What Will A Brexit Vote Actually Give Us?

It's a gamble - however you look at it.

It’s a gamble – however you look at it.

With less than 48 hours to go to the referendum the vast majority of the British public appear to be uncertain regarding what will happen given either possible scenario, so here at Cafe Spike we’ve done a bit of research and in this, the first of a two part report we’ll reveal exactly what a Brexit vote will result in, and its effect on the man in the street. (Or woman – we aren’t sexist.)

Here at Cafe Spike we’ll tell the Brexit Brigade exactly what they want to hear. And here’s what we’re hearing (from Brexit voters) we’ll get:

*Control of our borders. (By building a sea between us and the rest of Europe and leaving it to it.)

*Stop immigration. (ALL immigration – the Aussie points system idea is just bullshit.)

*Get rid of everybody – especially the Eastern Europeans, the Muslims, and anyone with a tan who doesn’t holiday in Cornwall.

*Stop all benefits. (Apart from pensions and care home subsidies.)

*Put homeless people in camps.

*Put a stop to refugees. (Especially Muslims.)

*Close all holiday camps just in case.

*Ban tent sales. (Just in case.)

*Award knighthoods to Nigel Farage, Nick Griffin and Paul Nuttall.

*Make our own trade deals with rest of the English speaking world. (Especially China, India and the Commonwealth – if they’ll have us.)

*Bring back Love Thy Neighbour on the telly.

*Elevate Boris Johnson to Divine status.

*Award Iain Duncan Smith the Nobel Peace Price for his sterling work with the sick and the disabled.

*Bring back white dog shit.

*Make everybody rich.

*Have a World Cup where England win to regenerate interest in football.

*Deport all the Muslims.

*Turn all the mosques into lap-dancing clubs.

*Re-instate fish and chips as the nation’s favourite meal.

*Unlimited free online porn.

*Shoot all the leftist socialists.

*Bring back hanging. (Because we like hangings.)

*A return to good, commonsense Nazi values.

*Free Viagra.

*Immediate and mandatory execution of anyone refusing to toe the party line.

*Bring back Robinson’s Barley Water to the Wimbledon tennis championships.

*Scrap the NHS and focus on holistic medicine. (Unless you can afford to pay for such nonsense as life saving surgery etc.)

*Force the Express, the Mail and the Torygraph to stop censoring comments from sociopathic nutters in the interests of free speech.

*Burn every book ever written.

*Trash all museums and smash all the exhibits because life only begins on June 23rd 2016 in our hysterical nation.

*Think of another group to focus your righteous indignation on. (Maybe the Jews, or the Jehovah’s witnesses – or better still, the Irish, Scottish and the Welsh.)

*Fill the seas around the UK up with imported fish in order to replenish dwindling fish stocks. (so that we can fuck it all up again by overfishing.)

*Free everything. (Apart from beer and fags which will incur a nominal charge but be much cheaper than they are now.)

*The right to bear arms and go on high school and gay club killing sprees unfettered by red tape.

*Straight bananas, really powerful hoovers and proper British passports.

*The absolute right to eat bacon sandwiches at will.

** Based on the views of the absolute fucking idiots who comment on the websites of the Express, the Mail, the Scum and the Torygraph. (With particular emphasis on the Express.)

***Brought to you by Cafe Spike in the spirit of togetherness.

Paddy Berzinski


Is This Donald Trump’s Final Solution?

Some flyaway hair pictured with the Donald

Some flyaway hair pictured with the Donald

To the great Constitutional scholar Donald Trump and to anyone of his ilk who believes it is acceptable to force Muslims to register on some database simply because they are a member of a certain religion: Maybe force them to wear striped pajamas with yellow Crescent Moons sewn on the fronts.  How could that go wrong?

