Why I Stopped Commenting On The Daily Express Online

Where the crazy people come out to play

Where the crazy people come out to play

Anyone who’s ever taken the trouble to look at the comments sections on Daily Express articles will undoubtedly have found it to be a very strange place indeed. There’s something remarkably other-worldly about this strange fantasy realm, along with its angry orc-like denizens. This is a land where failed politician Nigel Farage is elevated to Divine status, xenophobia is a virtue, and pent up fury is only ever as far away as the next blink of an eye.

It’s a place with a pack mentality and a language of its own; a place where spouting hate seems to be norm. Have the temerity to disagree in this strange land and be prepared to accept a virtual mauling. It’s no place for faint hearts – doubly so if you find being called a ‘traitor,’ a ‘lefty,’ or any number of other unsavoury labels offensive. Sitting in the guest of honour slot at the right hand of the Nigel is a new hero. Vladimir Putin is the new right wing hero because “he’s got balls and he doesn’t fanny about” when it comes to lobbing bombs about.

Something slightly ironic going on here methinks. Adherents of the right supporting a militaristic former KGB officer and lifelong Communist – until the wall came down and not much really changed for the average Russian, other than not being Communists any more. At least not officially. Very strange how the right laud this man, singing his praises over the internet whilst referring to the serving British Prime Minister as “CaMoron.” Almost all DE readers refer to the PM as “CaMoron.” I have no idea why they bother. Perhaps it’s intended to be witty, funny, ironic or even sarcastic, but whatever the reason, it isn’t any of those things. I’m no fan of Cameron myself; I just find it slightly ironic that a bunch of lifelong Conservatives (at least until they discovered UKIP) could be so traitorous ( a very popular word at the DE for all and sundry) to one of their own and even call the Tories ‘lefties.’

Another thing about this hero worship of Mr Putin that doesn’t appear to have been given a great deal of thought as the sabres are rattling – his bombing campaign in Syria is only likely to make the place even more intolerable than it already is for those remaining. So they’re going to flee. Which means more refugees. Which is odd because the readers who comment on the DE don’t like refugees at all, much less economic migrants. The general tone seems to suggest that these people are subhuman and as such ought to be blasted to smithereens. or at least shot. It doesn’t quite square up as a coherent argument, rather like everything UKIP ever says. It sounds dramatic but it makes no sense.

So what does a dissenting occasional columnist do? Joins the fray of course. Which is exactly what I did. I prodded and probed but mainly I just took the piss because what was being said on those pages hardly seemed worthy of formulating a coherent counter argument. In fact, most of it was completely barking mental.

What happens in online fora (or forums if you prefer) is that arguments are good. On the DE site hardly anybody argues because they all have the same opinion, which is repeated over and over again amidst a bit of backslapping. Dissenters usually get myriad responses, usually abusive at one level or another, and I got plenty of responses, at one or other of said levels, mainly it must be said abusive responses.

Abuse is fine by me – I’m used to it – but these people do their homework. Because I used my regular (open) Facebook page on log in, some genius had an idea to trace me and ‘out’ me to the world. Now that’s a piece of detective work even the legendary Holmes would have been proud of. (Not really – it just involved a couple of Google searches that a five year old could have executed.)

And the next move? Well, some genius decided to hint that they know where I live and that they know my home telephone number, and posted some of the detail they’d ‘uncovered’ along with a sort of thinly veiled threat to reveal this ‘secret information’ to extreme right wing groups.’  Basically being patriotic and ‘proper’ British and sort of a way of saying: “We can hurt you.” Which resulted in comments on the relevant thread becoming  disabled, because that sort of thing – although it may be democratic (according to personal interpretation) – it is ‘slightly’ illegal.

So after going for a really big shit – not because of them; it was the chicken jalfrezi – I went back and told them I wasn’t going anywhere.

And guess what? No call, no knock on the door – pretty much business as usual. Just empty threats from keyboard warriors with delusions of grandeur.

Having said that, I am concerned that one of them might post dog shit through my letter box while I’m either out or not looking, because that’s the way these people go into battle.

