Express makes “fake news” accusation. The irony…

Bollocks!

Bollocks!

At a time when the British public don’t really have much to laugh about, given the terror attacks on Westminster Bridge, the Manchester bombing, the Borough Market atrocity and the Grenfell Tower catastrophe, the Daily Express doesn’t disappoint when it comes to disseminating rank hypocrisy. Indeed, it would be funny or at best bitterly ironic that the “respectable” face of Britain First wallows in its own excrement, but it really isn’t.

This is the Express – an organ that refers to itself as a news outlet, which in itself is a laughable concept, accusing Corbyn supporters of spreading fake news.

It should be funny, but it isn’t.

This is the Express – the arsewipe of a rag that’s been spreading outright lies about the EU for decades, the Muslim hating Express, the rag which preys on benefit recipients and single mothers, the Express that detests refugees, the Express that shits and pisses on reality on a daily basis on its vile website frequented by vile basement dwelling sexually frustrated individuals.

The Express are the people who spread outright lies about the EU – banning bacon sandwiches, banning curved bananas, stating that the EU is an unelected dictatorship.

The very same Express which publishes stories about Barack Obama and Angela Merkel passing secret “Illuminati” hand signals, that can’t even give a reliable weather report, that basically spouts zero other than absolute bollocks on any given occasion.

They’ve accused Corbyn “supporters” of spreading fake news regarding reporting restrictions on the control of casualty figures from the Grenfell Tower catastrophe on a blog. Actually the Express are clutching at straws and failing as usual with these lurid accusations by attempting to associate them directly with Jeremy Corbyn.

In short – it’s all bollocks. Everything the Express publishes is bollocks.

And worst of all, it’s nasty divisive bollocks. The Express epitomises everything that is wrong in this country. We have a brief message for the Express:

FUCK YOU!

Cafe Spike

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Fake News Websites aren’t doing the damage – it’s the ‘real’ ones

Express reporter about to sharpen his quill pen.

Express reporter about to sharpen his quill pen.

The proposal that fake news websites should be shut down, or shut out by social media outlets because they may or may not have exerted an undue influence over real life political issues and voting outcomes, one can’t help but wonder what goes on in the befuddled heads of our so-called leaders. [Read more…]

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92% Of Daily Express Readers Can’t Be Arsed To Read The Articles

The Express Staff On Lunch Break Earlier Today

The Express Staff On Lunch Break Earlier Today

A recent investigation by the Online Press Marketing Group has revealed that people who buy the newspaper or log on to the Express website can rarely be arsed to actually read the articles.

A staggering 92% of Express customers admitted that they don’t actually read the articles, with 7% saying that they only use the Express for the puzzles, such as the crossword, word wheel and sudoku, while 1% declared that they didn’t understand the question.

“The problem with Express articles are that they appear to have been hurriedly dictated into voice recognition software, which is then processed as a written article by somebody suffering the final throes of a lethal attack of explosive dysentery,” explained media guru and former Downing Street spin doctor, Bertrand Bassett. “The articles are extremely brief, horribly researched, poorly presented and wouldn’t hold much appeal for anyone with any interest in factual information.”

A brief glance at the comments section appears to support Mr Bassett’s assertion, as a story about space exploration or something similar attracts comments about gunning down migrants and rioting in the streets. Which bears little or no relation whatsoever to the subject matter.

“Personally I don’t read it and I wouldn’t give it house room under any circumstances,” said NHS nurse Patrycia Petrakova. “I looked at it once but it was full of idiotic stories about space aliens, conspiracy theories, migrants, ridiculous scare stories and so much about that pompous buffoon Nigel Farage. Why bother? No sane person would resort to reading such nonsense.”

The Daily Express – so shit its own readers can’t be arsed to actually read it.

Franco Mellie for Cafe Spike dot com

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Britain braced for hottest coldest driest wettest winter ever

It'll be one or the other

It’ll be one or the other

Depending on which tabloid you read, Britain is facing the most extreme winter ever. Some like it hot, some seem to prefer having the shivers, some suggest we’re all going to need reinforced umbrellas and others are anticipating a drought. It’s all a touch surreal and it’s thrown Britons into a right two and eight as they struggle to decide which version of the future to believe.