You are an un-American stooge who has never read the Bill of Rights, or who believes it only pertains to (or, most likely believes it SHOULD only pertain to) those of the “Christian” faith, since it is obvious that only Christians should have rights to worship unregistered:

Amendment 1:

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof…”

To force any practitioner of any religious faith to register with a government agency, which, in this case, is any Muslim believer whether or not he or she is a US citizen, would amount to a de facto barrier to the free exercise thereof of their faith. No one in this country has any right whatsoever to know what religion I practice, or if indeed I practice none at all.

And for those of you who believe “it could never happen here in the US,” just ask the Mormons what has happened to them in this country. I’ll give you a hint… hell; I’ll be generous and give you two hints:

(1) In the 19th Century, an order of Extermination was signed by a state governor (figuratively) giving the Mormons till sundown to get out of town or to face extermination at the hands of the state militia.

(2) Polygamy kept the Territory of Utah from becoming a state and husbands were jailed in prisons, many losing everything they had in the process. Polygamy was a tenant of the LDS religious faithful. Exactly who it hurt, I do not know or care; US citizens were denied their rights based upon their religious beliefs.

Snake handling is illegal in many states. Christian Scientists are often prosecuted for faith healing, whereas Benny Hinn is free to swindle millions from Social Security recipients for bogus healings and jabbering over them whist he slaps them out cold with a blow to the forehead.. God knows we can’t have ole Benny put out of business; but it could happen if we put faith healers on a data base and prosecuted them when their “healed” lame folks trip and break a hip, or worse.

Do you believe it cannot happen to you, my Christian friends? Then why, oh why do I read (almost every day) in newspapers and magazines about “the war upon Christianity?”

Finally, for those of you who believe Muslims should all be placed upon some database or “No Fly List,” why is it that you are so dead-set opposed to registering your guns, all of which CAN and COULD kill an innocent YOU–but you can be in favor of registering US citizens of the Muslim faith who are unlikely to ever kill YOU?

It’s the US versus THEM mentality that shall most likely do you in.  Hitler beat Trump on the registering of religious groups; he registered Jews.  Now, how was that a bad idea?

By Frank E Jordan, US Correspondent, Café Spike


Mass Online Hysteria Erupts Over Fictional Bacon Ban



It all kicked off big time on the Daily Express website’s comments section yesterday when the DE published a ‘story’ stating that bacon sarnies, butties or whatever you care to call them may or may not be banned in case they upset Muslim sensibilities. The story, such as it was contained a suggestion from somebody or other at Goldsmith University  that reheating bacon sandwiches, sausage rolls and generally any kind of pork product in workplace microwaves could be offensive to those of the Muslim and Jewish faiths.

Note the word ‘could’ because could is an entirely different word to ‘does.’ The DE ‘story in question seemed plausible – given the occasional bouts of communal insanity to which humanity is occasionally prone – although when any sane person considers the evidence based on real life experience, it’s highly improbable. Yet it didn’t seem to stop dozens of paranoid UKIP supporters from getting a bit hot under the collar and venting their collective “UKIP are not a racist party” spleens over some mythical ‘law’ which literally appeared to induce mad cow disease into their little hearts. Bless ’em all.

It didn’t take long for it all to go completely mad, with people expressing their fury about the Muslim invasion, the erosion of British culture, the end of life as we know it and Armageddon in an almighty shrapnel blast of knotted bacon rind.

I don't believe it!

I don’t believe it!

I read the story myself, and as I appear to be quite popular among Express online readers I introduced occasional inane comments suggesting that veganism is king and ‘meat will give you all manner of bad made up illnesses’ into the equation. For this crime against Christianity I was branded a ‘lefty,’ whilst other, slightly more robust commentators declared patriotically that the Muslims are taking over the world and are no doubt determined to enforce Sharia law across the nation. Even in Chipping Norton.

The government were denounced as ‘traitorous,’ which is something of a DE buzzword, and some people even went as far as to say they would eat pork pies and bacon rolls outside mosques as a mark of protest. Humour of any description appeared to be in exceedingly short supply, which led me to write in a frivolous manner that Muslims were correct in not eating pork because pork contains parasitic worms, and that once consumed, the worms move up to the inner ear via the lungs and attack the cochlea, causing possibly permanent deafness. One individual apparently took my idiotic remark at face value, replying that “farm bred pigs don’t have worms.”

