Travellers Didn’t Want To Stop At Fareham

Fareham - world leader in mobile technology and human rights.

Fareham – world leader in mobile technology, charity shops and human rights.

A group of travellers basing themselves temporarily at Locks Heath, near Fareham in Hampshire have apologised for any inconvenience caused to outraged local residents by explaining that Fareham wasn’t on their original itinerary and that they had been forced by unforeseen circumstances to make an emergency stopover.

“Two of our vehicles were beset by mechanical problems,” a spokesman for the travellers told The Nose. “So unfortunately we had to pull in by Locks Heath shopping centre. I say unfortunately, because whereby many local councils make provisions for travellers – such as running water and waste disposal facilities – Fareham Borough Council doesn’t. They don’t want us here and quite frankly we don’t want to be here either. But in an emergency, what can you do?”

Fareham resident Jim Soothill complained to neighbours that the travellers would soon be breaking into houses and stealing pet dogs unless people were exceptionally vigilant. Adding that womenfolk wouldn’t be safe from unwanted attention either.

“I expect the locals will be locking their doors and windows tonight,” the travellers spokesman added. “Not to mention their dogs and their daughters. It’s all a bit of a nonsense really, and quite hypocritical considering that the locals continually vote for an MP and a council who rob them blind on a daily basis. Believe me, we’ll be leaving ASAP before the locals mob up on us bearing flaming torches and set us all on fire. Like in that Frankenstein film.”

Cafe Spike approached Jim Soothill for further comment but he was otherwise engaged in handing out portions of home made lardy cake and igniting petrol soaked torches with a World War II issue Zippo lighter.

Reliable sources report that a prominent member of Fareham Borough Council, known locally as The Fat Controller was last seen scrambling aboard his WWII Spitfire fighter in order to undertake low level strafing runs against the invaders.

Locks Heath resident, Hazel Goodyear, 67, a spinster told us:

“I’ll be having an early night tonight. I’ve been warned about rapists on the prowl so I’ll be leaving the bedroom window open just in case.”

More as we get it.


8 Year Old Given 40 Lashes For Wearing Three Lions Shirt On St George’s Day

England Under Threat

England Under Threat

It should have been a normal school day for 8 year old Tommy Trinder, but things went from being horribly awry on St George’s day for young Tommy, to being life changing – and all because Tommy’s parents sent him to school wearing a ‘three lions’ England football shirt on what was supposed to be a celebration of England’s patron saint.

“It seems that there was a Muslamic teacher there who took exception to our Tommy celebrating St George’s day,” Tommy’s dad, imaginatively also named Tommy explained. “The teacher dragged young Tommy off into the school yard, ripped his three lions shirt off his back and sentenced him to 40 lashes. You don’t expect things like this to happen in Bolton.”

“I wouldn’t have minded so much,” Tommy’s distraught mother, Thomasina added. “But we didn’t even know the teacher was a Muslamicist. We thought the teachers were nuns; it’s that Burka thing. It’s confusing.”

All of which was of no consolation whatsoever to young Tommy, who was lashed 40 times with a hastily constructed cat o’ nine tails, consisting of a rounders bat, some duct tape and nine pieces of cut up Aldi washing line.

“They’d never have got away with this nonsense if Nigel Farage had been in power,” Tommy Senior complained. “I blame the European Union myself.”

Young Tommy was admitted to Bolton General Hospital suffering from what have been described as ‘whiplash injuries’ but is expected to make a full recovery.

We asked Labour councillor, Cyril Fatbloke-Fiddler for a comment but he vehemently denied having seen anything at all, claiming he was busy fiddling his expenses at the time.

Paddy Berzinski