Japanese student sucked down creep’s toilet

The offending toilet, which neighbours described as a shit hole.

The offending toilet, which neighbours described as a shit hole.

The mystery disappearance of a female Japanese student has finally been explained by her landlord, who neighbours and fellow tenants described as a ‘creep.’

19 year old Sukira Yamamoto, a student from Yokohama disappeared last year during a Halloween party at her flat in Worthing and despite an intensive international police investigation there were no obvious conclusions to be drawn for seasoned investigators.

Until now.

Ms Yamamoto’s landlord, Christopher Cummings provided the solution when he expounded the theory that Ms Yamamoto had been sucked down the toilet by “a person or entity hitherto unknown.”

“It’s the only plausible explanation I can think of,” Cummings told investigating officers. “It was an otherwise normal Halloween party, with guests in fancy dress getting drunk and high. Sukira went to the toilet and that was the last we saw of her. The only explanation I can come up with is that someone or something sucked her down the toilet for reasons we may never know.

“What I’m absolutely sure of is that I certainly did not follow her to the bathroom, choke her to death with electrical cord, haul her body back to my flat, keep it in the bathtub until later, perform a series of shockingly depraved sexual acts upon her corpse and then freeze it in a chest freezer in the garage before putting the frozen remains through a wood-chipper in the dead of night. That would just be weird. She definitely got sucked down the bog and that’s all there is to it.”

“To be honest with you we were at a loss as to what fate might have befallen Ms Yamamoto,” Inspector George ‘Nipper’ Crabbe of Sussex Police told us. “But with Mr Cummings’ statement all becomes abundantly clear. She was obviously sucked down the shitter by somebody, so we’ll be having a look down the sewers to see if we can find further clues. We’re grateful to Mr Cummings for his input – even though he is a bit of a weirdo who’s on the sex offenders register. His collection of bloodstained lingerie provided some much needed light relief for investigating officers. As far as we’re concerned it’s case closed.”

Ms Yamamoto became the 19th tenant of Mr Cummings to disappear over the last three years.

“That’s a bit weird,” admitted Inspector Crabbe. “But we’re not reading too much into it at this point.”

More as we get it.

Paddy Berzinski

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Riverdance Killer strikes again

The Police enthusiastically arresting somebody who didn't do the murders yesterday.

The Police enthusiastically arresting somebody who didn’t do the murders yesterday.

The serial murderer dubbed ‘The Riverdance Killer’ has added another victim to his gruesome catalogue of evil, following the discovery of the body of a young male in London’s Argyll Street, in the heart of the West End, and close to the famous London Palladium. It is believed that the as yet unnamed victim was slain in the early hours of this morning.

“It’s definitely a Riverdance murder,” said Detective Chief Inspector Jack Flipflop of the Yard. “The victim’s injuries fit the profile to a tee. Splintered shin bones and massive head injuries, just like the other twenty-seven victims. We need to get this fiend off the streets pronto. He’s an absolute menace.”

Crime scene evidence suggests that the Riverdance Killer takes his victims by surprise, attacking them head on with homicidal ferocity.

“We believe he springs from the shadows to confront his unfortunate victims face to face,” DCI Flipflop explained. “Then, savouring the moment, he strikes a rigid, erect Riverdance style pose an instant before launching his attack, which involves a rapid series of sharp kicks to the shins of the unfortunate victim, followed by an invariably fatal succession of brutal head butts to the skull, resulting in fatal head injuries. This suspect is quite literally a nutter.”

“This is terrible news,” said former Carry On films star Jim Dale, who once played Fagin in Oliver! at the nearby London Palladium. “The very thought of being Riverdanced to death in the heart of Theatreland is just too awful to contemplate. Not a single one of the victims so far has won so much as a BAFTA, and that’s a terrible way to go. Yes indeed.”

“We’re currently looking for somebody with a really hard head and a pair of steel toe-capped work boots,” DCI Flipflop revealed. “Possibly an Irishman, a professional dancer, a disillusioned Riverdance fan, or just some homicidal maniac really. We aren’t completely certain at the moment.”

