Help Us To Save Nigel Farage

Lord Mustard Pants Of Thanet - still smiling despite becoming an endangered species.

Lord Mustard Pants Of Thanet – still smiling despite becoming an endangered species.

Having heard that Nigel Farage has received death threats from anonymous sources and that he can’t go out in public without fearing for his personal safety we’ve decided to take the bull by the horns and we’ve come up with a rather rollicking good plan to keep the sainted Lord Nigel alive and safe. But we need YOUR help.

We propose to commission a ten foot square steel cube with twelve inch thick walls and a big feeding tube attached and then put Nigel in it and bury it two hundred feet deep in Death Valley in his beloved USA, where he’ll be completely untouchable and safe from all the lunatics who wish him harm and threaten to loosen the wheel nuts on his car and suchlike.

Above ground we’ll install a pod containing a dozen highly trained SAS men to guard the feed tube and send Lord Nigel copious quantities of John Bull best bitter, Benson and Hedges, Pringles, salsa dip and regular copies of the DAILY EXPRESS so he can bask in the hero worship of his sycophantic fan base.

We reckon it’ll cost about £3 million but it’ll be money well spent if it keeps Nigel safe, and here’s where you come in…

Send us your donation now, the greater the sum the more it’ll make Saint Nigel safe from harm.

If you’d rather contribute towards maintaining Lord Nigel’s sartorial elegance you can contribute to our kit appeal, which may well keep the Good Lord Nigel in mustard coloured corduroy trousers, tasselled loafers, crombie coats (with velvet collars of course) and hacking jackets.

Send in YOUR donation NOW to KEEP Saint Nigel safe this Christmas and for years to come.

**UPDATE** We hadn’t factored into the financial costing a toilet facility, so PLEASE donate an extra £100 so that King Nigel can have a safe place to meditate.

After all – the last thing we’d want would be for Father Nigel to drown in his own effluence.

That would just be wrong.

Cafe Spike

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Cafe Spike – Just 999,884 FB Likes Away From Our First Million

Help Café Spike Hit The Million. If They Do They've Promised Me Free Viagra For Life - Pele

Help Café Spike Hit The Magic Million. If They Do They’ve Promised Me Free Viagra For Life – Pele

There were jubilant scenes today at the offices of online magazine www.cafespike.com as the latest statistics showed that the site is only 999,884 Facebook ‘likes’ away from the benchmark of a cool million.

“We’re getting there,” Editor in Chief Martin Shuttlecock beamed as he cracked open a celebratory can of Special Brew. “It’s fair to say that it’s been a slow and somewhat laborious process building up our first Facebook million, but we’ve only been going for two years and we’ve got a hundred and sixteen FB ‘likes’ already, so we haven’t got far to go before we’re up there with the best of them, the high rollers like Britain First, the Conservative Party and Alan Titchmarsh.”

Web analyst Damon Strawbarn explained that although the website is performing well, progress on Facebook was initially somewhat ponderous.

“It was a bit ponderous at first,” Strawbarn said. “You see, the thing is that Facebook is a notoriously difficult market to crack, but the guys and gals are well on the way. A bit like the Beatles cracking America in the 60’s. I think the problem with Facebook is that the competition is so fierce. When you’re sharing mainly half-arsed comedy content on an ad free platform that doesn’t crash your computer or bombard you with advertising like some others, you just can’t compete with gripping pictures and clips of kittens and puppies doing stuff which quite frankly I find mundane and stupid. The same as people telling you what the weather’s like, how hungry they are at any given moment, or posting stupid selfies all day long.”

It would be fair to say that some Facebook users also find Café Spike mundane and stupid. The Editor in Chief of a prestigious satirical website complained that Café Spike suffers from verbal diahrroeah, and completely misses the point of satire by continually publishing long winded articles concerning what people had for their dinner that day, and that there isn’t enough foul language and full frontal nudity on the site. Or articles about being youthfully virile and masturbating into a sock.

“We aren’t a satire site though,” Shuttlecock responded. “We just do daft stuff and whatever appeals to the editorial team on any given day. As for the dearth of foul and abusive language – that usually depends on how drunk or stoned we happen to be at the time of publication. Sometimes we’re just not bothered. As for being virile and masturbating into socks; we can’t be arsed with all that. We’re a bit long in the tooth for all that malarkey.”

Stock market analyst Ferdinand Ponzi told speculative investors last night at a meeting at London’s renowned Grosvenor House Hotel that although the site’s owners aren’t actively seeking investment they’re a sure fire bet for speculators. “You can send them some money if you like,” he said. “But they’ll probably just spend it on something or other that makes no sense whatsoever.”

