World running out of cat stuff

A Bengal Tabby pictured with a camera off the internet recently.

A Bengal Tabby pictured with a camera off the internet recently.

A leading academic today issued a dire warning, alerting the entire world that we’re running out of cat stuff.

“We’ve just about reached the limit with cat stuff,” Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University warned. “Just about everything a cat can possibly do has been plastered all over social media for years now, and I’m afraid the well has just about run dry. There’s nothing left to say – it’s all been done to death and then some.”

There seems little doubt that with the advent of the internet cats have enjoyed a surge in popularity not seen since the days of the ancient Egyptians, but the online trend seems to be indicating that a growing section of the public are becoming thoroughly pissed off with the never ending stream of internet cat junk.

“I quite like cats actually,” said Cafe Spike’s editor Martin Shuttlecock. “But there has to be a cut off point when cats seem to be the most important thing in the world.

“We’ve had lazy cats, crazy cats, cool cats, stupid cats, scary cats, guard dog cats, daredevil cats, cats being scared shitless by cucumbers, talking cats, laughing cats, fish bothering cats and mafia cats. I’m getting sick of fucking cats to be honest.

A Komodo Dragon chowing down on Farage's nut sack. hopefully...

A Komodo Dragon chowing down on Farage’s nut sack. hopefully…

“People need to start getting more adventurous. I’ve heard Komodo Dragons and saltwater crocodiles are becoming the in thing with exotic pet owners, and I see that as a good thing.

“If I had a clip on my FB page of Iain Duncan Smith getting ripped to shreds by a salty, or Nigel Farage getting bit off a Komodo Dragon and shitting himself for three days until the poison finally sees him off, well – I’d give shit like that a thumbs up.

“And probably share it too if I could be arsed.”

More as we get it.

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Mississippi Republican thought Nigel Farage was an alien

An alien pictured waving a small flag last week.

An alien pictured waving a small flag last week.

When Nigel Farage appeared on stage with Donald Trump recently in Mississippi many attendees were somewhat confused regarding exactly who Nigel Farage is and what on earth is his relevance to the US presidential campaign.

It seems many got the wrong end of the stick.

“He’s some kind of alien ambassador to planet earth ain’t he?” said staunch Republican Jerry Klugelheimer III. “They told us we’d be making contact this year with the aliens, and he’s the alien, right?”

When our reporter corrected Mr Klugelheimer and explained that Nigel Farage is in fact the outgoing leader of UKIP and a leading Brexit campaigner he scratched his head, frowned and said:

“Well I’ll be damned. I would have sworn he’s an alien. He looks like a goddamned alien, he talks like a goddamned alien…wow. I can’t wrap my head around this. I have no clue what the hell UKIP or Brexit is but if that guy is human he’s one pug ugly little pipsqueak.”

“I can’t understand why Trump had him up there,” said Republican voter Dolores Saskwatch. “He reminds me of Hitler – all that hand waving and aggressive talk makes him come across as a nasty little man. I think Trump should dump him immediately – the Trump campaign doesn’t want to be associated with extremist right wing politics.”

Hmmm…

More as we get it.

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UKIP voters to grow moustaches in homage to Farage

Moustachioed men make excellent second hand car salesmen - allegedly.

Moustachioed men make excellent second hand car salesmen – allegedly.

Now that he’s got “our country back” and stepped down as UKIP leader in order to get his life back one might be forgiven for hoping that we’d seen the last of Nigel Farage, but no, just like the proverbial bad penny the obnoxious little twerp keeps on rearing his fugly toad like head and spouting bollocks across the media.

Now he’s even grown a moustache – although God knows why, because he looks an even bigger twonk with a ‘tache – and UKIP voters are following the Fuhrer’s lead in a bid to achieve the suave, debonair WWII fighter pilot look.

Although we think he looks more like the dirty rotten scoundrel he really is. The despicable cad.

“I’m growing a ‘tache like Nigel,” said UKIP voter Eddie Thickneck from Thanet. “And so are all me mates, and I hope all UKIP voters follow suit then we can recognise each other in pubs and that and strike up friendships and stuff with like minded bigots we might not otherwise have known think like what we do.”

“I think growing a ‘tache like Nigel is a great idea showing solidarity among patriotic Brexiteers,” said UKIP voter George Goebbels of Sunderland. “And it’s not sexist at all because all the women who vote UKIP have ‘taches too so it’s a win-win all round.”

The mind boggles…

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Leaked pic DOES NOT show Nigel Farage performing gay sex act

Nigel Farage - not really gagging for it.

Nigel Farage – not really gagging for it.

A leaked photograph of what appears to be Nigel Farage performing a gay sex act isn’t all that it appears to be, Cafe Spike’s science correspondent Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University stated with a degree of confidence today, although the picture has been independently verified as being ‘untampered with and displayed in its original form,’ albeit completely out of context.

