“Extremists Have Drugged Our Water Supply”

Some water pictured a while ago. (Contains massive aircraft carrier)

Some water pictured a while ago. (Contains massive aircraft carrier)

As implausible as the headline may sound, Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University stands firmly by today’s statement after having conducted an exhaustive two year study.

“There’s no other possible explanation,” Professor Mist said. “The evidence is all around us. Our nation has become totally paranoid as the most cursory glance at our media and society reveals. Everybody’s gone completely mental, from the Prime Minister all the way down to that bloke from East Grinstead who parades around the town all day wearing a nautical hat, blowing a whistle and saluting passing traffic whilst standing rigidly to attention at traffic lights.

“There’s no doubt that as a nation we’ve lost the plot. We’ve all gone bonkers.

“The only rational explanation is that some crackpot extremist organisation has drugged our water supply. The only thing I can suggest is that people eat more beetroot. I’m not sure why though.”



It’s Squeaky Bum Time For US Satire Site As ISIS Roll Into Texas

Sad Tired World's EIC Burgess Butthole - Shitting Bricks Today

Sad Tired World’s EIC Burgess Butthole – Shitting Bricks Today

A little known group of writers (we can’t really call them satirists) who contribute to an online ‘satirical’ publication which bills itself as, “one of the most interesting and funny sites on the web, with thousands of articles from a conservative slant” are reported to be shitting themselves today following the revelation that ISIS have claimed responsibility for a foiled attack on an extremist meeting in Garland, Texas, which left two perpetrators dead and a security guard injured.

The ‘writers’ involved have a long history of stoking anti-Islamic sentiment, and of repeatedly insulting the Prophet, going back years to the days when they were banned from other websites after dogmatically refusing to refrain from peddling their twisted brand of hate and bigotry, and stamping their feet like a kid throwing a tantrum when they couldn’t get their own way.

Eventually the small group of societal misfits went on to form their own website, which continues to spew out racist, sexist, homophobic and anti-Islamic material, but according to some cyber experts the attack in Garland has “put the willies right up ’em.”

Cafe Spike’s very own Martin Shuttlecock has had a number of run-ins with these people. Here’s what he had to say.

“These guys seemed okay at first,” he said. “Writing dumb late-middle-aged sexual fantasies about young celebrities, but then a darker, more sinister aspect began to rear its ugly head. They started ganging up on other contributors and launching outright hate and smear campaigns against anyone who had the temerity to oppose their extreme political stance – which was slightly to the right of the KKK.

“It all started to go wrong for them when they flew into a collective hissy-fit when one publisher declined to accept a story inciting ‘Piss On A Mosque Day’ and despite some good advice from other writers they were pretty insulting towards the publisher, to the point where they were banned from the site.

“I told them myself that if a UK based publisher had published that article he or she would be leaving themselves open to criminal charges and possibly even imprisonment. Their response to that was that the publisher was a weak, insecure chickenshit. Which of course he wasn’t – he merely conducted himself like a responsible adult.

“They then moved on to a website based in India which had no publishing restrictions and between them pretty much destroyed it, to the point where it no longer has an online presence.

“So they started up their own site, and to be quite frank it’s pure dreck. All it consists of is a series of vicious rants and nasty insults hurled at the President, the Democrats, anyone who disagrees with them, and… erm…myself and a few other people.

“They were just too daft to make arseholes out of really, and about as funny as getting yourself skinned alive by a psycho wielding a potato peeler. We just ignored them.

“What made me think of them today was the attack on the cartoon contest in Garner, which ISIS claimed responsibility for. These goons who’ve been publishing their hate crap for some time now seemed to think that Islamic extremism was fair game for them, because that sort of stuff only happens on the other side of the world. Now it’s happened in Texas, and could happen anywhere in the USA or around the world, they’ll be shitting themselves. They’re just a bunch of clapped out old fart keyboard warriors with more bluster than is good for them.

“It’ll be interesting to see how brave and outspoken they are today. My money says they’ll be huddled in their Mommas’ basements adjusting the straps on their tin-foil helmets.”

*Cafe Spike does not endorse hate-filled material of any description, but we do like frank and open discussion and the odd spot of blatant piss-taking.

**And remember kids – never be afraid to prod an idiot with a pointed stick.

Paddy Berzinski


UKIP Supporters Accuse Mail Online Of Cynical Ratings Manipulation

A Furious UKIP Fan Pictured This Morning

A Furious UKIP Fan Pictured This Morning

Commenters on UKIP articles on the Mail Online have accused the site moderators of cynically manipulating the up/down red/green arrow ratings in order to discredit UKIP and make the party’s supporters appear no better than a bunch of paranoid, ranting lunatics.

