” – have become progressively poorer.

And the Conservatives actually won a majority! How stupid are we as a nation?

Of course there were a few minorly humorous diversions – such as Nigel and his purple revolution only getting the one seat as opposed to the landslide his delusional followers were so confidently expecting. Nigel failing in his election bid (again) was another. George Galloway and Esther McVey losing their seats left us with a nice warm feeling, as did the resignations of Miliband, Clegg and Farage, but truth is stranger than fiction, as the old adage goes, thus any attempt at parody would have been far less ironic or funny than the reality of it all.

At least the Scots didn’t fall for all the bullshit, but they’ll be the only ones chuckling over their porridge at breakfast time. For the rest of us the outlook is bleak.

Still, we could always move to Scotland, although the Scots would probably rip the piss out of us as well. Why not? We deserve it.

Paddy Berzinski


April Fool’s Day 2015 – Why We Haven’t Bothered

Silly Moo

Silly Moo

We went into this year’s April tomfoolery with pretty low expectations, and frankly speaking this year’s media offerings were uninspiring at best. We did actively consider running a spoof article or a hoax story but decided against it, for the simple reason that everybody and his mother do it. They crank them out like clockwork and almost without exception they’re a load of old crap.

This year we’ve had the old square eggs chestnut, bubble wrapping cars at safari parks, introducing hippos to the South Downs and trampoline aisles in Tesco stores.

Then we had the corporate entries – Marmite Clear, ice cold beer delivered to your door within 30 minutes by drone and dehydrated pizzas. (Just add water, they swell up and then pop them in the oven.) Probably the dumbest pizza related April Fool’s was put out by Dominoes – driverless delivery bikes.

Probably our favourite though was that the silent majority of long-suffering Brits appear to regard Z-list ‘celebrity’ Katie Hopkins as some sort of heroic figure bravely standing up to the scourge of political correctness. That can’t possibly be anything but an April Fool’s stunt, right? We’re no fans of Katie Hopkins – she’s offended just about everybody imaginable, as has been well documented over her brief career – but come on… She spouts crap because she gets paid to do so, and the more controversial the crap she spouts the larger the cheques will be – at least that’s what we think. It’s just a pity that people get so wound up about this woman, but they do – she even gets a mention here, although we’d much rather ignore her. Ho hum… We can be hypocritical arseholes too.

Where were we?

Oh yes…April Fool’s pranks.

When the BBC ran that spoof Panorama segment decades ago about the spaghetti harvest it was the greatest spoof ever, and will never be bettered. It was, and remains the benchmark and nothing since has ever had anything like the same impact. It was the ultimate April Fool’s prank.

Everything since has simply been a pale imitation – Wi-Fi enabled swimwear, flat-pack mobile phones, whatever. Dull and predictable.

Which is why we couldn’t be arsed. That, and the sad reality that we really aren’t all that clever.

Reporter: Martin Shuttlecock