Morbidly obese Asylum seeker to sue NHS over gastric band op

A surgeon, wondering where to start.

A surgeon, wondering where to start.

A morbidly obese Afghan asylum seeker is currently receiving legal aid in order to sue the NHS after surgeons refused to schedule gastric band surgery to help her to lose weight.

Mother of nine, Mazra Hussein, 43, of Derby argues that the NHS has a moral duty to help her weight loss programme and is furious that her request has been snubbed.

“As a Muslim woman it is my duty to be pleasing to my husband – something I cannot possibly be when I am very overweight. It’s very annoying that the NHS won’t help me to be sexier for my husband. I am currently in discussions with my legal team and we’re looking at filing a suit against the NHS within weeks. If we win my case then I stand to collect a six figure sum in compensation, part of which will fund gastric band surgery at a private clinic and the rest will probably be spent on a new family car and perhaps a world cruise.

“I don’t feel at all bad about suing the NHS,” she added. “They won’t help me because I’m a Muslim – which is just racist – and because the family is on benefits. It would have saved the NHS money in the long run if they’d just done the surgery in the first place when I demanded it. It’s high time they were challenged.”

The surgeon responsible for refusing to carry out the procedure, Mr Oliver Hartnell was unrepentant.

“We carried out a clinical assessment based on the patient’s welfare,” he told us. “And we decided not to perform the surgery, based on the fact that Mrs Hussein has made no effort whatsoever to help herself. Given that she lounges around all day, every day, eating Indian takeaways, munching pizza and drinking copious quantities of sugary drinks we declined her demand for gastric band surgery. It’s sad that she feels the need to take legal action against the NHS, but she probably didn’t tell you that we’d agreed to review her case if she takes steps to improve her situation herself, which she has so far refused to countenance.

“Patients need to understand that the NHS needs them to be proactive in their own care. We can’t be put into situations whereby patients live unhealthy lifestyles and then demand that we repair self inflicted damage. That just isn’t on and we’ll defend that position every step of the way.”

More as we get it.



What Will A Brexit Vote Actually Give Us?

It's a gamble - however you look at it.

It’s a gamble – however you look at it.

With less than 48 hours to go to the referendum the vast majority of the British public appear to be uncertain regarding what will happen given either possible scenario, so here at Cafe Spike we’ve done a bit of research and in this, the first of a two part report we’ll reveal exactly what a Brexit vote will result in, and its effect on the man in the street. (Or woman – we aren’t sexist.)

Here at Cafe Spike we’ll tell the Brexit Brigade exactly what they want to hear. And here’s what we’re hearing (from Brexit voters) we’ll get:

*Control of our borders. (By building a sea between us and the rest of Europe and leaving it to it.)

*Stop immigration. (ALL immigration – the Aussie points system idea is just bullshit.)

*Get rid of everybody – especially the Eastern Europeans, the Muslims, and anyone with a tan who doesn’t holiday in Cornwall.

*Stop all benefits. (Apart from pensions and care home subsidies.)

*Put homeless people in camps.

*Put a stop to refugees. (Especially Muslims.)

*Close all holiday camps just in case.

*Ban tent sales. (Just in case.)

*Award knighthoods to Nigel Farage, Nick Griffin and Paul Nuttall.

*Make our own trade deals with rest of the English speaking world. (Especially China, India and the Commonwealth – if they’ll have us.)

*Bring back Love Thy Neighbour on the telly.

*Elevate Boris Johnson to Divine status.

*Award Iain Duncan Smith the Nobel Peace Price for his sterling work with the sick and the disabled.

*Bring back white dog shit.

*Make everybody rich.

*Have a World Cup where England win to regenerate interest in football.

*Deport all the Muslims.

*Turn all the mosques into lap-dancing clubs.

*Re-instate fish and chips as the nation’s favourite meal.

*Unlimited free online porn.

*Shoot all the leftist socialists.

*Bring back hanging. (Because we like hangings.)

*A return to good, commonsense Nazi values.

*Free Viagra.

*Immediate and mandatory execution of anyone refusing to toe the party line.

*Bring back Robinson’s Barley Water to the Wimbledon tennis championships.

*Scrap the NHS and focus on holistic medicine. (Unless you can afford to pay for such nonsense as life saving surgery etc.)

*Force the Express, the Mail and the Torygraph to stop censoring comments from sociopathic nutters in the interests of free speech.

*Burn every book ever written.

*Trash all museums and smash all the exhibits because life only begins on June 23rd 2016 in our hysterical nation.

*Think of another group to focus your righteous indignation on. (Maybe the Jews, or the Jehovah’s witnesses – or better still, the Irish, Scottish and the Welsh.)