Anyone with any information is asked to call the police, but no cranks or time wasters please.

And please don’t reverse the charges.

More as we get it.

MS

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Shocking Doggy Murder At Crufts

Wrong Dog Breed You Idiot!

Wrong Dog Breed You Idiot!

Shocking news coming into the office today regarding a doggy murder at Crufts, the world famous dog show. It seems that an Irish Setter from Belgium named Jagger, who came second in his class on Thursday collapsed and died shortly after returning to Belgium. According to sources an autopsy revealed the presence of poisoned beef cubes in the dog’s digestive tract.

Has the world gone stark raving bonkers? Our resident literary critic Ted Pemberton certainly thinks so.

“It’s bad enough with ISIS running amok in the middle east and that lot in Africa doing their best to emulate them without some silly sod poisoning a dog. What’s the point? We’ve got people relying on food banks, we’ve got people sleeping in the streets, we’ve got people starving all over the world and somebody poisons a dog? That’s just mental. I thought the kind of people who went to Crufts were dog lovers, not dog poisoners. I’m genuinely surprised they’ve got nothing better to do. If you ask me the person responsible for this should be strung up by the ankles and battered to death with a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire. And I’d be quite happy to do it, I can tell you that for nothing. I’m just wondering if UKIP will put a stop to all this nonsense. Killing cute doggies – it’s disgusting.”

Quite.

More as we get it.

Reporter – Paddy Berzinski

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Je Suis Charlie – Nous Sommes Tous Charlie

I am Charlie, we are all Charlie. Never let freedom of speech die.

I am Charlie, we are all Charlie. Never let freedom of speech die.

Je suis Charlie, nous sommes tous Charlie. I am Charlie, we are all Charlie.

I was supposed to carry out some major updates on Café Spike yesterday; suffice to say that as events unfolded in Paris during and after the attack on the offices of satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo, it got pretty hard for me to focus on humour. I didn’t feel it appropriate, out of respect for the victims who were callously murdered for having the temerity to poke fun at a religious Godhead.

Following my initial revulsion I looked at the footage with a slightly more clinical eye. The masked gunmen certainly didn’t appear to be the cowards the far right would have us believe. They acted with well drilled military precision, not dissimilar to a special forces unit or a SWAT team, and to my untrained eye my guess would be that they were wearing body armour, aside from being heavily armed. These guys looked like experienced urban fighters.

Why did they commit this atrocity? Sure, I can understand that they were righteously indignant over Charlie Hebdo’s blasphemous treatment of their spiritual leader, but the crux of the matter remains that 12 people were gunned down because the shooters couldn’t deal with the fact that somebody who didn’t share their beliefs had the audacity to mock them for their extreme fanaticism.

Mockery of the great and the good is something of a European tradition. We all do it, or at least most of us do, and we take it for what it is – poking fun at the pompous and the self-righteous. It’s called satire. Not many people do it well, but those who have perfected their craft do it very well indeed, often striking a nerve or two along the way. The vast majority of us just tend to have a laugh about it and then move on. It’s like a tennis match – you win a point, then you lose one. It’s just a game.

Nobody in their right mind would ever suggest that the Jimmy Carrs, Frankie Boyles or Russell Brands of this world should be murdered because they caused offence to a particular group or individual. Most people see it for what it is – a publicity stunt, or simply a bad error of judgement when men like these cause offence. We cringe inwardly occasionally and then we get on with our lives. It’s the British way, and the European way.

As the day unfolded, so began the arguments, from the guarded; “Charlie Hebdo knew what they were doing and they brought this on themselves” to the outright fanatical; “We should declare war on all Muslims.” My response to both of these reactions in turn would be – no they didn’t – and – no we shouldn’t.

My opinion obviously won’t carry a great deal of clout, and if I’m honest with myself it isn’t the most intellectual analysis, simply my own interpretation of what I see – as an ordinary Joe – going on in the world around me. I wouldn’t dream of condoning or justifying in any way what happened in Paris, but there is one word which sums up most of what I see as being wrong with the world:

Extremism.