“I’m sort of tending towards it being another really wet winter,” Raymond Downes, a scaffolder from Manchester said. “We might get a bit of snow for a day or two but based on historical research it’s far more likely to be a bit cold, windy, and rainy. That’s how it usually works round here. I won’t be taking any special precautions. I’ve already got a sturdy umbrella which the wife lets me use in emergencies and I’ve just had an MOT on me wellies so I’m sorted.”

“I can’t see it snowing for months on end like it says in the Daily Express,” Javid Iqubal a civil servant from London told us. “Last time it snowed in London it only lasted a couple of days, which doesn’t really justify investing in snow shoes, skis, tyre chains crampons and a big shovel. That would just be a waste of money. If it does snow I’ll just have a lie in, call in to say I’ll be late for work and then show up around lunchtime and blame it on Transport For London. Whatever happens I shan’t be panicking.”

“I’m torn to be honest,” said Tommy Summerville, an unemployed permanently angry man from Diss in Norfolk. “I read the Daily Express online and I’m not quite sure what to believe. On the one hand I could be sunbathing on the beach in Great Yarmouth, on the other hand I might have to build a snow cave to survive a six month blizzard and have to set traps to catch squirrels to eat. That’s if we don’t all get washed away in a massive tsunami, fall down a sinkhole, make contact with hostile aliens, get struck by a previously undetected passing comet in some extinction event or slaughtered in our beds by radical Islamists. I don’t really know what to do.”

“If you ask me, Tommy should stop reading the Daily Express,” Psychiatrist Professor Ken Mist remarked. “If you believed everything you read on that website you’d be too paranoid to dare set foot outside the house.”

Ted Pemberton.

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China Now World Leader In Weird News Stories

It’s official! 98% of the entire output of weird world news stories emanate from China.

Allegedly.

It seems that if a toddler crawls out onto a 20th floor ledge, a woman gives birth on the toilet and the newborn is instantly washed down the sewers, a person miraculously survives a 500 foot fall from bamboo scaffolding whilst erecting a skyscraper, an entire family die from eating poison fish or some bloke who got drunk and passed out at a party before dying because his mates thought it would be rib-ticklingly hilarious to wedge a live eel up his arse – you can bet on one thing.

It happened in China.

Also, it was probably reported in that bastion of journalistic credibility – mail online.

But are these articles true?

Here at Café Spike we don’t really know all that much about life in China, having never been there. We would have imagined it as being a place undergoing rapid industrial expansion, a place where people work 19 hour days in sweatshop conditions churning out the entire gamut of consumer goods ranging from iPads and iPhones to designer drugs and powdered rhino horn aphrodisiacs.

When they aren’t preoccupied by carving poached elephant tusks into some kind of statuary – usually involving an Oriental lady brandishing a parasol.

Apparently tiger balm is quite useful too – unless you happen to be a tiger.

It’s either that or a bunch of old people doing Tai-Chi in city squares in homage to the late Bruce Lee – who depicted Chinese life in his movies as ‘mainly a lot of noisy fighting.’

So, is China the epicentre of global weirdness? Are the people really inscrutable? Do they all attack tanks with a bag of shopping? Do they really eat that crap they sell over here in Chinese takeaways or is it just some huge enduring national joke?

Or is it just that it’s hard to confirm all these Chinese ‘weird’ stories so they aren’t really open to question, allowing lazy journos to knock off at midday and spend the rest of the day in the pub?

We don’t know the answer to that, but we do know that when we tried to lay a bet on most of these stories being utter BS nobody would take it.

Not even BetFred.

More as we get it.

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19 Of Today’s Daftest Online News Headlines

It's A Funny Old World

It’s A Funny Old World

With so many insane news items splashed all over the internet it’s no surprise that satirical news sites appear to be having a tough time of it at the moment. From the badly phrased, to the OMG! and all the way on to WTF? and stating the bleeding obvious, our online news sites take some beating. We had a quick surf around some of them today and we found some stuff that we found either interesting or just plain stupid. Here’s a selection of them from Thursday 16th October 2014.