When I went on to state even more idiotic ‘facts’ such as microwaves causing blindness and pork being the main cause of brain cancer somebody politely pointed out that more people are killed in car accidents than die eating pork. I must admit, that one kind of threw me. From that point on it got even more insane, so I decided it might be wise to just shut up and let the silly sods get on with it.

The reality is, there is no bacon or pork ban in force according to the law. It’s all a question of personal choice. I think somebody forgot to tell all the furious kippers, so they went about their patriotic duty with gusto, defending God and country by angrily pounding their keyboards and doubtless snorting into their Ovaltine as they vowed to defend the bacon sarnie to the death.

A furious kipper last week girding his loins to prepare for battle.

A furious kipper last week girding his loins to prepare for battle.

Just as I got to thinking things couldn’t possibly get any crazier, a brief look at the Mail Online revealed that Richard Littlejohn – that well respected champion of common sense and straight talking no bullshit journalism – had thrown his pork pie hat into the fray. Somebody must have told him to get up out of his hyperbaric chamber and whip his laptop out pronto because the Express was kicking up a storm with this one. So Littlejohn basically repeated the DE article in some feeble attempt at stirring up a similar shitstorm on the Mail.

As Littlejohn himself has often said, “You couldn’t make it up.”

Which is somewhat ironic given that somewhere down the line somebody obviously did.

Martin Shuttlecock.


Muslims To Blame For Whitby Graves Shortage

Bone storage is a real problem in Whitby

Bone storage is a real problem in Whitby

The shortage of available burial sites in the historic Yorkshire seaside town has been blamed fairly and squarely on Muslims and uncontrolled immigration by many pillars of the indigenous British community. Two years ago the town’s graveyard suffered a severe case of land slippage, resulting in the contents of old graves being unceremoniously deposited in peoples’ gardens. It was a shocking chapter in local history in the town which prides itself on its long standing association with Bram Stoker’s classic vampire novel Dracula.

“I found, to my absolute horror, two skulls, some leg bones and a ribcage by my wheelie bin on that occasion. It’s outrageous,” local resident Steve Arnold remarked in the local paper. “And something needs to be done about it.”

Local officials are reported to be scouring the area in search of a suitable site for a new cemetery, but have so far drawn a blank. Yet according to some sources the blame for the current crisis can be unequivocally blamed on Muslims and Eastern European migrants, but mostly Muslims.

“They take up more cemetery space than native British bodies because they’ve all got to be buried facing Mecca, so neat rows of graves are out,” Essex resident Jayda Golding told us. “They aren’t happy with taking over our country, they want to dominate our graveyards too. It’s a disgrace. You could bury eight British people in a single Muslim grave – that’s the unpalatable truth about this emergency. We can’t even lay our loved ones to rest in peace any more in their own land but we can bury these terrorists on hallowed ground. Next they’ll be flattening Whitby Abbey and building a mega-mosque and start selling halal fish and chips on the quayside. It’s disgusting and we intend to protest this sorry state of affairs in a car park somewhere. The word has already gone out and the motorbike and sidecar has just passed the MOT so you can expect a big turnout.”

Mohammed Akram, a London based Imam said he’d never heard such a load of old nonsense in his life.

“I don’t see how people can blame Islam for landslips and a shortage of graves in Whitby,” he said. “According to the 2011 census there were only 19 Muslims listed as residents out of a total population of over 13,000, and although one or two of them may have expired since then I can’t really see it having a massive impact on the burial situation. As for flattening Whitby Abbey and building a mega-mosque on the site, I think that’s just scaremongering. There wouldn’t be any demand for it. I would imagine somebody’s front room would suffice.”

Vlad the Impaler was unavailable for comment at the time of going to press, and reports that he’s currently residing in a million pound mansion in Mayfair counting his benefit payments have been strongly denied by the Romanian embassy in London.