But it hasn’t happened yet. Thing is, I’d rather talk about any issues with these people but they don’t seem capable of discourse. But I have thought of a solution to that. We can meet over a pint in a local pub and converse via email so that they can get their point across by using the ‘CAPS LOCK’ button. No need for any disruption to other customers that way and it keeps the noise levels down.
It was fun for a few days, from the non-existent bacon sandwich ban, to the fictional police ban on wearing a patch in honour of fallen colleagues, through the usual racist and xenophobic nonsense which litter the pages in glorious profusion. Taking the piss was easy, but after a very short time the amusement value faded. After a short time the paranoia on display – the desire to convert Europe to Islam, the Coudenhove-Kalergi plan, the New World Order, the Bilderberg Group – loses its madcap lustre and it all gets very dull indeed. Recently the DE has developed almost as an extension of nut-job groups like Britain First, the EDL and Pegida, which is an insane standpoint for any national newspaper.

So I announced that I was leaving, and got some warm farewell messages (Warm as in I got the impression they’d have been delighted to set me on fire.) and I called it a day.

There’s an old saying that says you can’t preach to the converted, and there’s a great deal of truth in that, but to be brutally honest I think the main reason I stopped taking the piss on the DE is that it’s such a depressing experience. I suppose it’s what happens when you get a small group of like minded delusional people actually believing that they speak for the majority. It’s a bit like having shackles removed at the moment, a blessed relief not to feel the urge to go there.

Unless it’s for the occasional foray in order to rip the piss out of Nigel Farage.

Never say never.

Martin Shuttlecock

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What Happens In The First 60 Minutes After Reading The Mail And Express Online Comments Sections

Let them have it.

Let them have it.

Okay, I’ll come clean here and reveal one of my dirty little secrets. I suppose I should know better really, because stepping into dangerous territory against all medical and psychiatric advice is not recommended for even those of robust spirit, yet still I do it. It isn’t even as if there isn’t the information available, so there really isn’t any excuse for reading the comment sections tacked onto the bottom of ‘news’ articles in the Mail and Express online. It does get worrying though when you start to contribute too. It’s tantamount to submitting to madness.

I’ve tried cutting back; limiting my visits to once a week, and hoping to extend that to an occasional visit – say three or four times a year – but I failed dismally. The first month went okay, but then the addiction kicked in, and like any lapsed addict the pull of the right wing drug sucked me in and I started spending entire days reading the bigoted guff on these sites, and posting my own sarcastic ripostes. I even went as far as posing as a UKIP supporter one day, but had to give it up because I was almost starting to believe it myself.

Realising I was treading on dangerous ground I started to take notes, recording my feelings and responses over the course of an hour in order to document the potentially lethal damage a person can wreak on their own body by simply logging on to the Mail and Express websites and reading the comments over the course of one hour. A mere 60 minutes.

This is how it went.

5 Minutes – After five minutes I noted a marked increase in my adrenalin production. My eyes started to bulge and I could feel the hairs on the nape of my neck beginning to spike up. There’s an overwhelming feeling of disbelief. Are these actually real human beings posting these comments, or is there some kind of fiendish artificial intelligence at work churning this stuff out in reams?

12 Minutes – Anxiety kicks in. Am I really British? Suddenly I’m not so sure any more. According to these people who seem to be leaning slightly towards the political right I can’t possibly be British unless I truly want Britain to become great again. Basically by killing everybody else and building a huge wall around the country.

26 Minutes – Feeling a little calmer now and beginning to relax. There’s still a nagging dread that the whole of Britain has been concreted over and that tens of millions of people are putting us under siege in our own homes. I’m starting to get a bit nervous about setting foot outside the house for fear that some gang of foreign marauders will come and cut my head off in the street and nobody will come to my assistance. A quick glance out of the window allays most of these concerns. There aren’t any shadowy figures lurking behind the recycle bins intent on rape, torture and bloody murder. Mind you – the bloke up the kebab shop did once scowl at me when I asked for extra chilli sauce on my chicken shish…

37 Minutes – More fear kicks in. I’m learning a new language – the language of the extreme right and the conspiracy theorists. I’m also learning how to spell and use grammar to maximum effect. I learn new words and phrases and there’s no doubt I start to look at the world in a different light. I learn that everything going on today is part of an evil plot, masterminded by something called the ‘New World Order,’ I find out that I’m a ‘lefty cultural Marxist’  and a ‘traitor’ to my country. I’ve fallen for the mass deception that is the ‘Coudenhove-Kalergi Plan’ and that I don’t live in Europe any more. I live in the ‘EUSSR.’ I also discover ‘MSM,’ which apparently means mainstream media, as in the papers and TV, strictly unreliable news sources at best. It appears you have to get your news from places like infowars.com, Britain First, David Icke, Breitbart, Pegida and other secretive sources for all the real news. I may be scared but I discover I am at least learning something.