Michael Jackson is top dead earner for second year. (Express)

This one was in the Express, obviously. One accolade every performer on Earth would surely dread being the subject of.

High-flying banker nicknamed ‘Crazy Miss Cokehead’ by bullying male colleagues claims compensation of £14million after winning employment tribunal (Mail)

How much? £14million? We reckon the world really has finally gone mad.

Actress to meet police over abuse (BBC)

It’s the phrasing with this one – which just goes to show that the BBC don’t always get it right. (No sniggering at the back!) Maybe it’s just us but “meeting over abuse” just comes out all wrong. Sort of makes it out like meeting over tea and biscuits.

A topless Abbey Clancy straddles a guitar in short film directed by Kate Moss’ hairdresser. (Express)

This one just has to be the most idiotic headline of the day. Having said that, there’s a lesson to be learned here: Kate Moss’s hairdresser also makes short films. The mind boggles.

The (beautiful) calm before the storm: Tranquil scenes across Britain before wind and rain caused by Atlantic weather front sweep in (Mail)

The Mail again demonstrating journalistic excellence. Wind and rain? In Britain? In October? Who’d have known?

Horse shot dead and left in garden (BBC)

After actually reading this article we were left with one question: Why?

Noel Gallagher finishes song after 23-year wait. (Express)

The album is going to be a long time coming then…

Parent’s fury as children are banned from going to the toilet during lessons unless they have a sick note from their doctor (Mail)

This has got to be a joke, or worse an outright lie. When you gotta go, you gotta go.

Man detained for attempted PC murder (BBC)

Again, it’s the phrasing of this one that’s all wrong. Nobody at Café Spike condones attempting to murder a police officer – or did they mean an attempted Politically Correct murder?

Camilla fondly remembers her brother who ‘used to chase me with cricket bat’ (Express)

And she has ‘fond memories’ of being chased by her cricket bat wielding brother? Sounds more like the stuff of nightmares to us. But then, she’s a Royal and her hubby has been known to indulge in the odd spot of weirdness.

Is this silver dome-shaped object spotted in the sky above a paranormal conference a UFO? (Mail)

No. No it isn’t. It’s just another fuzzy picture illustrating another non-news item from the Mail.

Katie Hopkins targets The Apprentice’s Karren Brady in brutal attack on ‘moustache’ (Express)

More plain weirdness. We can’t help wondering how one conducts a brutal attack on a moustache…

Unidentifiable meat, soggy pasta and stale bread rolls: Airline food from around the world revealed (but not ALL of it is unappetising) (Mail)

Nothing much changed there then. Since the last time the Mail repeated this non-story for the nth time.

‘Hero’ nurse who infected Nazis with STDs to be honoured by plaque (Express)

Blimey! Cracking example of germ warfare there.

Brand Gives Brits Permission To vote After Being Called A ‘Bum Hole’ (Huffington Post)

Kind of Russell, that. Wonder which ex-Sex Pistol and PiL frontman called him a ‘Bum Hole’?

Deadly virus capable of WIPING OUT human race could fall from SPACE at any moment (Express)

Erm…this theory has been expostulated for decades. Not scaremongering then Express? Damn, we sold up and spent all our money on cocaine on the strength of this.

‘This Year’s ‘Strictly’ Is The Worst Series Ever’ (Huffington Post)

Sorry Huff, you must have mistaken us for somebody who actually gives a toss.

Dwarf handed crayons and colouring book as he sat down for romantic dinner with fiancée (Metro)

Metro there, rehashing last week’s ‘news.’ We seem to recall that the ‘romantic dinner’ took place in a fast food joint…although we could be wrong.

Denmark to finally ban animal sex because ‘it’s damaging the country’s reputation’ (Express)

*Eyes packet of bacon suspiciously*

And that’s it for today. You can find all this stuff online if you’re remotely interested. Or desperately sad like us. We might even do a few more of these if we have the time.

Reporter: Paddy Berzinski

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