Man who got the internet now scared of everything

Aaaaaarrrggghh!

Aaaaaarrrggghh!

A 59 year old Falklands veteran who never used to be afraid of anything has revealed that he is now scared to set foot outside his front door since he connected to the internet.

Ex-Welsh Guardsman Crispin Evans said that he’s now scared of migrants, Muslims, giant rats, false widow spiders, drunken hooligans, rapists, muggers, chuggers, the government, flying saucers, the New World Order, fast food, carbohydrates, bacon, Alzheimers, base jumpers, free climbers, zit squeezers, celebrities, the NHS, Jeremy Corbyn, Ant and Dec, Creationists, Simon Cowell, the Kardashians, sex maniacs, vicious dogs and low flying drones.

“I never used to be scared of anything,” Mr Evans said. “I was always pretty fearless but since I got the internet I’m petrified of just about everything. Still, I suppose it pays to keep abreast of developments. I never realised I was in mortal danger every day of my life, so from now on I’ll be stopping indoors and getting my shopping delivered. If I really have to go out I’ll take taxis everywhere, door to door. You can’t be too careful these days.”

We tried to contact comedians Lee Mack and Tim Vine out of Not Going Out for comment but they were both out, but not out-out like that cheeky Cockney comedian Micky Flanagan who hasn’t been seen for a fortnight and whose wife told us to tell him to phone home if we managed to contact him because his tea’s going cold.

Paddy Berzinski

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Captain America Unmasked?

Captain America or just some silly old sod playing Penny For The Guy?

Captain America or just some silly old sod playing Penny For The Guy?

We got a really weird email today at the café, consisting of a picture of some old geezer posing alongside some as yet non-gender specific shrivelled specimen which looks like the type of thing that would enjoy an occasional sojourn with a sailor in a foreign land for a penny or two. Frankly we were utterly baffled. The accompanying text was even more baffling. It simply read: “Captain America unmasked? Do your research. The answer is out there.”

Not having the faintest idea what this nonsense was all about, we ran a Goggle search on Captain America purely out of curiosity.

It seems that Captain America is a Marvel Comics superhero who made his debut in 1941, that his real name is Steve Rogers, that he wears some kind of stupid body stocking, that he’s an expert in Morse code and that he carries a shield that vaguely resembles a dustbin lid with a star drawn on it. The impression we got was that Captain America is the sort of reactionary right wing mug who these days would probably watch Fox News and suck up everything that idiot Sean Hannity says and perceive it as wisdom.

All of which means exactly jack shit to us.

Looking at the guy in the fuzzy pic, he could be a Steve we suppose, at a stretch. The poor guy looks henpecked all to hell and back and probably talks the talk when he’s fraternising with his jock buddies, although it seems pretty certain that he wouldn’t know where the house trousers are because his wife is wearing them. Probably, if not almost certainly.

Further research revealed that Captain America is a popular character in the motion pictures, played by Chris Evans – who we thought was a ginger British TV and radio presenter, but it seems it’s a different Chris Evans, who also isn’t the bloke in the email pic we got. Although the bloke in the pic may well be a hundred years old, judging by the look of him.

And probably resides in a gated community because he’s paranoid about people with a slightly darker skin hue than himself, especially if their surname happens to be Obama.

The problem for us here at Café Spike is that even though the answer may well be out there, we have no wish to find out what it is. We’re Café Spike, not the bastard X Files.

So please don’t send us any more moronic emails about Vikings and stuff because we’re busy people and we don’t care.

Reporter: Burgess “Never Seen Combat Because I Made That Part Up” Butthole

*No xenophobic, homophobic, paedophilic, racist, hate-mongering nut-jobs were hurt in the process of publishing this article. Which is a pity really, but you can’t have everything.

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