“It’s a sneaky, underhand tactic designed to discredit Nigel and the party,” one told us. “If people post anything complimentary about Nigel, the red arrows come flying in like the clappers, yet negative comments get similarly green arrowed. It’s obviously a fix.”

In order to test the conspiracy theory we interviewed a bloke down the pub who just happened to be reading a copy of the Mail. He told us that he looks at the paper’s online website too and that he didn’t see any obvious indications of arrow rigging.

“I’m a Conservative myself,” he told us. “But I am in no way biased against UKIP. I just follow the party line and quite frankly I agree that they’re a bunch of swivel eyed loons. They probably get so many down votes on the website because they’re all as nutty as fruitcakes and never stop twatting on about Nigel and complaining about the EU. That and the fact that they’re only on about twelve percent in the polls, which means that eighty eight percent of people don’t agree with them. I’ll be glad when they get their two seats or whatever they’re expecting and bloody shut up. They get on my nerves.”

“It’s a joke is that arrow based scoring system,” one UKIP supporter complained. “They obviously manipulate the statistics because the whole world knows exactly how important the red and green arrows on a website populated almost exclusively by lunatics are. Putin does the same thing with his hired stooges in Russia. They’re all in it together you know, the Mail, Putin, the lefties, the Muslims, the EUSSR, the Greens and the Jihadists. And the reason why they do it is because they’re all afraid of Nigel and the UKIP revolution, but we’ll have the last laugh when Nigel is in Downing Street and we’ve taken our country back.”

Yes, of course you will. You haven’t really thought this through, have you?

Paddy Berzinski


EDL Invade Newcastle Christening Looking For ISIS

A disappointed EDL member, pictured slinging his hook.

A disappointed EDL member, pictured slinging his hook.

Newcastle couple John and Samantha Osbourne had an unwelcome surprise at the Christening of their baby daughter Iris, at St Botolph’s church in the city, when proceedings were interrupted by an unscheduled invasion by members of the North-East branch of the EDL.

Family, friends and the presiding vicar could only look on in slack jawed amazement as the group of ten men swept into the church chanting anti-Taliban slogans and demanding to know where ISIS were because they fancied having a fight with the Jihadist group.

“It was a lovely ceremony until all these fat blokes in flat caps stormed in and started shouting, wanting a fight,” Samantha told us. “When they told John that they’d heard ISIS were appearing at the church and that they’d come for a fight – you could have knocked us down with a feather. I told them, we’ve got an Iris here, but no ISIS that we were aware of, but they were having none of it.”

“I tried to explain to them that there must be some mistake but they wouldn’t budge,” the Rev Timothy Allsop said later. “They started chanting like a crowd of football hooligans, called me a Marxist lefty and quite clearly stated that they weren’t going anywhere until they’d given ISIS a good bashing. Eventually we had to call the police.”

“The worst of it was that they upset the bairn,” Samantha said. “She’d been as good as good as gold until these pot-bellied morons stormed in spouting their rubbish. After the police removed them she cried her little head off throughout the rest of the ceremony. These people are just middle aged overweight idiots with a serious brain cell deficit.”

A spokesman for Northumberland police confirmed that officers had been called to an incident at St Botolph’s church, and that an undisclosed number of trespassers had been removed from the premises, adding that the EDL members had acted upon information received which subsequently turned out to be flawed.

This isn’t the first incidence of failed intelligence related to the North-East branch of the EDL. Recently they invaded a book club meeting in the area in the hope of giving media personality Russell Brand a fair slapping, although the author was nowhere near the city at the time.

A senior EDL spokesman refused to condemn the North-East branch, claiming that their enthusiasm was admirable, if somewhat misguided.

“We’ve had a few communication breakdowns with the North-East branch recently,” the spokesman stated. “But in fairness they’re as keen as mustard. The problem appears to be that only one of them can read, a six year old who’s quite bright for his age although apparently not too hot on comprehension. Our focus is on improving the branch’s performance and our understanding is that a thirteen year old has applied for the job of Senior Intelligence Officer. He’s in remedial reading classes at the moment but that shouldn’t be a bar to joining the EDL. We welcome members of all stripes – providing they’re English and a bit thick.”

Reporter: Eddie Mackum