You can help the Café Spike fightback by liking our Facebook page and sharing our articles with your friends. Anything you can do to help us avoid paying those thieving bastards at Facebook to promote our page is much appreciated. If you’d like to contribute, you can either contact us or Martin Shuttlecock via Facebook, but don’t bother if your stuff is crap. We’re only interested in making you work hard so we don’t have to. Spread the word, drop us a comment. We’ll probably ignore you altogether, but that’s life.

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Cafe Spike Academy Opens Its Doors With Lifesaving Online Internet Survival Course

I Bet He Votes UKIP

I Bet He Votes UKIP

Here at Café Spike we’re always into turning a fast buck, and being as opportunistic and exploitative as we are, we’ve launched The Café Spike Academy – an unaccredited institution designed to strip you of your money in the most painless way possible. The Café Spike Academy is a non-profit organisation founded by Martin Shuttlecock and philanthropically tailored in order to help you get the most out of your life whilst keeping us supplied with things like beer, pies, mushy peas, gravy and black pudding.

In other words – it’s a win/win situation.

You win, and we win. (Except we probably make more out of it than you do. Or ever will.)

FAQ’s

So, what’s on offer?

Not much yet, to be honest. But we have launched our very first online subscription course:- How To Survive The Internet Without Making A Right Tool Of Yourself.

Is that it? What does it involve? And how much does it cost?

Now look here – we aren’t trying to impress anybody. We’re offering a service in return for a modest fee. Our Internet Survival course will teach you all you need to know about not making a complete tit of yourself online. The cost is minimal – as little as £59.99 per month. (Minimum 18 month contract with a buy out option which will probably become legally binding as soon as we no longer have a direct debit mandate. T&C’s mean absolutely nothing to us.)

So, what’s included in the package?

Here’s our brochure:

The Café Spike Academy

How To Survive The Internet Without Making A Right Tool Of Yourself

Ever made a proper buffoon of yourself by posting an outraged comment on an internet forum at a time when you’ve felt so angry that you’ve bitten half of your knuckles off? Before regretting it in the cold harsh light of day with a stinking hangover? Ever posted some inane, badly constructed drug induced comment on Facebook or Twitter? And then thought: “My God – I hope nobody who knows me has actually read that. Especially my boss at work…”?

We can help.

We’ve discovered that by using transcendental meditation, yoga, and banging your head into a wall for a bit before posting impulsive comments can be a life saver.

We will teach you:

The difference between they’re, there, and their.

The difference between country, countries and country’s.

How to use a spellchecker.

The difference between our and are.

How to post in lower case letters, and the reason why nobody actually reads things posted in shouty upper case letters with a plethora of misplaced apostrophes.

Apostrophes – how to use them in the correct context.

How to resist typing “VOTE UKIP YOU GNAW IT MAKE’S SENCE!!!”

We will also teach you about TROLLS.

A Troll Pictured Lurking In Some Shadows In Black And White

A Troll Pictured Lurking In Some Shadows In Black And White

TROLLS are cheeky people who don’t believe in God and often side with the Devil by being his advocate. TROLLS are like EVIL SPIRITS if you believe everything you read online. We’ll teach you how to ignore them as opposed to smashing all your furniture up in frustration.

The Café Spike Academy will provide one-to-one online tuition to all our subscribers at all times.*

*Providing we aren’t down the pub or having a kip or something.

The Café Spike Academy will provide a shoulder to cry on when you’re at your wits end, and advise you if you’re probably plagiarising established publications or journalistic signature stylisation.

All this and probably a lot less from only £59.99 per month, with the odd newsletter thrown in when we can be arsed.

*3D Interactive Service dependent on broadband availability and/or a supplementary £30.00 per month. (subject to gullibility)

That sounds great! Where do I sign my life away?

Send us a message and we’ll be on the case.

*Priority bookings can be accommodated for a one-off sweetener payment of £750

*Forthcoming attractions and courses from The Café Spike Academy: Stand-Up Comedy Performing For The Painfully Shy, and How To Avoid UKIP.

More details as we get them.

Possibly.

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Cafe Spike Flatly Refuses To Follow The Onion’s Subscription Model

If You Must Send Something, Send Cash. We Like Cash.

If You Must Send Something, Send Cash. We Like Cash.

Here at Café Spike HQ we were more than a little perturbed to discover that world famous satirical website The Onion has introduced subscription fees, following on from The Times, The Daily Telegraph and The Sun. [Read more…]

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