Morbidly obese Asylum seeker to sue NHS over gastric band op

A surgeon, wondering where to start.

A surgeon, wondering where to start.

A morbidly obese Afghan asylum seeker is currently receiving legal aid in order to sue the NHS after surgeons refused to schedule gastric band surgery to help her to lose weight.

Mother of nine, Mazra Hussein, 43, of Derby argues that the NHS has a moral duty to help her weight loss programme and is furious that her request has been snubbed.

“As a Muslim woman it is my duty to be pleasing to my husband – something I cannot possibly be when I am very overweight. It’s very annoying that the NHS won’t help me to be sexier for my husband. I am currently in discussions with my legal team and we’re looking at filing a suit against the NHS within weeks. If we win my case then I stand to collect a six figure sum in compensation, part of which will fund gastric band surgery at a private clinic and the rest will probably be spent on a new family car and perhaps a world cruise.

“I don’t feel at all bad about suing the NHS,” she added. “They won’t help me because I’m a Muslim – which is just racist – and because the family is on benefits. It would have saved the NHS money in the long run if they’d just done the surgery in the first place when I demanded it. It’s high time they were challenged.”

The surgeon responsible for refusing to carry out the procedure, Mr Oliver Hartnell was unrepentant.

“We carried out a clinical assessment based on the patient’s welfare,” he told us. “And we decided not to perform the surgery, based on the fact that Mrs Hussein has made no effort whatsoever to help herself. Given that she lounges around all day, every day, eating Indian takeaways, munching pizza and drinking copious quantities of sugary drinks we declined her demand for gastric band surgery. It’s sad that she feels the need to take legal action against the NHS, but she probably didn’t tell you that we’d agreed to review her case if she takes steps to improve her situation herself, which she has so far refused to countenance.

“Patients need to understand that the NHS needs them to be proactive in their own care. We can’t be put into situations whereby patients live unhealthy lifestyles and then demand that we repair self inflicted damage. That just isn’t on and we’ll defend that position every step of the way.”

More as we get it.

TP

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Is The Beef Plum The New Superfood?

A Thing Of The Past In The Coming Beef Plum Revolution

A Thing Of The Past In The Coming Beef Plum Revolution

Fans of the beef plum, a fruit which grows only in a remote and closely guarded part of the county of Rutland swear by the fruit and are confident that it can provide the world’s nutritional requirements if the boffins can find a way of mass producing it outside Rutland.

“It’s a strange fruit indeed,” our science correspondent, Ken Mist told us. “It looks like an oversized plum, and usually grows in big hairy pairs on the tree. It looks like a plum but it has the texture and taste of fillet steak with chips, peas and gravy when microwaved, yet there isn’t any meat in it at all. When eaten cold it tastes like sticky toffee pudding with custard. It really is a remarkable fruit.”

Nutritional scientists have revealed that the wonder fruit contains every essential vitamin and mineral known to man, adding that global use would effectively eliminate obesity within a generation.

“And by jove they’re right,” Ken Mist opined. “They’re fat-free and you can heat one up for dinner then eat a cold one for dessert and Bob’s your mother’s brother. If we can work out how to grow this wonder fruit in other locations around the world we could literally save mankind for ever.”

We tried to get further information by logging on to www.beefplums.rutland.uk but the link didn’t work.

Reporter – Martin Shuttlecock

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Anorexic Lard Arses – Tabloid Press Uncertain

The Mirror Claims That Kids Are Starving

The Mirror Claims That Kids Are Starving

If Britain’s tabloid press is to be believed nobody in the country knows which way is up any more. The reason for this appears to be that, like our political parties not a single one of them seems to agree on anything.

The problem was highlighted this week when the Mirror carried a full front page claiming that huge numbers of British kids are going to school hungry and even stealing food from their peers as a direct result of government cutbacks. The Mirror claimed that child hunger is endemic in our schools. [Read more…]

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