*Fill the seas around the UK up with imported fish in order to replenish dwindling fish stocks. (so that we can fuck it all up again by overfishing.)

*Free everything. (Apart from beer and fags which will incur a nominal charge but be much cheaper than they are now.)

*The right to bear arms and go on high school and gay club killing sprees unfettered by red tape.

*Straight bananas, really powerful hoovers and proper British passports.

*The absolute right to eat bacon sandwiches at will.

** Based on the views of the absolute fucking idiots who comment on the websites of the Express, the Mail, the Scum and the Torygraph. (With particular emphasis on the Express.)

***Brought to you by Cafe Spike in the spirit of togetherness.

Paddy Berzinski


Jeremy Hunt Is On “The List”

Don't tell him Pike!

Don’t tell him Pike!

A sinister group that is so secretive it doesn’t even have a name announced anonymously today that Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt has been put on The List.

Although nobody can say with any authority exactly what The List is (other than a list) or can explain exactly what being put on The List actually means, media analysts have suggested that perhaps it is a list of people who are deeply unpopular, or have done things which normal people would find abhorrent.

We can only speculate, but it appears that Jeremy Hunt may have been added to The List because of his intransigence in negotiating with the BMA and junior doctors and his imposition of a new contract, which has proved deeply unpopular among the public at large. Given that others on The List include Iain Duncan Smith, who has attacked society’s poor and vulnerable with his DWP reforms, David Cameron for being a serial liar, Jeremy Corbyn for being a surrender monkey and Nigel Farage for being an absolute prick, we have to assume that inclusion on The List is certainly not some sort of accolade.

Others added to The List include footballers Diego Costa and Adam Johnson, musician Kanye West, Chancellor Gideon Osborne, TV ‘cook’ Nigella Lawson, the Go Compare opera singer and those fucking annoying meerkats off the Compare The Market ads.

But what are the consequences of being put on ‘The List’?

“A painful, lingering, premature death followed by a lifetime of suffering in the flames of eternal hell,” somebody who claims to know told us. “Being put on the list means without any shadow of a doubt that you are a cockmuppet of the highest order.”

All of which means that being put on The List is not where most people want to be.

Martin Shuttlecock for Cafe Spike dot com


UKIP Haven’t Said Anything Really Stupid So Far Today (Mind you, it is early)

Nigel - On The Drink With One Of His Mongy Mates Last Year

Nigel – On The Drink With One Of His Mongy Mates Last Year

Consternation today in the corridors of power after UKIP haven’t issued an idiotic statement – at least not so far – today. Westminster insiders called for a period of calm reflection, assuring members that the lull was probably down to a technical glitch. At this point it remains uncertain when potential UKIP candidates will flood the internet with really daft ideas, but experts insist it will be sooner rather than later.

The Prime Minister insisted that he wouldn’t step in to fill the UKIP waffle void as it’s his day off and he’s off to Sandringham for a quiet weekend with Sam and the kids brushing up on Masonic rituals and human baby sacrifice.

UKIP’s latest ridiculous release was released over 12 hours ago, with UKIP ‘Damage Limitation Guru’ Matthew Richardson damning the NHS and comparing it with Hitler’s bunker. Analysts have hinted that party leader, Nigel Farage has requested a period of radio silence from party members in order to allow the rank stupidity of the last statement to really sink in and take root.

“I suspect we’ve shot our bolt now,” one UKIP sponsor said quietly. “It seems the public are onto how ridiculous our so-called ‘policies’ actually are so we’ll probably have to up the ante by demonising the French or something. Our research shows that people in the South-East hate the French so we’ll probably call for a ban on berets and the Frenchification of the nation by advocating a ban on teaching Gallic in our schools. That oughta do it.”

It seems however that all is not quite lost for British xenophobes as right wing ‘street army’ Britain First have launched a new phone app which can only be accessed by painting your device white and slathering it in chip fat. The app offers unlimited patriotic tat at exhorbitant prices. Funding will be used to put diesel in Britain First’s Brick Lane tank – an amateurishly armoured Land Rover which none of them seem to be able to drive properly.

“UKIP will bounce back,” Ed Miliband reportedly said. “They won’t be outdone by those scallywags at Britain First. They’ll probably come up some outrageous scheme to raise taxes by charging illegal immigrants and asylum seekers a million pounds per head to enter the country and sign a legally binding agreement to not claim benefits. Ever. Apart from the Romanians and the French who’ll be charged five times that, and have to sign a waiver permitting physical and psychological torture at the point of entry.”

More as we get it.

Reporter: Umberto Echo-Echo-Echo