The picture, which has appeared on several US websites claiming that it depicts Nigel Farage about to perform a sex act upon US Presidential contender Donald Trump has caused shockwaves throughout the world, particularly among the LGBT community, who find it utterly incomprehensible why anyone in their right mind would want to suck off Donald Trump.

“There’s no disputing that it’s Nigel Farage in the photograph,” explained Professor Mist. “But it definitely isn’t Donald Trump’s cock hovering around Nigel’s mouth. The picture obviously depicts somebody’s finger, attached to a hand in the foreground with Nigel Farage in the background. Somebody has just trimmed and rotated the picture to make it look like something it really isn’t. I’m no fan of Nigel Farage but this is really trawling the depths of depravity.”

Although the image has been proven to be a gross and perverted interpretation of reality, 98% of male Daily Express comments section users said that they would perform oral sex on Nigel Farage or Donald Trump “if it was interpreted as an act of heroic patriotism,” 84% said they’d do them both, and 79% said they’d take one for the team.

But not in a gay way.

Obviously.

More as we get it.

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Trump Tried To Get Into My Knickers Claims English Rose

Georgina Osborne pictured in Accrington yesterday.

Georgina Osborne pictured in Accrington yesterday.

US presidential candidate Donald Trump was allegedly obsessed with former model and reformed drug addict Georgina Osborne and made repeated attempts to seduce her during a night out at a snooker club in Accrington, Lancs.

According to English rose, Georgina Osborne.

The failed seduction attempt took place in 1986, after Trump plied Ms Osborne with fourteen pints of Thwaites bitter and a bottle of Babycham.

“He was terribly insistent,” Georgina recalls. “I was outside in the car park waiting for a taxi when he came to give me what I thought would be a goodnight hug, but before I knew it he had me bent over the bonnet of a Ford Cortina. Had it not been for the intervention of a man from a kebab van I shudder to think what might have happened. Trump had me at his mercy, but in fairness he saw the absurdity of the situation and bought me a doner kebab. He admitted he’d allowed himself to get a little carried away by my stunning beauty and we laughed about it afterwards. Anyway, it all turned out well because I married the man from the kebab van.

“Of course that was before the crack cocaine addiction, the prostitution and six appearances on the Jeremy Kyle show, but I was young and foolish then. And so was he.”

We contacted Donald Trump’s campaign HQ for a reaction to Ms Osborne’s revelation but they completely ignored us.

And please – no Specsavers quips. They aren’t remotely funny and we’re sick to fucking death of them.

Paddy Berzinski

*Next week – Georgina Osborne – Nigel Farage wanted me to wear a burkha in kinky sex romp

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Brexiteers still not quite sure about almost everything

Farage - appealing to the intellectually challenged.

Farage – appealing to the intellectually challenged.

A quick look at comments on social media reveals that Brexiteers aren’t quite sure about anything at all. What does seem abundantly clear is that many Brexit voters confidently anticipated some form of ethnic cleansing within days of a leave vote. Perhaps naively, many believed that voting for Brexit would result in an end to the free movement of labour and the expulsion of EU migrant workers from the UK along with mass repatriation of the UK’s Muslim population.

A not insignificant number of Brexiteers have been left confused and bewildered as they’ve come to the realisation that this isn’t ever going to actually happen.

Many are also disappointed in that they used the referendum as a protest vote against David Cameron’s government, and although Cameron, Osborne, Gove and co were consigned to the rubbish bin it’s still pretty much business as usual in Westminster. Only the faces have changed.

Campaigning and voting for a massive sea change in a nation’s future is all well and good – providing there is a plan in place. The Brexit campaign had no such plan – probably because they all quite confidently expected to lose the referendum, and now they’ve been caught with their trousers down.

Somewhat ironically, Nigel Farage – whose sole raison d’être was to “free the UK from the shackles of the Brussels dictatorship” – stood down as UKIP party leader, yet strangely didn’t resign his position as an MEP, ensuring he keeps his snout in the EU trough claiming salary and expenses from an institution that he supposedly detests. (Yes, the same institution that has paid his salary and expenses since his election in 1999.)

All of which leaves Brexiteers scratching their heads in vacant confusion.

And what of UKIP itself? Is their any point in its existence?

Potential party leader Steven Woolfe seems to think so. Wolfe wants to rebrand UKIP, with a name change and a change of party colours in order to appeal to the more moderate sections of the electorate. However, being a Mancunian raised on a Moss Side estate and with black and Jewish heritage he hardly seems likely to be flavour of the month among UKIP’s grass roots element.

So basically Brexit is in turmoil. The pound is on the slide despite massive cash injections from the Bank of England, the future is uncertain, we’re probably heading for a recession despite what the right wing press would have you believe and nobody seems to have the slightest idea what to do next.