46 Minutes – Typographical errors and misplaced apostrophes no longer seem as important. I’m actually quite ambiguous about the way the ‘patriots’ on the DE and DM butcher the English language. I no longer flinch when I see things like ‘are country,’ or ‘they should all go back to they’re own country’s’ and that nothing is real any more – it’s all a false flag and done with photoshop. Either that or any pictorial content which doesn’t fit the agenda is ‘staged.’

51 Minutes – I find God. I’ve not been overly religious for a long time, so it’s a relief in a way to find out that I was worshipping the wrong God anyway. The new and only real god is a bloke named Nigel, and the new religion is called UKIP. There is only one commandment in the UKIP religion – Thou shalt adore no other God than Nigel. Nigel is the chosen one and must be revered at all times.  I learn of the axis of evil, which is LibLabCon McBilderberg. Voting for the axis is punishable by death.

59 Minutes – I’m wracked by doubt. Is everybody other than Nigel out to kill me? Should I really be calling for refugees to drown in the murky depths of the Med? Should I be a Hungarian or something? Is Vladimir Putin a communist or a strong leader? Is everybody who isn’t UKIP ‘traitorous?’ Should my response to any humanitarian crisis be to say: “Send the army in and shoot them all?” Should I join Britain First? Should I type everything with the Caps Lock button activated and toss in copious amounts of exclamation marks? I feel like I’m losing my grip on reality.

60 Minutes – I look at the responses to my comments on the DM and DE and discover that most of them don’t like me at all. They call be hurtful things like ‘Shuttledick’ and accuse me of being a ‘paid shill.’ Unable to take it any more I turn off the laptop. I’m in floods of tears. I come to the shocking realisation that I’m probably better dead.

I’m in a whirl. I desperately need some positive affirmation. I pick up the phone and call my mate Lynton. He has this knack of being quietly reassuring, putting my mind at ease. He says I’m an idiot for looking at those sites in the first place because despite what the comments say they aren’t the true voice of Britain. “What they are mate,” Lynton informs me. “Is a bunch of sad old gits with no sense of humour, no education, no intelligence and probably no significant other in their lives either. They’re all to old and decrepit to go around making threats and advocating race riots. Just sad, lonely old men,” Lynton concludes.

“A bit like me then really?” I chuckle, feeling somewhat uplifted.

“Exactly,” he says.

I’m not quite sure how to take that.

Martin Shuttlecock.

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People Who Write ‘FACT!’ At The End Of Online Posts Are Morons – FACT!

MAIL ONLINE!!! VOTE UKIP!!!!

MAIL ONLINE!!! VOTE UKIP!!!!

If you’re one of those smart-arsed internet commentators who add the word ‘FACT!’ after posting some smugly conceited comment on an internet forum, you might not really want to read this article. Because the reality is that punching ‘FACT!’ out on your keyboard whilst foaming at the mouth doesn’t exactly bestow upon you an air of intellectual superiority.

It just makes you come across as a proper knob-head.

‘FACT!’ is the latest incarnation of POSTING A COMMENT IN UPPER CASE TYPE – which in itself automatically informs your reader that you have nothing worthwhile to say, but that you’re going to post in big shouty letters anyway. Because it takes prominence on screen.

It doesn’t.

Nobody with half a brain ever reads anything posted in Caps Lock because by its very nature it reveals itself to be moronic without having to take the trouble to read the content. Readers just know it’s going to be crap. End of.

That’s another one. End of. End of rarely ever exactly means that, because it isn’t the end of anything. It’s just an open invitation to continue an online argument. It’s designed to wind the ‘sheeple’ up.

Sheeple? That’s another irritating term, which implies that the commentator in question has all the answers, whereas the sheeple, a bit like sheep, tend to believe that things such as chemtrails, the illuminati, the New World Order, Reptilian alien space monsters, the Loch Ness monster and suchlike don’t exactly exist. They’re just the product of some fevered dream fired up in some lonely sad case’s bedroom.