Extremists of all stripes, be they right wing, left wing, Christian, Muslim, Governments, the global media, dictators, bankers, industrialists, power brokers, serial killers, paedophiles, – they all share a common and rather despicable human trait; they refuse to countenance any form of compromise, only believing in one way. Their own way. And to a man they are ruthless and ready to kill at the drop of a hat in order to pursue their own warped agendas. Most of us just want to live our lives in peace and freedom, yet the truth is that our freedoms are being chipped away at, and that our little piece of terra firma diminishes a little in size as the clock ticks through the days, weeks, months and years.

It’s been said that satire is the ultimate weapon of the weak against the powerful, but satire is just clever words and pictures – it doesn’t come equipped with body armour and assault rifles.

If the gun really is more powerful than the pen – no matter who is pointing that gun – then we may as well just put down our pens and wave the white flag as we are marched to our respective places of execution, for then the lunatics have not only taken over the asylum – they’ve started the purge.

Martin Shuttlecock. 07/01/2015

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Catch Yerself On Son – Jim McDonald’s Back In Corrie – So He Is

It's Grim Up North So It Is

It’s Grim Up North So It Is

Coronation Street fans the world over were left reeling Friday evening following the revelation that D Wing’s Mister Big – supplier of illicit alcohol to fellow prison inmates, aka The Landlord – is none other than failed husband, father and bank robber, Jim McDonald. The big reveal occurred when wrongly detained remand prisoner and hopeless alcoholic Peter Barlow, son of Ken, got so desperate doing time that he couldn’t resist a drink.

The Landlord would seem to be an obvious choice to approach in pursuit of incarcerated alcoholic oblivion.

Eagle eyed viewers were confidently expecting Al Murray to show up in Strangeways and flog the hapless Peter some dodgy weak beer at vastly inflated London pub prices, but they pretty soon caught themselves on so they did when Jim McDonald turned to face the cameras.

Prison - Like Bloody Butlin's These Days

Prison – Like Bloody Butlin’s These Days

It’s a complicated scenario – particularly in an historical context – because even though Peter Barlow was arrested for a murder he didn’t commit (it was Rob) Jim is no stranger to murder and mayhem, having been almost a murder victim himself when Steve McDonald shoved him off a roof and having murdered somebody himself (that drug dealer who was in the ICU when Jim smothered him with a pillow.)

Ironically, Peter’s sister Tracy has also served time for murder after hitting her then husband Charlie over the head with a blunt ornament, and the pair’s stepmother, Dierdre once married an Egyptian who got stabbed to death on a canal bank. In a tragic coincidence, it’s Tracy’s partner, Rob who actually killed Tina McIntyre because she was making the beast with two backs with his sister’s husband, Peter.

I suspect, but don’t quote me on it.

Anyway, Peter’s dad, Ken is back from Canada where he hasn’t been facing a court case with Kevin Webster over some kind of sex charge and he’s determined to get Peter off, although he isn’t thus far aware that his daughter’s boyfriend Rob is the real killer. I’m confident that he’ll catch himself on so he will with a little help from The Landlord.

To be brutally honest, none of this makes one iota of sense to me, but I was assigned to cover the story, so I caught myself on so I did – after a fashion and did a Wikipedia search.

I’m just praying that these sadistic swines here at Café Spike don’t ask me to cover Dallas or Downton Abbey.

So I am.

Reporter – Ted Pemberton.

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Kelly Thomas Deserves Justice

Kelly Thomas Taken Down

Kelly Thomas Taken Down

We don’t often do things like this, but just bear with us – let’s play a game of ‘just imagine.’

You ready for that? Maybe we should warn you that this is going to be a very tough game. Okay?

Let’s begin…

Just imagine you’re a homeless person – a schizophrenic homeless person – and that you’re hanging around a bus station, minding your own business. You’re not looking your best – you sleep in dumpsters and your hair is long and unkempt and your beard is unruly. You’re carrying a backpack, shirtless – it’s a warm southern California evening. But you’re cool, just chillin.’ You’re thinking about where you’ll sleep.

What you don’t know is that a 911 call has been made to the cops alleging that somebody has been trying car doors in a nearby parking lot. [Read more…]

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