As Brexiteers crow from the rooftops that they’ve won, that we are now free from the evil EUSSR, the Coudenhove-Kalergi Plan, the reptilians, the cultural Marxists, the lefties, political correctness, the New World Order, the Illuminati and all that other conspiracy bollocks they’re so fond of quoting, we have just one question:

What exactly did you win?

“Sweet fuck all really” is one phrase that springs to mind.

Martin Shuttlecock reporting for cafespike.com

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Slimy Turd Quits Job – Sort Of

Fuck you too Farage.

Fuck you too Farage.

So Nigel Farage stepped down as the Leader of UKIP today, but he isn’t stepping down as an MEP and will continue to draw his salary from EU HQ in Brussels. How boringly predictable.

Let’s be clear on this – we detest Nigel Farage. We think he’s an odious little creep, a perfectly vile individual, a charlatan and above all a massive mustard panted prick. So as you’ll probably gather, we don’t quite get the adulation and the cult status Farage has acquired through his following of coffin dodging xenophobics.

Farage – the massive prick – is no friend of the working man, no friend of the NHS, indeed no friend of anyone other than himself. He’s a chap with typical “little man” syndrome, an insignificant shit who craves attention and gets it by pandering to the fears of idiots and spouting the bollocks they insist on being spoon fed.

He’s a cheap opportunist, and in our opinion a c*nt of the highest order. Fuck off Nigel and don’t let the door knob hit you on the arse as you leave.

As a mark of our appreciation of your years of self service we might even send you a gift. A great big steaming turd in a cardboard box with some flies and a few wasps in it. Possibly.

Martin Shuttlecock.

*Disclaimer – Normally, our reporter Martin Shuttlecock is an easy going sort of chap who gets along equally well with anyone and everyone. It’s just Nigel Farage and his crew. They get Shuttlecock at it.

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Nigel Farage’s Gypsy Grandmother Put A Curse On The England Football Team

This might be her - it might not. Who knows?

This might be her – it might not. Who knows?

This has got to be our weirdest story of the week, but we are assured by a bloke down the pub that it’s all true.

It appears that in 1966 Nigel Farage’s gypsy grandmother was having an affair with a German potter named Otto; contemporaries say (apparently) that she was thoroughly smitten, and that the feeling was reciprocal.

Otto was a great football fan and a fanatical follower of the German national team, and apparently he freaked out when the Russian linesman awarded a goal for Geoff Hurst’s off the crossbar shot during extra time which was England’s third and Hurst’s second of the day.

Otto went mad, shrieking and wailing until Hurst smashed the decisive fourth goal past Tilkowski for his hat trick, at which point Otto commenced smashing up the gypsy caravan which the couple called home.

In response, Nigel Farage’s gypsy grandmother laid a curse on the England football team which endures to this day, a curse which she steadfastly refuses to lift – even when approached by a tearful Glen Hoddle.

Not only that – she further cursed England by inflicting young Nigel on us – saying that he’s a bit like Damian out of The Omen and that he’ll destroy England forever.

Of course we can’t swear that it’s true, but it does make for interesting reading if you’ve nothing better to do.

Martin Shuttlecock

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Calais Migrants Celebrate Brexit Vote

This man denied being a Daily Express Reader

This man denied being a Daily Express Reader

Thousands of migrants in the Jungle refugee camp on the outskirts of Calais have been applauding Britain’s referendum decision to part company with the EU, with parties and celebrations continuing throughout the weekend.

“This is wonderful news for us, and we’d all like to send our heartfelt thanks and eternal gratitude to the patriotic British Brexit voters who have furnished us with this fantastic opportunity,” said Mohammed Abassi, a Sudanese Muslim refugee. “In the past we’ve been hassled by the French police, who stop us from accessing the lorries bound for England, but now that Britain wants no truck with the French they’ll just let us do what we want because they just aren’t bothered any more.

“I’m told that getting to England will be much easier now as the frontier will be at Dover. Once we’re in, we’re in and there are many things we can do legally in order to stay. I love Brexit! Three cheers for Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson!”

“To be honest, when I voted for Brexit I didn’t envisage this,” said Britain First supporter Mickey “Knuckles” Cummings of Ashford, Kent. “Can somebody explain what all this means? I really ain’t got a clue when it comes to politics. I just like shouting a lot and being in a gang.”

More as we get it.

MS

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The Tears Of A Clown – Brexit Voter Feels Conned

Hands up all those who think I'm an utter cunt...I'll get me coat...

Hands up all those who think I’m an utter cunt…I’ll get me coat…

A prominent circus clown who voted to leave the EU has admitted that he’s been conned after being spoon-fed gallons of absolute hogwash by the likes of Boris Johnson, Nigel Farage, Iain Duncan Smith and Michael Gove. Benny Bukkake from Essex expressed his utter disgust with prominent Brexiteers on the Big Johnson Show on Radio Rayleigh this morning. [Read more…]

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