These days, with the wonders of online communications all the sad cases can gather in cyberspace, together, and commune with like-minded delusional halfwits.

If you’re reading this and silently nodding to yourself in agreement, thinking that all the above mentioned ‘types’ are card carrying members of the tin foil hat brigade – then don’t. Because people who comment with words to the effect of ‘polish your tin foil hat up’ are just as fucking irritating.

Which brings us to the grammar nazis.

Now, we all appreciate that even the best of us make typos from time to time, especially if you’re messaging on a phone or an iPad, because it can be a bit fiddly, moreso if it’s done in haste. Like on a bus, train, or in a toilet cubicle at work. Most people understand that, and make allowances.

We’d argue though, that in some cases there are serial offenders – and strangely enough, they almost invariably appear to be politically minded right wing extremists. Who are ‘TAKING ARE COUNTRY BACK’ or some such bollocks.

We’d like to suggest that anyone who wants to take ‘are’ country back, or stop these marauding alien hordes from spreading ‘they’re’ filthy religion after storming ‘are boarders’ might use as a starting point getting to grips with their own fucking native language.

And, in closing, as is our wont, we leave you with: ‘VOTE UKIP!’

As seen ad nauseum all over comments pages on the likes of mail online and the express. Whether you actually choose to VOTE UKIP or not is none of our business. Suffice to say that Nigel Farage makes David Cameron and the late Rusty Lady look like left wing students embroiled in a poll tax riot – but hey…it’s your choice.

Want to end animal cruelty? VOTE UKIP! Want increased pensions and a fairer deal for the vulnerable? VOTE UKIP! Want to become an isolated nation cut off from our European neighbours? VOTE UKIP! Want to send every foreign born UK resident packing? VOTE UKIP!

Quite frankly we don’t give a toss what you do.

But we would be eternally grateful if some of you would confine your stupid thoughts, ideas and misguided messages to the inside of your own skulls and not share them with a mainly disinterested world.

You know who you are.

End of.

Reporter: Paddy Berzinski

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Online Casino Offers Unlimited Free Bets And Guarantees That Punters Will Never Lose

Good Hand.

Good Hand.

It’s true. The downside is that users will never win either, but dedicated gamblers can pitch their bets on suckabreak.con to their hearts’ content and bet as much as a trillion virtual internet dollarbucks on any hunch they choose.

The site is the brainchild of IT expert Robin Bustard, a Surrey stockbroker belt man with a lengthy criminal record, who made his fortune selling fake gold ingots for a pound on Blackpool’s golden mile in the 1970s.

Bustard is adamant that there are too many online gambling sites which are only too happy to max out their customers’ credit cards, inevitably offering little by way of return, and frequently leading to financial ruin.

Bustard’s masterplan was to change all that, and set up a gambling operation where the punter never loses, subsequently founding suckabreak.con.

The idea is simple; subscribers pay a one off fee of £10,000 and are offered unlimited gambling on any subject of their choice, and even if they lose, the bet costs them nothing. If they win, they don’t get anything either, but then most people don’t win, so they have nothing to lose.

“It’s a win-win situation,” an enthusiastic Bustard announced from his office in a portacabin in a Dorking scrap metal dealer’s yard. “Even the losers win. The winners – well, at least they don’t lose. The beauty of it is that anyone signing up with us needn’t worry about their gambling spiralling out of control and wrecking their marriages, or anything like that. Because you can’t lose with us. Apart from the initial ten grand of course, but surely that’s a small price to pay for keeping your gambling under some kind of control.”

The Magnificent Café Spike Designer Chalice Shaped Acrylic Pen Holder

The Magnificent Café Spike Designer Chalice Shaped Acrylic Pen Holder

Bustard went on to explain that his company intended to diversify over the coming months, offering payday loans at the perfectly reasonable rate of 76,767% APR, and possibly a home shopping TV channel, peddling absolute shite that you never thought you needed but that you couldn’t possibly live without. Probably presented by Keith Chegwin.

So far, 9,760 people have registered with suckabreak.con, making the organisation the fastest growing industry in the UK since the Thatcher government introduced the YOPS scheme.

Cheryl Cole is still 5’4″ but she’s apparently working on it.

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